Need help please

[albac]

Well I haven't posted in a long time been working on myself and trying my best to DB.

Last night I hit a massive set back that may lead to divorce.

So I found this page the day after my W walked away, so I never went through the pursuing phase or pleading I went straight to DBing. It's been just on 6 months now since then and not a single word spoken about or MR other than the day she left I asked if we could do counseling she said in a month or 2 if we both want hat we can.

Throughout the 6 months my wife has been close by calling and texting daily, coming over and hanging out with me and our D and I genuinely thought I was doing the right things.

Last night out of no where when she was picking up D she hit me with I need to tell you something, I knew straight away it was bad and my heart sank. She has started seeing someone else and has been for 6 weeks. I am now at rock bottom all the work I have done on myself everything just feels numb. I've been hit hard for the second time in 6 months. The thing was my W seemed genuinely surprised that k was hurt. I think by my acting as if I was fine was so good she actually thought I was over her and wouldn't care. After last night she now knows the truth as I couldn't hold back any longer.

I don't even know why I'm saying all this I don't know where to go from here.

[RDS]

albac,

I wish I had magic words to make it feel better. It's got to be a kick in the gut. Easier said than done right now, but continue doing what you were doing. Make yourself into the guy your W would be an idiot to leave. And if she still leaves then it proves she is the idiot.

But as I said, I know it's easier said than done.

[CT1118]

albac,

I wish I had magic words to make it feel better. It's got to be a kick in the gut. Easier said than done right now, but continue doing what you were doing. Make yourself into the guy your W would be an idiot to leave. And if she still leaves then it proves she is the idiot.

But as I said, I know it's easier said than done.

Amen to that

[MoveFrwd]

Throughout the 6 months my wife has been close by calling and texting daily, coming over and hanging out with me and our D and I genuinely thought I was doing the right things.

The thing was my W seemed genuinely surprised that I was hurt. I think by my acting as if I was fine was so good she actually thought I was over her and wouldn't care. After last night she now knows the truth as I couldn't hold back any longer.

I don't even know why I'm saying all this I don't know where to go from here.

Im sorry that you are in this spot. I can imagine it felt like a kick straight to the gut.

That said, it's strange that you came here immediately and thought that doing the things above were "the right things". It sounds like cake eating to the extreme to me. If she never had any chance to miss you or miss out on family time, then what is/was her impetus to make any kind of change. If you were always willing to be at her beck and call, there was never any incentive for her to pursue you as a husband anymore.

I dont think acting as if you were OK was the problem. I think thats important. But acting as if you are willing to be her friend and waiting around for her scraps IS a problem.

I do not believe it is ever "too late". I think it's time to read up on WWs and start to figure out what is best for you and your daughter.

[albac]

Thanks Darkness, I agree I was in a content battle with what I thought was right. As my W wasn't having an affair even after reading the books and help from here I didn't know how to approach it. I thought if I pulled back and gave her no time I would push her to someone else. Turns out this happened anyway.

I am now at a point like so many on here where my W has now shown she has no respect for our marriage. And I have absoloutely no plans on hanging around being a back up plan. Everything I do now is for my D and there will be no "family" time anymore as we are no longer a family. The ball is well and truly in her court now I am and rock bottom and she can't hurt me anymore then she already has.

After 6 months from hell I have just found out I wasn't actually in hell just on my way there. Hard times

[albac]

Ok last few days have been terrible since W told me she was seeing someone else. Today she has sent me a message which is first contact since telling me about seeing someone. It's my D birthday this week and she just sent me a message that basically said I know things are bad at the moment but I am having a cake for her birthday and I know she would love it if you would come.

What are people's thoughts on this? I am having my own cake for my D and to me what she's asking is pretending to be a family when right now we are not. I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house. Any feedback appreciated I'm very confused

[MoveFrwd]

I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house.

I think you answered your own question

[RDS]

What are people's thoughts on this? I am having my own cake for my D and to me what she's asking is pretending to be a family when right now we are not. I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house. Any feedback appreciated I'm very confused

I agree with you. I would not step foot in her house. I would have a separate time with your D and have your cake with her. Your W has currently destroyed your family. I would not pretend otherwise.

[albac]

This is all so hard, I was sure I would be strong and stand by the way I felt.

I went to pick up my daughter and my W asked me if I would be coming over for her birthday cake tomorrow and I said no I can't do it. She then made me feel like I was that bad guy saying "you don't have to let the fact you're angry at me make you miss Ds birthday"

I hate this all so much when ever I think I have clarity and have things under control it takes less then a 1 minute conversation with W to make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I am going to stick to what I feel and that is I do not want to be in her house or spend any time I don't have to around her

[albac]

Still feeling beat up at the moment. Trying to make sense of what has happened and at the same time trying to stop thinking and just live.

I have read a lot of people's situations and I really can't find any similar to mine.

In my situation my W really seems to have fallen out of love with me and I know that I was a large part of the reasons that lead to this. Instead of cheating on me she simply told me she wanted to separate and left the next day. I should have seen the signs but didn't.

So now to her after 4 months separated where I thought we were making progress she is seeing someone else, then waits until after 6 weeks before telling me about it all the while at the same time spending what she calls family time with me and our D. It's like she wants a H and family when she feels like it but wants to be independent other times.

I can give my own 2x4 here. I allowed this to go on as I thought we were getting closer and things starting to look up. When I was actually sailing full steam ahead into the friend zone. Now I am aware of her seeing another man all of my thoughts and actions have changed. I am not a doormat or hanging on for scraps.

My question is has anyone been through a similar sitch and what did you do. Keep in mind my W is very young and i believe she is very very confused about everything in life right now and her actions say she has feelings and wants to be around me yet her words say the opposite. I think she is scared and doesn't know what to do.