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Question: Should I be having dinner at my wife's house and putting our kids to bed there or am I better just seeing them over Skype until my apartment is ready for my kids to stay over? Probably looking at probably another week or two before they can come over.

I love the time with the kids but walking out that door after they're in bed is hard as hell and it feels like it allows my wife to avoid some of the realities of our situation. It makes me the guy who comes to help her with the kids during the week or the platonic guy friend that her kids love to play with. Does it help or hurt our chance at reconciliation? I don't hope for reconciliation these days but I also don't want to hurt whatever slim chances we have nor do I want to be taken advantage of or hinder my own healing.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
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Quote:
It makes me the guy who comes to help her with the kids during the week or the platonic guy friend that her kids love to play with.


Exactly!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Cole_ Offline OP
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Sandi,

just to be sure I'm interpreting your tone correctly, being the guy who comes to help her with the kids during the week or the platonic guy friend that her kids love to play with is a good thing. Yes?


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 150
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Cole_ Offline OP
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Last night my wife decided to push for some kind of predetermined schedule for when I took the kids. I told her I didn't want to discuss it with her at that exact moment but would be wiling set aside a prearranged time in the future to do so. She seemed annoyed but agreed. Later that night I told her that in lieu of a discussion, I still wanted to have the kids over for dinner after I got off work on Monday and Wednesday.

So today was the first time I took the kids out to dinner by myself since I moved into the apartment. They were so excited when I walked in the front door of my wife's house. I only wish she was there to see it instead of our nanny. They couldn't wait to go out with me. I told them we could go out to eat or we could go back to my apartment and I'd make something. They chose to go to my apartment. It was last minute and I'm still trying to get all the food, spices, and cooking implements together since my wife kept a great deal of them, but I managed to whip something together and we had a fantastic time eating dinner and playing together after. So much that my oldest asked if they could spend the night.

Unfortunately, it was a last minute request so I had to turn him down with the promise that we could try and do it Wednesday night or possibly over the weekend. I drove them home and ended up giving them their baths and putting them to sleep again. It really seemed comforting to know that this situation in my apartment, seeing my kids after work sharing custody could work. Overall it was a great day... just wish it ended that way.

As I was walking out the door, my wife mentioned that one of my family members decided to unfriend her on Facebook. My wife was obviously annoyed/upset about it, and if I'm honest, so am I. I understand why they unfriended my wife. They feel she's treating me poorly. Still, I told them countless times that I want to approach this situation with love, understanding and inclusiveness and I didn't want to make things harder than they needed to be by creating huge walls of anger and resentment between our families. I repeatedly old them that because if our kids, we had to be sure that our two families were always able to work through things and remain connected and on good terms.

Of course now it's hard my for my wife feel like she would ever be welcomed back into my family. Not only do we need to fight repair everything that's happened between the two of us, but now we have to fight to repair the relationship between our families. It seems like every time I start making progress, someone in my family does something stupid to make my life harder and make this situation impossible.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Jun 2007
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Quote:
just to be sure I'm interpreting your tone correctly, being the guy who comes to help her with the kids during the week or the platonic guy friend that her kids love to play with is a good thing. Yes?


No, it is not a good thing.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Cole_ Offline OP
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Okay, I didn't think it was which is why I'm glad to be picking up the kids and bringing them to my place. Doing that again tonight so I'll do my best to drop them off and say goodnight at the door rather than helping the kids get ready for bed. It [censored], but this is the harsh reality.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
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Cole_ Offline OP
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Picked up the kids after work, made them dinner and we played for most of the evening. Overall, we had a pretty great time and they didn't want to go home. I simply dropped them off at my wife's house and we barely said much.

It's hard to think that she doesn't feel any guilt or remorse over our situation. It's hard to think that she doesn't miss me or miss what could have been. I know I mss the woman I love but I'm slowly able to see that she really did neglect me after the kids were born and it saddens me to think that this could have all been avoided. I wish I felt otherwise, but I'm not exactly hopeful that I'll be able to trust again or find love again... and it hurts me to know that the hopeless romantic I once was is probably gone forever.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 150
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Cole_ Offline OP
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I really wish my wife would read some of the books and interviews of Shirley Glass and Gotman. So many things they talk about apply to our relationship and sadly, they were things I warned my wife about. Maintaining a child centered marriage. Not making time to be alone together to focus on us and our relationship. Hell, as Shirley Glass stated in an interview:

Quote:
the popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn't getting enough at home. The reality is that they weren't giving enough at home.


My wife think she was the one who was ignored and unappreciated. She may have felt that I wasn't doing enough to help care for our kids or do housework, but the truth is that while I am far from perfect and I'm sure there were ways I could have done more, I did my best and I did more than she realizes or ever acknowledged. I was the one who told her we were on a precarious path and needed to focus on us and our marriage. I was the one who told her I was lonely, wanted to spend time with her, wanted to schedule time to discuss and coordinate household decisions and tasks so that we could be a team.

Looking back, I can see all those things. I wish she could. She's an amazing woman and I only wish life had taught her how to be in a long term relationship prior to marrying me. We really had something special and could have had an amazing life together. We still could, but I've done and continue to do all I can. At this point, because our marriage requires her to do the hard work and requires her to feel empathy, guilt, and remorse, because it requires her to look inward and confront herself as well as each other... I feel like I'm just waiting for divorce papers. I really have no hope anymore and that's the most depressing part because I always thought my wife loved me enough to fight for me and our family. I thought our love and our friendship was meant more to her.

One day at a time. Focusing on me and my kids because that's all I can do and it will benefit me regardless.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 150
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Cole_ Offline OP
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The longer I'm away from my wife, the more ievitible our divorce seems. I find myself wondering what I'm fighting for, who I'm fighting for, and even whether I'm fighting at all when we simply act as if we're already divorced and simply lack the legal documents indicating it.

Shouldn't my wife be coming out of the fog? Shouldn't she at some point come to me and say something, whether it's she still doesn't know what she wants or that she wants to divorce or wants me to come home?

How do you know when it's time to simply accept that your wife isn't coming back and waiting for her to file is in some way letting her eat cake and delaying you from healing and moving on with your life?


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 150
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Cole_ Offline OP
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Still not sure why I continue writing here. I'm just tired. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of dreams involving her and OM or dreams when we were in love. I'm tired of waking up alone and going to sleep alone. I'm tired of saying goodby to my kids. I'm tired of the awkward hellos and goodbyes with my wife.

How long does this hell last? How long until she decides that she spent enough time "separated" that others will believe she did everything she could to save her marriage? It's hard to feel like I can move on when I'm waiting for her. Yeah, I can 180 and GAL but that doesn't help me heal and move forward when this huge decision looms overhead


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

Known: 19
Together:8
Married:5

ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
D: Planned for Spring 2016
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