Did Not See It - But Should Have

[sandi2]

Darkness is right. And for the record, whenever I use the NG term, I really mean the NG Syndrome. Maybe you should read it. You can download it free on the Internet.

[RDS]

That's an interesting take on things. I can assure you until my W left I would never be accused of having the Nice Guy Syndrome. This is really the first time I've had the chance to be nice to my wife so maybe it strayed into the Nice Guy Syndrome. I guess it was so long since I was nice to my W (at least that's what she says) that I'm going overboard.

Hopefully I will get a chance to do a do over.

[RDS]

I'm in a deep conundrum. Yesterday my wife dropped off a lot of stuff for me to sell and in that stuff was all my letters and a few photo albums, to include our wedding album. There were 7 photo albums and I tossed most of the pictures and I got the photo albums reduced to 2. Most of the pictures are of me and her when we just started dating and during the first years of our marriage. I consolidated all her pictures into one photo album. I guess it's all in one place so if I want to burn her pictures I will have them all in one place, but right now it's one place I can reminisce about happy times.

After going through the pictures last night I was in a funk again. I was dong pretty good detaching and planned on not contacting her for at least a week, but she texted me on Sunday and then she had to drop off so many memories and that got me to thinking of her again.

So today my VP of the North American division called and proposed a new job for me. I would have to relocate to Chattanooga, TN. It would be a step up in responsibility and about a 20 percent pay increase. My dilemma is if I do take the job and move I feel as if I will destroy any chance of getting back with my W. I just think moving a couple of states over would be too far a distance to even think of R.

I did text my W and she called. She sounded happy but I was knee deep in problems so I asked to call her back. I called a few hours later and we talked about 90 minutes. She thinks I should take the job as it's too good a job to pass up. I never asked her about how the job would be for "us". I know not to bring up talk about our R. She say she wants what is best for me, but it's not best for me if she isn't with me.

It's amazing we can talk on the phone for hours now where before five minutes would have been about four minutes too long.

My L thinks we will eventually get back together. She said she's never seen a H put as much effort to saving the marriage as I have. I don't know how much to take from that.

[bodhi]

Hi RDS,

I'm new here and a little reluctant to give advice as someone who is going through the motions as well, and having little (okay, no) experience as the spouse who isn't trying to make things work. I'm also quite a bit younger and haven't read your full story, only this thread, so take everything with a grain of salt. I don't want to give false hope, only a perspective as a stranger on the Internet.

As a former military spouse, I also have letters between my husband and I, that were left behind in the separation. I've thought many times about sending them to him to let him do what he sees fit with them. I haven't at this point, because I'm afraid to make any moves at this point — but my reason for wanting to send them is partially because I'd like for him to remember the intense love we had for each other at one point, even if things don't work out. Her intentions may be entirely different since there is a child involved, but because you mention there are risqué letters involved as well makes me think her intentions don't lie there entirely.

Again, please take this with a grain of salt. Her intentions may be far off from what my personal intentions would be as someone who is trying to save the marriage, but I thought I would give my perspective as it hit close to home.

[RDS]

Bodhi,

Please don't hesitate to give advice. Even if your advice doesn't help someone specifically, it may help someone else reading the posts.

I think my wife is doing a little bit of everything by returning the letters. I'm pretty sure they're painful for her to have as she told me she tried to read them as they are a marker to happier times but it is too sad for her to read. I'm also sure she returned them to me because she wanted me to see there was a time when we were so happy together.

There are over 60 letters I wrote to her and those are the ones she kept. She asked me if I was surprised she kept them and I told her I was surprised, but not really. If that makes any sense.

[RDS]

Today was an up and down day for me as far my job goes. I got a call from the same VP who offered me the job in Chattanooga. He wanted me to travel there tomorrow and take over the project at Friday midnight. He told me I would be there "2 weeks, hopefully 1 week". I then called the program manager of the project and he said I would be there for about 4 months.

My head was spinning. Being there for 2 weeks is one thing, but being there for 4 months is a game changer. I kept running everything through my head about what going to happen with my bills, the spousal support court dates, my IC appointments, and even my DB coach dates. Paying the bills was a big concern because I've just now got a handle on it. My W taking care of the bills was a result of being gone a lot while I was in the military and a continuation of my travel for my civilian job.

I also had the idea of telling myself I had to tell my W I was going to work out of state for months, but then I realized that was stupid because she isn't my W currently. We are married but currently she is not my W.

She would have to learn of my travels later while I was already there because she isn't my crutch anymore. I have to put my "big boy" pants on and get on with it on my own.

Luckily, on the drive home I got a call from my program manager here and said they were killing the idea of me going there as the costs of paying me per diem and other travel costs were a little to expensive. But, it's still up in the air going forward. I was a much relieved guy.

[RDS]

A journal post I guess.

I’m committed to resurrecting my M and I know it’s a long and slow process; especially when my W hasn’t been happy for a very long time. We are talking years of her being unhappy (her words). I’ve got to earn her trust and get her to fall back in love with me if that’s possible. We talk rarely but when we do talk it’s for hours at a time. We normally talk about our history and the good times we had, and then how she was hurt by me over those same years.

But sometimes I have to wonder if it’s really worth it. I hate being in limbo. There is so much I want to do, especially house related, school related, and other long term plans. I don’t know what my financial situation is going to be so I’m hesitant about spending anything now because I may not have the money later. My W put me into this financial mess and she is still holding the keys to our financial lives. I can understand why so many people throw in the towel and say screw it. Getting a divorce isn’t the best plan, but at least it gives you a target you can at least work towards.

I don’t ever snoop on her, but the other day my D came home and mentioned something about “Mom posted something stupid on FB today”. My D didn’t really elaborate. I unfriended my W on BD date and I’ve never even considered checking her FB page. She rarely posted on FB anyway. She normally used my FB to follow friends and our D.

I had a couple of old bogus FB accounts I had set up years ago when my W and I played FB games. I hadn’t checked them in years and it took me some time to figure out the log in information. My W is still “friends” with my bogus accounts so I was able to look at her page. The post my daughter mentioned was a Meme my W posted a couple of days ago. It said something along the lines of, “Emotional abuse is worse than broken bones because broken bones heal, but a broken mind never heals”. Naturally she had multiple likes and the comments were along the lines of, “Word, You got that right!, I totally agree!, etc.” All the people who commented and liked her post were her friends and all the ones I know have been divorced at least once and some multiple times so I know where my M’s ear is turned daily.

There was another Meme my W posted just 2 days before the BD. It was along the lines of," Sometimes, you just have to turn around and throw a match on the bridge and watch it burn”.

Both of the posts hurt me, but the one about the emotional abuse and never healing from it really punches a hole in my heart. I get it I caused a lot of pain to her over the years, but she created a lot of that herself. I’m not going to mention any of this to my W. I’m still going to be the one who is to blame and I will still validate and empathize with her as best I can, but when I see stuff like that does she think there is even a chance she can get over the hurt I caused her?

I do know if my W isn’t careful she may damage her relationship with our D that could take years to repair. It’s already being stretched thin as it is. My D is calling my W a hypocrite for the way she is acting. My W always taught my D to be strong and independent and don’t rely on someone for your happiness or well-being. She says my W begging for money and crying about how hard it is for her and how unhappy she was for so many years flies in the face of everything my W taught our D. My D is getting resentful towards her and it’s starting to manifest towards me and I don’t like that at all.

I'm in a better situation that I was months ago and for the most part I do well for a few days, but then I wake up and I can't shake her out of my mind. I know just about everyone here can relate but I want it to stop now.

[betterm]

Emotional abuse is worse than broken bones because broken bones heal, but a broken mind never heals

This is rubbish... sounds like something a weak-willed person would say to put blame on someone else for their misfortunes. Mental health, outside of genetic/chromosomal, is something that we each choose to handle within ourselves. She's basically saying her mental health and her happiness was laid solely as a responsibility of someone else (you).

I'm not making excuses, I'm guilty of my share of emotional neglect as well. I never saw the actions I did as neglect WHILE I was committing them, as whenever my W reached out to "tell me how she's feeling", she did it in a way that was insulting, demeaning, or attacked who I was as a person... naturally, those to things mixed together don't mesh well, and you end up with a spouse who thinks they've "done everything they can" to reach out, and the "neglector" as just shoved it all aside, which is rarely true in circumstance... Our MC pointed this out, and the day it was pointed up, my W decided she was no longer interested in MC...

You're W is throwing out everything she can to the public to gain the support of others in what she is doing is right, and YOU are the devil! Really, all she's doing is piling on her own guilt and worry and making things 'mentally/emotionally' worse for herself... What kind of person posts that crap out to the public eye anyways? One who's unsure of themselves and looking for answers to justify herself in any way she can... horrible.

[RDS]

[This is rubbish... sounds like something a weak-willed person would say to put blame on someone else for their misfortunes. Mental health, outside of genetic/chromosomal, is something that we each choose to handle within ourselves. She's basically saying her mental health and her happiness was laid solely as a responsibility of someone else (you).

My thoughts exactly. I told my D that if what my W posted was true then no one would survive emotional abuse. The whole world would be a nutcase. I was emotionally abused by my stepdad and I think I've moved on from that. The last time I talked to my W I told her all her friends must think I'm the coldest guy alive and because all they hear is your side. She denied it, but I heard her talk horribly about her friends husbands so I can only imagine what she's said to them about me.

I'm not making excuses, I'm guilty of my share of emotional neglect as well. I never saw the actions I did as neglect WHILE I was committing them, as whenever my W reached out to "tell me how she's feeling", she did it in a way that was insulting, demeaning, or attacked who I was as a person... naturally, those to things mixed together don't mesh well, and you end up with a spouse who thinks they've "done everything they can" to reach out, and the "neglector" as just shoved it all aside, which is rarely true in circumstance... Our MC pointed this out, and the day it was pointed up, my W decided she was no longer interested in MC...

I was the same way, but the difference between our Ws was my wife rarely reached out to me. She clamed up and didn't say much of anything and that made me angrier.

You're W is throwing out everything she can to the public to gain the support of others in what she is doing is right, and YOU are the devil! Really, all she's doing is piling on her own guilt and worry and making things 'mentally/emotionally' worse for herself... What kind of person posts that crap out to the public eye anyways? One who's unsure of themselves and looking for answers to justify herself in any way she can... horrible.

If this is what she is doing, and I have no real reason to doubt, it would so unlike her. She keeps her health concerns really private. She doesn't even tell her mother when she goes into surgery.

But W is doing a lot of things that were so unlike her.

[RDS]

I finally put some of the items my W wanted to get rid of on Craigslist. I sent my W the link through email. Within minutes she responded with a text saying it was a good price for the items and it should sell fast. I think they're way overpriced (I think it's junk) but I started high and then will work low. Sometimes my W doesn't understand it's not the seller who determines the price. It's the buyer. I responded I would sell the rest of the stuff when I get time.

I did get a small kick when I was unwrapping the items. She packed all of the items in Dec 2001. We were preparing to move into our brand new house in April 2002. It's the same house I'm living in now. Most of the items were wrapped in newspaper. The date of the newspaper was December 30, 2001. It was the Sunday paper so some of the stuff was wrapped in the Sunday comics. I wasted a bit too much time reading the sports pages and the comics. It was interesting "going back in time" to see the happening of that day.

Had another social meeting with one of my Meetup groups today. It was a brunch type thing. My D and her friend went along also. They sat away from me so they could talk to different people as I could also. There was a married couple there that were really interesting but there were a couple of other people who were so boring and they kept interrupting us with useless tidbits that had nothing to do with the conversation taking place. I really wanted to tell them to shut up, but I would never really do that. It's amazing how some people know how to converse with people and be interesting and others can say the same thing but say it in such a way that it is boring. I think I'm in the interesting category. I just hope I'm not too dense to realize I'm not in the interesting category.