Are there any good threads on this board in which - the LBH is able to reconcile with WAW after a D has been filed? I want to find one of those and do what LBH does. After my last few days of just impulsively calling the wife and demanding 'answers' about the D - I think I need to get back to basics again.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
We separated on 5/5. My wife filed for D on 6/8. It’s 7/19. I’m still not fine with it. I’m still not ‘detached’. Should I be by now? If you read my journals you will see that even a couple of days ago, I am trying to reach out to my wife with some emotional message asking to have a ‘talk’ about our relationship. For all I know, my wife may look at my as the scum of the earth and these messages from me of ‘please let’s just talk this out like rational people’, may just seem laughable. I’m certainly not getting any response at all, other than ‘your kids want to say hi to you’. My feelings are very conflicted, and that’s the main reason I’m having trouble moving forward with this divorce situation.
I still have hopes for reconciliation, I keep thinking one day she will want to talk about things, or I’ll say or do the right thing to open up some better communication between us. If I didn’t want to work things out with my wife, or if I truly had no hope for reconciliation, it would be easier for me to deal with everything - I could just mechanically go through the legal procedures and my coparenting duties and none of it would phase me. Instead, since I have hopes for reconciliation - the legal communications and meetings fill me with dread and anxiety - because they are a sign that the divorce is moving forward, even though I am resistant to it. And dealing with my coparenting duties and communications around the kids becomes a heartbreaking ordeal - because I care about those kids, and I want us to be a family again.
If there were only a way to turn off these feelings so that I no longer care if we reconcile or not, life would be much easier for me to deal with - I would be better able to face the every day pressures of career and life on top of all of the legal stuff regarding the divorce. Right now, I feel conflicted and confused and tormented about everything. I meditate, I talk to people, but I can’t find peace.
This is the only thing I have found that helped, it is a new technique that I found online somewhere to deal with grief. It seemed to work pretty well for me yesterday. You need to break everything down into smaller and smaller increments, whatever allows you to get through the day in a healthy and responsible manner. Instead of thinking - what do I need to get done this week? or what do I need to get done today? Think - I’m going to do XXX for the next hour. Then I’m going to do XXX for the next half hour, then I’m going to do XXX for the following hour. Until you get to the end of the day, hopefully you will look back on a day filled with responsible and healthy activities that will help you to be a better person, with minimal time spent feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing about your divorce situation - or worse, doing something that is harmful to yourself and your situation. Try to be very conscious about living in the present moment, filtering out thoughts about the past or the future.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
That's actually an interesting technique, I have ADHD and it would be an absolute disaster for someone like me. We are all different, and I'm glad you have found something that works for you... for now anyways...
I probably do something that seems the exact opposite, I need very very structured schedule/lifestyle, or I lose my mind, literally, it runs off, and does other things without my body. I take 20-30 minutes on Sunday, and plan my entire week, basically down to each hour... I do not punish myself if I get off schedule, but it's always there to come back to if I feel I'm getting lost.
You're right in saying "if I do 30 minutes of X and Y and Z" you'll hope to look back at the end of the week and see all kinds of accomplishments... it's easy in our fast paced world to get lost in our work. We work so hard, all of us, and forget to take time to look back and actually reflect and reward ourselves for what we've accomplished... and then, before we know it, we forget about it and it's like it never happened. Be sure to pencil in sometime every few days to reflect back on what you've done. pat yourself on the back once in a while...
lastly, there are so many "stories" like what you asked for in the "success stories" part of the forums. put down whatever book your reading, and start gobbling them up
Today I went to the clinic - the doctor gave me the last of the antibiotic iv treatments, then told me that I am done with antibiotics and pain meds, and I’m cleared for regular activity. I’m finally able to leave the house - I can walk and do a light job but I can’t run, and I can’t lift heavy weights over 20 pounds for 6-8 weeks. At least I’m free.
Since I’m not able to do any strenuous exercise, my plan of hardcore workouts and transforming my body are now on hold for the next 6-8 weeks. I guess that’s ok - I can just diet and go on long walks, maybe bike rides. I’m also going to be working at the office instead of working at home - starting tomorrow. It is about a half hour commute to my office, and I’m not required to go into the office - but I want to. It will do me good to be around other people, and socialize with my coworkers.
I can have the kids this weekend too, which will be nice. I haven’t spent more than an hour with them at a time since my emergency surgery happened 3 weeks ago. I plan to really spoil them this weekend and do fun things. I also accepted my friend J’s invitation to go to the UFC fights over the weekend, which should be fun, even though I know nothing about UFC. Texts w my W were cordial today, I didn’t say or do anything to press the situation.
——————
Over the past few days I have not slept very well, but I’ve had all night to read divorce articles online and ruminate over my situation - how I was doing so well in opening up communication with my wife, how last week I went a little stir crazy during my recovery at home and did things that probably set back my efforts to soften my wife’s heart to me - the melodramatic calls and text messages demanding ‘an explanation’ about why this divorce is happening so fast, or demanding to know ‘how she can abandon our 10 yr marriage with kids without trying marriage counseling to save our marriage’. A man should not have this much time on his hands to think about things that he regrets, it’s just unhealthy. Especially during a situation like divorce, you should be practicing extreme self care, and forgiving yourself for mistakes like these. I’m only human, it’s only human to want to save your marriage, especially if you feel that you have been doing a lot of work on yourself to fix the personality flaws that have contributed to the demise of your marriage - and you haven’t been given the opportunity to try to work on the problems of your marriage in a counseling setting.
I’ve read a *lot* about what to do when faced with an unwanted divorce, I’ve learned a lot, but I’m not sure of anything. I’m still very scared for the future. There is a part of me that believes, rationally, that this too shall pass, and I can have a happy and fulfilling future, full of love. I just can’t even envision what that future would look like. And I’m dreading the steps of letting go that I will have to take to get there. I don’t want to let go of my old life, especially when it still seems like all of our problems are fixable, if she would only open her heart.
I realize that I am very good at acting cheerful, casual, upbeat, non confrontational, etc. around my wife, which is a big part of allowing her to relax around me again emotionally. But I feel like the other things that I must do: detach myself, really detach myself from all outcomes, living in the present moment, really taking an inventory of myself and working on the things that about myself that are no longer useful to me that have contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I feel like the past 3-4 weeks of health scare and being bedridden have prevented me from making a lot of progress in that regard. (I have managed almost 90 days of sobriety, and 90 days of 12 step meetings, and no lying anymore, those are my biggest personality flaws so I have to give myself credit for that).
If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that one thing you have to do to successfully get your wife to change her mind about divorcing you - the one thing that every man since the beginning of time who has successfully convinced his wife to change her mind - is that THEY GAVE UP ALL HOPE in a successful outcome. They just continued, fighting the good fight, in the face of derision, incredulity, and incomprehension from their friends and family.
So I think sometime in the middle of the night yesterday something shifted in me. I’m not completely there yet but I can tell my mind is shifting. I’m giving up all hope - but I will continue to - be there for my kids, be poised cheerful non confrontational and relaxed around my wife, keep working on myself and never give up trying to be a better man - not because it is a ploy to bring my wife back, but because it is the right thing to do.
With a heavy heart, I have to admit that my situation seems very bleak, and we are very far down the road to divorce. A divorce has already been filed, she is unwilling to talk to me right now about why she is unwilling to first try to save our marriage by going to counseling, I made some progress in getting her to open her heart and communicate at a deeper level - but then I ‘lost it’ and set myself back months by my impulsive behavior. I’m already living outside the house. Our friends and family already know that we are splitting, which is reinforcing of the situation in and of itself.
The only hope for saving our marriage is - this tiny hope I have inside me, that I have to snuff out right now, because it is not helping me on any level. It feels like I have to kill the last vestiges I have of love for my wife, so that I can move on with my life.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
That last one was very awkwardly written- rewrote parts of it
Random journaling:
Today I went to the clinic - the doctor gave me the last of the antibiotic iv treatments, then told me that I am done with antibiotics and pain meds, and I’m cleared for regular activity. I’m finally able to leave the house - I can walk and do a light job but I can’t run, and I can’t lift heavy weights over 20 pounds for 6-8 weeks. At least I’m free.
Since I’m not able to do any strenuous exercise, my plan of hardcore workouts and transforming my body are now on hold for the next 6-8 weeks. I guess that’s ok - I can just diet and go on long walks, maybe bike rides. I’m also going to be working at the office instead of working at home - starting tomorrow. It is about a half hour commute to my office, and I’m not required to go into the office - but I want to. It will do me good to be around other people, and socialize with my coworkers.
I can have the kids this weekend too, which will be nice. I haven’t spent more than an hour with them at a time since my emergency surgery happened 3 weeks ago. I plan to really spoil them this weekend and do fun things. I also accepted my friend J’s invitation to go to the UFC fights over the weekend, which should be fun, even though I know nothing about UFC. Texts with my W were cordial today, I didn’t say or do anything to press the situation.
——————
Over the past few days I have not slept very well, but I’ve had all night to read divorce articles online and ruminate over my situation - how I was doing so well in opening up communication with my wife, how last week I went a little stir crazy during my recovery at home and did things that probably set back my efforts to soften my wife’s heart to me - the melodramatic calls and text messages demanding ‘an explanation’ about why this divorce is happening so fast, or demanding to know ‘how she can abandon our 10 yr marriage with kids without trying marriage counseling to save our marriage’. A man should not have this much time on his hands to think about things that he regrets, it’s just unhealthy. Especially during a situation like divorce, you should be practicing extreme self care, and forgiving yourself for mistakes like these. I’m only human, it’s only human to want to save your marriage, especially if you feel that you have been doing a lot of work on yourself to fix the personality flaws that have contributed to the demise of your marriage - and you haven’t been given the opportunity to try to work on the problems of your marriage in a counseling setting.
I’ve read a *lot* about what to do when faced with an unwanted divorce, I’ve learned a lot, but I’m not sure of anything. I’m still very scared for the future. There is a part of me that believes, rationally, that this too shall pass, and I can have a happy and fulfilling future, full of love. I just can’t even envision what that future would look like. And I’m dreading the steps of letting go that I will have to take to get there. I don’t want to let go of my old life, especially when it still seems like all of our problems are fixable, if she would only open her heart.
I realize that I am very good at acting cheerful, casual, upbeat, non confrontational, etc. around my wife, which is a big part of allowing her to relax around me again emotionally. But I feel like the other things that I must do: detach myself, really detach myself from all outcomes, living in the present moment, really taking an inventory of myself and working on the things about myself that are no longer useful to me that have contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I feel like the past 3-4 weeks of health scare and being bedridden have prevented me from making a lot of progress in that regard. (I have managed almost 90 days of sobriety, and 90 days of 12 step meetings, and no lying anymore, those are my biggest personality flaws so I have to give myself credit for that).
If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that one thing you have to do to successfully get your wife to change her mind about divorcing you - the one thing that every man since the beginning of time who has successfully convinced his wife to change her mind has done - is to THEY GIVE UP ALL HOPE in a successful outcome. To just continue, fighting the good fight, in the face of derision, incredulity, and incomprehension from friends and family.
So I think sometime in the middle of the night yesterday something shifted in me. I’m not completely there yet but I can tell my mind is shifting. I’m giving up all hope - but I will continue to - be there for my kids, be poised cheerful non confrontational and relaxed around my wife, keep working on myself and never give up trying to be a better man - not because it is a ploy to bring my wife back, but because it is the right thing to do.
With a heavy heart, I have to admit that my situation seems very bleak, and we are very far down the road to divorce. A divorce has already been filed, she is unwilling to talk to me right now about why she is unwilling to first try to save our marriage by going to counseling, I made some progress in getting her to open her heart and communicate at a deeper level - but then I ‘lost it’ and set myself back months by with impulsive behavior last week. I’m already living outside the house. Our friends and family already know that we are splitting, which is reinforcing of the situation in and of itself.
The only hope for saving our marriage is killing all hope. This tiny hope I have inside me, I have to snuff out right now, because it is not helping me on any level. It feels like I have to kill the last vestiges I have of love for my wife, so that I can move on with my life.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Just attended a 12 step meeting where the topic discussion was 'acceptance of things you can't change'. I'm just a wreck. I barely got through five minutes of talking before I broke down crying in front of the whole group - and it was a 'men's only' meeting.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Like you i have to snuff out all hope too. The only way i can do that is live my own life like she doesnt exist or passed away or whatever. Be cordial and pleasant when i have to contact her but otherwise i am a widower.
Enjoy the UFC fights, have some bro time. Fist bump.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
