My wife walked out 3

[RSG]

Ginger, that's a good observation. She is VERY dependent on me in certain situations. She's definitely an independent THINKER, but in terms of actions? Not really. I always called places, whether it was the doctor, school, therapist, ordering food over the phone. Me. Always.

She's always been one to depend on my advice and judgments. I made the bigger decisions, and I handled money. Politically, she's very pro-independent woman but in day to day life she likes the safety of traditional gender roles.

I hear what you're saying. I'm trying to fight my urges, and keep in mind I'm not a H helping his W right now. I think I take a couple steps forward and then one back, but I'm working. I do also think she finds excuses to chat, but I don't do much chatting anymore I just listen. And while I may read texts, I try not to respond very quickly if at all.

Cnut, I know you're in a rough spot right now. Just wanted to throw out a little thank you! You may be right about the validation. "I know you're worried about him, because I know you're a worrier and he was scared. But, I'm swamped at work and don't really have time to call. They are very open to talking about his day so if you want to...."

Cbt, I do see/hear the respect coming out. Like I mentioned above, I do slip a little when I take a couple steps forward but I'm moving in a positive direction. She sent a bunch of texts about an apt, talking about reducing her contributions to S tuition, and additional garbled info. Called once, texted more....finally got home and she called again. I pick up because I don't understand any of this lol. She says "we" have to look at this apt it's $XYZ, but I'd need to reduce on tuition. As she's talking she realizes all her info is wrong, and the whole thing is moot. She then asks if I called school about what's up with his naps (she picked him up today, talked with teacher and he's not napping well. If he doesn't want to nap, he does things to stay up, gets loud and won't listen.) I said yes, and told the teacher an idea. W didn't think of this but my idea was to give him milk at nap time so he has a full tummy. They don't use sippy cups in his class because they can get dirty. I said we could bring in a fresh one, clean it at night and bring back. Teacher said cool, I'll run it by Director. I said I would too when I pick him up.

Scares me that W didn't think of this, it's so simple. But, she's just now getting out of what I'd call mediocre Mom. Also, I wanted to ask why she couldn't just tell me what the teacher told her but that's something she's been awful at for a long time. (See above) Then we chat for a minute about this weekend. She wants me to keep him Th night, F and her pick him up S so she can spend the day with her folks who're coming on a day trip. She wants her folks to park at my house and pickup S. I'm apprehensive about this and haven't said yes/no (ie her parents using my house as a parking lot). She wants to drop him off in the evening because Su morning she's going to church. (Big positive surprise there. If true.)

Couple things: There is no WE in getting an apartment. I'm not ready for her to move back in, but we're separated. I'm not an ATM. Now, if her choices are roach motel and home, then I'll adjust tuition ratio because S doesn't deserve that. That's it. I've set pretty good boundaries, and I don't initiate conversation at all but realize I can pull back more and I'm working on it.

[RSG]

Update: I was so apprehensive about it, I just asked... why did you want your folks parking here again? She answered they're not, we'll just pickup S.

I just simply cannot make myself available like a H until she starts to show ANY kind of movement towards being a W. I'm almost certain she's annoyed, but I know I have to keep cutting down my availability.

[cbtdad]

Keep it up RSG!
Let her be annoyed. Don't be an a$$ about it or other things, but you are not her caretaker at the moment
Annoyed is good. Means she still cares
When she starts becoming indifferent is when you know it's time to worry

[RSG]

Keep it up RSG!
Let her be annoyed. Don't be an a$$ about it or other things, but you are not her caretaker at the moment
Annoyed is good. Means she still cares
When she starts becoming indifferent is when you know it's time to worry

Thanks!! I try to remain calm, and watch my words especially via text.

As expected, she said nothing else last night after I made it clear I was uncomfortable w/her folks leaving their car with me. But, same thing this AM. 2 calls to me 1 to my work phone while I'm driving and getting situated at work. She texts me about somewhat mundane things at preschool. He's in a different room today, and was freaked out. She felt terrible because he was crying, asks me to pickup a Fall Calendar at the front desk and wants to talk about S. I just text what's up and asks why the other parents knew the class was in a different room but she didn't know and if she should've brought his swim gear. I said I'd ask this PM if they use any communication and swim gear was right because Th is their water play day. (Luckily she DID bring it)

She asks me to pick him up earlier. I said I'd try and she texts a thumbs up.

She is definitely dependent on me re S. Every little thing about S, she wants to discuss and get my ideas/thoughts on. It's never been like this before, and when I have an issue I don't ask her until it's something I don't think I can handle on my own.

She text me about a dozen times, and I responded 4 times with quick, short answers. I can still cut down a little more I know, but I think I'm taking baby steps. I also see more respectful words like please, thank you, I appreciate it and the like along with more respectful requests. Not long ago I felt she was telling me what to do. Now she asks, using soft words.

Gotta keep with the boundaries. Especially knowing she needs me and my advice so much....

[MoveFrwd]

Especially knowing she needs me and my advice so much....

I liked to think to myself - If my ex and I were each remarried to other people, how would I handle things? How much would I text back? How often would I acquiesce to requests?

I think you should start considering things like that.

[RSG]

I'm starting to do that actually. It's not easy sometimes.

I picked up little guy today at 5, and traffic was so awful it took us 45 more minutes to travel the 5+mi to get home. W text and ask how his day was. Not really important, so I don't answer. Bedtime comes around, she calls 3 times and texts "why are you doing this?" I didn't answer the first call because I was going downstairs to fill his cup with milk, she called the other 2 times while I was downstairs.

I responded to the text and said he's about to go to bed. She calls again and texts saying she'd like to speak to S, so I let it through. She rubs her eyes and gets angry that I haven't given her an update because "she always does." She asks me to let her know how dropoff goes tomorrow, and I say fine but I'm not going to. It's really unnecessary, especially since she can check the cameras.

My question is, when she gets huffy and asks why I'm not giving her updates "when I (she) always clearly communicate about him" what should I say? I don't want to get ugly, but I feel it's unnecessary mostly and not realistic for our status as S spouses. Incidentally, I posted a picture of him on FB with the caption "Magic is when this kid looks at you and says I want a hug." She was the first to like it. And when she changed from a phone call to Facetime to see him, she rubbed her eyes like she's been crying and said she was just coming from the gym.

It feels so counterproductive to do this so firmly. I know DB says that means you're exactly right and to keep going, but making her angry just doesn't feel like it's drawing her to me. She mentioned "I've got enough on my plate without 'this'..." I'm not sure what that means, and I don't dare ask. That said, I wouldn't want her to come home eventually just because it means she would see S. I want her to commit to our M because of love and a desire to be a family. How does becoming a near black hole accomplish that? I'm not saying I'm going to do anything differently, I'd just like to hear the logic behind it.

Thanks gang!!

[Coconut]

RSG, she needs to feel the loss, that's why it's the right thing to do. I'm not in your position with a young child, but I think if I was in your position when she asks why you didnt give update I'd say something to the effect of I was busy and it slipped my mind, I wouldn't acknowledge the part of even though she does, but if you feel like you must, maybe something along the lines of its not like I meant to not give you an update, I just had other things on my mind.

[MoveFrwd]

My question is, when she gets huffy and asks why I'm not giving her updates "when I (she) always clearly communicate about him" what should I say?

When Im with him, I want to focus on him. I can give you an update each day after he's in bed.

Or something to that effect.

I dont think so from your posts....but you arent regularly asking her for updates, right?

[RSG]

I see what you're saying. I like that!! I may try that one tonight. It's been so hard to be dim, I feel like an a-hole knowing she's crying but I know it's something I need in order to see what life's like w/o her and vice versa.

No, I stopped asking about how he's doing. She sends a few pictures on weekends, will ping me for advice and if there's a problem no matter how small. This is outside of real communication as well. "He needs XYZ at school today" "Do you have the shoes" etc.

[lt0402]

My question is, when she gets huffy and asks why I'm not giving her updates "when I (she) always clearly communicate about him" what should I say?

When Im with him, I want to focus on him. I can give you an update each day after he's in bed.

Completely agree with darknes here. I know w/ my W this would be the perfect response were she constantly asking for updates.