Actually, here is a start. I would suggest you calling your W back and apologizing for yelling earlier. Tell her that you're thankful for her telling you about the meeting and that you appreciate her transparency.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't know how to change me. I've set boundaries and the consequences are I rage against her and humanity all in one breath. Today they were in a meeting together and ow sat down RIGHT NEXT TO W. Does this sound like W has conveyed any NC at all? W called to tell me that, and I blew up and hung up. Then it occurred to me, and I'm not being too dramatic I don't think, that I feel like a rape victim. With apologies to rape victims, because I can't really feel your pain, it feels like W is consorting with the rapist. And it brings up the trauma of the affair and the despair all over again. Why can't she see that even acknowledging that woman's presence feels like she is being validated. And of course ow has no sense to stay the eff away. She took her place at W's side like she belongs there, and it is NOT ok with me.
But how do I enforce anything? I tell her it's not ok and she says she didn't do anything wrong. ow sat down next to her. W refuses to discuss what to do. For me, it's simple. You could say, that seat is taken. Simple.
I know ow will continue to literally or figuratively take her place at W's side. Because she has to win. She has no moral fiber at all. She has dated 4 different people at our workplace and she just keeps getting away with all kinds of sh!t. And she's the head of HR, for god's sake!!!!! You'd think she might decide to keep her panties on with co-workers for that reason alone.
I'm so damn frustrated, I can't even begin to tell you...
You got to get your temper under control. If you keep blowing up on W, she will pull away.
I would like to know why she told you. Does she do it to be transparent or is it to push your buttons? I don't know your W but if she won't set boundaries and is a people-pleaser, it is possible that she displays some passive-aggressive behavior.
If I were you, I would try to avoid any R talk outside counseling right now, if you are going regularly. Ask W to not tell you about her interactions with OW outside counseling sessions. Then your MC can help you explain to W why this triggers reactions in you and why it feels inappropriate.
The time the two of you spend together should be positive.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
W has agreed to tell me when ow contacts her or when they run into each other. And I knew they would be in that meeting together because my boss attends it too and I have the list of attendees.
She said that when ow sat next to her she felt nothing. Which she saw as a good thing. I may see her as Satan personified, but W says she feels nothing -- maybe a little anger that ow feels so entitled that she can sit down next to her. She swears they said nothing beyond hello, and that it was awkward.
I've decided I need to just be as positive and content and happy as I can, and be the person she'd be a fool to leave (or even look away from.) Since I can't control the stupid other woman (sow) I just have to work on myself. I also intend to be a bit more independent so W knows she has to stay on her toes, too.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
W has agreed to tell me when ow contacts her or when they run into each other. And I knew they would be in that meeting together because my boss attends it too and I have the list of attendees.
She said that when ow sat next to her she felt nothing. Which she saw as a good thing. I may see her as Satan personified, but W says she feels nothing -- maybe a little anger that ow feels so entitled that she can sit down next to her. She swears they said nothing beyond hello, and that it was awkward.
Did she say this the first time she called or did this info come later?
Meaning, did she tell you this and you blew up? Because that's pretty important information...
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I've decided I need to just be as positive and content and happy as I can, and be the person she'd be a fool to leave (or even look away from.) Since I can't control the stupid other woman (sow) I just have to work on myself. I also intend to be a bit more independent so W knows she has to stay on her toes, too.
That sounds like the way to go. Keep posting!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, when W first called she said they barely spoke. Then in therapy she said they chatted. Then later in therapy she said it was just an awkward hello, so I don't really know what to believe. I think at one point she said they said nothing, so the story kept changing. The part about feeling nothing then feeling anger at ow's entitlement came out during therapy. At first I thought -- nothing, you felt nothing when this witch sat down next to you?????? But then she clarified that nothing meant no emotion, no thrill, nothing. I don't know if I entirely believe that, but I do want to believe her when she says she wants nothing to do with ow.
I realize I'm getting all bent out of shape for next to nothing, and that others on here are dealing with a lot worse, so I really do appreciate any input I can get. Thanks, everyone.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
No, it's not next to nothing, but it's about which shape you should get bent into. It should be something functional.
And have patience. She's in counseling with you, she's open about when they meet, she's in a process as well. You're together and she says she felt nothing towards OW. Hopefully that is true.
Look more for things like pulling away emotionally from you, shutting you out, being secretive or erratic in her behavior. If you think back, you probably know what to look for.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I realize I'm getting all bent out of shape for next to nothing, and that others on here are dealing with a lot worse, so I really do appreciate any input I can get. Thanks, everyone.
We all fight different battles. My battle is different, but it doesn't mean it's more or less important than yours!
Keep working on build that trust! (slightly jealous over here but the good kind!!!)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thank you for posting on my thread NYGal and it's good to hear from you. I have always been told that actions are louder than words: your W goes to counselling with you, and to me it says that she wants to work on your relationship.
You need to give her time as she is also dealing with her own demons. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that long that you have been back together, give her and you some time to heal.
You are doing great and piercing from what I have gathered here is a slow process.
but the good kind!!!)