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Wow, the OW sounds like a real piece of work....your W needs to wake up and see what a catch you are...I just don't understand the WW...... I know they are not themselves but its still difficult....


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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How are you NYG? Hang in there today!!


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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NYGal Offline OP
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Feeling better after a horrendous weekend. W is very remorseful and swears she is D.O.N.E. with ow. I believe she thinks she is. But I don't completely trust the future. I had come so far and now it's so hard again.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Well I hope she is done for your sake!! I am sure trust will be a big issue...


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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NYGal, you are an amazing and wonderful person. I believe that you can deal with this setback once more. You have been able to do it once, you can do it again. You have so much strength in you.
Take care of you ((((hugs))))

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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Feeling better after a horrendous weekend. W is very remorseful and swears she is D.O.N.E. with ow. I believe she thinks she is. But I don't completely trust the future. I had come so far and now it's so hard again.


Im glad to hear you are feeling better. You didnt answer some of my comments for you, and by no means do you need to. It's just food for thought.

That said, what are your thoughts/plans for healing from this? For your sake, I hope it isnt "swallow this and trust W's word that she is done."

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Originally Posted By: darknes
NYG -
I don't think it is on you to "let this go".

I'm not sure you should DO anything just yet.

But you can't just allow this boundary to be crossed without any issue. What if W said she just needed to sleep with OW one more time "for closure"? Would you be expected to just "let that go" too? NO, THAT WOULD NOT BE OK. THE LUNCH WAS NOT OK EITHER. I SCREAMED AT HER FOR HOURS OVER THAT ONE. NOT A GOOD MOVE, I ADMIT.

This is about you now. I think your sole focus has been on repairing your R with W. What do you need to heal?
I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS NO CONTACT WITH OW. EVER. AND NOT WITH HER FRIENDS, EITHER. SEE BELOW.


It has been a difficult week. I lost my temper and didn't calm down for about 3 days after W had lunch with ow. Then on Friday W got a text from ow's friend -- ANOTHER person who works at the same place we all do -- this bestie was encouraging the A all along, so I'm not real thrilled that she is contacting W. The text read "so what does moving forward look like for you?" I get that it was in response to a text W sent, obviously saying she was moving forward. And W thought she was justified in texting with ow's bestie, and that her message was honorable. But then why did she delete the previous texts? And why was she texting with her after we discussed, and I thought she agreed, that it wouldn't be a good idea to stay in touch with this person?

I see it as a way to get messages back and forth, with bestie acting as the intermediary. And furthermore, it's none of her business what W means by moving forward!!! I don't want ow or her friends to know anything at all about me or about us.

So it really got to me, and I was pretty mean to W all weekend. I also found an old slip of paper with the name of the hotel they chose to consummate the A, so it's no wonder I was triggered. I really do not think W wants to be in touch with ow. I think I'm pushing and pushing and pushing her to see what the breaking point is, and I think I've found it. We aren't speaking today. Rough day.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hang in there NYGal...I can't offer you advice since I am stink at not making my W miss me....but we are here for you...I appreciate your advice and I am going to follow through, I promise.


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Originally Posted By: darknes
NYG -
I don't think it is on you to "let this go".

I'm not sure you should DO anything just yet.

But you can't just allow this boundary to be crossed without any issue. What if W said she just needed to sleep with OW one more time "for closure"? Would you be expected to just "let that go" too? NO, THAT WOULD NOT BE OK. THE LUNCH WAS NOT OK EITHER. I SCREAMED AT HER FOR HOURS OVER THAT ONE. NOT A GOOD MOVE, I ADMIT.

This is about you now. I think your sole focus has been on repairing your R with W. What do you need to heal?
I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS NO CONTACT WITH OW. EVER. AND NOT WITH HER FRIENDS, EITHER. SEE BELOW.


It has been a difficult week. I lost my temper and didn't calm down for about 3 days after W had lunch with ow. Then on Friday W got a text from ow's friend -- ANOTHER person who works at the same place we all do -- this bestie was encouraging the A all along, so I'm not real thrilled that she is contacting W. The text read "so what does moving forward look like for you?" I get that it was in response to a text W sent, obviously saying she was moving forward. And W thought she was justified in texting with ow's bestie, and that her message was honorable. But then why did she delete the previous texts? And why was she texting with her after we discussed, and I thought she agreed, that it wouldn't be a good idea to stay in touch with this person?

I see it as a way to get messages back and forth, with bestie acting as the intermediary. And furthermore, it's none of her business what W means by moving forward!!! I don't want ow or her friends to know anything at all about me or about us.

So it really got to me, and I was pretty mean to W all weekend. I also found an old slip of paper with the name of the hotel they chose to consummate the A, so it's no wonder I was triggered. I really do not think W wants to be in touch with ow. I think I'm pushing and pushing and pushing her to see what the breaking point is, and I think I've found it. We aren't speaking today. Rough day.


Well, I think it's good that you can at least recognize that screaming at W for hours isnt going to be particularly productive.

There is a difference between setting your boundaries and punishing your W.

I think you need to define clearly what you will and what you wont accept as behaviors from W. What will be the consequences if she fails to meet those? I dont think "getting screamed at for hours" is a good answer wink

Try not to think about controlling your W. Instead define what you can accept in order to heal from this yourself. I fear you are rushing to fix things with W without actually having the time for your own personal wounds to heal.

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The possibility of my wife relapsing on the "addiction" and being in contact with OM is something that's on my mind quite a bit lately. I find myself day-dreaming "what if" scenarios... and have given some thought to what I might do if that happened. (I try to shut them down so I don't overly focus on the the negative possibilities, but the thoughts keep popping up.)

Anyway, I agree with darknes that the burden isn't on you to move past this or decide what the next steps are. I think that burden is on your W. That question - "what does moving forward look like for you?" - is very relevant in the sense that that is exactly what your W needs to answer for you. And your only real responsibility is to take it a day at a time and see if what she is doing is good enough to win you back, possibly with pointers to help her refine what she is doing as things move forward.

It is totally appropriate if you want to set some minimum standards or expectations, but in your shoes I would want to see just what my W is willing to do to win me back, and how she plans to try and win back my trust after going back on her NC commitment.

It is really easy for anyone to agree to terms someone else put together without really thinking about it, but asking them to put themselves in your shoes and put together a plan for how they plan to win you back shows a lot more effort, and you're worth it! If they aren't willing to put effort into that, then you need to be prepared to move forward without them until they realize what they lost.


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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