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Wow, 2T, what a turn of events! I’m glad you stood up for yourself and told H what was on your mind about BIL. I also glad that BIL is gone. What a selfish man! Too bad for your H that he has now to face his parents about the whole thing. But… he brought it up on himself. You are not responsible for his decisions. You’ve been nothing but understanding and gracious about a lot of things.

One things I’m not clear about. Did H actually lie about him being sick, etc… or was it BIL’s plot? Sorry, if I missed this in your posts. I’ve been kind of dealing with some of the unpleasant things recently, so my head is a bit “sore”.

Take care of yourself, 2T.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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What a busy day you had! This meltdown has been brewing for quite some time and he had to get "very angry" in order to confront his brother. Things should operate much better w/the BIL gone...but don't be surprised to discover some things that your BIL may have done while there in the last two years. You and your h have no idea to what extent he's been playing things behind the scene. I do hope that I'm wrong about this. I'm glad that man is gone and you now have someone else to work with.

Today, hopefully, will be a better day for all of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2691570 07/20/16 09:19 AM
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2T - wow, lots going on over there. In reading about your h's various fluctuations, I was reminded of a teenager who toggles between showing tremendous maturity, sudden moodiness, anger and odd immaturity. And then back again through it all. Sounds familiar, eh? One day, h is über capable. The next he storms off saying this isn't "fun." Then anger and back to maturity. Yes, more baking needed.

As for you BIL, it seems to me you practiced self care. There is a business and a marriage at stake. From what you write, it does not appear that BIL was on the same page.

Rgarding your in-laws, it's a private business affair, really. There will be much he said/she said and as parents, their primary objective should be to sit the fence and help them mend fences as they cannot know the whole truth to what happened.

Take care. Thinking of you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2691764 07/21/16 08:29 AM
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Bright, yes H did lie or at the least, wasn't completely truthful. I thought he was being vague and shrugged it off like I do most of the stuff he keeps to himself about his activities until BIL started in on me about H lying to hide something and speculating about whether H stayed out all night. I was already skeptical of some things H had said during the previous couple of days but was choosing not to delve into it. BIL pushed my buttons and I reacted.

HaWho, I agree there are a lot of fluctuations with H's behavior and it really doesn't surprise me. I didn't like the intensity of his reaction, but it wasn't entirely unexpected. He actually said he regretted his reaction and asked me if I thought he had a right to be angry and I told him yes. As for the in-laws, I think my R with them has come to an end.

Job, "surprised" is an understatement. What I've learned has me completely stunned.

H came to the house last night and said he wanted to talk to me about some of the things BIL told me because he wanted to see if some of my "melt-downs" corresponded to BIL's interference.

He never got to that though. Instead he told me that one of the things BIL had told him (on several occasions) was to carefully watch the finances because BIL suspected I was pilfering money from the business. He then talked about the things BIL was telling me at the same time about H hiding funds or trying to sell the company without my knowledge.

He also said that while BIL was telling me I should buy out H, he was telling H that he should buy me out and get rid of me.

I knew BIL was up to no good, but I had no idea how deep or serious it was. I never imagined BIL was that conniving and underhanded.

H said, "2T, I don't get it. Why would he do this? What was his motive? What did he think he would gain?"

We talked a lot about it, but didn't come up with anything more than speculation about things like ego, lust for power, jealousy of H or our success, etc. I don't think we will ever know the answers to H's questions.

H said he wasn't happy about the way things happened but he thought it was all for the best.

We also got the issue about the previous morning straightened out, then went to dinner and had a pleasant evening.

About 45 minutes after I got home (while I was typing a post) H showed up and asked if he could spend the night here. Of course, I said yes.

FIL kicked him out. They had a huge argument. FIL said some incredibly nasty things to H and accused him not taking care of his B and meeting his "family obligations." He tried to get H to say he would take BIL back and H said no. FIL tried the guilt route saying BIL had a family to support and now had no job, no insurance, etc. H stood his ground. FIL called H some perfectly awful names. It was ugly.

We talked for a couple of hours about what had happened. Well, he talked. I mostly listened. H expressed feelings about his upbringing and his R with his family (particularly his Dad), going back many, many years. Most of what he said I've heard bits and pieces of for many years so there wasn't much that he said that surprised me. He talked as though his R with his family was over, saying he said goodbye to his Mom before he left and he knew he'd not see her again.

This is the scenario that I feared would happen once BIL's antics came to light ... a family torn apart and H taking the brunt of the blame. In his parents eyes, BIL is totally innocent in all this and has done nothing wrong. Sadly, H is the "bad guy" ... always has been and always will be in his F's eyes.

I'm trying to keep in mind that although H is hurt and bitter right now, time has a way of healing wounds and hopefully he and his Dad can get back to a state of tolerance some day.

H seemed calm this morning. I wished him a good day when he left for the office and he said he was going to have a great day and was looking forward to the dinner I'm making for him tonight.

I'm just astonished at how things can change in the blink of an eye.

Me? I'm doing fine. I'm saddened by the whole sitch, but other than be supportive and compassionate toward H, I don't see that there's anything I can do.

I do feel some responsibility for bringing all this to light, but I just couldn't keep quiet any longer. I feel like H needed to know what BIL thought of him. He needed to know that BIL was not trustworthy, not reliable, had no respect for H, was not supportive of his business plans and didn't have his back. (Turns out BIL felt the same toward me.) I don't like what has happened and wish with all my might it could have been handled differently. But I don't regret speaking the truth and opening H's eyes to his B's duplicity which was much worse than I ever imagined.


Me: 59 and holding
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M: 19
T: 23
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Your BIL was "projecting" and most likely do the pilfering himself. He wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and figured your h wouldn't care since he's not around. He wanted to get rid of you because you were there working and would see things. In other words, your BIL was a very jealous man of both you and your h.

As for your h taking care of his brother, his brother is a grown man and should be able to get another job. In fact, he needs to get in the unemployment line and start looking. It is not a family obligation to keep a sibling on if he/she isn't working out. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to read later on that a lot of stuff went on that you didn't know about when it comes to your BIL.

I'm glad you and your h had a good conversation about the situation and I think all of you will be better off w/the BIL gone from the business. As for your H's family, they'll either get over it or they won't...but it's not their business to operate. It's not too often that siblings working together in a business that is owned by one of them works out. I have seen this happen before w/my xbil and xh.

Hang in there. I think you and your h both did the proper thing. Don't give it a second thought.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2691973 07/22/16 10:54 AM
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Hi 2T. I always follow your posts, but never have anything to add, but right now I don't know where to start!

First off, great job on how you have handled each situation that came up.

I am really glad you invited your H to stay with you instead of his parents. You explained me and my H, both seeming to want the same, but at a stalemate to be the first to give, the fear of rejection.... it's a weird place to be.

I am very happy you called out your H on lying. That is a boundary you must stand by and there was no reason for it. I would not beat yourself up for that, that was called for.

WOW about BIL! That so needed to happen! I love that your H came to you, to talk about things, sounds like BIL was making big waves between you and I am glad you both see that. You had suspected it.

I am sorry about the in-laws. Hopefully in time they will see that your H needed to do as he did and come to their senses. And look, H came and asked to stay with you. He could have gone to a hotel like he said, but he didn't. He came because of your offer, he knew it was safe to do so.

Keep that door open 2T. I would not hesitate or hold back if it feels right to you. I am happy to hear how things are coming to the surface here....I suspect more will, not only about BIL, but between you and H. Keep those lines of communication open.

Get yourself some rest, you deserve it! Best wishes 2T.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Thank you so much mleigh4 for such a positive post. Boy, did I need to hear it. The past 4 days have been discouraging, to say the least.

I suppose I could sum it all up with one statement that H made on Saturday: "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too." Yes. He actually said that!

H stayed at my place on Wednesday night after he was booted out of his Dad's place. He checked into a hotel on Thursday night saying he didn't want to interfere with my routine. On Friday he said the hotel was awful and asked to stay with me. I said ok.

Everything was fine until Saturday afternoon when he wanted to get into personal plans for the future.

I told him I would not stand in his way if he wanted a D, but I would not remain his partner. I told him that in my mind a D was final and the end and that I wouldn't want him in my life in any capacity afterwards.

Once again, I had to shoot down this idea he has had since BD that we will D and still be business partners and friends. I asked him if we got a D and everything stayed the same, what's the point? I asked why would I want to go through the emotional and stressful process of a D if nothing changes? I asked if he wanted to get remarried or did he just not want to feel guilty about his lady friends? He said he had no intention of getting remarried although he would never say never. (Ignored the guilt question.) He said he wanted closure. I asked how is it closure if everything stays the same except you've signed your name to some legal document? How does that bring closure? He said I had a point.

I said I want closure, too, but his proposal would not provide that to me.

This is where the cake eating comment came in.

I made it very clear that I wasn't saying I would leave the company because I wanted to keep him "hooked." I said I've continued to do what I do because it's the right thing to do and I do care about the company and our employees. But, I'm prepared to walk away because I can't be his XW and his business partner. I told him when I sign on the dotted line, in my mind, our R is over

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think that as long as there is no D, there is hope. I feel like if a D happens, all hope is lost. It's done. We're finished. I'm permanently fired. What I can't figure out is why, after all this, I still want this man? I wonder if I really want this man (who has hurt me like no other person on this planet could) in my life or if I'm just afraid of an unknown future. As Scarlett would say, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

But to continue: I said, "Okay. This is what I want as a D settlement" and told him what I wanted (leaving room for negotiation, of course). First he said, "So, you've been giving this some thought." Then, after doing some calculations he said he couldn't afford to buy me out.

He started telling me how valuable I was and if I left the company, he'd never find someone who could manage the money as well as I did or someone who he could trust like he trusts me.

That's when the first truth dart took flight. I told him he had confirmed what I've thought for years ... that my only value to him was my ability to help him make money ... that I was just one of his donkeys. (He once, when he was deep in the fog and as angry as h3ll, referred to his employees as donkeys and said their only purpose was to make him money.)

I launched another dart that maybe I shouldn't have, but I compared his behavior to that of some coworkers years ago that wanted nothing more out of life than to drink, party, buy expensive man toys and run around on their wives. H thought they were all scum.

It wasn't all negative though. I told him that there were a lot of things I admired about him, but there were other things that I didn't like. I said I wished I could put him back on his pedestal but every time we seemed to be getting along well and I was taking a small step in that direction, he did or said something to push me away. He looked surprised and said, "Really?" I said yes, you do. I said I wished I could put him back up there and I've tried, but I didn't think that would ever happen. He asked, "Too much water under the bridge?" I said, "No. Too many roadblocks."

On Sunday I just left him alone. I did my thing at the house and had very little interaction with him. In all honesty, I just didn't have the energy to deal with him.

Late Sunday afternoon he said he didn't want us to be like that. He said we needed to get on the same page and work together because we had big changes in the company to deal with and we should just put off all the other stuff for now. Here's the funny remark, "We can't be walking around thinking FU each time we pass each other." A little projection there, you think? I didn't respond to that one.

He also said he had never called me names or made personal remarks like the ones I did the day before. (I so wish I had a tape of all the critical, blaming, disrespectful, demeaning and just plain hateful things he's said to me over the past 3 years.) He said he wasn't going to put up with that anymore. So, I guess I'm now forbidden from saying anything negative about his behavior? Maybe my darts hit home?

Then he started pouring it on thick about how great I was at my job. He said how impressed he was that I got the company through some difficult financial times and that I had saved two peoples jobs since we were close to firing two people. He questioned my desire to leave the company after a D saying it was not a smart financial decision. I just told him that sometimes you have to balance things and I had to balance financial aspects with my emotional and mental health.

Monday night he started in again saying I misinterpreted what he said about the company falling apart if I left. He said he was trying to pay me a compliment.

Later he said he knew what I wanted. He said he knew I wanted to try but he didn't want to be M and didn't want to be a H. Blah, blah, blah. Same broken record.

I simply told him that I felt like I had been living in a nightmare for the past 3 years and I wanted it to end. I said I knew I could end it myself and that I just needed to figure out what price I was willing to pay and how much I was willing to sacrifice to make that happen. (He knows I've been testing if I can live here without the additional income I get from the business, so he knows I'm trying to figure those things out.)

His basic demeanor was hugely different from his last visit. I felt like I had gone back in time 3 years and I was hearing the same old stuff again but without the anger. There was so much of MLC H bubbling up, but in a subdued manner (with the exception of throwing the coffee cup and the confrontation with BIL). Maybe the BIL stuff brought it up. Maybe that upset his apple cart? IDK?

Since Sunday, we've been polite and cordial - occasionally friendly - but that's it.

Anyway, he left here today knowing I'm trying to figure out if I can live here without an income from the business, that I won't try to stop a D but won't start it, what I want in a D settlement and that I will not continue in the business after a D. And he knows he will not get to have his cake and eat it too. He knows I won't buy into his fantasy any more than I already have. And if he's using his noggin at all, he knows I'm getting tired of this whole mess.

Regarding BIL. I think he feels pretty bad about the whole thing. He says it was his mistake to hire him in the first place and he knew it but he couldn't figure out how to fix it. He remarked that he had lost his whole family in the blink of an eye.

The truth is, he hired BIL so he could go be with OW1 (and yes, OW2 is still in the picture) and live his fantasy life. So he's dealing with the aftermatn of his craziness in MLC land. I don't feel sorry for him. Actions have consequences and he's dealing with his. So sad to watch, though.

In spite of all that, I'm doing fine. It nothing else, it just re-energizes me to keep moving forward, keep working on getting my life in order and prepare for a single life without H in it. It gives me the impetus to keep looking for the inner peace I need in facing that unknown future and the strength to do what has to be done for me.

Sorry this was so long.

My best to everyone.

2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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Your truth darts hit the target and he's got a lot of guilt going on and he's trying to figure out a way to keep you on in the business if a divorce takes place.

I think you handled the conversations extremely well and were very honest w/him. Yep, he wants his cake and it too! He's got a lot to think about, just as you do right now. He is now aware that he would need to buy you out of the business if you should divorce and yes, he most likely can do so...but he's going to try to convince you to stay on to do the work and not have to pay you a lump sum. It's all about the money for him right now. He can't even see two feet in front of him and realize that once you are divorced, everything changes.

Again, I think you did a great job w/the truth darts. You weren't nasty, but you were very honest w/him. Time will tell how your honesty was absorbed and what he's going to come up w/next.

Take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2693073 07/27/16 04:38 PM
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Thanks Job. I think those darts hit the bull's eye and I also think he needed to know how I felt. I shudder to think what he will come up with next.

You are so right. For him, it's all about the money and it has been for some time. And you're also right that he can't see two feet in front of him. A D would be far more detrimental (financially) to him than to me. I think he's (once again) thinking with the little head.

This is my biggest dilemma. I don't want him to come back because of the money. There is no doubt in my mind that if he didn't think he "needed" me in the company, he would have already filed and we'd be divorced. I truly am a donkey in his eyes, whether he wants to admit that to himself or not. I figured that one out a long time ago.

He could buy me out if he wanted a D bad enough. And his company would survive my absence. He'd just have to invest more of his time into it, which wouldn't allow him to live as he has been lately. I've made that possible and it sticks in my craw sometimes.

I know all the flattery and accolades about being a "superstar" when it comes to company finances are just his attempts to manipulate me into doing what he wants ... letting him have his cake and eat it too. But it doesn't work anymore. I might be afraid of facing an unknown future without a clear direction but I'm not afraid of losing him. I'm not going to fall for his manipulative games anymore. I don't think he's figured that out yet.

There is so much going through my mind right now. I'm still pondering why I even want this guy back. My IC has her work cut out for her tomorrow.

Anyway, I bought my ticket to see "Bad Moms" this weekend. It looks like it may be kind of raunchy, but hopefully funny.

I had to make an appt to take my little sports car (my MLC car? confused Gee. If he can have one, so can I! grin ) into the shop next week for a repair that I discovered was needed a couple of day ago. Fortunately, it's still under warranty, so that shouldn't be too bad.

My "test" to live on my retirement income without the additional funds from the company went well this month, but there were no insurance or tax bills to pay. So onward to next month. I really hope it works out that I can stay in this house after a potential D because I like it here. We shall see

HaWho, I thought about you a couple of nights ago and chuckled about the locked dorm room. I was headed to bed and wanted to tell H the alarm was set (he goes outside to smoke). I knocked on his door, waited a few seconds and was going to crack it so I didn't have to yell through the door. It was locked. A smile crossed my face and I thought about you.

I also thought, "What the h3ll? Are you afraid I'll walk in while you're in a state of undress? I've seen your talliwhacky (my Mom's term) a gazillion times. Did you get it pierced or something?"

Hey, sometimes you have to find the humor in all this drama.

Best to everyone.

2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
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T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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2T - LOL - when the kids ask my h why his door is locked, my h says innocently "oh it locks itself automatically." When I heard that, my eyes rolled so far to the back of my head, it took them all day to roll back to the front.

The beauty of this forum is that we get to see all the different ways these MLCers go crazy. Mine, unfortunately, is *literally* going nuts.

It's interesting to me that your h is still just sane enough to hold onto this business meanwhile making all sorts of other completely insane decisions. The way he brought on his brother so that he can run off and play? It's interesting to see the way he's making logic based decisions with pure emotions.

It reminds me of this story my h told early in replay. He had bombed me at this point. I had learned this was MLC. We were out with our kids and my h told this story about an old boss he had; a very successful individual. The guy had no kids and no wife, thankfully! One LBS spared here. Anyway, one day, the boss walks into work and up and quits a great job that pays well. He is almost 50. And, he becomes a monk and gives away EVERYTHING! Every last penny and material item.

So, not yet knowing to zip it, I said "know what that is boys? A midlife crisis!" H gets really huffy and retorts "no, sometimes people just want to change their lives." (He had been saying this a lot: that HE wanted to change his life.) So I say, "oh yeah? So how did it turn out for him at the monastery?" Long silence. H: "two years later he showed up at the office out of the blue (!) and asked for his job back." Imagine waking up to that? And he had worked his whole life for that security! Ouch.

Point is, there was a time where my h would have recognized the insanity of this! But that day he did not. To him, what this guy did was just a mere recalibration, a tweak. But my kids, then 9 and 11, even knew this was nutty.

Nice job with all those darts! Good luck in hosting your live-in teen!!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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