The lie continues...

[CT1118]

Still feeling good (see post above this). Just penned a letter stating that I am going grey. Maybe to give, maybe to memorize and say, maybe not to use at all. I'm not sure. Cadet said give it 6 months on another post. I interpreted that to mean before you say "ok, not waiting anymore". I confirmed the 6 months theory with a few other marriage sites and a some psychology items that say give a WH 6 weeks and a WW 6 months to a year. Statistically, the average A lasts 6 months and usually no longer than 2 years. I can do 6 months, if I see something, I set a new time.

I hit 5 months two days ago.

[CT1118]

So, I just briefed through some of these other posts. While reading one, an MLC item came up. It occurred to me that I had not explored MLC. I went to a few websites on women's MLC's. My WW had many of the signs listed. Ex, a few months before the A began she began talking out of nowhere about wanting to fish, wanting to rock climb (she never did these things), She claimed she couldn't handle the "roles" of marriage/motherhood, etc. She wanted to take a break, be an individual again. All this was months before the A began. The fact that her A is with a younger man. The fact that she says she does not know how she feels about us to the next day saying she knows we will be back together again one day. These things were all listed on a few of the MLC sites I looked up.
At this point as I said above, I am feeling pretty over it, but would an MLC versus just a straight up A change the game any? I can't see how I would need to stop doing what I am doing since it makes me feel better.

[CT1118]

WW came over today to drop off S4. I followed with 180. I was polite, but short with my answers. Did not get the you are weird or whats wrong stuff this time. She tried to give me a lecture about putting sun screen on our son. In the past I would have made a big deal about knowing how to do it an telling her it would be ok. Instead I just handed WW the sunscreen and said "I can see that this bothers you. Would you be more comfortable if you did this before leaving?" She screened him up while I went to the other room for a minute.
Then she tried to tell me she got a bill for me on the furniture. WW never managed the bills in the M, I did. I told her I could understand the confusion, but the bill was hers for all of the new furniture she had bought herself when she and I started the S. No fight, WW just realized she had mismanaged a few monetary things for herself.

She was leaving in her car and I was out walking the dog. She shouted a flirty statement at me and drove off. I just nodded. Its one thing to tell people to detach, but it is another to get there. I feel so good about what awakened in me yesterday. I have a long way to go, but finally I am not trying to feel confident about myself within the sitch. I am feeling confident about myself regardless of it.

[CT1118]

I felt great all yesterday and all of today until now. I thought all was good, until a minute ago. Sunday nights are when WW and A have historically gotten together. Im gonna watch a movie with my S4 and try to hang onto the moment. Someone tell me to stay strong.

[pinn]

Stay strong!! I think your plan sounds great! Do something to take your mind off of things.

[trumpet]

CT1118,

The moment you can take or leave your WW, without a sense of huge loss, is a wonderful moment.

Just realize that this process is not anywhere near linear. You will cycle back. Be prepared for it.

Feelings are comfortable or uncomfortable. Not good or bad. Understand that your response is your responsibility. The action she takes is not your responsibility. Her spew, her bad actions, her begging you to be co-dependent, her future mistakes, her blaming you for 100% of her problems... all of it her hers. You just control your response.

Anger is a secondary emotion - hurt is first. Anger is normal to have - expressing it is how so many of us go wrong, and how so many get themselves in trouble and in jail.

You will get angry again about the affair. Count on it. You will get mad about OM - there will be triggers that make these feelings flow up into you like Old Faithful. Just let them come and go, and understand them for what they are. Stick to your beliefs. Those don't change. Emotions change by the minute. And those that go chasing after emotions (most, if not all WW's) are bound to find themselves down cheeseless tunnels.

Have faith! Get sleep. Eat well. And live for another day. The fight isn't over, but you caring about what someone does is.

[CT1118]

CT1118,

The moment you can take or leave your WW, without a sense of huge loss, is a wonderful moment.

Just realize that this process is not anywhere near linear. You will cycle back. Be prepared for it.

Feelings are comfortable or uncomfortable. Not good or bad. Understand that your response is your responsibility. The action she takes is not your responsibility. Her spew, her bad actions, her begging you to be co-dependent, her future mistakes, her blaming you for 100% of her problems... all of it her hers. You just control your response.

Anger is a secondary emotion - hurt is first. Anger is normal to have - expressing it is how so many of us go wrong, and how so many get themselves in trouble and in jail.

You will get angry again about the affair. Count on it. You will get mad about OM - there will be triggers that make these feelings flow up into you like Old Faithful. Just let them come and go, and understand them for what they are. Stick to your beliefs. Those don't change. Emotions change by the minute. And those that go chasing after emotions (most, if not all WW's) are bound to find themselves down cheeseless tunnels.

Have faith! Get sleep. Eat well. And live for another day. The fight isn't over, but you caring about what someone does is.

Thank you. I just logged back in and this helped me very much. I was not thinking of her as much as I was mad at myself for feeling like a chump. I know it's not true. It's not being a chump to love someone and want to put in a fight for it. I had never thought of it the way you put it, she did beg me to be co-dependent. I never thought of it that way. My anger at the OM comes and goes, I know WW is lying to him too. WW kicked all of her family off her FB so the could not see what she does, so she lies to them as well. Addiction.
WW starts her new job 1st week of Aug. I am trying to hang in there and see how that affects her A. Some here think new job will help my cause, some don't. Trying to hang in there before I pull one of the last resort measures and play the "I'm through with you" card. It really won't be a play at that point, more like a statement of fact.

[trumpet]

The "I'm through with you" card is the actions she sees from you. Words will mean nothing. Remember, her lips are moving, she's lying, so words mean very little to her. Telling her that is actually counterproductive.

Speak softly. Your big stick is the actions you show her.

After reading your sitch, I see you continuing to enable her behavior by using the excuse your texts and calls concern your S. He's doing fine. I don't call the EX-WW kid related things unless they're in the ER. All other things I can handle. If a question concerning dates and events with the kids comes up, I text. I have texted the EX-WW 3-4 times in a week. That is all I have to do.

I did have to set the boundary to her that I no longer wished to be her friend, so no more texts, emails, showing up at work, etc. Personal emails or texts only. I even told her not to call! I want nothing to do with her as she starts her new 'happy' life with OM. She burned the marriage down to the ground, blamed me (of which my addiction played a big role), and continues to do so. I don't need that guilt in my life - she's blame shifting. It sounds like yours has done the same.

Keep focusing on yourself and your S. Being completely dark to her is your new goal. Will you feel like a jerk at times? Certainly, it sounds like you both had co-dependancy. But, you need to strengthen your wings. It's called growth. It's really hard.

My best advice on this board came when 2 X 4's came to my forehead. I appreciate those hits more now after the D than when I was in the middle of it. I'm not being very soft in my words - so you might not like what I have to say. I know I'm speaking the truth in love right now, so I hope you understand. Keep up the fight.

[CT1118]

Trumpet, thanks. I hear you loud and clear. For me the card will be going dark (or dim rather, down to email and text as you suggest), but I do have a few weeks of fight left. As long as I keep coming here, keep reading the DR (1/2 thru), and doing my GAL I think I have a few more weeks. Ido hear you loud and clear and I did not mention above that she texted me about S4 today and I left it alone, since he was with me, I felt no need to reply.

F'ing plan B. It [censored] how true that is.

[CT1118]

Not sure if it matters, but as far as WW still knows, I think the A has come to an end.