The lie continues...

[CT1118]

As a remark to 180 and to say to you all that when Sandi2 spoke about the women testing the 180was true here is what happened today. I have been doing 180 for maybe two days now. I posted above about how WW was telling me I was being weird and was I ok. She did that this morning when were discussing our kid as I said above. I felt good about it, but did wonder if it was right. Well, it was, but I screwed it up I think. Around noon I got an email from her absolutely gushing about how inspiring I am as a man, how I gave her an amazing child, how I am a great dad, how she did not know what our future would be together, but that she thanks me for all of the support over the years. Then she ended by telling me she did not deserve me. I must say, I did believe her, but had rule 32 in my head. I stared at it and thought about what MWD says in DB - do something different. Even 2 weeks ago I would have thanked for the kind words at a minimum, and maybe even commented, but I didn't because that is what she would have expected. All I said was "Not saying anything is the best response to this". Which I see now is a response, but I was thinking hey, this will be unexpected and she won't reply, she will have to think on it. She wrote back immediately, "yup, that is very perceptive". Sheeeet. I feel like I lost that one.

[CT1118]

Maybe I didn't, not sure...WW called right has she got off work, which coincides with when I pick our child up from preschool on the days I have him. She calls to speak with him, which I have no problem with. She began conversing with me, but I continued with the excerpt from number 15:
"15. ...be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative."

She said "I'm sorry to keep asking you this but is something, wrong? I feel like you have been so different with me the past few days." I said nothing is wrong, I feel great. She paused and asked if I was sure. I said yes, I feel great, I am looking forward to a night with our son. She said ok with a clear question mark and I said ok I will talk to you later. Her goodbye and then hang up.

I definately left her confused. I was briefly tempted to text some BS, but stopped myself by reminding myself how confused she has left me. Is it supposed to feel like this? Reading my posts from today, am I actually doing this right, half right, no where close?

[CT1118]

I've written a great deal hear and you all have been very helpful today. Would welcome more feedback.

[Coconut]

She said "I'm sorry to keep asking you this but is something, wrong? I feel like you have been so different with me the past few days." I said nothing is wrong, I feel great. She paused and asked if I was sure. I said yes, I feel great, I am looking forward to a night with our son. She said ok with a clear question mark and I said ok I will talk to you later. Her goodbye and then hang up.

I definately left her confused. I was briefly tempted to text some BS, but stopped myself by reminding myself how confused she has left me. Is it supposed to feel like this? Reading my posts from today, am I actually doing this right, half right, no where close?

CT, your doing fine, it takes a little bit of time to stop sounding like your reading from a script and apply to the rules to words that sound natural for you. The trick is to sound indifferent, not like your saying words that someone is whispering in your ear.. It's not easy, and that's why many times saying less is more.

I think your doing well in providing info, even quoting the rule your following, it helps remember the guidelines (it shows the writer in you)... Just keep posting, things will come up that you will get advice on, but a lot of people don't respond when your doing the right thing.

[CT1118]

"Just keep posting, things will come up that you will get advice on, but a lot of people don't respond when your doing the right thing. " - Coconut

Thank you Coconut, that meant a lot. I am sure most here can relate when I say it's hard to know what the right thing is these days. All I know is I am doing something different. FWIW, this morning she called me (I have not initiated 1st contact since this whole thing began unless it was about S4, yet she calls me everyday)and I followed #15 again as well as Wonka's validation techniques. I listened to her, threw in some "I understand"'s & "wow, you sound like you are on the right path" then I ended the convo before she wanted to. I got the are you sure you're ok again. Stay on target CT1118!









I think the WW usually affairs "down".

[CT1118]

On a different note, I was reading Tofbrks story and Sandi2 - you answered something I had been wondering about for a while and did not want to ask it at risk of sounding egotistical, which I am not.

You told Tofbrks: "I think the WW usually affairs "down".

This was something I could not reconcile in my head. When I discovered the affair in Feb, it unfortunately took me reading her texts. After the shock of seeing her call him "baby" and sending him photos of sexy panties, I began to read his comments. They were dumb, stuff like talking about eating coco puffs with chocolate milk type of dumb. Also, The guy is 9 years young than her (make him 32), short, a redneck (something she always claimed to dislike) and he is already bald (no offense, but bald at 32 is not something most me want). He is overweight by a good margin. And he owns guns, which is something my wife has always been vehemently against. When my WW spoke of him she called him "entertainment" "a dumb kid" "someone I am using" "he means nothing". As she works with him (he is a subordinate employee by rank, not under her supervision)I have heard her say "he has no ambition" "he lacks the wherewithal to do his job" and "he has no capacity for planning".

That said I am tall, dark toned skin, in great physical shape, a full head of hair have 11 professional certifications, finishing a master's degree, was just inducted into an honor society for academic excellence, hold a director level position (WW does too), and have won multiple awards/bonuses enough times to call it regularl. I truly am not saying to in the interest of conceit, but rather to better understand, I can scarcely go places w/out someone commenting on my looks. My WW is the same way - all of the above - amazing looking, highly professional, well dressed at all times, has so many awards on her office wall you can't see the paint. My WW and I used to go to Miami regularly and people would literally stop us in the street or shout at us from cars about how great we looked together.

This can read like a very vain post, but that is not what I intended. I think when a lot of people separate it is common to wonder if AP looks better than they do -"what do they have that I don't" I understood a while back that this guy gave my WW the emotional support and recognition that I was not, but...

Anyway, your post Sandi2 made me think, if the WW usually afairs down, this seems like a control measure. Meaning the WW is better able to control both the AP (who realizes they struck gold and will ego stroke her as much as possible) and the LBS who is emotionally destroyed. At least it seems to me it does in my case. Before I knew about the A, my WW would often complain she did not feel like she was in control of her life. She would say that she liked to stay at work because she felt in control there. When I realized after A discovery how in control she was of AP (telling him when/where they could meet, text, etc.) it did not rationalize it, but made a small bit sense. And yes, I know it is not always about looks, it is about communication which I clearly sucked at with my WW before the S. This is not a source single attraction, just a piece of the story. I would love to hear thoughts on this.

[lfm]

Hey CT,

I belive my WW has affaired down as well. Her A partner is also someone from work, he's 6 years older, has major back problems, no money, and no real future for him. I myself am much like you, professional job, lots of awards and recognition over the years.

My wife at one point even said she is so conflicted because on the one hand she has a prince (referring to me) whith stability, a future, and the history we have together. On the othe hand she has a pauper (referring to OM) with no future, no money, no security, but she won't stop seeing him.

I also agree that the communication is a driving force in her keeping the A going. I've been listening to the things that she says about how her AP tells her exactly what he wants, is more confident in what he tells her and doesn't try to control her. All things I'm trying to work on. I defintely lost my confidence in communicating with her over the years.

I don't know if she'll ever come back to the MR, but definitely feel in myself that I'm finding that confidence again. I have a long ways to go, but making progress one day at a time.

[CT1118]

lfm -

Man, first off it felt good to see (wife has backtracked) at your signature - I hope it remains sir. For a place called DB, there sure seems to be a fair share of D here.

Irony in your answer to me. I too got the complaint that her roles as mother/spouse/job/HM controlled her. Here comes the irony, sounds like both our WW are in an A they feel in control of. Right? What they are not in control of is themselves. I've read enough psych and M pages/books/articles in the past 6 months to understand the A is an addiction. This explains why your WW can admit she has no future with her A and why mine told me she did, but lied about it - I was addicted to OXY for two years. I lied to myself, my friends, and my family about it the entire time. It was only once I realized the pain my absence had caused to my S4 and WW that I realized what I had done to myself. I had to get there on my own before I could rebuild.
If you have read my entire post, you will see that my main struggle is what to do so that my WW can understand she is approaching bottom.
And yes, you are correct sir, MR has a huge blinking ? on it, but my self confidence does not. I just want to be sure I don't backslide on it.

[CT1118]

Hey,

for what its worth, I just had my pulse checked...email that just said "smile for the day" with a picture of our S4. No reply from me yet. I will wait a while and it will be brief.

[MoveFrwd]

Hey,

for what its worth, I just had my pulse checked...email that just said "smile for the day" with a picture of our S4. No reply from me yet. I will wait a while and it will be brief.

Why do you need to reply at all?