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#2691526 07/20/16 06:00 AM
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Here is my old post for reference:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691231&page=1

Knowing we have been separated for 5 months. Knowing that she told me she had stopped the affair, but wished to "remain in her own space to figure things out". Knowing that I found out 2 weeks ago the affair continues and she had been lying to me. Knowing that my plan was to keep reading the books, keep doing the 180, keep DB'ing and changing my approach. Knowing that I am not holding up well psychologically to pretending I am still in the dark.

This is my direct question: What is a good course for me to follow? Should I tell her I know about the affair still and am not willing to tolerate the lies - she will deny, angry, lie all over again. Or do I keep GAL with this knowledge and hope for the best (I don't like this option much, but I feel like from the reading that this is what it indicates).

Beat me up, ask me questions, whatever, I want to tell her I know, and I want to do so in a way that also tells her I am still open to the marriage, but it can't happen with him around...and this will be the second time I've had to say that.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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I won't tell you what you should do about the A. I will just say that the last time you confronted her she moved out. Since she has lied. Will a second confrontation change anything for the better? I will let others advise here.

However what you have to do for YOU is the same regardless of her. The work and actions are the same. Yes GAL, yes continue 180s. Yes continue reading self help books.Yes continue to improve. You will like yourself better and so maybe eventually she will too.

First up you need to stop this eating you up. Easy to say. Hard to do. The internet is full of helpful resources on cbt and mindfulness that could help. But apart from confronting what else does this knowledge encourage you to do? I imagine you want less interaction would be a normal reaction. You can do that without a big declaration or confrontation.

If you have to ( and you don't..... it is a choice) I would not state you are still willing to work on M. Simply state you are aware that A is still active and that you don't appreciate this. Then back off completely.Dont try to control and don't pursue. Back off and focus on what you have to do anyway.

Do something new and fun this weekend. Let us know what you choose.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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It would be helpful if you stuck to one thread until you have 100 posts. Also, if you will answer our questions, that would help us know how to advise you.

Quote:
This is my direct question: What is a good course for me to follow? Should I tell her I know about the affair still and am not willing to tolerate the lies - she will deny, angry, lie all over again. Or do I keep GAL with this knowledge and hope for the best (I don't like this option much, but I feel like from the reading that this is what it indicates).


This seems to be the nail that has you hung up, so I will try to answer.....as long as you understand we have been given very little information.

If it bugs you so much that she doesn't know that you are aware of the affair......then tell her!! Just be aware that it will not solve one little thing! She is not going to end her affair just b/c you know about it. If an affair is a deal breaker, then tell her you will not be in an open M. But if you tell her, then you better be able to back it up. You basically remove yourself from her life, until she decides she wants to be honest with you and to work on the M (not some lame excuse of working on herself). Working on herself is a smoke screen for "continuing my affair".

You have to think.....if you are not willing to tolerate her lies and infidelity, then what can you do about it? The two of you are separated and living in two separate houses, right? Okay, then stop having conversations with her. Don't have back & forth texting, etc. Stop visiting with her and taking her out. Stop doing things together as "a family". That action shows her that you want no part of her life if she's going to be in an affair and/or lie to you.

You don't like the option of GAL and hoping for the best? Then don't. What else do you purpose? How can you move forward? Will it take divorce? Tell us what it is you want. I can tell you this much, whatever you decide....you had better include GAL, if you ever want to improve your life and move forward.

Quote:
I want to tell her I know, and I want to do so in a way that also tells her I am still open to the marriage, but it can't happen with him around...and this will be the second time I've had to say that.


You can't have it both ways. Do not tell her you want to still be open to M. Your words mean nothing to her. Only your actions will be noticed. And, let me tell you something about a WW......you cannot tell her things like you are still open to the M. It doesn't work that way. She has to think she is losing you. If she believes you will hang around while she continues her affair....she will not respect you and she will not desire you. You have to be unavailable to her while she's in an affair.

Have you finished reading your book?

Have you read the homework Cadet gave you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Roist,

This was a very valuable and gracious gift you just gave me. Thank you. If I decide to acknowledge this with her, I will take your short and sweet advice.

I would like to hear others comment on what you said as I find it profound, to quote you:

"I won't tell you what you should do about the A. I will just say that the last time you confronted her she moved out. Since she has lied. Will a second confrontation change anything for the better? I will let others advise here."


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: Jul 2016
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Sandi,

Thank you. I responded to Roist and then jumped over to your Sandi's reflections post and read the whole thing. That was discovered when doing Cadet's homework. I apologize for starting a new thread - I did not think I was by including the link, which I thought I had seen others do.

To answer your questions hopefully: My hang up was that when reading the DB book, I did not feel or see how it really applied to the separated/continuing affair/lying scenario I am in. I was feeling confused which lead me here. When I read your reflections, I felt less confused. While I had many of the 180 things in play, I had not done anything of consequence to her. I did not because we have a 4 year old. I thought that family days would be best for him. I thought going out with her would be best for us. It only occured to me a few days ago, and more immediately today, that this is not the case for any party. I have not and will not stop GAL, my post was misleading due to my confusion.
I do very much hope for the best and I am continuing to improve myself, which she is noticing. I think though that since she is noticing I have become impatient about her affair. I also recall rule number 32, but that I am clearly forgetting rule number 33. I am still confused as to the signs of improvement, but realize the open expression of reconciling and ending the affair on her part may be the only one to look for. Your opinion, everyone's opinion here matters to me and I thank you greatly. Please let me know if I have understood you correctly.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: Jul 2016
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Damn. I'm in an open marriage. I never said it out loud. I never thought of it like that until I just read it.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
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Originally Posted By: CT1118
Damn. I'm in an open marriage. I never said it out loud. I never thought of it like that until I just read it.


$ucks don't it? Me too. That's why boundaries, and most importantly their enforcement, are essential. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how easy it is, because I'm taking baby steps. What I CAN tell you is when I've been able to show consequences for her stepping over those boundaries, there have been positive results.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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Sandi,

Re-reading your post to be sure I answer all the questions.

No, I have not finished the DB in entirety. I have read chapters 4-9 and am going back to 1-3 and 10.

Yes, I have ordered Divorce Remedy and it should arrive today.

Yes, I have worked my way through Cadets homework and will now go back to make sure I have covered all of it tonight since you asked and I want to be sure.

No, I do not believe divorce is the answer or the consequence I desire. Yes, I believe what you wrote about a WW in your two large posts which were part of the homework. I admit confusion to some aspects and I admit to asking the wrong questions earlier - I put the cart before the horse it seems. As I found this site and these books this deep into my sitch, I am unclear about how to impress consequence without such an action as telling her I know she is still lying vs keeping the 180's moving forward and following the contact rules contained therein. The 180's remain the consequence I suppose.

I believe both of you so far in that telling her will not make a difference to her and that she will continue the affair regardless.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 604
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CT1118 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: RSG
Originally Posted By: CT1118
Damn. I'm in an open marriage. I never said it out loud. I never thought of it like that until I just read it.


$ucks don't it? Me too. That's why boundaries, and most importantly their enforcement, are essential. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how easy it is, because I'm taking baby steps. What I CAN tell you is when I've been able to show consequences for her stepping over those boundaries, there have been positive results.

Please share some examples.



"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
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When W left, she treated me poorly and talked down to me. Since I have stood up for myself, she has toned down her speech and treats me with greater respect than she has in months. By standing up for myself I don't mean anger (which I've been guilty of) but responding to something ugly by saying "I don't appreciate being talked to that way" and if it continues be prepared to say something like I need to go I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Take charge of things. I used to say "whatever's good for you" and let her make most of the choices. Now, I take charge and give her minimal options. This shows you're not just trying to make her happy, you're the decision maker.

If she asks you to do something, don't always say yes. You're busy, you have things to do, you don't feel like it. She's not your W, so you don't have to go over the top making her feel good. She can do things herself, it's what she wanted, right!? I'm getting better about this, it makes them think you're scarce. They want what is more difficult to get through to. Always there? No worries. Why won't he answer? Why won't he help? What's he doing? He was never like this before? It's gets em thinking....


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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