Third time's a charm, I hope.

[bodhi]

That is definitely the thing I fear, that I am the back up plan. Plan B. I'm trying to come to terms with if I'm comfortable with that being the case. On one hand, our relationship was pretty toxic and he is right that being separated is the best thing for us. It's the way he words it that brings out my anxiety.

I also do see his validity though. He is naive. He has never dated anyone aside from me. He has only slept with one other woman, one time. He also doesn't receive a lot of female attention.

I on the other hand have experience under my belt. I had a couple of boyfriends before him, none long term but I've also slept with people other than him. No way to humbly say this, but I've always received a lot of male attention, even during our marriage. I know that I could have most anyone that I wanted, and despite that chose him. To be frank, logistically I have many, many better options than my husband. But he is the one who has my heart, and I'm confident in my love for him.

I'm not defending him necessarily because I feel like despite my flaws I have been a fantastic wife and I AM ENOUGH. I'm only trying to see it from his point of view. Maybe I am giving him too much credit, though. I'm not sure.

Part of me wants to tell him that it is over, that I do not want a separation, that being plan B is not enough of a reason for me to wait for him. I will say that I am not worried about dignity or pride. At the end of the day I am plan B and he decides he does want a divorce, I will not let that make me feel foolish.

At the end of the day, it's my decision and only I can make it, but I'm curious to see an outside perspective. In my shoes, would you personally wait or walk?

[bodhi]

I guess one thing that makes me feel like waiting is the right decision is because, aren't we all kind of "Plan B" here anyways if reconciliation happens with a WAS? Unless of course your WAS is separating with only the intention of working on the marriage, but I see more stories on here of the spouse intending for divorce or having an A.

Otherwise, everyone's spouse here leaves because they think the grass will be greener, their Plan A. If they realize Plan A isn't working out like they imagined, and realize that they want to work on the M, isn't that technically Plan B anyways?

Maybe I'm grasping a little for hope.

[ForGump]

Sorry if this sounds flippant but you're 24, attractive, and have no kids involved, and your H wants to walk away and/or use you as plan B ... if it was me, I'd walk.

Different if there are kids involved.

[bodhi]

I toss that thought around in my mind a lot. I'm 24, a good looking woman who takes care of herself, am at the start of a successful career in finance. When I moved out at age 18 I was making $64 a week and made it work. Now I'm making almost 10 times that after only 6 years, if that tells you anything about my motivation. I own my own house, have a nice car, am fiercely loyal (to a fault), I like to think I am pretty intelligent, and I am kind, thoughtful and generous.

I hate to talk down about my H, but he is 27, has trouble holding jobs, is not great with personal hygiene or self-care, does not have a lot of ambition (I have outright been called a snob and materialistic for wanting a nicer house someday), and most importantly does not seem to care about me. He one time ("jokingly," he said) told someone that it was too bad he didn't wind up with a former classmate who had a crush on him in middle school because she wound up being a model. He is a habitual liar, not only to me but everyone. Even about stupid little things. If he doesn't feel like seeing someone when invited out he'll lie about having to do something else. Wants to end a phone call? He'll tell them he's about to sit down for dinner when I haven't even started cooking. Up until he quit his job, he was bringing home more money than me and still, I had to pay ALL of the bills. At his best he was contributing half, and only months later when I begged for his share.

I'd like to say he has redeeming qualities, but they all center around me enjoying spending time with him...which in an argument he has told me he does not enjoy doing. Whether or not that was true, I'll never know.

Of course, I have flaws and faults too. The important thing is I'm working on identifying and improving them though.

[ForGump]

Bodhi (good name choice, by the way) --

I'm not a knee-jerk fan of therapy, and good therapists are really hard to find IMO, and I don't think therapists provide some magic bullet solution, but in your case I think having some good, hard, constructive, insightful conversations with a therapist about why the heck someone like you is so damn in love with someone like you H ... might help you sort out your feelings, and give you support for making the right decision.

You're lucky that you're young and do not have any kids involved. It gets hell of a lot harder when there are kids involved.

[ForGump]

p.s. I'm sorry if I appear to devalue your suffering, with my comment about youth and kids. I realize it's very painful for many of us here, and each of us suffer in unique ways.

[bodhi]

No offense taken! I understand what you mean, and you're not the first or even the first hundredth to tell me so. I have gone through some therapy and plan on returning when my life calms down a little bit, but I do have it pretty well figured out in my head.

Basically it boils down that 18 year old me didn't really see any red flags, or the ones I do I shrugged off and chalked up to typical 21 year old guy behavior. As time went by and we spent more time together, I fell in love hard and fast. When he asked me to marry him, I knew his flaws and figured naturally as we got older, we would both grow up. Because yano, that's what people usually do! And I do truly love him, so over time while I have grown more bitter and intolerant, the loves been pretty unwavering. Add in an unhealthy dose of codependency on my end, and that hits the nail on the head of the when, where and why of my situation.

Today I'm at the point of being ready to throw in the towel and wanting to tell him so. I'm sick of being with someone who doesn't even care enough to respond to a cordial text. I think it's completely unfair that we've come to the conclusion of taking a separation now, but not discussing any details of it. I asked a simple yes or no question, can we be in limited contact during this?

Obviously the silence gave me my answer, but it makes his intentions and motives seem anything but sincere, and makes me feel like this is nefarious. For pete's sake, I gave him the option of saying no even!