Guys I thank you all for rallying in with your support.
H denies an affair. He even denies texting another girl (even though I snooped and have seen, and I've also seen him sat messaging ALL.DAY.LONG in front of me, seriously like 10 mins in a day don't pass without them texting. It's almost as nauseating as early pregnancy!!).
He rolls in at the early hours again. And the anger in me just wants to highlight what an almighty jerk he is. But what's the use, he's so deep in the fog, he has absolutely no problem lying to anyone.
Sotto, I don't know why I fear loosing him. I guess part of me is still clinging on to this deep love we had, which now he's re-writing history he claims he didn't have. And part of me worries for my children and myself doing it alone. I have to wonder what my children when grown up will think of the father that walked out on their pregnant mom though.
So I guess my plan now needs to be life without him. And make him feel the loss from me. I'm not too sure how I can do this while still following db principles and not be cold or angry. The pain is just so raw, and I'm struggling with bad sickness to even look after myself, let alone my toddler too.
I think this jerk off has the illusion he can do as he pleases but still have this family environment he can fall back on. Like how he told me he will move out and come over for meals- that is not happening.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
So I guess my plan now needs to be life without him.
(Absolutely....at least for now)
And make him feel the loss from me.
(Remember you're not trying to 'make him feel' anything - only to do the best thing for you and your family in view of his behaviour.
I'm not too sure how I can do this while still following db principles and not be cold or angry.
(I think that's your fear again - try to stop worrying about how you may come across to him)
The pain is just so raw, and I'm struggling with bad sickness to even look after myself, let alone my toddler too.
(I can understand this and it must be so tough for you. So - if you aren't worrying about him, what is the right thing for you to do right now to best care for yourself?)
I think this jerk off has the illusion he can do as he pleases but still have this family environment he can fall back on. Like how he told me he will move out and come over for meals- that is not happening.
(Remember that you will only be treated in the in the way that you allow. So, if you ML to him - yes he will cake eat, text his friend all day and ML to you at night. However, if that doesn't work for you, you can let him know....if you can lose the fear of losing him. If you think about it Cherry, he's texting his friend in front of you, whilst you're laid low with morning sickness carrying his child. then he's telling his Mum he doesn't want to be in the M any more, then telling you he wants to ML, but doesn't want to confuse you....really, losing this behaviour in your life is going to be a great relief I think.)
JMHO of course and I hope this helps a little xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me again Sweetie, then I'll stop bugging you I promise...
If you think about it, I don't think you are doing your sitch any favours. He has already had a PA and you have been willing to give things another go. Then he's having inappropriate contact with an OP and you are still there, hoping for reconciliation. And he still seems to think - well, I know she would want to ML to me, but I don't want to confuse her as I think I actually want a D at this point. I can see why he might think - well I can pretty much carry on having contact with other women and Cherry (and the family life) will still be there for me.
So, I guess my question would be - how does he come to fear the potential loss of Cherry. What is it that makes him worry - oh I've gone too far now?
If you are uncertainly hovering, hoping he will turn back to the M and not really setting strong boundaries on his behaviour. How is he going to know it is intolerable to you and that he may actually lose you and his family? (Please don't think in terms of you losing him - this is really about him potentially losing you - as you are the prize here...)
(((((Hugs))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I told him the other day when he said about ml and it being something sacred that's just between the two of us. I guess the fear again had me believing he will go elsewhere for this. I know I need to loose this fear. I told him I want to ML with someone who respects me and does it because he loves me as his wife. I guess this is the first boundary I put in place.
I am absolutely going to put me first, a long with toddler and bump. This stress, especially in pregnancy is no good. He is incapable of looking or even wanting to look after me. So I need to do whatever I can to keep myself healthy, and put my focus into enjoying my toddler and my pregnancy.
Yes he has said many a time he doesn't want to confuse me, but I think this is just his confusion. I need to find a way in my mind to step away from him and his chaos. And let him deal with his own bullsh*t, I don't need it. I don't have time for it. If I'd of seen this behaviour when we were dating, it would have been a "bye felicia" moment.
I'll have a pamper today, I'll do my best to make myself feel good.
And grl, to answer what you said before, my company knows about the pregnancy, I needed some time off for sickness so needed to let them know as I have many rights to protect me if time off etc is needed due to pregnancy. My plan is to let people know once I've had my first scan in 5/6 weeks. I'm praying all goes well and then I can tell anyone. And get working on that new maternity wardrobe. I will be the chicest preggo! And yes, I highlyyyy doubt she does know I'm pregnant but knowing this immature skank- it'll have no effect. The fact she finds and condones a man who can up and leave his family with a toddler gives insight to how much of a loose little skank she is. A single little 20 year old giving advise on m and families is actually laughable. And if I say so myself, this skank doesn't hold a candle to me! But in the great words of cee-lo green "f**k you and f**k her too".
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Okay, so bad dbing, but I guess I couldn't hold my anger. I kept calm, but when I saw him and he asked what was up, I had to tell him that I had my suspicions- it just came out. He swears he's being honest and there's no one else (he doesn't know I've seen the texts). It was a little outburst, I perhaps shouldn't have done it. But he knows when I talk to him in a firm but calm voice that I mean business. I told him I won't be disrespected and I won't be made a mockery of.
Although I possibly shouldn't have done this. I did. I needed to lay that out to him and then concentrate on being my fabulous self.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Yes, here is where I fully agree with Zephyr and I don't think you should question yourself here. It's perfectly reasonable for you to lay down a firm boundary here. In fact you could have gone further and told him that you have seen his texts to OP. Then of course he would say - oh that's nothing and you are just being paranoid and so on....but there we are.
So, please remember - self-respect and self-protect. He would be the lucky one if you were willing to give him a second chance here.... x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think you did just fine. You set a boundary and made it clear you will not stand for disrespect and you did it in a controlled, cool manner.You got this.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
He would be lucky to have me.. I don't know how many people, both male and female tell him that. Lots of guys at work ask tell him they think I'm stunning and how did he get me, maybe he has some resentment towards me for that..
You're all right. I guess I've tried not to loose my cool with him. Last week for the first time in my life I shouted and swore at him. I've never done that. He must know now he's taking the p**s.
I got ready to take toddler out, he asked to come with us. I agreed. No r talk, not much talk in general. But nor was I rude.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, I've briefly followed you sitch. If it's any consolation my stepdad and my mom reconciled after he had an affair while my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother. So it can be done.
I learned a lot from him on being a husband and father. I just did the opposite.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Thanks RDS. I guess it is possible, he's gone before and come back. But this is like the 3rd/4th time he's checked out and returned. He hasn't had an a all those times. But still. Like the others say, I guess this time I need to get the message across that I will not live my life like this with him checking in and out. Saying he doesn't love me then he does. He needs to face these issues that he has deep inside that is making him behave this way. And while I'm all supporting, there's a time when he is full on taking the rip.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I guess this time I need to get the message across that I will not live my life like this with him checking in and out.
You need to get that message across to yourself. If you do that you'll be ok whether he ever really gets the message or not.
Hang in. Say the word and I'll ensnare him with a magical ring that will yield him legendary success for a time, then gradually turn him into a wraith that forever walks the night under the power of darkness...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Cherry. Just be you. That's all you need to be. All LBS's get their own fog. You need to exit it and be the much more confident and sassy person you were. He will see you only then. I wish you all the best love.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Cherry, Your H is gaslighting you. He's trying to make it seem that you're the one who's trying to put the blame on him....
He may not have a PA with skank but to me, telling such intimate details to the skank qualifies at the very least for an EA. He needs to have walls around inappropriate relationships with other skanks, and he needs to have a window/ door between you and him. Not the other way round.
Right now, he's still in a fog, so there's no point trying to make him see otherwise. I am a firm believer that you can only convert the converted, or those who wish to be converted.
I agree with the rest that there is nothing wrong with setting a firm boundary. He is not getting any MLing from if he's flirting with others and he's not sure if he wants to be in the R.
Having said that, Cherry, please do not start getting pissy at him. I am not saying that you will, but please continue treating him in a kind and loving way.
And dearie, of course skank has got nothing on you! Hold this thought and use this to boost your PMA and confidence. You are gorgeous, sassy and a great mama. And you are tough as nails! Plus, you've got morals.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Yeah you are right. He is trying to gaslight me. But isn't this typical fog behaviour, thinking everyone is out to get them and how no one possibly understands them.
I am trying hard to remain upbeat and friendly with him. This isn't much point in staying angry and pissy at him. I said my point, I laid some boundaries.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Godwilling, good. Been in to the maternity hosp today for some bloods. The early days are always the worst. And I avoid telling people until that 12 week scan. This time round I find myself worried about baby as my health and wellbeing has kinda been in the back of my mind- now it's at the front. I text h to tell him my dr sent me to hosp for the vomitting, dr was worried I would be dehydrated- I'm not do everything in throwing down and back up- my body is using so that's good. H didn't message back, I kinda expected it but thought as it was to do with baby, I should tell him. That hasn't bothered me, as I had no expectation.
Being there was kinda bittersweet, on the one hand I was really excited, seeing all these babies and thinking I'm growing life and I'll have another has me really happy. But then there's all the reminders of him and us there with our first.
I didn't say that last night, I woke a few times in the night to see him watching me sleep. At one point I woke cause he had his hand on my face, like brushing my hair out of my eyes. So strange. So very strange
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Today has been a better day. I've forced myself not to dwell on h drama. Or even other think his strange behaviours and the night face stroking etc.
The drs have given me some antisickness meds which are safe in pregnancy. This has helped me get some food down without bringing it back up which is great.
He came home and asked how I had got on straight away. We ate and came up to bed. He slightly spoke, but looked physically exhausted. I wasn't ott, but I was upbeat and friendly.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Went for a early scan today because of sickness. Saw a little heartbeat fluttering away. So that puts my mind at ease. Everyone in the waiting room was sat excited with their partners.
That did hurt, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. But I can do that. Seems real that there's a baby in there now. I need to protect and nurture.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I have been keeping up quietly as you have great support and feedback from many here.
I felt the need to pop in as I was guilty of avoiding much during the pregnancy of my WAW with our second child and reading of your loneliness this morning triggered sadness in that I did so.
You are doing very well in the face of a very difficult and unfortunate situation and you will come out on the other side for the better.
(((((Cherry)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
It's hard, not going to lie. Plus the strange behaviour (face stroking in the night) does make me confused. Trying not to read into it, but it's strange.
Seeing that baby was so special though. Did make me happy
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Odd behavior indeed. Acknowledge that it befuddles you, but do let it pass and do not dwell on it. It provides nothing of value for you.
Do hang on to the feeling and good emotions of seeing the babe and hearing the little pitter patter of that precious heart. This provides a value of a priceless type for you. (((Cherry)))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Your right, it doesn't provide value. All it does is make me think and confuse me.
Yeah that's what is keeping me going. God has blessed me, now I shall prepare to welcome another child in my life. He is loosing out essentially on all these lovely scans. Being a mother is all I have ever wanted to do so I am so so excited and blessed. My focus is on my babies
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I am lurking but may not be able to post so much as I am fighting fire with kid's work and tests. Rather annoyed that the parents are supposed to do all the preparatory work with the kids.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hey grl. Thanks for the drive by, hope all goes well.
H finished work early due to an evacuation (he didn't know I know). A friend overtook his car about 10 mins away from home.
He came home three hours after this time- I thought I'd play dumb. I asked him had he worked late. He said he had an that he was going straight back out. He didn't ask how the hospital went. But I'm fuming. I know I should let it wash but I'm just too stressed out.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, I'm sorry to hear this. It's always horrible to know you are being or have been lied to. It always used to give me that horrible sickly, draggy feeling in my stomach....ugh...I don't miss that for sure!
Now then, so you know that right now he is lying and probably doing stuff he doesn't want you to know about, which may involve OP in whatever way. Okay, that's not great - but it is where he is at right now. (((Hugs)))
Let's remember that you truly don't get to control the (currently poor) choices he makes, only how you respond. It is always up to you what you do - whether you choose to 'call' him on this, whether you choose to share a bed with him, live with him and so on. Every day it is always your choice what you do - whether you DB and choose to act 'as if.'
But I think the priority just now is to try and take the focus right off him. From what you post, he has little positive to offer you just now - yet you are still testing him and looking for things - only to be disappointed and hurt. Could you let him be for now and maintain a suitable boundary for you to feel emotionally safe do you think?
I'm not too worried about him just now and let's leave him to toss around in the wind, whilst we look after little one, baby and you. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks sotto, I feel I've been starting to make progress. But I got so angry, I guess this is me still having expectations of him. And maybe I'm reading into his strange behaviour towards me.
But you are so right, I need to just leave him be. I need to get to that place
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I think it's time to separate sleeping quarters. I would not be comfortable with WH sleeping the same bed with me while communicating with OW and would not stand for that disrespect. I would calmly inform him I am aware he is not being honest (and do NOT tell him any details or the source of your intel) and tell him you need your space. It's time he stop eating cake. Please protect yourself and your babies. I got so stressed out during my pregnancy while WH was in R with OW that I was admitted to the CCU and now have permanent stress induced damage to my heart. I will require an ablation in the near future. I wish I had discovered Dbing sooner and had detached faster as it may have saved physical heart damage.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks sara, I think you're right. It would be time to put him in another room.
While snooping (oops) I noticed in his deleted pics, was all of our wedding pics. I'm not going to lie, it did hurt. But I tried doing some mindfulness of the situation. I acknowledged that yes, I was hurt, angry and upset. I let myself feel it, then tried to leap my brain into thinking about something else, rather than mull over all the extra thoughts that come alongside the discovery.
Yes I was hurt, but he doesn't care. And nor would he if I pointed this out. I guess it's all relative to his "I feel getting married was a mistake". When he threw that in my face I pointed out I was no ones mistake, and not to ever disrespect me and say that again.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I think you need to stop looking into H's phone. You know he's involved (to a certain extent) with skank and he's lying. He is acting wayward and confused. Is there any reason why you would want to put yourself through the heartache of additional info?
Intel helps to further your cause but further snooping only tears you apart. For now, you have to treat him as wayward unless he proves himself otherwise.
Save yourself the heartache, dear friend.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
If it's of any comfort to you, your WH sounds like there's enough human in him to feel the horror and shame of what he did to you. I don't know when and he may not tell you, but I just feel that when he gets his head back from the body snatchers and he grows up (and I hope he does both), the shame and guilt will eat him up.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Grl, you are right. On the times I've lost it and told him he would regret walking out on me he's answered "yeah you're probably right but maybe then I'll learn". And maybe then it will be too late *rolls eyes*
I have a day off work today, so took my exhausted ass out to get my eyebrows threaded. Makes me feel a tad more human. Got a few projects to be working on too l so concentrating on that. After seeing my little pea of a baby yesterday, it hit me. Although tiny, this little person has a heartbeat. It's incredible. And my job is to try and protect this baby and my other baby and be their lighthouse and shower with love. I can't control h's behaviour towards me, or anyone else. And he's quite frankly a ticking time bomb. Toddler is old enough now to sense when something isn't right, which means he's ultra clingy towards me and mil. So we are giving plenty of love and keeping things normal as possible for him.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Barely saw h yesterday. When I did, he uttered few words.
Now the nausea is a bit more in control, I can do a bit more with my day other than hug a toilet. Thinking of going on a shopping trip for treats. Might look for some more killer flats. As much as I love my loubies- heels are not a great idea for a pregnant mami!
Toddler is playing up at the moment, wether he senses all is not well or he is under the weather I can't tell. All I know is it's hard work and I'm tearing my hair out!
Feeling a bit more like I have a plan in mind. And with that I mainly mean focusing on myself and just leaving him to it- like I'm stepping back and watching from a distance. Last time, everything crumbled down in h's little world. A r based on lies and deceit is pretty much l doomed to start with.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Some loubie follies strass I think for a touch of sparkle I think.
Perhaps that's it, maybe kids also have a second sense about these things.
I think we could upgrade or downgrade him to a teenager. It certainly feels that way! I do hate the anxiety that comes in waves. Ordinarily I'd get up and do something. But currently feeling very nauseas and dizzy so snuggled up with toddler and watching nemo. Not the best parenting but hey we all have these days. I know the anxiety should subside the more detached I become. But I need to get me to that place and I feel quite a way away from that yet!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sometimes he just seems to want to prod at r talks. We eat I come up, he follows me up. I watch some tv, he half watches. He then asks have I sorted ic appointment for him. I said no, I wasn't aware he wanted one (I bit my tongue from asking if he wants a d from me, why on earth would I run round doing things for him. ) he then asked why was he going to see one and how would that affect "our situation ". I said that's for him to decide- he told me last week that he feels he suffers with mental health issues and struggles with urges to self harm.
Incidentally, his LL is acts of service. But then he surely can't have that from me AND want a d from me?! Is this cake eating, or should I do things for him knowing it's his LL.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cake eating with a side of man baby. I did make my WH's IC appointment after he specifically asked me to do it with our (possible) future MC. However, if he were still in the A I would have refused. Your WH needs to actively do these things himself. For your detachment and mental well bring you need to focus only on you and the kids.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Just catching up and a quick drive by, Miss Cherry!
So wonderful to hear about the tiny little heartbeat you saw.
I have no such kind words for your WH. He is a fool.
((((((((((Cherry))))))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Cherry, I am going to differ slightly from Sexy Sara.
Since your WH has confided in you that he may be having mental ( did he say he is depressed?), I thought you could perhaps do him a favour and make him an appointment. But then that's it. Ecerything else is up to him.
Good job on biting back your tongue when you realised the discrepancy in his reality and yours.
I don't know if we should treat your H as having sort of a MLC? It seems that we're more inclined to treat MLC spouses more kindly? But I am not a vet, not well- versed in MLC.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
No he didn't say depressed- he just said "mental health issues" but he did not want to talk about these with me.
I am getting better at the tongue biting these days, I try and think if I say something, what impact will it have, will it help me- or will it come across as nagging/pouting. Quite often the answer is it will not help- so stfu.
He's a confusing case, he's only young so not sure about the midlife crisis, but then I guess there isn't really an age range on it. He was always such a strong gentleman, he had good morals, and so never did the whole messing around with girls thing. Now it seems his new group of friends are all young guys with no particular responsibilities. Sometimes I think maybe he feels he has missed out on this, and has a young child and another on the way to worry about providing for.
Nice sunny day today, thought I'd make the most of it. Got up and got a good morning workout in once the morning sickness subsided. As part of my goals for self, I would like to continue to exercise while pregnant. Last pregnancy, although I was just all bump. I didn't feel good about myself. And as much as anyone else told me I looked good, I wouldn't believe them. I had hyperemsis last pregnancy too which resulted in me basically housebound for dizziness. And my ob wouldn't let me work- this resulted in me getting depression which wasn't diagnosed until baby was 8 months old. I'm determined for that not to happen this time. So I think the exercise will help, and forcing myself to get up and put regardless of feeling like sh*t.
I'd love to embrace these changes and walk around glowing
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Also last night while talking. H swears on his life that there is no one else, and he isn't cheating. This is one of the conversations that I just don't know what to say, aside from "okay"
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I took some time to read up on your sitch... Your H is really something else. If nothing else, he's allowing you the opportunity to show yourself what your truly made of... grit? perhaps?
I almost see your H's actions as that of a very conflicted person, he does one thing, says one thing, then feels guilt and remorse at the same time (kind words, hair stroking, etc)... and then lies about it all... Or maybe he's just that bad of a person that he doesn't realize he's doing anything wrong... either way, you're actions show that of a very strong woman.
I know what you mean on the OW conversation... After I confronted my W of EA/OM, she lied, screamed, yelled, etc... the whole deal, which was expected. It came up a couple times since then that SHE will never be able to trust ME again (granted, I had no affair, or ever anything close to it), and I would mention softly, "you can't trust me? are you still talking to OM?" and she would lie right to my face. I'd go inside, log into our phone bill and say "isn't this his number" and it would turn into a "YOU DONT KNOW SH1T BLAH BLAH BLAH"... the next time it'd come up, she'd lie again, and again... it just baffles me the mindset of someone in WAS fog... I don't bring it up at all, and it only comes up if she says something about it, and I just nod and say "okay"... just like you.
Anyways, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's a horrible thing, and I wish the best to you. Stay strong, Cherry.
Yep, he really is something else. It seems as though he has a personality disorder. I do try my best not to overthink his strange behaviour, as he would spew and then like you say- he feels the guilt and wants to do something nice for me, or go out with me and toddler.
Literally the day before he dropped the d word, he had told me that he didn't want to call quits on the relationship as he knew and loved me and didn't want to leave me. Then it's like naaaa forget it- I think I want a d. I'd tear my hair out, but it's took years to grow this lovely long hair!
Jekyl came home tonight. I asked him one question, he grunted at me. So I decided to leave it at that, took toddler up to get ready for bed. H came in my room- got changed and went out without saying a word. I shall have a pamper tonight, my skin is calling out for a facemask.
Got a day of gal with my best girlfriend tomorrow. I hate to say this, as being a mamma gives you the biggest guilt, but I felt like I needed a date with my girl on my own and get away from everyone and everything for a few hours.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Literally the day before he dropped the d word, he had told me that he didn't want to call quits on the relationship as he knew and loved me and didn't want to leave me.
The last conversation I had with my W before I got my papers was the night before I received them. She said "I don't not want to get a divorce. All I want is to be with you for the rest of my life and start a happy family with the man I love"... The next day, I got served. It was at that point when I realized I can't believe a GD word she says.
She came to the house that night (she'd been living with parents), just to "say hi" and "see how I was doing"... I said "oh, well hi, I don't have much to say to you right now", and she left without saying much more... I didn't talk to her for over a week. When we did finally talk again (she'd called/texted several times that went ignored by me) ...she gave me some long spiel about how "there is a reason for a 60 day hold on divorces, it's to allow couples time to really decide if they want to get a D. So we have 60 days to fix this or we get divorced."
By the time that talk happened, my tone had changed, and she was surprised to hear me say, "I'm not interested in stopping the divorce, I hope you find what you're looking for"...
I have a feeling our H and W are thinking about the same. They don't know what the h3ll they want, but they are trying everything they can think of to figure it out. EAs/PAs, filing, means of escape (my W started drinking heavily and smoking weed), they are just lost. They've lost themselves, they don't know who they are, or what they want... it's a shame... they will be missing out on two very great people if they don't get their sh1t together. (cherry)
That does sound very like him. I guess that's the importance of becoming detached because if we react to their every statement, we would send ourselves insane.
I really do think it's like an identity crisis. Like you say, they aren't sure of who they are or what they are doing. And I guess the best thing they think they can do for themselves is chuck us away.
The other day he even said to ignore the words he says and look at his actions. I'm kinda choosing to ignore both right now. Especially as today he has decided to give me the silent treatment again.
In a way, I'm kind of getting to the stage of calling his bluff and telling him to leave. I guess the fear of loosing him keeps me from doing this. Though I fear one day, it will get to that stage. And that will be the point he snaps out of it and realise what he stands to loose. He doesn't acknowledge my pregnancy at all, I have a feeling that is part of his freakout. But I guess that's mindreading.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I wonder what the reaction would be if you told him it's not his? That might stir things up a little bit? Up for some fun!? no no, jk.
Originally Posted By: Cherry
The other day he even said to ignore the words he says and look at his actions.
Oh, you mean the actions that he's still actively pursuing an A with someone else? yeah, those actions speak much more gently than the bullsh1t he's spewing out of his mouth. (Sorry, I'm kind of in a foul mood right now... forgive me?)
Originally Posted By: Cherry
I guess the fear of loosing him keeps me from doing this.
You love this man, that's why we married our spouses, regardless of their known/unknown flaws... but if this day ever becomes permanent, I hope you know in your heart that you're not the one who drew the short straw for the future... That's why we are putting in the work we are right now... to "know" that we are that "catch" that most people would dream of having, holding, for life... sure, we've made mistakes, but it's time to drop the past, focus the now, create superstars with who we our authentic selves are... hang in there Chry... You got this
Haha that certainly would stir up some reaction. With all the crazy he spews, I'm very surprised that hasn't come out.
Mm yeah those would be the actions *rolls eyes* and I forgive you- cuss away. I am just as bad.
Thank you, I appreciate anyone cheerleading for me and you are right. It's sad that there's a whole community of us putting such a hard graft in to save our r's. Good people, people who truly meant those vows when they said them. In trying my best to get by day by day at the moment. All I can do is prepare myself for the future, regardless of what happens , but there is absolutely no sense in me worrying about it.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I guess it's just saying that I feel I need to take some me time away from everyone including toddler, makes me feel like an awful mama. It's not like he's done anything wrong in all of this!
And yeah, his head is well and truly up his ass. And I'm getting at peace with the idea that there is only him that can remove it from there.
Looking forward to having a girly day. She's having a hard time with the man in her life- so it's a man free zone, and a treat day for us.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Remember what they say about plane crashes and oxygen masks? They tell the adult to first put on their mask before assisting the child with theirs. Because a person cannot adequately assist another when they are in acute distress. Your baby deserves the best mother, and that mother therefore deserves the best treatment. The only way to give her the best is if you make sure you are well cared for.
My biggest struggle with GAL is finding time outside of work, children and DBing my marriage. I need to take a page from your book and start carving out a few hours here and there to hang out with friends.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sadsara, it's tricky and for a while I haven't done it. I'm a carer for my mil, kids and work and running a home definitely keeps you busy. But I often find carving a few hours for me helps me balance, find perspective and rejuvenate me. But the guilt sometimes eats me up!
And grl, I do have a fair few shoes, it's bad really. But like my Chanel bags, they are collatera. Chanel is always vintage- so you I can always sell them. At least this is how I justify a purchase. In my defence, as a teenager, I always lusted after these things. And the only way I thought I could ever afford these is if I graft damn hard. So that's what I do. I guess my independence is something my h isn't too fond of, he's told me I don't need him for much. But I guess that's because when he first went off into the fog, I had got too codependent. I broke myself free of that when I realised I couldn't rely on him. Yet another of his strange conflicting opinions.
Today I got ready, I told him he was on baby sitting duty. He says "are you going out, where are you going". I never ask him where he is going. And given that he apparently wants a d, I don't understand why he is bothered as to where I'm going and what I'm doing
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Today I got ready, I told him he was on baby sitting duty. He says "are you going out, where are you going". I never ask him where he is going. And given that he apparently wants a d, I don't understand why he is bothered as to where I'm going and what I'm doing
So, what did you tell him? You know you can't expect the same behavior your show him to be replicated back to you, otherwise you wouldn't be on these forums, would ya? =P
I hope you have a wonderful pamper day for yourself. With two of you both having problems, I'd suggest to refrain from letting the day get ruined with constant bitch-sessions of how horrible men are (yes, I'm biased, haha). My dog is getting his pamper pedicure next up on my list (he gets it with a dremel tool and I sand them down. haha), hardly a "pamper"... he frickin' hates it lol.
Are you meaning that if I show him the same behaviour as he gives me I'm condoning that kinda behaviour? I just told him I was going out with a girlfriend. But maybe just saying "out" would have gotten him thinking.
Thank you. Nope, we didn't lay into men all day long! We just had a good girly day! Hey a pedi is a pedi!
Was a good day really, did plenty of shopping, lots of walking and food. I think it does do good just to step away for a little while. The happy couples doing some pda's does get the back of the bitter cherry up in me. But hey I guess that's jealousy for you. At some point we were the happy couple without a care in the world of our surroundings and who's watching
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Happy Sunday all. After a busy day yesterday, the fatigue has hit me like a truck today, I'm so sleepy! I really enjoyed yesterday. This is the girlfriend I went to Paris with. And she's so supportive, she doesn't use my sadness as an opportunity to bash my h and give me the "oh just walk away, you deserve better" like some well meaning friends. I know that a gal session with her needs to happen more often, it's nice to just have a good day of shopping and catching a coffee.
Today is very much the same with h. I try to keep steady with my behaviours and just treat him like he is just a house guest. But sometimes the mind can just wonder what the hell goes on in their minds. I came home last night and he was super chirpy with me. Today, cold as ice.
Despite feeling ultra tired, going to fit some exercise in. Maybe have a sort of my closet, and enjoy some time playing with toddler
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Glad that you have a supportive friend. Yup, most of our friends and family will tell us to go get someone better because a) they can't stand to see us in pain, b) it's what they think they would do or wish could do or c) they want us to stop complaining.
But Cherry, as a quote goes, don't listen to peopke who do not have to live your decisions (especially if they don't know anything about dbing). You will know when you're ready to make certain decisions.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Grl, you are totally right. And this is the very reason that I'm very careful on the select few that actually know what is going on in my life.
I like to pride myself on being quite strong minded, I've never been one who follows or submits to peer pressure.
But you are totally right, when I know what decision to make, I'll know. And right now, I'm still digging my heels in and standing for my marriage. And then whatever my decision, or whatever happens, I know I can whole heartedly say I absolutely tried my best. I think part of my decision is I just don't quite but it deep down. His actions often say otherwise than his spews. I know I cannot listen to his spews because they are often the ramblings of a crazy man. Such as his, "I'll get another place round the corner, and I can spend the days with the family, and have all our meals together, I'd just sleep elsewhere"
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Are you meaning that if I show him the same behaviour as he gives me I'm condoning that kinda behaviour? I just told him I was going out with a girlfriend. But maybe just saying "out" would have gotten him thinking.
No, Cherry. That's somewhat true, but not entirely what I meant by my comment. Sorry for my confusion. All I'm saying is that we are the ones on DB, we are the ones that have chosen to really put the work in and "carry the load" of fixing our M's (or ourselves).
All I mean was that your "better" actions towards him and the R, should never be expected to be replicated back to you. You're the DB'r here, not him... You're the one doing the right thing, and your WAS is never going to offer the same "right" actions back to you. Does that make any more sense at all? Sorry, I'm a little loopy today and going a bit stir crazy due to this leg injury that's had me couped up on the couch with ice bags all weekend.
"Going out for a bit" is good. "Going out with a friend" is good. "Going out with <friend's name>" is good. They are all fine, and you handled it well. I'm glad you had a good day out with your girlfriend, and you should NOT feel one bit guilty about "getting away" from your home life and little one. Everyone (especially us putting in the hard work), deserves time for themselves, no matter what you choose to do with it. I'd even recommend a "just 10 minutes" approach every day... no matter what it is, take at least 10 minutes of the day and do something that is only something that matters to you, regardless of the implications of others around (obviously, some expections apply haha)... As much as I hate my W's horrible spending habits, I'm glad you got to enjoy your day of shopping and hope you got a nice new pair of "flats" to enjoy slipping into
Ah yes, totally with you. And yeah you are right. You just think, why the hell do you care? When they ask.
Eek that sounds painful, what happened
Yeah, I went with oh I'm just seeing <friends name> and you are bang on the money with setting aside a little time for ourselves. And it does help me, like the whole oxygen mask thing. I can't be right for my child unless I'm stable in myself.
I did indeed, and I got some cute clothes for work which can hide my already starting to show stomach for a few more weeks. I'm a little frame, so the slightest belly on me gives the game away.
Been pretty much ignored by h today, so I saw that as an opportunity to get by doing my own thing. Patience is never my strong point funnily enough. So despite having been in this situation on and off for over a year- I want to see something working on him.
And luckily me and h still have seperate accounts. We have a joint for all bills, mortgage etc. And I don't think he could ever pick a fight with me over money, as his little mlc had him get rid of a luxury family car and buy himself a high end luxury 4x4!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Have you all always had separate accounts and just use joint to cover mutual bills? (i noticed the word "still")... or did something change along the line?
Nope this has always been the way, since before we were married and it just worked. Money was never an issue really. What's mine is yours and that.
Struggling a bit today, feeling groggy and in work with little sleep. He was supposed to be my ride home- and now he has said he didn't know if he would wait (all of 15 mins). I don't want to feel at his mercy. I'd rather walk the 2 hour walk home!!
The fact that he and the ow are both here drives me absolutely insane!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
She has permanent bitch face! If she comes into my path I might just attack!
I hate being at his mercy, the stubborn side of me feels like just walking off. He still swears to me nothing is going on, but when I see his phone , there is messages from her. Try not to focus on this, as I know he's lying to me- so I've no need to check.
I feel like when I eventually hit the roof and walk, he will feel some guilt. But it's hard not to come across pouty when he's acting like s jerk!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Ddj, thanks for swinging by. The situation is not ideal, but I'm not seeing this baby as an accident. For me it's every bit as wanted as the first one.
But I shall try my upmost not to beat them both down with a blunt object.
Oh grl of course I do, this skank is a raging skank though, it's not an unfortunate face. She be a bitch! I've confronted him, I even used her name, I just haven't said what I had seen. Al he does is swear it's nothing and there's no one. I hate when people lie to me!
Yesterday was tough, today I will make better
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hey Cherry, then I guess congratulations to you and you alone is in order. A child is a blessing and he or she will give you the love that you will not get from your STBXH (hint hint) and you will give all the love that you have to your two children.
Only you can choose the right thing to do, don't wait until tomorrow!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I get what you mean, but I'm not quite ready to drop the rope and consider him XH yet. I'm wise, and I'm strong, I have every faith that if and when that's what I decide, I will know when the time is right.
Meanwhile, like the lighthouse story says, they aren't capable of a r with anyone right now. So I'm stepping aside for a while and focusing on myself and my babies.
Got a busy day in work today. So that keeps me busy at least, even if I run the risk of bumping into h or skank. But I'm ready to give them both my greatest "screw your" look.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
But I'm ready to give them both my greatest "screw your" look.
I obviously don't know you personally, but you seem like a positive, upbeat, energetic type of woman. I'm picturing this "screw you" look like something out of a cartoon from someone that has never given one before... haha. Have you been practicing this look to perfection?
Haha I love this. My h often has the resting bastard face perfected.
But yeah the screw you look can definitely be complimented by the but I have class and morals. All about how you handle yourself.
A few days ago, I was walking around a little timid, and if i ran into the ow, or h, I would look nervous. Then my good old white anger kicked in and I felt more myself again. Now my head is held high, with a little "ain't nobody got time for that" thrown in.
H was full of q's again today, when am I going to work, when am I finishing work bla-de-blah.
Just like the other day, I saw there no point being overly mysterious or questioning why he wanted to know these things. So I told him straight. I guess it's because I was leaving way earlier than I should. It seems that h is very curious into where I am going, and who am I going with.
I shall not over think, I shall keep on keeping on.
Meanwhile in my life, had a very important meeting with a big boss from legal in the company today. And guess who had to jog out full speed ahead as the amount of coffee fumes in the room made me gag *waves hand*
And everybody keeps telling me how great I'm looking and "have you lost weight, you're tiny". I feel I look exactly how I feel! I guess I'm still trying with my appearance. My clothes are still looking sharp, I put my mascara on, and I have masses of long blonde hair which almost manages itself most days, so I'm lucky!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
If it's OK I'd like to tell you my story. It maybe a little long but, there is an important lesson.
22 years ago my W and conceived a child, we weren't married, we had just started a "serious" relationship. We both vowed that we were not going to be parents and would be career focused. To add to this W was still not divorced from her 1st marriage.
I panicked. I did not want to be a parent, I thought it was a trap, etc, etc, We almost gave up the baby for adoption, then my sister said she would raise it. W decided she would be a single mother. For the next 6 months, we had a weirdo relationship. I would see W and daughter a little. We went back and forth on what was going to happen. After she started talking about moving to Calgary and possibly marrying the next man that would be a love and care for D20, it really changed my thinking. Finally, I realized that I needed to step up and be a husband and father.
Here is the important part. W and I never became a couple, she never really forgave me for not saying we'd get married the day she found out she was pregnant. She would punish me with that for years. As a result we never connected, we hid things from each other and here we are.
Expecting a new baby can really motivate a man (ask me I know). I hope that your family will be rebuilt. I hope that the arrival of your new baby will be bring H back. If he feels trapped, he will be resentful. You can't let him off the hook either (since he is already a parent he get's the responsibility part).
I don't have any solutions for you. I don't recommend any threats or games. I do know that as Sandi2 says often about the WW until a loss is felt - remorse won't kick in.
We can't instigate that loss. It will sneak up on the Wayward Spouse.
I told you my story, I hope it helps.
Wanna hear something wacky. These days as I'm alone - I sometimes fantasize about W and I having a one night stand-conceiving a baby and her having to come back. Talk about history repeating itself - Have I learned nothing??
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Bigybiz, thank you for sharing that story with me. Sometimes I wonder if he suddenly feels scared, or like its a trap or something.
Yeah that's how I feel too, and I don't think he will. I think he is going to carry on his wayward adventure until he feels that loss. Somedays I feel like that loss will possibly me walking. When anger was in full rage when he bd me again, I told him if he closes the door on me he will regret it. He said yeah you're probably right but I need to learn my lesson.
His mom told him in no certain terms if he d's me, he will loose her. That has then created more resentment as he then sees me as a "little miss perfect". I can do nothing to influence people's decision, nor am I the type to meddle and play the "he said she said" game and ruin things further.
He wanted to collect me from work to save me getting a train home. As he offered I accepted. He then went on to talk his feelings, I did my best to stfu and just listen and validate. For once I feel I did this well. He mentioned "if we split" and hates how "no one gets how he feels" again, I did my best to stfu and not get into an argument. It hurts to feel like I'm this ogre he doesn't want to be connected to.
I'm doing my best not to make my feelings known when I feel angry or upset, but finding new ways to cope. Go for a walk, do an activity. Something, anything rather than rant at him.
It hurts. It does. And I wish I could force something upon him to change his mind. But that's impossible. I don't think he has felt any loss to fully get him out of the fog since the very first time he said these words to me.
He still feels the grass is greener elsewhere
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I guess there is no way to intervene on his quest for that discovery really is there. Focus on myself I guess and wait for the inevitable sh*t storm.
Tried to turn his alarm off this morning, and I realised he had changed his password on his phone. *sigh* if that's not someone hiding something, I don't know what is.
Told myself I wouldn't let it wind me up. But it still did.
God I just feel so tired.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hey Cherry, you're stressing about things that you can't control. That's why you're so tired, well besides the pregnancy :-)
You control your actions, disregard his, so difficult still, but until you do so, you're on his roller-coaster.
This morning I got back on my XWW's rollercoaster, but I am feeling it and letting it go. I have no control over her, even less since we're divorced (LOL), but still reacted to her incongruent words and actions. I have been through hell, and know how to get out. So feel it, deal with it and then heal from it.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Ddj. You are so right and this is what I'm trying to do. Given the way he has been going, I half expected this.
I keep telling myself that I can't control his actions. Nor can I control him.
Trying, for the first time in my life to be selfish and look after myself and child (well children).
I guess it's hard to still feel love in your heart for a person who has become a stranger to you. I no longer feel like a married woman. I don't have a h, because in my mind- that's the one person you can go to with anything. Or talk about anything to. I don't have that. The lonely feeling should surely help with detachment.
He made a point to message me in the day to ask me for a telephone number for something. Something he could have quite easily googled. A part of me wanted to ignore the message. But weighing it up, I thought what would I achieve from this. So sent him it. His behaviour is strange, like the offer to collect me from work yesterday. Part of me doesn't want to read into any of this, but another part thinks surely if he didn't care- he wouldn't bother.
Still I shouldn't get on his rollercoaster. Leave him to his own circus
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
That lonely feeling is good place, I felt that about 3 weeks ago. I felt single. There was no one to call BABY, no one to say I LOVE YOU to.
Don't fight that feeling, understand your emotions, understand where it's coming from. If you can see yourself without him in the moment, then yes, you are detaching. The yearning for him is dissipating.
He is keeping you hooked, he is selfish to let you go. He has no respect for you and his children, only his selfish needs. Having two women in his life, is clearly better than one.
Continue to follow DB principles, and focusing on yourself and your children, is not selfish - as a mother, that is selfless, unconditional love.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You are right, maybe it is a step closer to detaching. A kind of acceptance to the way things are the moment. As lonely and as far away from what I want.
I know I'm accepting the fact that I don't want someone to be with me out of guilt or obligation. I want someone to want to be with me for all I bring to the table. And he is beyond an idiot and a fool to not see this.
So I keep on keeping on. And let him ride his crazy train, but I will not get caught up in it.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Ugh! Just typed a long post and then it disappeared! Stupid phone!
Basically, last night when h came home, he was picking at a variety of things, it seemed like he wanted to get in an argument or at least get me angry. I didn't raise to this, didn't take the crumbs and remained upbeat.
Later on, I went up to bed. He followed me, but was then more upbeat. He was telling me about some pictures he has of me which he absolutely loves (?) that was a bit confusing. He then wanted to make just general chit chat about all sorts. Which I gave.
I would like to think I remained on an even keel last night despite which mood he wanted to throw at me. So if this was a test, I think I passed
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I want to encourage you to review cadets homework for detachment. Your h has issues as I perceive from your posts and you seem to be caught on the hook of his fishing line.
Detaching will help you avoid the confusion of his behaviors and words to you.
Please do not give into his sweet talking about his attraction and sex with you. You deserve more than a husband that acts as if physical attraction is all he needs from his w and mother of his children. He needs some serious therapy and counseling based on what you are sharing. Do not stand to close to his circus convoy, because when it crashes you do not need to be caught up in the wreckage.
Give yourself some space from him. You need it. He needs it.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Detachment has always been something I've struggled with. Though I'd like to think I'm getting slightly better. I didn't give into his ways, as I often get the impression h is only physicality attracted to me. And I do deserve more than that, I'm a good person, I have morals and a big heart. But mami won't be taken for a fool, so after I told him no sex. I'm sticking to it.
But I'll read and re read until it sticks
Waiting for his crazy train to crash but I guess I can't force that
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, your H is confused and it sounds like he's doing major cake binging.
He prob knows that you can offer what itsy bitsy skank can't offer but itsy bitsy skank represents freedom from responsibilities. Your H needs to grow up and man up. But it's his journey.
Your journey is to continue being an awesomely sexy, sassy lighthouse.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Don't you just wish there was a way to make them see what crazy life's they are living right now. But again, I guess that's his journey, his problem, his circus, his monkeys.
Yeah freedom and bugging up his ego I guess.
I'm certainly trying to. I forced myself up and out of the house to get my eyebrows threaded today. Being particularly sick today so this was kinda the last thing I wanted to do
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hey there Miss Cherry. I kind of got lost for a bit, but I'm back and checking in on you.
I am so glad to hear that you are holding the line when it comes to sex. It may be what he wants from you the most, but it is, quite frankly, what he least deserves. He can't pick and choose which parts of you and your marriage that he wants.
I hope that you start feeling better very soon, and that you continue to hold the line. You are a powerful woman and you deserve a whole marriage in which you are loves and cherished for everything that you bring to the table. Short of that - he can go "pleasure" himself. (didn't want to get censored!)
Sorry. I've been feeling bit feisty lately.
Hang in there, lovely lady.
((((((((((Cherry))))))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Detachment has always been something I've struggled with. Though I'd like to think I'm getting slightly better. I didn't give into his ways, as I often get the impression h is only physicality attracted to me. And I do deserve more than that, I'm a good person, I have morals and a big heart. But mami won't be taken for a fool, so after I told him no sex. I'm sticking to it.
But I'll read and re read until it sticks
Waiting for his crazy train to crash but I guess I can't force that
Hi Cherry
I know detachment is a big challenge. It is a big challenge foe most of us. I think one of the reasons that it is a challenge, is because it is misunderstood and or thought to simply be a place that is reached in our minds. I am researching and reading about it a lot to better understand what it is and how it can be implemented and applied for a strong healthy relationship. Relationships first with ourselves. Second with other people.
Anyway, my point that hopefully I can make for you here in short, is I am seeing it more as an action we LBS must practice constantly. Kind of like getting into shape and or being healthy after not being in shape and unhealthy. It is hard at first. It hurts at first. We struggle and are not sure if we are doing things right. The key is that we remain consistent and practice daily. Learn from error and mistakes and adjust.
Detachment is an action and a choice that takes effort and work and then we will become strong and healthy....emotionally and mentally.
The thread in cadets homework about detachment should be read daily and implemented until it makes sense.
You can do this. I look forward to seeing a post in the next day or two from you about one thing you learned from the detachment material and how you implemented it. Lets start there if you are up to it.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I do deserve more than that, I'm a good person, I have morals and a big heart. But mami won't be taken for a fool, so after I told him no sex. I'm sticking to it.
But I'll read and re read until it sticks
Waiting for his crazy train to crash
Originally Posted By: SuperSara
Cake eating with a side of man baby.
Originally Posted By: JksD
He prob knows that you can offer what itsy bitsy skank can't offer but itsy bitsy skank represents freedom from responsibilities. Your H needs to grow up and man up. But it's his journey.
Your journey is to continue being an awesomely sexy, sassy lighthouse.
Originally Posted By: Phoebe
Sorry. I've been feeling bit feisty lately.
Hang in there, lovely lady.
((((((((((Cherry))))))))))
Look out folks!!! We have a thread here full of Feisty, Sassy, Lovely Ladies over here!!!
With the likes of the sweet Gals, Cherry, Phoebe, JksD and SuperSara, I don't know how well the WH club is gonna survive. There is gonna be some smackdown laid down around these parts for sure!
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I'm honored to be included in the ranks of the WH Smackdown Club.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Ooh yes! I'm loving the smack down club! Loving the feisty women here taking control of their life's.
Phoebe, you don't have to apologise for the feistiness. In my head I frequently tell him to go pleasure himself!
Sh, yes I'm willing to give that a go. Anything that gives me an opportunity to take control and survive this I'm willing to grab with both hands. And obviously I would love the opportunity to save my marriage. But my sanity needs to be saved first.
Time to start a new thread to I guess
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Ooh yes! I'm loving the smack down club! Loving the feisty women here taking control of their life's.
Phoebe, you don't have to apologise for the feistiness. In my head I frequently tell him to go pleasure himself!
Sh, yes I'm willing to give that a go. Anything that gives me an opportunity to take control and survive this I'm willing to grab with both hands. And obviously I would love the opportunity to save my marriage. But my sanity needs to be saved first.
Time to start a new thread to I guess
Cherry, yes, sanity first and that will help you do what is needed to save the MR on your part. Detaching is good for both. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the reading and plans for taking baby steps to implement.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/01/1607:28 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
x
