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#2690940 07/17/16 02:27 AM
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Cherry Offline OP
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Guys I thank you all for rallying in with your support.

H denies an affair. He even denies texting another girl (even though I snooped and have seen, and I've also seen him sat messaging ALL.DAY.LONG in front of me, seriously like 10 mins in a day don't pass without them texting. It's almost as nauseating as early pregnancy!!).

He rolls in at the early hours again. And the anger in me just wants to highlight what an almighty jerk he is. But what's the use, he's so deep in the fog, he has absolutely no problem lying to anyone.

Sotto, I don't know why I fear loosing him. I guess part of me is still clinging on to this deep love we had, which now he's re-writing history he claims he didn't have. And part of me worries for my children and myself doing it alone. I have to wonder what my children when grown up will think of the father that walked out on their pregnant mom though.

So I guess my plan now needs to be life without him. And make him feel the loss from me. I'm not too sure how I can do this while still following db principles and not be cold or angry. The pain is just so raw, and I'm struggling with bad sickness to even look after myself, let alone my toddler too.

I think this jerk off has the illusion he can do as he pleases but still have this family environment he can fall back on. Like how he told me he will move out and come over for meals- that is not happening.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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So I guess my plan now needs to be life without him.

(Absolutely....at least for now)

And make him feel the loss from me.

(Remember you're not trying to 'make him feel' anything - only to do the best thing for you and your family in view of his behaviour.

I'm not too sure how I can do this while still following db principles and not be cold or angry.

(I think that's your fear again - try to stop worrying about how you may come across to him)

The pain is just so raw, and I'm struggling with bad sickness to even look after myself, let alone my toddler too.

(I can understand this and it must be so tough for you. So - if you aren't worrying about him, what is the right thing for you to do right now to best care for yourself?)

I think this jerk off has the illusion he can do as he pleases but still have this family environment he can fall back on. Like how he told me he will move out and come over for meals- that is not happening.

(Remember that you will only be treated in the in the way that you allow. So, if you ML to him - yes he will cake eat, text his friend all day and ML to you at night. However, if that doesn't work for you, you can let him know....if you can lose the fear of losing him. If you think about it Cherry, he's texting his friend in front of you, whilst you're laid low with morning sickness carrying his child. then he's telling his Mum he doesn't want to be in the M any more, then telling you he wants to ML, but doesn't want to confuse you....really, losing this behaviour in your life is going to be a great relief I think.)

JMHO of course and I hope this helps a little xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Me again Sweetie, then I'll stop bugging you I promise...

If you think about it, I don't think you are doing your sitch any favours. He has already had a PA and you have been willing to give things another go. Then he's having inappropriate contact with an OP and you are still there, hoping for reconciliation. And he still seems to think - well, I know she would want to ML to me, but I don't want to confuse her as I think I actually want a D at this point. I can see why he might think - well I can pretty much carry on having contact with other women and Cherry (and the family life) will still be there for me.

So, I guess my question would be - how does he come to fear the potential loss of Cherry. What is it that makes him worry - oh I've gone too far now?

If you are uncertainly hovering, hoping he will turn back to the M and not really setting strong boundaries on his behaviour. How is he going to know it is intolerable to you and that he may actually lose you and his family? (Please don't think in terms of you losing him - this is really about him potentially losing you - as you are the prize here...)

(((((Hugs))))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Cherry Offline OP
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I told him the other day when he said about ml and it being something sacred that's just between the two of us. I guess the fear again had me believing he will go elsewhere for this. I know I need to loose this fear. I told him I want to ML with someone who respects me and does it because he loves me as his wife. I guess this is the first boundary I put in place.

I am absolutely going to put me first, a long with toddler and bump. This stress, especially in pregnancy is no good. He is incapable of looking or even wanting to look after me. So I need to do whatever I can to keep myself healthy, and put my focus into enjoying my toddler and my pregnancy.

Yes he has said many a time he doesn't want to confuse me, but I think this is just his confusion. I need to find a way in my mind to step away from him and his chaos. And let him deal with his own bullsh*t, I don't need it. I don't have time for it. If I'd of seen this behaviour when we were dating, it would have been a "bye felicia" moment.

I'll have a pamper today, I'll do my best to make myself feel good.

And grl, to answer what you said before, my company knows about the pregnancy, I needed some time off for sickness so needed to let them know as I have many rights to protect me if time off etc is needed due to pregnancy. My plan is to let people know once I've had my first scan in 5/6 weeks. I'm praying all goes well and then I can tell anyone. And get working on that new maternity wardrobe. I will be the chicest preggo! And yes, I highlyyyy doubt she does know I'm pregnant but knowing this immature skank- it'll have no effect. The fact she finds and condones a man who can up and leave his family with a toddler gives insight to how much of a loose little skank she is. A single little 20 year old giving advise on m and families is actually laughable. And if I say so myself, this skank doesn't hold a candle to me! But in the great words of cee-lo green "f**k you and f**k her too".


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Cherry Offline OP
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Okay, so bad dbing, but I guess I couldn't hold my anger. I kept calm, but when I saw him and he asked what was up, I had to tell him that I had my suspicions- it just came out. He swears he's being honest and there's no one else (he doesn't know I've seen the texts). It was a little outburst, I perhaps shouldn't have done it. But he knows when I talk to him in a firm but calm voice that I mean business. I told him I won't be disrespected and I won't be made a mockery of.

Although I possibly shouldn't have done this. I did. I needed to lay that out to him and then concentrate on being my fabulous self.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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why would you think it is bad DBing to inform your husband that you will not be disrespespected, that you are tired of being humiliated from his lies?

I think this is a good start cherry. consequence is next...how do you protect yourself???

you are a superstarelationship, so not deserving off all this bull crap.


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Living together
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Yes, here is where I fully agree with Zephyr and I don't think you should question yourself here. It's perfectly reasonable for you to lay down a firm boundary here. In fact you could have gone further and told him that you have seen his texts to OP. Then of course he would say - oh that's nothing and you are just being paranoid and so on....but there we are.

So, please remember - self-respect and self-protect. He would be the lucky one if you were willing to give him a second chance here.... smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I think you did just fine. You set a boundary and made it clear you will not stand for disrespect and you did it in a controlled, cool manner.You got this.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Cherry Offline OP
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He would be lucky to have me.. I don't know how many people, both male and female tell him that. Lots of guys at work ask tell him they think I'm stunning and how did he get me, maybe he has some resentment towards me for that..

You're all right. I guess I've tried not to loose my cool with him. Last week for the first time in my life I shouted and swore at him. I've never done that. He must know now he's taking the p**s.

I got ready to take toddler out, he asked to come with us. I agreed. No r talk, not much talk in general. But nor was I rude.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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Cherry, I've briefly followed you sitch. If it's any consolation my stepdad and my mom reconciled after he had an affair while my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother. So it can be done.

I learned a lot from him on being a husband and father. I just did the opposite.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
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