Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

Ginger, I knew within a minute how upset I was with myself. It was exactly the person that I am trying so hard to fix.
You are so right on her saying "ok"
That needs to be my new trigger from her to shut up. That should tell me when I am starting to rant.
Yes. I am working with someone about this. It's a part of the verbal abuse and control that I am working on. I am constantly reading. I see IC once every two weeks and I am in an anger management class. These are things that I am doing because I know it is going to take a long time to "rewire" my brain.
In a calmer state I do think our marriage has a great chance.
But getting to Roists point that it needs to be a different reaction. And you know what? That's the good news. it was a different reaction this morning without even having to try. I wasn't moody, I didn't let in linger. I think that is because I know I will have setbacks with my anger along the way, but that I just keep pushing forward becoming who I want to be.
Mach1,
You are right as usual. This is not how I acted when I wanted sex and we were dating. Seriously doubt she would have married me if that was the case. This is something new and I need to approach it that way.
I have learned a lot through the last few years, especially the last couple of months.

We took our S to school this morning. It was his first day. Things were good.
I apologized. I said, "I want to apologize for how I acted last night. Yes. I am frustrated with some things, but that is not how I want to handle things. I'm disappointed in myself for it. I'm sorry"
She responded by saying, "I'm sorry I was agitated as well. I told you I was having a rough day and when I saw you eating the chicken I got upset as well. It will be ok."

So it's been completely fine from then on. She has been texting me all day.
I'm still upset with how I reacted.

I am going to use this as motivation to continue to get better
I will bring up in MC next week about having these conversations and letting W know that they need to be discussed before it builds up

[RSG]

I see so many similarities in your reactions to mine. I am prone to blind rage sometimes. When it comes to not getting what I feel I deserve within a suitable time frame, it definitely comes out. This is something I've worked on since my last outburst, and I'm able to calm down. The angry, ugly thoughts I've had come less and less.

But, lets factor in this. You were DAMN WORN OUT from a long day. All you needed was one little poke, and you broke. That's difficult. It's good that you tried to repair right away, but I believe even reading your stuff from 2013 the quick recognition was there.

It's hard, but weigh your options. Slowly build back towards physical affection....or blow it up and end it. That's really it. You can do it, and with all the work you've done I know you want to be with her.

[cbtdad]

So W and I went to concert tonight
Her good friend and neighbor friend of ours
I swear it just feels like good roommates no matter what we do
This makes me feel like moving on
I have a very good looking wife
But she just doesn't seen interested in that way
I feel like a brotther

The more i look at it, the more I think it's cake eating

[roist]

I understand why you think that but I would be less quick to label stuff. Many people here read certain terms on this board and jump to the conclusion that that is it. Cake eating is one of those terms. That is just my opinion and is not a criticism of you or the board in general.

Your W has not categorically ruled out you as a H. Small consolation maybe but still most WAS here are categorical because they are sure. Limbo beats that in my book in regards to chances to turn it around. Living together, doing stuff together, having fun all add to your collective memories upon which your R is judged by W.

Let's say she really wants out. 100%. That must be an incredibly hard place to be and to continue living together. I am not saying have a pity party for her. After all WE see a very simple solution. But they don't. I often wondered if it is harder to stay with someone you don't love or stay with some who doesn't love you. Without losing myself too much, I just wanted you to reflect on this being at least equally tough on her.

I have another (maybe unorthodox ) view on cake eating.You are unhappy with your R. You are thinking of leaving because it isn't fulfilling. That is fair enough. But you have work to do on yourself regardless.that can be done without separation. So you cake eat while working on building a better you. Despite the shite there has to be advantages to still living together. You don't have to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, paperwork or son stuff. Ye still do fun stuff together, like the concert. None of this replaces a fulfilling R (nor should it) but should not be neglected either.

There are millions of people around the world seeking someone to share their lives with and what you are living beats their lonely existence. That being said there is nothing worse than feeling alone in a R. Ultimately it is unhealthy. I am not trying to convince you that what you have is better than the potential of being single. But you don't want to be single and this is a phase that has to be passed to rebuild a new R with W.

You have had a hard few years and eventually you may decide that is enough. That does not have to be today.Today focus on making the most of your interactions and more importantly use that time me wisely working on you.

[cbtdad]

Roist,
Thank You so much for your post. This is why I love this forum. I honestly never thought to stop and think that this is hard on her as well. All the validating and things I've been working on and I forgot to even stop and think what she may be feeling as well.
To me its all about my patience. Something that I am constantly working on. I tend to get upset when things don't go the way I want them to in a certain period of time. I think you are dead on when you say that I can be working on these things while we are living together. Which is what I have been doing.
The last couple of days I have kind of lost my way. I feel myself reverting back to the old me and getting impatient.
I think its good that I recognize it, but that doesn't mean its ok to act that way.
That is what I have to change

[RSG]

This speaks to me so much. We have so much in common!

1) Feel like we're the only one who cares
2) Impatient
3) Baby steps aren't enough, work should equal real results!
4) Thinking just give up to at least have a resolution

I go through all of these from time to time and I see them in you as well. I'm working on patience. I'm working on trusting the process. And celebrating the baby steps. In a little less than 3mos, the anger has died down, I'm treating this time alone as a time for learning and improvement, I'm seeing a therapist to discuss my feelings, I'm learning how to speak and listen, I'm becoming more confident in myself than ever before, I'm trying to figure out how I can forgive and I'm becoming the best Daddy I can be. I've improved in every area, but I'm not where I want to be.

Just today, a cashier asked me a question about Mexican Coke (hooray real sugar). Usually I would've just given a 1 word answer and walked off, because I don't like chit chat (think Larry David lol). But I stopped, answered and he appreciated what I had to say and might actually try one because I gave him a recommendation.

Anyway, not fully off topic but off the beaten path.

Hang in there buddy. From what I've seen of your threads, your W loves you and wants to be with you. She just seems gun shy that you can't get over the hump with your anger. Trust me, I'm not judging I'm looking in the mirror lol.

[RSG]

All ok buddy? Been hoping to hear of some good news from you....

[cbtdad]

I'm doing good! I just decided to take a little breather from the forum. W and I had a discussion Friday night after what seemed like a couple bad days from me for sure.
I told her that I recognized the things I was doing over the past couple days and that I was acting like the person that gives her anxiety and makes her run for the hills.
I said, "just because I recognize it doesn't give me a pass. I know that this is something that I am working on, but it's not something that is going to be fixed over night. I feel like we are taking 3 steps forward then one step back. I do get frustrated with the living in limbo though. It builds up and then I feel like we are just living like brother/sister or friends"
She said, "I understand how you feel. But let me give you an analogy." She went and grabbed a paper plate out of the cabinet. She then asked me to rip it up in 6 pieces, She grabbed some tape and started to tape it back together piece by piece in like a puzzle. She said, "I feel like I'm putting everything back together piece by piece, trying to match them up so that it all fits together" She was taping the plate back together. When she got to the last piece she ripped all up again, but this time in like 10 pieces. She then started putting it together then
She said, "this is what it feel like to me. I start feeling like everything is getting better then all of sudden its all ripped up and we have to start again"

From then on we had a good dialogue for about 10 minutes. I brought up that I liked her analogy and how that's how it felt for me about trust since the last time.
We even touched on sex for a moment. She said, "last week I actually started thinking that maybe we would just have a few drinks one night and it would just happen again."
That's the first time in 4 months she has brought up sex with me

I had a good IC yesterday and told her all about the discussion Friday night. IC thinks that W and I want to be together and that we are just having to work through these things. She stressed that patience is really important, but also stating clearly to the W what I want. That we have come along way, but I want more than a friendship. We have an MC on Thursday and I guess more will be discussed then.

[cbtdad]

We had another MC session today. The session overall went well. We both left laughing and smiling so I guess that is good.
For the first time since this began 4 months ago W said she actually started to think about things. She said that she started thinking about why she isn't moving forward and why we are in separate bedrooms. She is just still skeptical. She is waiting for the old me to show up. She said like last time I changed for a little while, but we are here again. I listened and I validated all of her feelings.
She feels like last time around we just put a bandaid on it.
I validated that and told her I agree.
I told her that even though we aren't in the same bedroom or having sex that this is the first time in a long time that I feel we are a team.
Im really having to learn patience in this, because a big part of me wants to say screw it and go. I sometimes feel like we are just delaying the inevitable
But I want to give it all I have

[doodler]

cbtdad,

That is awesome! If both of you are feeling good after MC, then in my doodler opinion, that's a very good sign. It sounds like your wife is onboard.