Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
AndrewP - Thanks for the info. It makes perfect sense.

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
R
RSG Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. Slow and steady wins the race. The tortoise and the hare and all.

You're doing well on the anger, it's nice to hear it's gone from a habit to something she's shocked by. Keep that up! I'm actually doing better with that too. W gave me the finger during dropoff today, and I just kinda shook my head....


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
cbtdad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
So W and I are out of town at her dads house for a couple nights
Things have been going well as usual
We shared a bed and will do so again tonight
W talked to her dad about us looking at new houses and stuff in the future
She also discussed our ski trip in March
At this point I'm just getting to the point that I may just move back in MBR when we get back
Not even discuss it any further
Only reason I'm holding back at this point is I don't want it coming across at me "controlling" the environment


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
cbtdad - that really sounds positive. I'm happy for you in your progress. Have fun on your time off.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
cbtdad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
Well so much for me just sleeping in the MBR. Lol
W and I just had a blow up. Or probably more like i just had a blow up
Yeah she even used the phrase "nothing has changed"
I'd say that's a set back
I'm just so frustrated. I got home after driving 4 hours this morning and then working another 10. So I was already tired.
I walk in and there is fried chicken on the counter. Mind you it's 10pm. So I grab a drumstick. Well I go upstairs and W gives me attitude about eating it. Guess it was for S for school or something tomorrow
I go downstairs, as I'm walking downstairs I say I'm tired of this [censored] loud enough for her hear me.
When I come back upstairs I notice my bag from being gone isn't unpacked all the way. It's like she just left it there. For some reason that set me off. And before I knew it I was ranting and throwing clothes and shoes as I unpacked it
I told her this is bullshyt that I have to do all this and it's not even like I get sex or anything. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along those lines.
I walked off. Few minutes later I went downstairs. Still kind of heated.
I tried to explain myself and why this is happening. She just answers "ok" to everything. I said, "what are we doing? We go to your dads, we talk about moving, we talke about all these future things, yet we aren't even in the same bedroom. I have needs. I need to know what we are doing. I need to move out of that's what needs to happen for my emotional well being"
All of that was just constant ok' as from her.
This is what she does when I start ranting
So I go back upstairs calm a bit.
Then go back down and by now she is outside.
I asked if she got my text. I had texted her to tell her to find someone else that would want to go to concert tomorrow night.
I told her to stop being rude and talk. She said stop being a jerk.
I said I'm just tired of it all and it's hard. That's when she said something to more of the same, nothing really changing or something like that. I told her that the resentment in me is building up and that maybe I needed to move out because
I would rather it not end on bad terms. I told her I realize I still have a long way to go and this proves it, but regardless of what i am doing to work on me that I can change her
I can't make her want me physically and want to be with me
And want someone to be close to and kiss and hold
She said she didn't want to discuss this right now
By then I had calmed down
So I walked away and just said please find someone to use my concert ticket

I am worn out. This is true. I do worry that this is all she will ever want.
The resentment is building in me and it's unhealthy. I can't live in limbo land much longer.
I am so unhappy with how I acted. It really upsets me. I feel like I take a few big steps forward but then one giant step backwards. But I'm starting to feel like the steps backwards are because I'm expecting something that just isn't going to happen
But I see the triggers and can't stop them soon enough and this bothers me
One thing I have noticed is when it gets like this is I can't even remember what my exact words were at the moment and what I said
That scares me


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Oh no. I know you already knew what you did wrong here. And the consequences.

Your wife saying "ok" is how she learned to deal with the outbursts. But I am sure you already know that.

I know you are not happy with your actions. I have been feeling your resentment.

You seemed to think you were coming close to your goal, aside from your outburst, but you said you had an outburst because you thought it was never going to happen.

now, in a calmer state, which is it? Was it a possibility, even if not on your timeline, or do you really think it was never going to happen.

I told you what getting angry regarding the sex thing and mentioning not getting it return for other things was not the way to go about this. That is what will push her further and not make it something pleasurable. Honestly, if you want to move out, maybe you should. If you want to save this, there is a whole whole lot of work you are going to have to do.

When wanting to discuss a sensitive topic, it could only be done sensitively. I felt this could have been discussed in a loving moment,in a loving way, instead of letting the resentment build up.

You can't remember what you said because it's a blind rage. What are you doing about controlling blind rages? Are you getting help for this issue?

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
This is just a set back. How you react now is more important.It needs to be different,i.e. not more of the same.IIf before you tended to be moody after such outbreaks, you need to not be moody.

If you truly regret your outburst, apologize. But apologize for the outburst, for not behaving how you want to. Don't belittle your reasons or sentiments that led to it. They are real and are understandable but not the issue here.

Limbo is tough and it suckks. But it is only a passage. I have many times wanted to break my limbo, but have decided that my best option is not to. I have been in limboland longer than I thought possible so I understand your frustration. It did seem you were making progress but it is never fast enough for us. Patience is key. Accepting to live in limbo NOW does nor mean that is what you accept as being as good as it gets.

I wish you luck. Choose your next step wisely, not based on feelings. There is no right decision.You do the best you can in the moment.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: Ginger1

I told you what getting angry regarding the sex thing and mentioning not getting it return for other things was not the way to go about this. That is what will push her further and not make it something pleasurable. Honestly, if you want to move out, maybe you should. If you want to save this, there is a whole whole lot of work you are going to have to do.


Ayep ^^^^

Did you act like this when you were dating and thought about sex with her ???


Still.....you are trying to apply the guidelines from an old , broken marriage into this ( what SHOULD be a) new, better relationship..

How are you any different ?

What exactly have you learned through the past few years ???

You have to get back to basics with YOU buddy....

Before you even begin to think about anything else....

Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 70
cbtdad - You been such a solid help for me. I'm sorry this episode happened, but we all know you had such strong emotions and feelings towards this subject. I completely agree with the vets on their advice. No one said that this road that you and your W are on is a straight line, there's going to be some bends here and there.

Today is another day to get back on track.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: roist
This is just a set back. How you react now is more important.It needs to be different,i.e. not more of the same.IIf before you tended to be moody after such outbreaks, you need to not be moody.

If you truly regret your outburst, apologize. But apologize for the outburst, for not behaving how you want to. Don't belittle your reasons or sentiments that led to it. They are real and are understandable but not the issue here.




I agree, yet I disagree....

Only a "set back" would have been correct after the first time, maybe the second time....

"Set backs" and "I'm sorry" only go so far until they become viewed as behavioral patterns.

After continual outbursts and "frustrations" are vented, I am sure that she is nearing the point of zoning out when she starts to hear the empty apologies from CBT. Hence the short "okay" responses from her...


C...

What outcome do you desire ??

Because I can assure you, that you are working toward one very quickly, and it might not be the one that you have in mind....

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard