So W is on the way back today. She and son will be home when I get home from work. Can't wait to see son. Kind of miss W, but not nearly as much as son. She called me this morning and said she might pick up a shift tonight. I was kind of upset at that, but didn't say anything then. Then earlier this afternoon I got a text from our neighbor neighbor: Hi! I'm home, finally. W said she is going to work tonight and if you are not home when she leaves I will take son. Neighbor and I will take boys with us to have bday dinner and would love for you to join us
I sent my wife a copy of that text and said. "Guess you are working. Love when I find out this way(thumbs up emoji)
W: " I haven't set anything. I said "in case" to her She sent me a copy of text neighbor
cbtdad: thumbs up emoji
W: roll eyes emoji and a bitmoji saying "GULP"
cbtdad: Whats gulp?
W: When you do that
cbtdad: Not sure what I did. Just gave thumbs up to what you sent me. I just would rather find out info from you about your schedule. Neighbors text to me sounded definite. Doesn't matter either way at this point
W: Yea you just stress me out sending that. It wasn't definite. I just set it all up. And I cleared it with you first. I'll tell you when it's set
cbtdad: Not trying to stress you out. Just would be nice if you didn't want to work because you've been gone so long. But that's just not where we are at. It's all good
W: Yea I know. But I have to get my hours and then we will have two days of togetherness. Then the time in North Carolina so I didn't think it was a big deal
cbtdad: I understand. It's fine. Not trying to stress you out
W: Yea but you always act like its personal and I don't have a greater plan behind what I do
cbtdad: Yeah that's the part I understand. That its not personal Doesn't mean I like it:) Two different things babe I understand your reasoning is what I'm trying to say. I don't think it's personal. Doesn't mean I have to like it. that's why I'm saying didn't mean to stress you out(thumbs up emoji)
W: ok. Good. glad we get it now
So I do want W to want to come home and spend time with me. But I understand her reasoning for working tonight as well. I huess this could have been avoided had I just said I would like to spend time together tonight. But that's the problem I am in right now. To me trying to do that would have been more of the same behavior. Maybe come across as controlling. I also am starting to catch these emotions about things quicker, but not quick enough. But it is getting better
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You were passive-aggressive, that's why she gulped. And you know you weren't just giving a thumbs up sign like you told her. It was more like a "thanks a lot for not telling me and telling the neighbor" I used to pretty passive aggressive out of frustration. I realize how I could have probably just been straight forward about what I was feeling and discussed it first.
You get it though. because when you did become straight forward in the conversation expressing your feelings, it lead to communication and it was great. You expressed you wanted to spend time together, and she let you know her reasoning was not a personal attack on you, and something she needed to do.
It ended well! Just try to skip the passive-aggressiveness when you can.
Thanks Ginger! I know why I was giving her the "thumbs up" your right. I caught it a little too late. It's tough "rewiring" your brain. Like I said I've gotten much better and its a daily fight, but I now start to see it. Just sometimes still not quick enough. thanks for stopping by. I always enjoy your input
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Ginger rocks, right? She's a friend of mine. She tells it like it is. One of many reasons I like her. So...listen to her, ya hear?
So, ended ok, but rough start, yea?
As I said to you the other day, you need to count or something before responding, C. You have got to get that under control. You react first.
You keep trying to get her to act the way YOU want her to. You arent her, nor can you control her. You wanted her to want to be with you and when you thought she wouldnt be...you stomped your foot.
That could have been handled completely differently with an even better result.
So, whatcha gonna do to rein in those impulses. Because that isnt who you want to be..
uRworthy I am trying me best to control my reactions. I know I can't control my emotions, but the way I handle them is not what I want. You are dead on as usual and can feel myself getting "shorter" lately. I've got to control these things. It's just not what I want I love having Ginger1 input on my thread. She is helping bring some knowledge to me from the other side W did end up working last night. I've seen her a few times this morning Not sure what it is, but I did feel "angry and snippy" around her at the moment Im sure it will subside. Im gonna go for a run in a little while and clear my head
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Hey RSG, We did have ac couple days together. We had a MC appointment yesterday. It went well. I brought up the MBR issue and she said she hasn't even thought about it. She said she did like the aspect of being able to spread out like a starfish and watch tv without worrying about waking me up. She said it in a jokingly way. We somehow got on the subject of my mom which somehow lead us talking about money and retirement. Which is weird because we talk about all these future things together, but are still living in separate bedrooms. She brought up the couple times I was "snippy" and said she closes down when that happens, but said that it shocks now when it happens because its rarely. The MBR issue never got resolved. So last night after having people over I just went to guest bedroom and didn't say anything. Its a weird position for me to be in because I know I could push the issue and be in the MBR no problem, but don't wat to come off as controlling. I am going to approach this again next MC with the understanding that she is thinking about it I don't know why, but its something Im not really pushing for. I am honestly very comfortable in the guest room and sleep much better. So maybe that's why
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
SmithyC - they don't allow person to person contact here. Probably for the best because many of us are in a pretty delicate place.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
