Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

The W passed her first semester of paramedic school yesterday
Took her and son to nice steakhouse to celebrate.
I must say it does feel like a new relationship is forming. One were I ask questions and I genuinely enjoy hearing what she has to say.
Total 180 for me as use to just dominate the whole conversation
It has been good in that regard

[Ginger1]

cbtdad, I follow along silently and there is so much I want to say to you on here that relates to a sitch of someone close to me right now, but I can't.

I will tell you this: no matter what the outcome, you will be a better man for it. You could do everything right for a long period of time, and it still may not work or yield the results you hope for. But know you will be a better man for it.

I'm rooting for you

[cbtdad]

Thanks Ginger!
I wish you could share more with me or elaborate more on that other sitch. I understand though
For me its taking a lot of patience to not just give up and move on. I get very frustrated at times because it seems like things are going great in a marriage of what could be. Then other times I feel like it will never be what I want. My problem has always been that I want immediate results. I've always lacked patience and have been a selfish and controlling person.
I've only been in this situation for 3 months. For vets on this board they would say that is nothing. For me it feels like an eternity. More than anything now I am learning to be happy for me. Learning that I can't control anyone or anything, but my actions and attitude.
We are taking our S to Universal for a couple days this weekend and I look forward to the good times with him. I actually I am looking forward to the times with her as well.
it will be a nice break from everything else going on in our lives right now

[hawker]

Hey Cbdad, I know what you mean about wanting things to happen faster....I have been in limbo for 5 months....but just recently started DBing so I have a long haul I think....I have never thought about giving up, I get discouraged but I know what our lives can be like if we get through this...it helps that I am a very very patient person...it doesn't help that my closest friends are not..haha.....hope you have a good time at Universal!!

[RSG]

Sounds like a fun weekend in store!!

I'm not a patient person either. When I do something, I want to see the fruits of it or at least some buds. Lol. I've become much more patient since I became a Dad, but this situation is a bit different! I'm celebrating the baby steps though.

Just listening has become something new for me. Obviously, the chances I get are few and far between but it's a huge 180 where I just let her talk about whatever problem is on her mind. Not thinking, not offering ideas or solutions. Just listening. My therapist and every book I've read say women feel loved when you just sit and listen.

Enjoy the trip!!

[Ginger1]

First, 3 months is a very short period of time:) you certainly need patience.

I read that there was self-admitted emotional abuse. I think it is commendable you recognize it and are doing what you can for yourself and for your family to change things around. However, I have learned that you could be the most perfect husband NOW and do everything right, but scars can be left in the area of intimacy. Ones that she will have to work very hard to overcome and you will have to be ridiculously patient.

She may over come them. She may not. She may admit you are a wonderful husband and are doing it all right, but getting back in the intimacy area may still have a huge block up for her right now, and now because of anything you are doing wrong right now. In my personal experience, I thought I had a very low sex drive. I dreaded it. I dutifully did it, not as much as he would pleased, but often enough. But it wasn't enjoyable. Because criticism out of bedroom made me so nervous to be in my most vulnerable state with him. Post D, it turns out I am pretty high drive and I love it (TMI, sorry) He never bothered to address any of this, so it never changed. You are addressing it, which is great. But it may be a while before she could settle in there again.

I read on C-nut's thread about the cooking. I want to relate to that for a min. My ex was emotionally abusive. he would criticize everything I do, down to my cooking, of course. I began to get bad anxiety when preparing meal and when he sat down to eat it. I figured it would be better if I just left most of the cooking to him because I was literally freaking out. I couldn't go to the grocery store without him because I feared hearing him b*tch about how I bought the wrong brand of something. That being said, the fact she is cooking more now is a really good sign. She is getting more comfortable in that area which shows she believes a change in you.

Stay patient and stay consistent. I can imagine I is very very hard, especially being an affectionate person. PT is my love language too (and I'm going without, so I feel ya). But you seem very dedicated to your wife and child.

Enjoy universal and enjoy the time with the both of them, without any expectations.

[cbtdad]

Ginger I can not thank you enough for sharing your insight with me. It's taking some time, but these are the types of things you are sharing that my W is starting to open up about in MC.
She told me how I would criticize her for getting the wrong toilet paper. She said, "who does that"
She that she would get anxiety when she heard me pull up to the house or when my name popped up on her phone. Because she was thinking, "great what did I do wrong now?"
I remember a few months back I started realizing that I had control and trust issues that I couldn't explain. More than just not being trusting from our first separation a few years ago.
I started doing research. I came across a book called "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans
When I saw the title I figured it would give me a point of view from my W's side of things. WOW!!! It knocked me upside the head and completely opened my eyes. It talked about doing things subconsciously and not even realizing what you were doing. That you create a "dream woman". How you define them at every turn. That was me. But you know what. It talked about how a man can change. How he can rewire his brain. I know it's gonna take time. But realizing that this a marathon and not a sprint helps me keep going everyday. The patience I am having to have is not getting what I want out of the marriage right now. Which is PT!!
You hit on that exactly. I do know its gonna take time for her to trust me emotionally therefore take time to build up intimacy, but it still gets frustrating.
Like I told Accuray. The reason I have faith for the future is I've seen what it can be when things are going well. She does enjoy it and ask for it when times are good.
I just need to stay the path and continue to work on me and what I want myself to be for the future.
More than anything else, I do not want what I learned to be passed on to my S
That is my number one goal
Thanks again Ginger. Any other advice you have from your experience would be greatly appreciated

[Ginger1]

I'm glad I could be of help:) Honestly, reading how you recognized what you were doing and have taken a true initiative to fix it is really amazing and made me smile. ESPECIALLY because as you said, you don't want to model those behaviors for your S. My ex, unfortunately is a narcissist, and sees nothing wrong in his behaviors and it a "too bad if you don't like it" kind of guy. And he now treats our poor D8 the same way and she is terrified to talk to her father about it and it causes lots of stress.

Build a space of comfort for her. Continue to show her respect as a partner and a mother. Compliment often, but not overboard. And most of all..........

When you do show compliment or appreciation, please do not get frustrated when you don't get what you would like in return. I can only give you an example of what I mean..... My ex was nice when he wanted something. He rarely did anything just for me, there had to be something in return. My back in always sore from my job and I just wanted him to rub my shoulders sometimes. Shoulder rub= sex in return. He refused to rub my shoulders unless he was getting something out of it. That is not only pressure, it made me feel like I had to always make myself worthy of anything I ever had to receive.

A sexless marriage is not for me either. I would imagine she feels like she might be hurting you too when she turns you down. But I have a feeling she wants to get there. I just think it's going to take time. She may come to you one day and say "sorry, I just can't be intimate" or she may go be able to with consistency. But it will be for you to engage and decide if its really ever going to happen or if you are told it isn't going to happen, what you want to do from there. But 3 months in, I don't think you really have to think about that now. But asking for intimacy is a great sign.

I've got hopes for you. Like I said earlier, if anything, youll be a better man for it, and there should never, ever be any regrets there, especially when it comes to your S

[cbtdad]

Ginger I am happy that I was able to help you smile. It wasn't easy accepting the reality that I have been defining my W for so long. I must say it is very weird. I see my W completely different now. I see her as an individual. Someone who has her own wants and needs. Someone who doesn't just do things to make me happy or make me upset. Its not all about me!!
Because of that I have learned to do things for her without expecting anything in return like you said.
I am doing my best to not have any expectations for the long term. Overall there is no question that things look good.
She texts me throughout the day, sends funny jokes, tells me important things to her(both happy and angry), wants to do things together, opens up with me about things that are bothering her, even is looking at houses for "us" in the future
One of the things Ive learned now is that I just need to listen. I use to interrupt and try and "fix" everything. Now I realize she just wants someone to listen to her.
Day by day I learn more. That's what I will continue to do

[RSG]

CBT I looked up that book, thinking I might have something in common with you there. However, I looked up the reviews on Amazon and saw a bunch of divorced women crowing about how the author convinced them to divorce. Eek!

I guess I have looked at her more as W and Mother rather than an individual sometimes, but I didn't start getting more controlling until she was engaging in behaviors that were destructive and inappropriate. I'm still reading about Mars/Venus and my therapist recommended Gottman so I've got plenty of reading to do!

As for listening, I too was Mr Fix it. I still don't get it lol. If you'll just listen to what I'm telling you, you'll no longer have the problem ha. Seriously though, I've started to just listen as well. No commentary, solutions or anything just be there, pay close attention and follow along. It makes women feel loved. Huge 180 for me.