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Old POST1;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641367#Post2641367

Old Post2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645974#Post2645974
Old Post 3:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649539&page=1

Old Post 4:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2688794&page=1


Recap sitch is in my signature. D filed by STBX in late Jan.
Went thru therapy again for a few months prior but she was checked out. Blames me for the worlds problems and that I dissapeared for years and left her lonely. I took ownership for issues in the R but she would not....
Could not confirm but knew there was sometihng going on either EA/PA.
To this day she is still denying PA but I know for sure there is one....

I am moving out (which sounds strange doesn't it as most cheaters move out) for the best situation for my d7.
-------------------------------


So I am about a 3 weeks away from being out on my own with shared custody D7. It is a strange and lonely feeling packing up stuff and that it is so real right now. Went thru some pictures again and lost it. Such good times and while i know how we got here, not sure why it got here so fast in terms of D except she loves this other guy or just continues to think I am wrong.

The Anger Spew continues. I was controlling , manipulating, absent....etc....and while she continues to deny the PA, I do catch her posting stuff on social media about random articles that seem to validate her cheating. That me being "absent" in her mind and her being lonely is/was license to have an affiar and she is "clean".

Its super hard for me now on the cusp of packing up stuff to not flip back n forth on wishing we were togther and repairing our relationship. But like so many others here there is too much damage done. I want more, I deserve more and would never treat someone I love this way so I try to bury those feelings super deep.

Hoping for a new begging in August!


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Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
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Originally Posted By: rich4j
I was controlling , manipulating, absent...


rich4j,

If it's any consolation, my wife keeps telling me that I'm five times more evil than that rich4j guy. So there!

I'm sorry things are so rough for you. Seeing old pictures, birthday cards and Valentine's Day cards really brings back memories of good times; back when you never could've imagined that it'd come to an end.

I know it's tough; hang in there.

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Hey rich4j

The moving is tough but somehow you will get it done. Its ok to look at those cards and photos but don't dwell on them. Pack them up and get to the next box. Try to get as much packed now as you can. Have boxes stacked ready for you to go. Make a list of what you need to buy and start buying some stuff now. make sure you have the necessities like TP, soap and food. Set up you kids room first. The rest you can figure out when you are moved and don't have your kid there with you. Have someone visit you at your new place the first time you will be there alone. Start making it your own, put up lots of pictures of you and your kid. Make an effort to say hi to your neighbors.

This is not what you ever wanted but your going to make the best of this. You are going to feel some confidence in the fact you are going to be fully in charge of your life. You are going to answer to only you.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
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thx V

Starting to secretly pack stuff up. We haven't had the D7 talk which is coming probably 2 weeks before the move .....

What's cool is I have week from closing to official move so i can bring stuff over here and there. D7 will be on vaca with STBX when I move

But I will take her there to see what room she wants, colors to paint, what we will plant in the garden and keeping fingers/toes crossed she is excited!!!

My inventory list is done. Using it to negotiate what I am taking with me wiht STBX which has not gone well. She actually is so in a fog that she is fighting me on the smallest things. Her BIKE! which STBX has never helped her even with! I move on and will buy her a new bike

We had a "brawl" the other night one a pet topic which turned into a cheating topic. It went so far as her restating all the bad things I did that blew up our relationship. She continues to even mix up how many years this happened! It is now kind of comical...."the last 4 years"....."the last 5 years"...."the last 6 years". I said....can you get this straight??? Is it 4, 5, 6? And went so far as to say I was cheating and having sex with others. I did say I wish that was true as I would be smiling more but :-)

She also shot me a few nasty emails today about the relationship. I had a great email tee'd up to respond back to the spew to defend myself but kept it in the drafts and probably will die a slow death there...


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
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Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?

I continue to read saddening stories here and whether it is the WAH or WAW it seems to be a sickness. Now...I don't dare say that there isn't responsiblity all around the relationship and many times it isn't 50/50, but it just is driving me crazy about how my STBX hasn't just "moved on". And by that I mean not point out with every fight or discussion that goes sour between us while we are still co habitating finding a little nugget to point out that "yeah...that is another reason we are getting divorced....cuz you did this n that."

Me....I don't point that stuff out anymore unless i am playing defense and still usually just walk away at this point. I am cold to that game and having to defend myself as i am good with what i have tried in terms of rekindling or salvaging our R and family. guilt is a horrible thing I guess....


Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me

She actually is the one who is constantly looking for admiration and one of the biggest issues I have had with her that has pushed me away is her inability to handle any criticism from anyone. Constantly in battles and drama and has the "no i didn't" and "not my fault" disease....blaming others....


(Narcassist: Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.)

I can only hope I can put up with her for the sake of my daughter and keep things civil as we raise her. My daughter will lean towards the WAW initially as we split houses and I can only hope she sees through all of this as she grows.


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
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Originally Posted By: rich4j
Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me


rich4j,

I think the WS does seem to have need to vilify the LBS. I assume that makes it easier for the WS to justify their actions and behavior. I'd bet Cadet could provide much better insight regarding vilification of the LBS.

My wife told me that I was a psychopath and a narcissist. So I guess that makes me a narcissistic psychopath or a psychopathic narcissist. Either way, I am a very bad man.

We went to MC and I told the therapist what my wife said and she said, "Certainly not!" Did that matter? Nope! She insisted that, at minimum, I was a narcissist. I asked my wife if a narcissist would be a good dad (my wife has always said that I'm an awesome dad). She said I was only being a good dad so that "everyone could see" what a good dad I am. Huh? Really?

Anytime we'd buy a new vehicle, I'd always let her have the new vehicle. She currently drives a big SUV with all the bells and whistles. I asked her, "If I were a narcissist would I be driving a 2009 Altima?" That seemed to stymie her for a bit.

My doctor (general practitioner) says that she's projecting. That may be the case, I don't know. I don't give any credence to anything my SBTXW says so it doesn't really matter and I think other people see the truth as well; I don't try to mop up behind her swath of lies. I don't have to say anything, she just digs a deeper hole for herself. C'est la vie STBXW.

If it helps, rich4j, my sons saw through the BS very quickly. My youngest son is particularly livid about it. On the Fourth of July he said to me "everything she says is a lie." I've never said anything like that about her; it was his own conclusion.

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Hey rich4j,

I think is well known scrip here. Rewrite history, you are the bad guy, it justifies the split up.

For me it got past that point where W would just give up on the blame game. It did not matter, she would take all blame, she did not care just wanted out of the MR.

So I guess you two may get to that point. past the blame game as it does not matter as the MR is ending regardless in W eyes.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
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Originally Posted By: rich4j

Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?


Rich,

Mine has done the same as yours, blamed me for everything.

Originally Posted By: rich4j

I continue to read saddening stories here and whether it is the WAH or WAW it seems to be a sickness. Now...I don't dare say that there isn't responsiblity all around the relationship and many times it isn't 50/50, but it just is driving me crazy about how my STBX hasn't just "moved on". And by that I mean not point out with every fight or discussion that goes sour between us while we are still co habitating finding a little nugget to point out that "yeah...that is another reason we are getting divorced....cuz you did this n that."

Me....I don't point that stuff out anymore unless i am playing defense and still usually just walk away at this point. I am cold to that game and having to defend myself as i am good with what i have tried in terms of rekindling or salvaging our R and family. guilt is a horrible thing I guess....


Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me

She actually is the one who is constantly looking for admiration and one of the biggest issues I have had with her that has pushed me away is her inability to handle any criticism from anyone. Constantly in battles and drama and has the "no i didn't" and "not my fault" disease....blaming others....


(Narcassist: Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.)

I can only hope I can put up with her for the sake of my daughter and keep things civil as we raise her. My daughter will lean towards the WAW initially as we split houses and I can only hope she sees through all of this as she grows.


Mine has also called me a narcissist.

I wonder if your W went to the same school or read the same books as they were planning their exit strategy. Hang in there. My sitch may be a little farther along than yours. I can tell you that days will get better and less confusing. Mine is still deep in the fog and continues to be selfish to put herself before her family.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
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Gents, I have had all this too. WW moved out with D8 and S6. You are not a narcissist - you are the LBH and she needs to make you look bad. They all have a story. It's bulls!!t. It is there to justify their actions - because they know they look bad. On good days I think - she is not 'her' and I feel sorry for her. On bad days I just feel so, so hurt. Today was a bad day. But the sun is coming out again!!! wink

We all need to get to the stage of not giving a sh!t what 'she' does or thinks. If she was some 'random' girl would you care? No! Problem is she IS some random girl as your wife (the woman you married) is a different person and you know that.

Hard bit is having to keep 2 journeys alive and being happy with either. "Reconciliation" and "separation/divorce". It feels like she is in control, totally, and this gives you a lack of control and extreme anxiety at times. However, if you GAL and make yourself happy no matter what the outcome - you are in control. You control your happiness and she has no control, because you are happy and you don't get absorbed in what she feels, what she is up to etc.

Guys it's cr@ppy I know. But there needs to be a bit of positive self talk and getting those b@lls back...

When she labels you - she is gaslighting mostly I expect. I found my WW did this (narcissist, passive aggressive you name it). I found so many parallels in her behavior and the labels she attempted to give me. Why, I think it works like this. This of the school bully. The school bully makes you feel "worthless" - he wants to bully you to make you feel this. Actually, the life of the school bully is dysfunctional. He is bullied by his alcoholic Dad who calls him "worthless" etc. The bully is actually (pre-bullying) the one who is hurt and [feels] worthless. I have a theory that when the angry spouse offers you these labels - she sometimes actually describing her how she is behaving.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
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Hey I agree with the keeping two journeys alive being hard. It also not sustainable long term or healthy to keep both going long term.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
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All

thx for the responses...major GAL'ing with d7 last few days which was great and does play into what Surfer said about doing your thing and ignoring the spew

Yeah...got to move past it all. But I have been bullied in the past from her in terms of not DB;ing initially and basically excepting fault for many things and her for none

I do feel the need to "set the record straight" but yeah...what does it matter anyway? I do think deep inside she knows shes a cheater, wrong and has major issues. Why else would she continue to shoot arrows?

Its funny but it only bothers me in the realm of wanting her to realize her issues but I think they all (whether the H or W) have this "disease" and head in sand approach to their new lifestyle.


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D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
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All....thx for all your input/advice

And its scary how similar the stories are with the STBX's and WAW/H's...ugh. Yes...she is still a bully and continues to lash out at me about here is what was wrong with our marriage.

I fall into the mental trap of thinking that she actually still cares and is spewing this constantly because she stiil loves me, wants me and is bitter that it didn't work out. Wouldn't she just ignore me if she didn't care anymore? I do snap out of that train of thought pretty quickly though as things usually get nasty or I push on and hit the ignore button in my head after a few days....realizing she is just validating her decision/feelings

The 2 paths/journies are hard and impossible to navigate. (R or divorce/separation) My path has been chosen for me which is the latter and will hopefully be over in the next 2-4 months.

I am continuing to see my IC every few weeks for sanity sake and to try to improve and review my issues that lead to the D. As well as keep my head up. We had to put down our dog and it was so hard heightened by this situation..it just brought up so much in the memory bank and great times with the family/dog. And the upcoming daughter talk about divorce and my move....its like "pile on the monkey".... I just can't wait to come out the other side!


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Rich,

It gets better.

The worst was when I was still with EX-WW in the same house. I see kids struggling now, as I get better. But I put on my oxygen mask first, and now am able to help the kids.

The farther I get away from the marriage, I see how broken my EX-WW is. How much work would be needed on her part. I have always known I needed to fix my side of the street... it's just that I WANTED to fix hers as well. I have gotten better at my personal focus. You will as well.

It helps to have my EX-WW's texts on mute - when they come in, I don't know. I respond when I have time and look at the phone later in the day. I set a boundary that she will never set foot in my condo, and that I do not want to talk with her face to face. It has stopped quite a bit of the spew. I pick up the kids by pulling the car up to the curb, and the kids jump in, or she drops them off in front of the condo.

Also, with time, I have realized I have trust issues. I will need time to heal the wound. The wound hurts still, esp. when I leave the kids for the 5 day stretch. Once the wound is healed, talking with her in person might be possible. The scar will always remain. My forgiving her will be when the scar is left, but the wound it closed.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
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wow Trumpet..that is a quick D ...I could only hope mine accelerates as she is burning $$$ for lawyers.

Goood input. As I get thru this heated part of the exit, it is painfully clear how she has such blinders on her issues. I know mine..continue to find areas I could have been stronger and fixed but she has zero faults.

I am with you in for the near term having zero interaction with her. We have another dog that will be part of the mix that I am trying to keep with me so all I have to do is pick my D7 at the bus and really never cross paths too much.

My wounds are wide open as she continues to lie and I just want honesty. I know what I know and that she dismisses the truth which will prevent me from being open to any sort of relationship.


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Been a week since last post as alot of things have happened.

We went from having the most hateful back n forth with both of us really just hurting each other with barbs to the next day actually sitting down and talking about things and alot of what went wrong as putting our dog down hit us both pretty hard all of a sudden.

It strangely calmed things down and it almost represented the loss of not only a loved dog but the end of our relationship. Our talk over drinks was civil and still alot of blame being thrown my way but I stood tall and actually shocked her on my not backing down on areas she didn't deliver as my wife and why it pushed me away Felt good to get that out! She said some strange things to I think almost bait me in terms of thinking anything about reconciling. That she still has feelings for me and probably will end up crying in a corner months from now on this decision. I didn't go for the hook and just said...yup...that could happen.

I am moving out starting next week and I think this next phase of life will be a challenge with getting on with things and not feeling lonely. I know many of you have gone through this phase and are now where it is too quiet at home now going from family to just family sometimes.

We finally had the daughter talk and it surprised me. We decided to not blame and be very upbeat about it as I am still within a short drive or even walk. Her initial reaction was not what i expected as she wasn't sad. I think since we have bascially been acting like an inhouse separation for 6+ months...she is used to it. She did say it will be good since we won't be fighting anymore (I held my breath on that one). Amazing how she has picked that up and I can only hope it hasn't hurt her.

I GAL'd alot this past week and ended up running into an old girlfriend from 20 yrs ago that I let get away. It felt good to have interest from her as she is divorced but we both agreed that I am in no shape to head down that trail. Although we did agree to grab dinner in a few weeks :-)


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Rich,

Drive by check in to see how you are doing.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
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S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
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Originally Posted By: rich4j

Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?

No, they don't. Mine did not do a number of things in common here. What made me switch away from the M problems and primary concern w/ the A over to an MLC type understanding. She blamed herself fully and completely and only accepted my part of blame once I admitted to having a drug addiction (I'm clean now if you don't follow my posts). WW now refers to it as mostly her, but I did damage too, and even then this is not common for me to hear. Nope, she owns it (tapping my chin and saying"now if she would only fix it")

Originally Posted By: Surfer
We all need to get to the stage of not giving a sh!t what 'she' does or thinks. If she was some 'random' girl would you care? No! Problem is she IS some random girl as your wife (the woman you married) is a different person and you know that.


I think Surfer's quote got overlooked - I did not see anyone really run with it. What he said is 100% true. You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W. Being a teenager sucked for 3 reasons - no self confidence, your body was changing quickly, and you felt like your freedom was limited. And your WW is not like this....? Of course she is.

Rich4j - you are moving out and packing. I will say what I did when I moved into my own place is not for everybody, but this is what I did. I sold all that sht on Craigs List. Bedroom set, tables, kitchen appliances that I have no idea what they do, everything she did not want, I sold it. And I kept the money to pay my 1st month rent. Obviously I had to keep a couple things initially, but have been replacing over time. Very little joint use stuff left and I wanted her to see - it does suggest that one has their own ideas and style. All the I love you stuff - majority to the trash. The really good stuff like wedding albums or the amazing card gotten for a birthday one year - that stuff is consolidated into a box and I do not look at it. If things don't reconcile one day, that box goes to the trash. If we do reconcile I give her the box for her to make a decision on what to do with it. That was my catharsis. For months it was painful enough that I had her in my head everyday, I did not need to eat with the forks we got as a wedding present. Again, this was me and I fully understand why others would not want to have to spend money to replace good items, but I felt like I had to.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
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Originally Posted By: CT1118
You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W.


I never tried very hard to classify my W into WAW, WW or MLC but ... I was just thinking this evening, Where the hell did my W go? She's just unrecognizable. All this time that we were married, all the time that she was kind, tender and gentle with me ... was this person underneath it all, wanting to come out? Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
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Stupid question, if.when you receive these accusatory rants in the form of an email do you even bother to reply (ie-validate the hurt/pain and maybe pull together a few counterpoints)?

Do you stay dark?

Received a doozy of an email today along these exact lines and trying to navigate the next step.


W:51 M:50
T:19 yrs M: 17 yrs
S15 S11
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.



This is the part of my situation that generally confuses me, I read here often how the wives look good, posting about their new lifestyle yet mine does none of that. When I see her, she doesn't look anywhere near as good as she can. Looks like she cutting her own hair etc. I haven't seen her in any new clothes. It's weird..

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Originally Posted By: ForGump
Originally Posted By: CT1118
You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W.


I never tried very hard to classify my W into WAW, WW or MLC but ... I was just thinking this evening, Where the hell did my W go? She's just unrecognizable. All this time that we were married, all the time that she was kind, tender and gentle with me ... was this person underneath it all, wanting to come out? Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.


Everyone walks their own path and learns in their own way. I have a learning disability in the form of ADHD, I have succeeded in life despite this, but for me the desire to have something make sense can become overwhelming. Thus, the need for category became very important to my healing. It also helped me understand that when person is in a midlife crisis, this is a form of mental collapse and it will not make sense-not to me, not to her, certainly not to anyone I know except my IC and those of you here. This understanding helped me finally begin detachment.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
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Originally Posted By: CT1118
Thus, the need for category became very important to my healing...


Actually, I do believe that identifying WAS vs. WW vs. MLC is a useful exercise, and I would like to do that myself. I mean, I sort of did it in my mind as I read DR and the posts here but the answer, in my case, wasn't very obvious. I think I need to give it another try. Any tips for distinguishing WAS vs. WW vs. MLC when W's behavior isn't so clear cut?


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
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rich4j Offline OP
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Sorry for the lack of responses and thanks for the input/posts ....

I have been slammed with work and figuring out my life and move. The range of emotions in the last few weeks has been overwhelming.

We had to put our beloved dog down who was our first kid. It was symbolic to me of the passing of our relationship too. It brought us closer together for a brief few days and we opened up to each other alot more on what went wrong. While she still throws blame at me it was good to stand firm and let her know where she went wrong.

Second big emotional hit was telling our D7. She took it better than we did and I was so proud of her. I know it will hit her when she figures this out a bit more but no tears and just questions that were reasonable. I am so damn proud of her. It's all I care about right now besides me getting to a better place.

With the move coming up this weekend reality has hit us both. Splitting up evrything for good and me actually moving stuff over there now before the movers come was nuts. I walked around my new place and felt a sigh of relief but a cloud of loneliness. Normal I guess....

She has flipped from spewing angry texts at me (I don't respond much besides Ok or whatever) to crying her eyes out in her bedroom (I hear her sometimes). She was balling today as she said this is so hard for her blah blah blah. She was leaving for vacation while I move with D7 and we hugged and cried a bit together. I think reality has hit her...and while I want to think she still loves me and wants me back (some day) I have to bury that stuff and harden the heart.

I did tell her I love her and that I hope she finds happiness. I take the high road...for now as I think its the best path for me. We will continue to fight over the divorce finances and it probably will flip back to ugly. But i have decided to state a few things and then just be very distant moving forward except for dealing with our daughter. I stated I do love her, I want her to find what she is looking for but understand and validated how confused I think she has been for months. And I am working on forgiveness but am looking forward to finding my happy place. I think I shocked her with my openness and truthfulness.


I hope to overcome the loneliness factor of her not being there ..and that doesn't get replaced in the near term with a new girlfriend etc...its the bond we shared.

I can only hope that being apart, moving our divorce forward, and each of us finding our way leads us to a better place. Whatever that place ends up being...


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
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Well its been 2 days in the new place. And thank goodness I have a dog as I would be talking to myself all day while I try to get the place in living shape! So much to do to start over as it pisses me off that I am the one who left but once again i was doing the "nice guy/right thing"

Got some good neighbors and shuttled back n forth to my old place to get some things I forgot. STBX is away with D7 for the week and man is it lonely.

I guess just even having a spewing STBX in the house made it less lonely at least from a physical perspective and of course D7 and the dog (our other passed).

I talk with D7 daily at night and I makes me super happy. I showed some friends my new place after a dinner/drink evening out which they loved and thought it would be good to host a little moving in party in a few weeks...didn't even think about it but it would be fun I need to GAL more now that i am out of the house with her to keep my mind moving in the right direction

It is now when I am physically gone from her that I have to try to stay strong. I find myself thinking "WTF" and that she started to come out of this fog before I moved crying alot....but.....as I read others who post in a similar situation it seems we all have this "HOPE" button that we keep pressing and want magic to happen.

I can't hit that button. After this past year I want more and deserve it....an equal or at least closer to equal relationship in terms of respect and love. I don't like the "take it day by day" saying but it seems all I can do at this point and enjoy the ride best possible.


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rich - the similarities of your sitch and others to mine are unreal. That is what makes this community so great is the bond of parallel. it is true to try and live in the present moment and not get tangled up in the past or the future (it just leads to disheartenment). as I read your sitch and others its like we are living the same experience only mutated by small factors. you deserve better - we all deserve better- to be loved and treated with kindness and respect. remember that they are the ones who walked away and lacked the commitment to the R/M. its easy to beat ourseleves up but better to try and focus on the positive and our new paths


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I hear ya. It is hard though.....its easy to relapse into a sadder state but I am sure with time things do get better

Scary how similar so many of our stories are and I feel like mine is one of the more sane ones if that is possible


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
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Hi rich, just stopping by to see how you are doing with your new place. hope all is well


Me: 48 WAW:40
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Rich,

Been gone, living life for a few weeks. Proud of you man. Yes, I've felt the loneliness. It gets better. Fill your days, work on the place, play with the dog. Make a bucket list. Plan your life. Force yourself to look to the horizon, not at your feet, or on the path you trod to get to the place you're standing.

I have been able to let go of much of the anger of the ex. I even talked with her face to face last week, short but sweet, just talked about D7. Moving on is hard - the first step is the hardest.

You are grieving the loss of the marriage. It's what you HAVE to do to move on. Some bury the grief in drugs, some bury it in another relationship. Just realize you have to grieve, and you'll feel better in time.

Keep posting!


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
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thanks Trumpet for checking in. Hope your path you are leading down is getting better as it sounds like you made a big step forward with the anger piece

Anger was boiling up when I was having to buy tons of things for the house. And she can just live life as if. I did have an interaction with her for our first hand off of our daughter which won't happen much in the future as we have it worked out where I will take /get her from school and not deal with her

It was weird. She was crying as she walked away so Daughter didn't see it. I felt nothing for stbx crying...it was very strange. I was sad for my daughter but just kind of "indifferent" to her emotions. Seems like a phase in this process

I was contacted via Fbook by one of her best friends husband. I didn't accept his invite as I suspect there is some reason for him reaching out to me. I don't want to know anything from him or that he is sad for me or any info at alll. I really like the dude as a friend but can't go there. No reason to open up any other doors as I am shutting down what I can.

Its great to have D7 with me for a few days. She doesn't care the house is in tatters...Did say can we go back to our other house to sleep? I had to explain what and why not...it hurt a bit but she will get used to it. I know she wants us back together as she asked if I will move back at any time and I said no but I will do whatever I can to keep above this and in her presence show the smile and not be angry/bitter. Its what needs to be done

Being honest I do miss her (stbx) but not sure what parts/pieces I am missing anymore. I don't know if its "her" or "my wife/family" if that makes sense.


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
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I still say wife, and then correct myself and say ex-wife. Happened today again. Ugh. People who've been though it tell me to give myself a break. I try.

I've been filling time at the gym and with friends - telling my story or filling in the story I told previously. It feels good. Some are more interested than others. Some just don't know what to say, so they bounce around on subjects. I can see why. I don't think about ex-wife much. Some moments here and there where I just think 'why?'... but I'm not in control of that ship. I trust God will help me, and keep the waters smooth in front of me. He's given me much to be thankful for so far after the D.

Rich, I'm sure STBXW is cracking. She had to sometime. My Ex isn't cracking - she's enjoying winning. In her mind, she has won. Alas, it was a Pyrrhic victory. Time will teach her that lesson - I cannot.

One thing I've learned is that I was held in high regard to her when we married. I was to be her white knight, her super-hero. I never was, but I was placed on that pedestal.
I no longer garner any respect in her eyes. I am a monster, an addict, and a wife abuser. All of it is false, but it needs to be true to her to give reason and justification for her actions and feelings.

Keep working. Keep moving. Keep posting. Talk with you soon.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
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Hey Rich,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. You are too now in the same sitch as me living separate. It does get better. Some how it just does. Bit by bit and you will hardly notice.

Its so important to keep the focus on you and your child. That is what matters now as you make a new life in your new place.

Keep posting.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
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My ring off Feb 2015
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Hi Rich, vise is right to focus on us and our children, even though we find ourselves thinking about WAW this is normal as we have invested a lot of time with them. I had this notion in my mind that once married it was forever (death do us part) and have to realize what I want vs what I need. My relationship with WAW was not great the last few years but I was willing ot suck it up for the sake of my family and d. We didn't fight or argue it was just a lack...
I grew up in a single parent household so I was determined for d not to have the same, but look where we are...
Things will get better, just keep working on you and taking great care of d.


Me: 48 WAW:40
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rich4j Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: trumpet


Rich, I'm sure STBXW is cracking. She had to sometime. My Ex isn't cracking - she's enjoying winning. In her mind, she has won. Alas, it was a Pyrrhic victory. Time will teach her that lesson - I cannot.
.


Trumpet-thx....it's funny in a weird way but she is cracking. It's been a year of hell for me and now she is texting me how she was crying on vacation and is having such a hard time emotionally with the divorce. I guess moving was reality for her. I only texted back validation of her feelings ..yes its hard....and then back to business about our daughter

V & Poschan..thx for the notes of encouragement. I think we are all down the same road and have the same ups and downs.

I know this sounds bad but I am happy she is having such a hard time now. I hope it actually gets harder for her as I really feel she is starting to wake up from her year long fog of wanting to split up and never realizing that it takes 2 to tango and she actually has some skin in the game for why we had our issues.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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I really don't have much for feelings for the ex. Do you Rich?

I cry over the marriage, my failures in it, and for the kids. The roller coaster doesn't end at D, BTW. Just be ready. It does get easier. I think mourning the loss of the marriage is healthy and promotes the healing I need, if I ever get into another relationship.

I was headed into a relationship over the last couple weeks, and it felt good to feel wanted again. However, everyone has baggage, and sometimes that baggage trips up people. Going to be interesting dating down the road. The bags when you're in your 20's are a heck of a lot smaller than they are in your 40's.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
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Trumpet- unfortunately I do some days and then some days I don't. If I am honest with myself it is a bi product of the anguish she put me thru this past year. She is struggling now about her decision but that is natural I guess and one of the many stages of divorce.

I am the same with the family aspect and my daughter..would love to have our family back together but at this point not just for the sake of being a family. I need more and would want more from her than I think she can give and that she could admit she needs work on. I have worked on myself throughout this ordeal and feel I know myself alot better and what I need to do in a relationship to improve communication and what I need.

Glad you are wanted! it does feel good..I have a former girlfriend I dated 20 years ago I ran into at the beach that we are casually going out on dates but with it known we both have baggage and I am not ready for anything but a nice date.


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Rich, just stopping by to check up on your situation and provide some support bud. I completely understand that the in house S thing is a complete downer. Still grinding through that myself, and probably will be for another few months at least.

It sounds like you're in a better spot now that you're getting settled into the new place though. Interesting to hear that your W is the one starting to go through emotional swings. It's amazing our Ws have no perception of what their actions are going to cause at the start of these things.

Not a lot of advice to provide as you are ahead of me in the process, but here to support you. Stay strong and keep pushing where your pushing brother!


Me39
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thx lt for stopping by as i will get caught up on your sitch.

Yes...its much better being out of there but as I have posted to others in similar situations, it is lonely. Only when my d7 and dog aren't here.....
I do have so much to get done with the house that there isn't time to breath....

But I have bouts of sadness and gladness. I will use this time to really really really figure out if I miss her at this point ....or really miss the relationship/family

There is a huge difference. I have taken to heart some of the advice that the divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't phase me anymore....I just have to know what my true feelings are regardless of what she thinks or feels for me to move on to the next chapter.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
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Its been a few days without D7 and really my first weekend alone in the house w/out a ton of plans. I met a friend for HH friday and then a friend came to town to help me decorate...she is much better than I am at putting a house together.

I struggled alot the last 3 days. The ups and downs. My STBX has been communicating a bit via text just around some D7 stuff

I feel as she has hooked me back in with the recent "I am struggling so much right now the Divorce" stuff. I let myself think she may finally be waking up, which maybe she is, from her last 12 months of checking out and never checking back in. And that she really is starting to miss me....

It [censored]. I felt like I was starting to pull away and do alot better in my path towards figuring this all out. I went back and read some others threads and it seems its a common theme too of the "hope" that something is still there when the STBX shows a glimpse of light. And we run towards that light but the truth may be just that it means nada. That it is just really that she does miss me but still doesn't mean she loves me anymore or there is any future.

I think I know in my heart that is the fact but once again it brought me back down a bit.

Its hard to go totally dark on her and just carry on with the custody schedule and the back n forth. I am going to have to try to manage this better so I can isolate myself more from her to be able to stay in the positive zone versus the latter. Any good thoughts or recommendations welcomed....


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Married for 10 years
D7
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Hi Rich, just checking in...it's tough being alone at first but then I remember my days before WAW and everything was ok then. I still get sad and lonely but for me it's more about not seeing d8 every day. However, on the days she is with me we try to do alot of activities...even if its just going to the pool or playing in the yard. I'm not sure how I feel about WAW anymore, I seem to be numb. A friend of mine recently told me to stick to the actual facts instead of what my mind thinks...this has helped me to focus somewhat and realize the issues of the R and who walked away (not sure if I will ever know why).
Focus on the facts, examine your thoughts for negatives and purge...
Stay positive, we got this brother!


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Hey Rich! how are you doing?


Me: 48 WAW:40
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Yep, how goes it brother? Been awhile since we've gotten an update


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Poschan/LT0402

thx for checking in....been doing OK! Its been over a month on my own and I am finding peace in the "peace" at least in the physical sense of the word. While we still live super close, I keep my distance and only interact when needed.

The online/text/email stuff still has continued to be really bad from her. She believes she is a lawyer and it has gotten super nasty. She has a bad case of ADD that she won't address so she will email things, forget about them, twist the facts and mess up things with the custody schedule. It gets tiring and after just a short period of time has become un manageable. My lawyer believes this will have to go to court to get her in the right place. It also is impacting my work so need to figure out a better plan

My D7 is a dream as she is still adjusting but doing it well. She loves the new place and we are making it our own. I keep things positive and ask her to make sure she takes care of mommy too.

I "believe" her OM/PA that she would not ever admit to broke up with her when I was moving out causing her to go off the deep end. Had real issues with me moving and the physical separation from what i heard from some joint friends but I don't really care at this point what she feels or goes thru.

I have read some folks who are in the process of getting thru the same thing on the boards and have posted a little bit lately and I think I am getting to the "I don't care for her " anymore stage. Actually have a date next week ...old girlfriend from 20+ years ago...just a friendly dinner where we reconnected after seeing each other out a month ago.

So things are OK....still got a nasty stretch to go on the divorce to make it official (finances not straightened out), starting to get comfortable on my own and being solo and GAL'ing more, and most important my daughter is adjusting well for now. That was my biggest fear and I am crushing that fear and issue day by day and won't let it pop its head up at all. It is my mission that although my STBX ruined the family, she won't ruin "my family" and relationship wiht my daughter.


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Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
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ugh, sorry to hear about the nasty part...it's bad enough as it is without having to endure the ugliness...
glad to hear D7 is adjusting well. my d8 has had some issues lately with separation when dropping her off at school and other activities and it just makes me angry when I see her struggling. WAW says "you cant blame it all on D". the cynicism has been strong in me lately and I have to catch myself when it happens.
hope the date is fun and good for you brother.
I like the reminder that WAW will not ruin the family that is with our d's


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Hi Rich, how are ya?


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P- hanging in there. Was reading up on dropping the rope etc....and I am getting there I think.

Working through the divorce stuff is taxing but will continue to at least read posts on the newcomers and give advice where possible on my experiences but may fly over to the other board as things get wrapped up in a few months I hope!

I am trying to work to get to a place where I don't care anymore. And what I mean by that is more about not having "disgust" or "anger" towards the STBX versus any positive feelings. I actually have worked with my IC and struggle with not being disgusted about her behavior. Her lying, spewing, blaming and her poor communication with me which is like a child who has been drinking red bull sprinkled with ADD is hard for me to deal with....trying to move past it for my daughters sake

But the feelings are gone in terms of any positive. So moving on with my life...been GAL'ing and actually started "cautiously" dating. And when I say dating...I mean a SLOW walk down that trail. A dinner every now & then ....but the future is bright. I am getting there ...


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Married for 10 years
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Glad to hear that you are moving forward! I am in the same boat re: trying to stop the negative feelings toward WAW- I think it harms me and pulls me down. What are your insights on dropping the rope?
I hope you find someone who truly cherishes who you are without any dishonesty and hidden agendas.


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Originally Posted By: rich4j

I am trying to work to get to a place where I don't care anymore. And what I mean by that is more about not having "disgust" or "anger" towards the STBX versus any positive feelings. I actually have worked with my IC and struggle with not being disgusted about her behavior. Her lying, spewing, blaming and her poor communication with me which is like a child who has been drinking red bull sprinkled with ADD is hard for me to deal with....trying to move past it for my daughters sake


I find myself wondering if we ever get to a point where we don't care. It may be that we reach a stage where we're able to see their behavior for what it is and forgive them for it. Effectively recognize it and have compassion for them. I don't know. It seems like if we didn't care then we'd almost be like robots unemotionally processing information. Doesn't sound very pleasant, though it's probably a lot less stressful! smile

Originally Posted By: rich4j
So moving on with my life...been GAL'ing and actually started "cautiously" dating. And when I say dating...I mean a SLOW walk down that trail. A dinner every now & then ....but the future is bright. I am getting there ...


This is both awesome and fairly scary at first I'd assume. I like the fact that you're taking it slow as opposed to jumping in head first. I can't imagine what it'd be like going out on the first few dates w/ someone. Glad to hear that you're progressing down that path though rich! Keep it up brother!


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thx LT....got to catch up on your latest tonight when I have some time. I know you had some stressful goings on with your WAW ....hope your legal counsel is giving you good advice

Funny thing happened as she stopped by yesterday to drop stuff off. She started to cry as she hasn't seen my place. I didn't really have any emotions for her except that I hope she is OK for the sake of my daughter. She is a mess...similar to what I was 6 months ago when this got real. So I don't feel bad...strange. Caught her in a bunch of lies too as she continues to hide she never had a PA....even though I think it is defunct.

Had a dinner with an old girlfriend last week. It was awesome as we just talked for 2 straight hours and didn't miss a beat. She is also divorced...just don't want her to be the rebound woman :-) But I am mentally not that ready for anything right now except some good friendship and some dates...we will see how that goes!


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Rich,

Just checking in to see how you are doing?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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JK

thanks for checking in. I haven't been journaling or posting much anymore on myself as I may move over the divorced thread but continue to like to try to comment on others to see whre I can help out from where I went wrong and what i have gained from this site

2 months solo in my house and I love it. Yes...some days are lonely when no dog and daughter. I was doing great with GAL'ing but have a weekend with a saturday night alone which I haven't done in years so looking forward to watching some football and continuing to fix up the house

Continue to battle with the STBX on the dumbest things. She can't communicate and forgets things alot so the planning stuff for my daughter has become so difficult that I have gotten our lawyers involved. Simple Simple things she screws up and says "did you forget" and I show her the texts and emails and its like "are you drinking all day?"

I believe she is dating which isn't a surprise to me as I she cheated on me, lied, denied it to this day and I found out the guy broke up with her. I don't know if you will get there Jim but I have gone from missing her to anger and now just don't care. There is a bit of disgust as she isn't the person i married.....she has turned into a selfish imp.

I really know how hard it is for you with that many kids and am hoping the best for you. I am starting to do online dating which is a hoot and scary .....have a date this upcoming week. Not in a state to have any relationship which I am totally upfront and honest about frm the start. Just looking for company and some fun!


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Rich,

I like to read your posts.

I'm dealing with a very angry and bitter EX-WW. The divorce wasn't the fairy tale ending. I actually had to tell her to leave m alone, and that my biggest mistake was getting married to her. I told her it's unfortunate I still have to talk with her, and coparent, but I pledge to do my best to raise my kids right. She just calls me a hypocrite over and over. It's been 4+ months since D, and her boyfriend from Chicago moved up to Madison to be with her, and told his kids he wasn't going to see them for a long time. Great dad, huh?

Going to the same church has been tough - I'm going to be scoping out out a few in the next few months to see which one might be a decent one to move my membership to. I don't think it proper that she's leading worship with her solo instrument, knowing she's living with a married man, and she refuses to tell the kids what is happening, or others from our church. It is truly all about her.

It's tough to see your WW is still looking down cheeseless tunnels to fill her empty heart. Hang in there.


M46, EXWW46
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Trumpet- good to hear from u.

I think if we started a club many of us would have the same stories...it would be like ground hog day. It's great to hear those that can either stitch things back together or can move on and be nice to each other I fear I won't be one of them and will be in the same boat with you trumpet. I am responsible for ISIS, Trump and Hilary and global warming. Alot to shoulder :-)


Sorry to hear its still tough sledding for you but I understand the feelings you are going thru and I actually feel the same as I really don't want any interaction anymore And can understand the church issues....not sure how she even goes based on the situation...geez.



I am trying to limit any interaction which is hard with my daughter and dog


She again today messed up a handoff , was late, blamed me, got in an argument in front of my duaghter so I walked away and left. I won't be bullied , pushed around or stomped on anymore by her.

The positive is that my duaghter and I could not be closer...our bonding has increased and she loves being with me as I actually spend time with her...not just dump her in front of a tv like her mom :-) makes me sad


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Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
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ILYBNILWY 7/15
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Originally Posted By: rich4j
I am responsible for ISIS, Trump and Hilary and global warming. Alot to shoulder :-)


Now wait a second rich, I'm fairly certain my W has blamed all of the above on me. You may be off the hook! smile

Originally Posted By: rich4j

She again today messed up a handoff , was late, blamed me, got in an argument in front of my duaghter so I walked away and left. I won't be bullied , pushed around or stomped on anymore by her.


Great work rich! I think in our situations that's the best we can do. Our Ws seem to want to pick fights and escalate things. Best way to de-escalate is to let them know it's not ok and walk away if needed. No need for the added stress on D or yourself.

Originally Posted By: rich4j

The positive is that my duaghter and I could not be closer...our bonding has increased and she loves being with me as I actually spend time with her...not just dump her in front of a tv like her mom :-) makes me sad


It does suck that she does that to your D, but can't control her. What you can do is keep being an amazing dad for your D and strengthen those bonds even more!

Reading how close you are with your D now gives me so much hope for my own situation. Keep being a rock for your D rich. Our kids need us while our Ws figure out what they are doing. keep up the good stuff brother!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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