Look Forward & Ignore the Anger Spew

[CT1118]

You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W.

I never tried very hard to classify my W into WAW, WW or MLC but ... I was just thinking this evening, Where the hell did my W go? She's just unrecognizable. All this time that we were married, all the time that she was kind, tender and gentle with me ... was this person underneath it all, wanting to come out? Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.

Everyone walks their own path and learns in their own way. I have a learning disability in the form of ADHD, I have succeeded in life despite this, but for me the desire to have something make sense can become overwhelming. Thus, the need for category became very important to my healing. It also helped me understand that when person is in a midlife crisis, this is a form of mental collapse and it will not make sense-not to me, not to her, certainly not to anyone I know except my IC and those of you here. This understanding helped me finally begin detachment.

[ForGump]

Thus, the need for category became very important to my healing...

Actually, I do believe that identifying WAS vs. WW vs. MLC is a useful exercise, and I would like to do that myself. I mean, I sort of did it in my mind as I read DR and the posts here but the answer, in my case, wasn't very obvious. I think I need to give it another try. Any tips for distinguishing WAS vs. WW vs. MLC when W's behavior isn't so clear cut?

[rich4j]

Sorry for the lack of responses and thanks for the input/posts ....

I have been slammed with work and figuring out my life and move. The range of emotions in the last few weeks has been overwhelming.

We had to put our beloved dog down who was our first kid. It was symbolic to me of the passing of our relationship too. It brought us closer together for a brief few days and we opened up to each other alot more on what went wrong. While she still throws blame at me it was good to stand firm and let her know where she went wrong.

Second big emotional hit was telling our D7. She took it better than we did and I was so proud of her. I know it will hit her when she figures this out a bit more but no tears and just questions that were reasonable. I am so damn proud of her. It's all I care about right now besides me getting to a better place.

With the move coming up this weekend reality has hit us both. Splitting up evrything for good and me actually moving stuff over there now before the movers come was nuts. I walked around my new place and felt a sigh of relief but a cloud of loneliness. Normal I guess....

She has flipped from spewing angry texts at me (I don't respond much besides Ok or whatever) to crying her eyes out in her bedroom (I hear her sometimes). She was balling today as she said this is so hard for her blah blah blah. She was leaving for vacation while I move with D7 and we hugged and cried a bit together. I think reality has hit her...and while I want to think she still loves me and wants me back (some day) I have to bury that stuff and harden the heart.

I did tell her I love her and that I hope she finds happiness. I take the high road...for now as I think its the best path for me. We will continue to fight over the divorce finances and it probably will flip back to ugly. But i have decided to state a few things and then just be very distant moving forward except for dealing with our daughter. I stated I do love her, I want her to find what she is looking for but understand and validated how confused I think she has been for months. And I am working on forgiveness but am looking forward to finding my happy place. I think I shocked her with my openness and truthfulness.


I hope to overcome the loneliness factor of her not being there ..and that doesn't get replaced in the near term with a new girlfriend etc...its the bond we shared.

I can only hope that being apart, moving our divorce forward, and each of us finding our way leads us to a better place. Whatever that place ends up being...

[rich4j]

Well its been 2 days in the new place. And thank goodness I have a dog as I would be talking to myself all day while I try to get the place in living shape! So much to do to start over as it pisses me off that I am the one who left but once again i was doing the "nice guy/right thing"

Got some good neighbors and shuttled back n forth to my old place to get some things I forgot. STBX is away with D7 for the week and man is it lonely.

I guess just even having a spewing STBX in the house made it less lonely at least from a physical perspective and of course D7 and the dog (our other passed).

I talk with D7 daily at night and I makes me super happy. I showed some friends my new place after a dinner/drink evening out which they loved and thought it would be good to host a little moving in party in a few weeks...didn't even think about it but it would be fun I need to GAL more now that i am out of the house with her to keep my mind moving in the right direction

It is now when I am physically gone from her that I have to try to stay strong. I find myself thinking "WTF" and that she started to come out of this fog before I moved crying alot....but.....as I read others who post in a similar situation it seems we all have this "HOPE" button that we keep pressing and want magic to happen.

I can't hit that button. After this past year I want more and deserve it....an equal or at least closer to equal relationship in terms of respect and love. I don't like the "take it day by day" saying but it seems all I can do at this point and enjoy the ride best possible.

[poschan]

rich - the similarities of your sitch and others to mine are unreal. That is what makes this community so great is the bond of parallel. it is true to try and live in the present moment and not get tangled up in the past or the future (it just leads to disheartenment). as I read your sitch and others its like we are living the same experience only mutated by small factors. you deserve better - we all deserve better- to be loved and treated with kindness and respect. remember that they are the ones who walked away and lacked the commitment to the R/M. its easy to beat ourseleves up but better to try and focus on the positive and our new paths

[rich4j]

P

I hear ya. It is hard though.....its easy to relapse into a sadder state but I am sure with time things do get better

Scary how similar so many of our stories are and I feel like mine is one of the more sane ones if that is possible

[poschan]

Hi rich, just stopping by to see how you are doing with your new place. hope all is well

[trumpet]

Rich,

Been gone, living life for a few weeks. Proud of you man. Yes, I've felt the loneliness. It gets better. Fill your days, work on the place, play with the dog. Make a bucket list. Plan your life. Force yourself to look to the horizon, not at your feet, or on the path you trod to get to the place you're standing.

I have been able to let go of much of the anger of the ex. I even talked with her face to face last week, short but sweet, just talked about D7. Moving on is hard - the first step is the hardest.

You are grieving the loss of the marriage. It's what you HAVE to do to move on. Some bury the grief in drugs, some bury it in another relationship. Just realize you have to grieve, and you'll feel better in time.

Keep posting!

[rich4j]

thanks Trumpet for checking in. Hope your path you are leading down is getting better as it sounds like you made a big step forward with the anger piece

Anger was boiling up when I was having to buy tons of things for the house. And she can just live life as if. I did have an interaction with her for our first hand off of our daughter which won't happen much in the future as we have it worked out where I will take /get her from school and not deal with her

It was weird. She was crying as she walked away so Daughter didn't see it. I felt nothing for stbx crying...it was very strange. I was sad for my daughter but just kind of "indifferent" to her emotions. Seems like a phase in this process

I was contacted via Fbook by one of her best friends husband. I didn't accept his invite as I suspect there is some reason for him reaching out to me. I don't want to know anything from him or that he is sad for me or any info at alll. I really like the dude as a friend but can't go there. No reason to open up any other doors as I am shutting down what I can.

Its great to have D7 with me for a few days. She doesn't care the house is in tatters...Did say can we go back to our other house to sleep? I had to explain what and why not...it hurt a bit but she will get used to it. I know she wants us back together as she asked if I will move back at any time and I said no but I will do whatever I can to keep above this and in her presence show the smile and not be angry/bitter. Its what needs to be done

Being honest I do miss her (stbx) but not sure what parts/pieces I am missing anymore. I don't know if its "her" or "my wife/family" if that makes sense.

[trumpet]

I still say wife, and then correct myself and say ex-wife. Happened today again. Ugh. People who've been though it tell me to give myself a break. I try.

I've been filling time at the gym and with friends - telling my story or filling in the story I told previously. It feels good. Some are more interested than others. Some just don't know what to say, so they bounce around on subjects. I can see why. I don't think about ex-wife much. Some moments here and there where I just think 'why?'... but I'm not in control of that ship. I trust God will help me, and keep the waters smooth in front of me. He's given me much to be thankful for so far after the D.

Rich, I'm sure STBXW is cracking. She had to sometime. My Ex isn't cracking - she's enjoying winning. In her mind, she has won. Alas, it was a Pyrrhic victory. Time will teach her that lesson - I cannot.

One thing I've learned is that I was held in high regard to her when we married. I was to be her white knight, her super-hero. I never was, but I was placed on that pedestal.
I no longer garner any respect in her eyes. I am a monster, an addict, and a wife abuser. All of it is false, but it needs to be true to her to give reason and justification for her actions and feelings.

Keep working. Keep moving. Keep posting. Talk with you soon.