Look Forward & Ignore the Anger Spew

[rich4j]

All

thx for the responses...major GAL'ing with d7 last few days which was great and does play into what Surfer said about doing your thing and ignoring the spew

Yeah...got to move past it all. But I have been bullied in the past from her in terms of not DB;ing initially and basically excepting fault for many things and her for none

I do feel the need to "set the record straight" but yeah...what does it matter anyway? I do think deep inside she knows shes a cheater, wrong and has major issues. Why else would she continue to shoot arrows?

Its funny but it only bothers me in the realm of wanting her to realize her issues but I think they all (whether the H or W) have this "disease" and head in sand approach to their new lifestyle.

[rich4j]

All....thx for all your input/advice

And its scary how similar the stories are with the STBX's and WAW/H's...ugh. Yes...she is still a bully and continues to lash out at me about here is what was wrong with our marriage.

I fall into the mental trap of thinking that she actually still cares and is spewing this constantly because she stiil loves me, wants me and is bitter that it didn't work out. Wouldn't she just ignore me if she didn't care anymore? I do snap out of that train of thought pretty quickly though as things usually get nasty or I push on and hit the ignore button in my head after a few days....realizing she is just validating her decision/feelings

The 2 paths/journies are hard and impossible to navigate. (R or divorce/separation) My path has been chosen for me which is the latter and will hopefully be over in the next 2-4 months.

I am continuing to see my IC every few weeks for sanity sake and to try to improve and review my issues that lead to the D. As well as keep my head up. We had to put down our dog and it was so hard heightened by this situation..it just brought up so much in the memory bank and great times with the family/dog. And the upcoming daughter talk about divorce and my move....its like "pile on the monkey".... I just can't wait to come out the other side!

[trumpet]

Rich,

It gets better.

The worst was when I was still with EX-WW in the same house. I see kids struggling now, as I get better. But I put on my oxygen mask first, and now am able to help the kids.

The farther I get away from the marriage, I see how broken my EX-WW is. How much work would be needed on her part. I have always known I needed to fix my side of the street... it's just that I WANTED to fix hers as well. I have gotten better at my personal focus. You will as well.

It helps to have my EX-WW's texts on mute - when they come in, I don't know. I respond when I have time and look at the phone later in the day. I set a boundary that she will never set foot in my condo, and that I do not want to talk with her face to face. It has stopped quite a bit of the spew. I pick up the kids by pulling the car up to the curb, and the kids jump in, or she drops them off in front of the condo.

Also, with time, I have realized I have trust issues. I will need time to heal the wound. The wound hurts still, esp. when I leave the kids for the 5 day stretch. Once the wound is healed, talking with her in person might be possible. The scar will always remain. My forgiving her will be when the scar is left, but the wound it closed.

[rich4j]

wow Trumpet..that is a quick D ...I could only hope mine accelerates as she is burning $$$ for lawyers.

Goood input. As I get thru this heated part of the exit, it is painfully clear how she has such blinders on her issues. I know mine..continue to find areas I could have been stronger and fixed but she has zero faults.

I am with you in for the near term having zero interaction with her. We have another dog that will be part of the mix that I am trying to keep with me so all I have to do is pick my D7 at the bus and really never cross paths too much.

My wounds are wide open as she continues to lie and I just want honesty. I know what I know and that she dismisses the truth which will prevent me from being open to any sort of relationship.

[rich4j]

Been a week since last post as alot of things have happened.

We went from having the most hateful back n forth with both of us really just hurting each other with barbs to the next day actually sitting down and talking about things and alot of what went wrong as putting our dog down hit us both pretty hard all of a sudden.

It strangely calmed things down and it almost represented the loss of not only a loved dog but the end of our relationship. Our talk over drinks was civil and still alot of blame being thrown my way but I stood tall and actually shocked her on my not backing down on areas she didn't deliver as my wife and why it pushed me away Felt good to get that out! She said some strange things to I think almost bait me in terms of thinking anything about reconciling. That she still has feelings for me and probably will end up crying in a corner months from now on this decision. I didn't go for the hook and just said...yup...that could happen.

I am moving out starting next week and I think this next phase of life will be a challenge with getting on with things and not feeling lonely. I know many of you have gone through this phase and are now where it is too quiet at home now going from family to just family sometimes.

We finally had the daughter talk and it surprised me. We decided to not blame and be very upbeat about it as I am still within a short drive or even walk. Her initial reaction was not what i expected as she wasn't sad. I think since we have bascially been acting like an inhouse separation for 6+ months...she is used to it. She did say it will be good since we won't be fighting anymore (I held my breath on that one). Amazing how she has picked that up and I can only hope it hasn't hurt her.

I GAL'd alot this past week and ended up running into an old girlfriend from 20 yrs ago that I let get away. It felt good to have interest from her as she is divorced but we both agreed that I am in no shape to head down that trail. Although we did agree to grab dinner in a few weeks :-)

[J5K]

Rich,

Drive by check in to see how you are doing.

[CT1118]

Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?

No, they don't. Mine did not do a number of things in common here. What made me switch away from the M problems and primary concern w/ the A over to an MLC type understanding. She blamed herself fully and completely and only accepted my part of blame once I admitted to having a drug addiction (I'm clean now if you don't follow my posts). WW now refers to it as mostly her, but I did damage too, and even then this is not common for me to hear. Nope, she owns it (tapping my chin and saying"now if she would only fix it")

We all need to get to the stage of not giving a sh!t what 'she' does or thinks. If she was some 'random' girl would you care? No! Problem is she IS some random girl as your wife (the woman you married) is a different person and you know that.

I think Surfer's quote got overlooked - I did not see anyone really run with it. What he said is 100% true. You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W. Being a teenager sucked for 3 reasons - no self confidence, your body was changing quickly, and you felt like your freedom was limited. And your WW is not like this....? Of course she is.

Rich4j - you are moving out and packing. I will say what I did when I moved into my own place is not for everybody, but this is what I did. I sold all that sht on Craigs List. Bedroom set, tables, kitchen appliances that I have no idea what they do, everything she did not want, I sold it. And I kept the money to pay my 1st month rent. Obviously I had to keep a couple things initially, but have been replacing over time. Very little joint use stuff left and I wanted her to see - it does suggest that one has their own ideas and style. All the I love you stuff - majority to the trash. The really good stuff like wedding albums or the amazing card gotten for a birthday one year - that stuff is consolidated into a box and I do not look at it. If things don't reconcile one day, that box goes to the trash. If we do reconcile I give her the box for her to make a decision on what to do with it. That was my catharsis. For months it was painful enough that I had her in my head everyday, I did not need to eat with the forks we got as a wedding present. Again, this was me and I fully understand why others would not want to have to spend money to replace good items, but I felt like I had to.

[ForGump]

You are dealing with a teenage like transitional mind. The WW i someone who hijacked your W.

I never tried very hard to classify my W into WAW, WW or MLC but ... I was just thinking this evening, Where the hell did my W go? She's just unrecognizable. All this time that we were married, all the time that she was kind, tender and gentle with me ... was this person underneath it all, wanting to come out? Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.

[NVBH]

Stupid question, if.when you receive these accusatory rants in the form of an email do you even bother to reply (ie-validate the hurt/pain and maybe pull together a few counterpoints)?

Do you stay dark?

Received a doozy of an email today along these exact lines and trying to navigate the next step.

[Si_07]

Now she seems so focused on her appearance and getting her freedom and getting her kicks, I felt like I was looking at a 17 year old, not a 40-something year old.

This is the part of my situation that generally confuses me, I read here often how the wives look good, posting about their new lifestyle yet mine does none of that. When I see her, she doesn't look anywhere near as good as she can. Looks like she cutting her own hair etc. I haven't seen her in any new clothes. It's weird..