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rich4j Offline OP
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Old POST1;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641367#Post2641367

Old Post2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645974#Post2645974
Old Post 3:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649539&page=1

Old Post 4:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2688794&page=1


Recap sitch is in my signature. D filed by STBX in late Jan.
Went thru therapy again for a few months prior but she was checked out. Blames me for the worlds problems and that I dissapeared for years and left her lonely. I took ownership for issues in the R but she would not....
Could not confirm but knew there was sometihng going on either EA/PA.
To this day she is still denying PA but I know for sure there is one....

I am moving out (which sounds strange doesn't it as most cheaters move out) for the best situation for my d7.
-------------------------------


So I am about a 3 weeks away from being out on my own with shared custody D7. It is a strange and lonely feeling packing up stuff and that it is so real right now. Went thru some pictures again and lost it. Such good times and while i know how we got here, not sure why it got here so fast in terms of D except she loves this other guy or just continues to think I am wrong.

The Anger Spew continues. I was controlling , manipulating, absent....etc....and while she continues to deny the PA, I do catch her posting stuff on social media about random articles that seem to validate her cheating. That me being "absent" in her mind and her being lonely is/was license to have an affiar and she is "clean".

Its super hard for me now on the cusp of packing up stuff to not flip back n forth on wishing we were togther and repairing our relationship. But like so many others here there is too much damage done. I want more, I deserve more and would never treat someone I love this way so I try to bury those feelings super deep.

Hoping for a new begging in August!


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: rich4j
I was controlling , manipulating, absent...


rich4j,

If it's any consolation, my wife keeps telling me that I'm five times more evil than that rich4j guy. So there!

I'm sorry things are so rough for you. Seeing old pictures, birthday cards and Valentine's Day cards really brings back memories of good times; back when you never could've imagined that it'd come to an end.

I know it's tough; hang in there.

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Hey rich4j

The moving is tough but somehow you will get it done. Its ok to look at those cards and photos but don't dwell on them. Pack them up and get to the next box. Try to get as much packed now as you can. Have boxes stacked ready for you to go. Make a list of what you need to buy and start buying some stuff now. make sure you have the necessities like TP, soap and food. Set up you kids room first. The rest you can figure out when you are moved and don't have your kid there with you. Have someone visit you at your new place the first time you will be there alone. Start making it your own, put up lots of pictures of you and your kid. Make an effort to say hi to your neighbors.

This is not what you ever wanted but your going to make the best of this. You are going to feel some confidence in the fact you are going to be fully in charge of your life. You are going to answer to only you.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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rich4j Offline OP
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thx V

Starting to secretly pack stuff up. We haven't had the D7 talk which is coming probably 2 weeks before the move .....

What's cool is I have week from closing to official move so i can bring stuff over here and there. D7 will be on vaca with STBX when I move

But I will take her there to see what room she wants, colors to paint, what we will plant in the garden and keeping fingers/toes crossed she is excited!!!

My inventory list is done. Using it to negotiate what I am taking with me wiht STBX which has not gone well. She actually is so in a fog that she is fighting me on the smallest things. Her BIKE! which STBX has never helped her even with! I move on and will buy her a new bike

We had a "brawl" the other night one a pet topic which turned into a cheating topic. It went so far as her restating all the bad things I did that blew up our relationship. She continues to even mix up how many years this happened! It is now kind of comical...."the last 4 years"....."the last 5 years"...."the last 6 years". I said....can you get this straight??? Is it 4, 5, 6? And went so far as to say I was cheating and having sex with others. I did say I wish that was true as I would be smiling more but :-)

She also shot me a few nasty emails today about the relationship. I had a great email tee'd up to respond back to the spew to defend myself but kept it in the drafts and probably will die a slow death there...


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 410
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rich4j Offline OP
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Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?

I continue to read saddening stories here and whether it is the WAH or WAW it seems to be a sickness. Now...I don't dare say that there isn't responsiblity all around the relationship and many times it isn't 50/50, but it just is driving me crazy about how my STBX hasn't just "moved on". And by that I mean not point out with every fight or discussion that goes sour between us while we are still co habitating finding a little nugget to point out that "yeah...that is another reason we are getting divorced....cuz you did this n that."

Me....I don't point that stuff out anymore unless i am playing defense and still usually just walk away at this point. I am cold to that game and having to defend myself as i am good with what i have tried in terms of rekindling or salvaging our R and family. guilt is a horrible thing I guess....


Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me

She actually is the one who is constantly looking for admiration and one of the biggest issues I have had with her that has pushed me away is her inability to handle any criticism from anyone. Constantly in battles and drama and has the "no i didn't" and "not my fault" disease....blaming others....


(Narcassist: Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.)

I can only hope I can put up with her for the sake of my daughter and keep things civil as we raise her. My daughter will lean towards the WAW initially as we split houses and I can only hope she sees through all of this as she grows.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: rich4j
Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me


rich4j,

I think the WS does seem to have need to vilify the LBS. I assume that makes it easier for the WS to justify their actions and behavior. I'd bet Cadet could provide much better insight regarding vilification of the LBS.

My wife told me that I was a psychopath and a narcissist. So I guess that makes me a narcissistic psychopath or a psychopathic narcissist. Either way, I am a very bad man.

We went to MC and I told the therapist what my wife said and she said, "Certainly not!" Did that matter? Nope! She insisted that, at minimum, I was a narcissist. I asked my wife if a narcissist would be a good dad (my wife has always said that I'm an awesome dad). She said I was only being a good dad so that "everyone could see" what a good dad I am. Huh? Really?

Anytime we'd buy a new vehicle, I'd always let her have the new vehicle. She currently drives a big SUV with all the bells and whistles. I asked her, "If I were a narcissist would I be driving a 2009 Altima?" That seemed to stymie her for a bit.

My doctor (general practitioner) says that she's projecting. That may be the case, I don't know. I don't give any credence to anything my SBTXW says so it doesn't really matter and I think other people see the truth as well; I don't try to mop up behind her swath of lies. I don't have to say anything, she just digs a deeper hole for herself. C'est la vie STBXW.

If it helps, rich4j, my sons saw through the BS very quickly. My youngest son is particularly livid about it. On the Fourth of July he said to me "everything she says is a lie." I've never said anything like that about her; it was his own conclusion.

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Hey rich4j,

I think is well known scrip here. Rewrite history, you are the bad guy, it justifies the split up.

For me it got past that point where W would just give up on the blame game. It did not matter, she would take all blame, she did not care just wanted out of the MR.

So I guess you two may get to that point. past the blame game as it does not matter as the MR is ending regardless in W eyes.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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J5K Offline
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Originally Posted By: rich4j

Do all WAW's and especially the ones that are heading for divorce and should really be called STBX try to validate their decision and guilt by blaming the other spouse for everything?


Rich,

Mine has done the same as yours, blamed me for everything.

Originally Posted By: rich4j

I continue to read saddening stories here and whether it is the WAH or WAW it seems to be a sickness. Now...I don't dare say that there isn't responsiblity all around the relationship and many times it isn't 50/50, but it just is driving me crazy about how my STBX hasn't just "moved on". And by that I mean not point out with every fight or discussion that goes sour between us while we are still co habitating finding a little nugget to point out that "yeah...that is another reason we are getting divorced....cuz you did this n that."

Me....I don't point that stuff out anymore unless i am playing defense and still usually just walk away at this point. I am cold to that game and having to defend myself as i am good with what i have tried in terms of rekindling or salvaging our R and family. guilt is a horrible thing I guess....


Whats funny in a sad way is that she I am a narcasistic. Anything she can grab onto! And while I would like to admit I am "something" so I can fix it easily :-), a narcassist is the last thing anyone probably would call me...who knows me

She actually is the one who is constantly looking for admiration and one of the biggest issues I have had with her that has pushed me away is her inability to handle any criticism from anyone. Constantly in battles and drama and has the "no i didn't" and "not my fault" disease....blaming others....


(Narcassist: Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.)

I can only hope I can put up with her for the sake of my daughter and keep things civil as we raise her. My daughter will lean towards the WAW initially as we split houses and I can only hope she sees through all of this as she grows.


Mine has also called me a narcissist.

I wonder if your W went to the same school or read the same books as they were planning their exit strategy. Hang in there. My sitch may be a little farther along than yours. I can tell you that days will get better and less confusing. Mine is still deep in the fog and continues to be selfish to put herself before her family.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Gents, I have had all this too. WW moved out with D8 and S6. You are not a narcissist - you are the LBH and she needs to make you look bad. They all have a story. It's bulls!!t. It is there to justify their actions - because they know they look bad. On good days I think - she is not 'her' and I feel sorry for her. On bad days I just feel so, so hurt. Today was a bad day. But the sun is coming out again!!! wink

We all need to get to the stage of not giving a sh!t what 'she' does or thinks. If she was some 'random' girl would you care? No! Problem is she IS some random girl as your wife (the woman you married) is a different person and you know that.

Hard bit is having to keep 2 journeys alive and being happy with either. "Reconciliation" and "separation/divorce". It feels like she is in control, totally, and this gives you a lack of control and extreme anxiety at times. However, if you GAL and make yourself happy no matter what the outcome - you are in control. You control your happiness and she has no control, because you are happy and you don't get absorbed in what she feels, what she is up to etc.

Guys it's cr@ppy I know. But there needs to be a bit of positive self talk and getting those b@lls back...

When she labels you - she is gaslighting mostly I expect. I found my WW did this (narcissist, passive aggressive you name it). I found so many parallels in her behavior and the labels she attempted to give me. Why, I think it works like this. This of the school bully. The school bully makes you feel "worthless" - he wants to bully you to make you feel this. Actually, the life of the school bully is dysfunctional. He is bullied by his alcoholic Dad who calls him "worthless" etc. The bully is actually (pre-bullying) the one who is hurt and [feels] worthless. I have a theory that when the angry spouse offers you these labels - she sometimes actually describing her how she is behaving.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Hey I agree with the keeping two journeys alive being hard. It also not sustainable long term or healthy to keep both going long term.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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