A new day is approaching

[Sotto]

"In other words you always want to say things like: "your mom is a good person, and I still love her. I will wait for her to come back and I won't look for another woman". That will give your daughters emotional stability and hope for reconciliation."

I think it is more realistic to say - Your Mom is a good person, but is going through some stuff right now. I don't know how things will unfold, but I love you and will always be here for you.

The thing is - in 6, 12, 24 months - we have no idea how things may unfold and we may not want to wait for ever or reconcile. She may not come back and you may want to look for another woman. It is best not to promise stuff like this as your kids could feel let down further down the line - he told us he would wait for ever and never look for another woman and now he has...

[Cld]

Sotto,

when I got married I promised commitment until death do us part.
Now my wife has become mentally ill because of her troubled childhood and wants to divorce.
I will still be committed to her and to our children forever, and I encourage everyone to think the same way.
Just because one spouse has become mentally ill, it doesn't mean that the other one should do the same.
Your children will see you as a hero and as someone who never gives up.

[job]

I agree w/Sotto on how you should address comments to your children. There is no way that anyone can predict whether the MLCer or the WS will return and want to reconcile. Why set your children up for disappointment if they return? Children don't forget what they are told and it would be a huge disappointment for them if their parent didn't return and they would also look at you as possibly covering up the truth. Choose your words wisely when speaking to your children. It's best to leave that sleeping beast in the closet until a reconciliation is on the horizon.

As for a LBS standing, that is a choice that you make. You may want to remain single for the rest of your life, i.e., waiting on him/her to return, but there is no harm in dating once the divorce is final. Then again, there is a good possibility that you will meet someone who will treat you so much better and you connect him/her on a far different level than you did your spouse. Again, this is a personal choice and as we all continue to move forward w/our lives, each and every day has surprises and no one knows what the future may hold for any of us.

Irish has done an excellent job of dealing w/his w's crisis and being there for his daughters. In my opinion, he's been a very good role model that his daughters will look up to now and forever.

[Cld]

Job,

My children know that my wife might never come back, but I will wait for her to come back (to her senses), not necessarily come back to my house with me.
Also my wife responded to my children by saying that "she will come back when daddy is nice", so I think that deep inside her twisted mind, she knows that she will come back someday.
As far as dating, I totally disagree.
That goes against commitment and it won't help my wife ever come back to me if she finds out.
I think people don't reconcile very often because the left behind spouse, often males, find a new girlfriend very quickly and that puts all the blame on the men. "See your dad abandoned us for another woman.....".

[job]

Cld,
As I pointed out in my posting, it is up to the LBS to decide what is best for them, i.e., waiting on their spouse for years and years after a divorce or moving on at some point and meeting someone new or remaining single. Your decision is to wait and not date...again...that is your choice and I do appreciate your "commitment to your marriage". However, I do have one question for you...have you given any thought as to what you might do if she doesn't come back to her senses? Would you remain committed to your marriage if she didn't wake up or would you finally accept that she's not returning to her self and move on and begin dating? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

Irish, I'm sorry for the hi-jack. Cld, if you wish to discuss this further, we can do so on your thread.

[Cld]

Job,

If she doesn't come back to her senses, and I doubt it, I will just stay single and focus on my children. At some point she will be so old and sick that nobody will want to be around her and I will have to take care of her as well. Believe it or not, but even now we are having a relationship, even tho we don't talk to each other. It's a relationship where we exchange our children.

[Irish M]

Hi Job
no problem for the hi-jack. Open discussion is welcome.

Cld, I understand your point of view and your choice. I feel you are trying to convince me to do the same. Sorry I won't do that. Not sure if you read my entire sitch . My XW (I like writing that for some reason) has been very manic and abusive to the girls in the beginning and have neglected them ever since BD. My choice to move on is and has been fed by XW's actions more to my girls than to me.

I am now myself and where I will be in 2 - 3 - 5 years is up to me. Who will I be with, I don't know and I won't focus on it. I only know I will be happy.

The thing is - in 6, 12, 24 months - we have no idea how things may unfold and we may not want to wait for ever or reconcile. She may not come back and you may want to look for another woman. It is best not to promise stuff like this as your kids could feel let down further down the line - he told us he would wait for ever and never look for another woman and now he has...

100% agree Sotto, I don't fill my daughters heads up with hope. Hope of something we can not guarantee. All I can do for my girls is love them and be there for them. My XW will have some sort of relationship with the girls one day. Empathy usually kicks in around 21 - 23 years old. My girls will then maybe reach out to her. What that relationship will consists of is up to her and the girls. If it's anything like the relationship my XW had with her mom.. It will be sad

my D13 will be 14 this weekend .. another party to plan.. :-)

[123Gwen]

Irish - Honesty in all interactions with my D's has never failed. I do not dwell or badmouth their Dad but I am honest when the have questions and I am honest about my feelings in an age appropriate way as their parent. I have packaged all this honesty by always reminding them that love and redemption come in many forms and when you least expect it. I ask them to try not to bolt the door shut on the possibility of a relationship with their Father but ultimately they get to choose. I let them know that my love does not depend on anything and my support is unconditional. We are a family and I have their back.

From your posts it sounds like we kind of have the same philosophy. Be authentic and keep showing your girls how to live without letting your XW define your family.

[bttrfly]

so I work work work, don't post and look at all the stuff that happens when I'm not around, lol! I can't say congrats on the D ... it just doesn't feel like something to congratulate anyone on, regardless of circumstances. I will say this: congratulations on having the courage to open and walk through a different door to a new life. We don't know what the future will hold, but Irish you more than just about anyone I know are moving through that door with élan. I'm inspired. You are a good man who always puts your daughters first. I'm proud of you my friend for the way you've handled all you've gone through. xoxoxoxo

[Irish M]

Gwen and Bttrfly, love and respect both of you. I am happy to call you my friends.
We all have different sitchs but the bond we get in shearing and supporting each other will last a lifetime.

Well today is my D13 birthday.. yahhh 14 years old.I didnt go all out as i did for the sweet 16 party of D16. D14 will get that at 16.

I did get her some cool gifts.. Miranda Sings pants was the real hit. The nikon camera was a close second. lol

I brought her and her friends to a lazer tag and trampoline center. I got to show off my flips over the edge into a huge pool of foam blocks. After my first flip the girls all looked at me like ... who are you lol they never thought I could do it.It was cute. We'll see if i'm sore tomorrow morning.

XW did poke her head out of her hole. She sent a similar bunch of flowers as she did D16 last week. D14 was thinking of tossing them out but decided to just put them on the counter and she said she'll think about what she wants to do with them tomorrow.

I messaged XW that D14 got the flowers and I will make sure she doesn't drop them off at XW's work as D16 did. I really felt bad the D16 did that.

She then tried to call me. XW hasn't tried to call me since last sept 2015. I didn't answer. I had nothing more to say. So i wrote to her saying such.

She writes this long text saying she doesn't want to argue but then goes on saying how not seeing the girls is going to kill her mother. X-MIL hasn't seen or talked to the girls since last August 2015. Now she is a grown woman and decided to not contact of show any kind of support to them at all. It's not my doing that she is not well. XW did say that MIL was seeing a psychologist and on medication. I replied good that she is getting help. It is long overdue. She went on saying that she has had no contact with her sister of father since the separation. I know that is a lie. Her sister is on her Facebook and likes many of her pictures. Her fathers girlfriends does reach out to her as well. So she is playing victim still and throwing in poor MIl as well.

I will stay clear of those discussions...I did not share this conversation with D's . no need.

all in all a great day with the D's and their friends..

Hugs

Irish