Irish, great news about the house! As for your D checking her Mom’s FB page, I think she will continue to do this… It is hard, I know… I bet your D still has hopes that her Mom will “return” back to normal… I wish your W would not post her life on the FB, but you can only hope… It will be hard for your Ds every time then will find “new” things about their Mom, but sometimes it is a necessary part of the process… to release and accept that their Mom is not the person they knew and it has nothing to do with them. You are doing the right thing constantly reminding them that their Mom is not well right now.
Hang in there, Irish. I can’t wait for the update on your D’s B-day surprise!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Irish - so happy to hear about your house. FB is truly a double edged sword. People are foolish on social media and in my experience the ones with the most selfies are full of illusion.
It has taken some time but my girls keep getting stronger about their lack of contact with their Dad. Time helps and your stability as a parent. I rarely comment unless it is to show support for my girls when they choose to share their emotions. I want them to have their own voice and feelings and know absolutely that I support them as people regardless of whether they choose to be sad, mad or supportive of their father. I do try to remind them occasionally of a good memory pre MLC if it fits into the conversation. I do not want to let the last few years define their entire relationship with their father and I tell them things may change but they may not and whatever they feel or choose to do about that is fine by me.
You seem to be sending that same message and that honors your girls and your family. I am sorry STBXW is not able to understand that but you are handling things in a loving and gracious way. Hope your daughter had a wonderful birthday.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Just been catching up on your sitch. Great news about the house! I'm so pleased for you and your girls.
Sad to read about the facebook incident - how heart wrenching! Another act of selfishness by your STBXW - putting all that out there for the world, including your daughters, to see. I will never understand as long as I live how a parent just ceases to think about their own children.
Your plans for your daughters 16th sound wonderful! You are such a loving, thoughtful Dad. I hope that if STBXW's head does pop up for the event she doesn't ruin your daughter's celebration.
Can you tell us a bit more about your wife's childhood please? In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced before she turned 15, how it happened and how her mom dealt with the situation, if she had affairs and so on.
PLEASE NOTE... MY STBXW IS NOW OFFICIALLY XW. I will update below.
Originally Posted By: mirage
So wonderful to have been with you here while you have progressed and grew. Mirage
Hi Mirage xx, it is I who am grateful. So many of you here have helped me grow. Either by your posts to my sitch or me reading your situations and learning from them. I will never forget what I have learnt here.
Originally Posted By: Sotto Purple hair, tattoos, shaving - ugh...at least when things are so bad it must be clear to you that you truly don't want to be with the woman that she is just now.[/quote
Hi Sotto.xx yes exactly why I am so disconnected from XW. I wouldn't date her or let her be in the presence of my girls alone. She is clearly in a crisis.
[quote=job] As for the government...they are going to have a difficult time getting that support money back from your STBXW. She's probably already spent it. They may end up taking it from her salary and could very well put her in jail for fraud. She's going to be facing some of her consequences for her actions very soon. I sure wouldn't want to be in her shoes. .
hi Job xx the Gov't will garnish her pay. If she files bankruptcy they get paid before they pay her any kind of support. Also it's a criminal offence so she may be banned from getting any kind of future support if needed. I don;t want to be in her shoes either. Not my circus right :-)
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
I think you're wise to avoid the purple haired one's FB page. Sorry your daughter had to see that, but then again, it might help her in the long run .. hard to know at 15 how she's going to process it. It's certainly not the mom she knew ...
hi bttrfly xx you are so right. my girls need to see this new mom so they can process it knowing she is not well and she is not the mom they once knew. Also helps them to not blame themselves. I am so blessed to have both of them at a level or understanding. No hatred towards their mom just they won't reach out to her.
mleigh and Bright ( hugs and xx to both of you ), thanks for checking in. Yes D16 had an amaazin birthday see below :-)
Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
Hi Irish - so happy to hear about your house. FB is truly a double edged sword. People are foolish on social media and in my experience the ones with the most selfies are full of illusion.
Hi Gwen xx, you are so right. From what I've learned about MLC and narcissists, you can clearly see those who are either borderline MLC or in it. Or just naturally born narcissistic. If you saw my FB page you'd see the love i have for my family and girls. My XW's FB is all her.. me myself and I . not one pic of her daughters. Prior to MLC was all about family.
Originally Posted By: inpain
Sad to read about the facebook incident - how heart wrenching! Another act of selfishness by your STBXW - putting all that out there for the world, including your daughters, to see. I will never understand as long as I live how a parent just ceases to think about their own children. , IP
I 150% agree inpain xx I think after this FB visit they will stay away. They are curious so I can't prevent them. It's sad.
Originally Posted By: Cld
Can you tell us a bit more about your wife's childhood please? In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced before she turned 15, how it happened and how her mom dealt with the situation, if she had affairs and so on.
Hi Cld. my EX had a horrible childhood. Her parents did separate due to her mom's own MLC. her mom did find a loser boyfriend who she stayed with for 2-3 years. Her mother claimed an abusive husband (hey, same story my EX is using).
I've known her dad now for over 17 years. He never shown anger or even frustration. He sadly, when his wife (my ex's mom) had her MLC or transition of life is what she calls it, went into a depression himself.
my Ex's mom took years to get it together. Many moves and my EX had no real childhood. always changed school so never had any friends. Shaved her head as a teen ( Wow, that`s what she did a few weeks ago ) rebelled and was programmed to have her own MLC.
My Ex's aunt(her moms sister) also had a MLC and is stuck in it. Botox, liposuction, dressing teenish. Had a love child who her own daughter adopted. Also my Ex has a bipolar cousin, the whole side of that family call crazy (how dare they!!).
So now my Ex-MIL encourages her daughter (my EX) to have this life transition and ruin her own family. They are closer now yippee. Prior to MLC my EX saw her mother 2-3 times a year.
One thing I know is thank God i am stable for my own D's . This my friends will not happen to them.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I got HER divorce stamped and approved last Tuesday the day of my D15 turning 16. I kept it to myself since I didn't want to put any focus on my EX . It was my D16`s day.
We celebrated with my parents a quiet evening , pool, BBQ , presents. My D16 had an exam on the 27th to make up so we ended it early so she could be rested.
No news from EX at this point.
on the 27th, late afternoon, a florist came by the house and delivered a small bouquet of flowers. D16 thought they were from me. When she got in the house saw the note. Happy birthday, mom. No letter, no card, no sweet 16. My daughter was not happy. She called me since i was not yet home and asked me what to do. I said put them in a vase. She said she didn't want to accept them because they are meaningless. I said she is trying to reach out. Small steps.
My daughter walked them over to her work and dumped them on the outside mail box there with a note saying NO THANKS.
When I got home my D16 said it wasn't even her writing on the paper. No effort.
I said maybe she is away on vacation and called it in. She said.. no her car was at work.
I let it go. Not my job to try to sugar coat her mom's effort.
That evening I expected an email or text. Nothing. I know I would of wrote my D16 a letter of love especially having a gift return in such a manner. But that's me
My D16 invited some friends over yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I told them to all to get ready we are leaving at 7pm that my dad was going to help drive us all to the restaurant. Can't put more than 4 in my Car. At 7pm a stretch LIMO arrives. The girls go nuts. Screaming, jumping, selfies, I was so happy. Sweet 16 comes only once.
They all climb in the LIMO and ask me to come.. I said nope. It's your night , no daddy involved. The restaurant has already been paid and the Limo will bring you back home for 11 p.m... have fun.
the look in my D16 eyes were pure love and happiness. Something she won't forget ever. Made me tear up.
They arrived at 11PM. still all excited. They haven't stopped talking about it and it's 3:30pm Saturday lol
Me getting my divorce papers is closure. I now have no tied to my EX. I owe her nothing and I expect nothing of her. My journey is continuing the way I want it.
Life is good.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Hi Irish, congratulations and commiserations to you. When our D was finalised, I was both sad and also relieved, and as you say - it was closure for me. I'm still trying to get my name off the joint account, but XH isn't responding to me just now...may have to take my own steps to get that final thing resolved.
I loved the story of your D's birthday - sounds like the surprise was a huge hit and I'm glad she had such a great time. It was a shame about the flowers. I'm sure her Mum was trying to reach out - and yes she could have done more. It must also be hard for your D to be on the receiving end...
I do think your XW must still be pretty lost to miss out on the stuff she's missing out on. But at least things are resolved in terms of the M and you can keep moving forward.
Take care my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Irish, I'm very sorry that you were divorced on your daughter's birthday. However, you have now been released from some of the MLC drama and should be able to feel a weight lifted off your shoulders in time.
As for your daughter, I'm so happy to read that she and her friends had a fabulous night out. She was Cinderella for the evening and what a wonderful gift of memories that she will always cherish.
BTW, I'm so sorry that her mom didn't call or text her. I have a feeling that she called in the order to a florist and told them what to write on the card. For one small minute, she did remember her daughter's special day, but she also could have done something special for her 16th birthday. I feel sorry for her because she's lost so much in her quest for happiness.
Now, it's time to turn a page in your book of life and start a new chapter. I can't wait to see how life opens the door for you and your daughters to spread your wings and explore the world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Cld. my EX had a horrible childhood. Her parents did separate due to her mom's own MLC. her mom did find a loser boyfriend who she stayed with for 2-3 years. Her mother claimed an abusive husband (hey, same story my EX is using).
I've known her dad now for over 17 years. He never shown anger or even frustration. He sadly, when his wife (my ex's mom) had her MLC or transition of life is what she calls it, went into a depression himself.
my Ex's mom took years to get it together. Many moves and my EX had no real childhood. always changed school so never had any friends. Shaved her head as a teen ( Wow, that`s what she did a few weeks ago ) rebelled and was programmed to have her own MLC.
My Ex's aunt(her moms sister) also had a MLC and is stuck in it. Botox, liposuction, dressing teenish. Had a love child who her own daughter adopted. Also my Ex has a bipolar cousin, the whole side of that family call crazy (how dare they!!).
So now my Ex-MIL encourages her daughter (my EX) to have this life transition and ruin her own family. They are closer now yippee. Prior to MLC my EX saw her mother 2-3 times a year.
One thing I know is thank God i am stable for my own D's . This my friends will not happen to them.
Hi Irish, It looks like history repeats itself when it comes to midlife crisis. Her mom had a loser boyfriend for 2-3 years, so you can expect your wife to do the same, and she might come back to you after that. I don't know how interested you are at this point to get her back, especially since the divorce has been finalized, I just think that she might try to come back home at some point. You are doing a good job trying to prevent your daughters to do the same someday and from what I have read, the best way to do it it's also by praising their mom no matter what. In other words you always want to say things like: "your mom is a good person, and I still love her. I will wait for her to come back and I won't look for another woman". That will give your daughters emotional stability and hope for reconciliation. It will also teach them to never give up in life no matter what. That's what I am doing with my kids, I am more concerned about their mental stability than about anything else right now.
