A new day is approaching

[Irish M]

Hi Lois
Mine pops her head out of the tunnel long enough to show the old her. Then runs right back in

Now I'm only a year in and a year she moved out and hasn't seem the kids. What I would consider as waking up for my XW would be a total break down, crying, asking for help, remorse and apologies.

I only say this because 10 years ago when she had her quarter life crisis that is what she did.

Me helping her would take a long time. She would have a lot of work to do but so will my girls and myself.

I think the next time she pops her head out I won't act the way I did in the past. I see now that I still had a lot of hurt. She can't hurt me anymore. So any sign of her I'll just say "hi"

[job]

Irish,

I know that you are hurting and the hurt comes to the surface every time she contacts you. In her mind, she has not fully grasped the amount of hurt and pain that you have suffered and what the children have and continue to go through.

I think you are on the right track...the next time she contacts you, it wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you doing?" and you might be surprised at her behavior. Sometimes, they do reach out to us because truly we are their lifeline. Yes, I know, they cut that cord when the Mother Ship left earth, but in their minds, they are still connected to us. Being polite doesn't mean that you are allowing her back into your life, it just makes it easier to get along for the sake of the children.

BTW, that is good news about your foot! You'll be ready for Six Flags and all the rides!

Just my two cents.

[peacetoday]

HI Irish

I think its all about our energy
They can sense it even if we don't have contact
If we can't find a way to forgiveness maybe not totally -but 75%
and out of anger and hurt they can sense it and maybe feel safe to contact

The journey they are on is theirs and will take whatever amount of time needed
some never recuperate and live in denial and addictions and we are powerless over their choice
forgiveness takes time but helps us to heal and let go-

it was not about the marriage, the kids or us
it was about their inability to navigate through life as it was and their issues of the past
rarely do we hear about a MLCer leaving and advancing into a successful life with a great new partner and happiness and success
instead:
its usually loss of job, loss of income, drug addict partner they choose and addictive lifestyle

[Irish M]

Hi job

You are so correct. I am at the point where I'm tired of telling her what she did to the girls and Why I don't want be her friend at this time.

I really feel free from that circus now. It's a good feeling.

Peace , I am one with energy. I felt this horror approaching before BD, I felt her hurt each time she sat in mediation. Dark eyes, soulless but clearly suffering inside.

I have recently disconnect from her energy and I feel nothing now. Such a weight off my shoulders.

Update
Well I am states side for the long weekend. Parasailing ( boot permitted ) , amusement park and boating. New York State has so much to offer. Love it here. I invited my brother, his kids and my parents. We are going to have an amazing time.

I got a text before I left Home. XW, wishing me a nice weekend out of the blue. Also said the girls are so beautiful.

I posted a pic of them together for the first day of school on FaceBook. I presume somone showed it to XW.

Her message felt more like a coworker writing me. Saying your girls look so pretty and have a nice weekend. Nothing more nothing less. I replied simply" Yes they are and thanks."

Think this will be my new approach in communication with her. I feel my anger slipping away. Forgiveness is still far away but I'm happy that anger is gone.

Have a great weekend
Hugssss

Irish

[Cld]

Irish,
Your XW is puzzling me. That's really strange that a mother leaves both daughters with the father and doesn't want to see them for a year. And you said that they loved each other before she moved?
Is she jealous of her daughters that they are young and lively while she is getting old and now she wants to compete with them?
What's going on in her mind?
Where did the mother instinct go?
I truly believe that she will come back soon. A mother cannot do that to her daughters for very long I believe.

[Irish M]

Hi Cld
Glad you stuck around.

My ex's mother instinct is in the same place as her empathy, compassion and remorse.
You need to remember. MLCrs distance themselves from the person closest to them. Their spouse. We are enemy number 1, the cause of all their pains and the reason of their unhappiness.
Our girls were very close to their mom. We were a tight 4. Our wedding 4 yrs ago included a special ceremony with our girls. She could not be without them for more than one night.

So I can only assume she can't face them. They are older children, teens. They are wise to her actions. So she feels judge by them as she did with me. Unable to make eye contact.

Most MLCrs are terrible parents while in their crisis. They leave the kids with grandparents, babysitters or just make up sad excuses of why they can't pick their kids up on their weekends.

I believe she will wake up. Soon?? I don't think so. She is still very much a teen and deep in replay.

Irish

[job]

Enjoy your holiday weekend and I do hope that you can manage well w/the boot. Sounds like it's going to be a great time for all and lots of happy memories in the making.

Communication for your wife is difficult. She knows that she's messed up royally and also doesn't know how to mend things. She makes an attempt to get you to open up, but she falls flat. Why? Guilt maybe, afraid of what you may say, no one knows for sure what goes on in their heads. However, they do find excuses to touch base w/us when e least expect it.

I'm glad to read that your anger is slipping away. It takes a lot of time to keep that anger brewing.

Irish, you are doing well. The girls are so lucky to have you as their father.

[Cld]

Irish,
It's interesting that things were very well before the legal marriage and that they went down hill after it 4 years ago, correct me if I am wrong.
I remember that my wife was very nervous when we got married. She associated our marriage with all the pain she had to endure during her parents marriage and divorce I believe.
Marriage scared her very much and I didn't understand it, It was a very happy day for me.
I am trying mind reading here, maybe getting married slowly contributed to your wife entering in midlife crisis mode, and now that she is not married anymore she might try to get back together and restore the family. I see her message where she says "have a good weekend and the girls are beautiful as a positive sign". It almost looks like she wants you to be aware that she will come back soon and wants to know if you and the girls are ready to accept her. More mind reading on my side.

[Irish M]

CLd
Here's a quick summary of my XW fall into MLC

Several months before BD
Her dad was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal. We visited him she was devastated.
She went into a small depression. Not wanting to do anyrhing but escape reality with TV shows on Netflix for hours and sometimes days.

Her MOther ( who is seperated from her father due to her own MLC) never gave my XW validation or approval. My XW saw her mom 2-3 times a year and always criticized my XW bringing her to tears each time they spoke.

My XW during her parents MLC had no stability no love. Was shipped to aunts and left alone to deal with it all. She didn't get the tools.

Her mother now knowing my XW was so hurt by her fathers cancer invited my XW over for mommy/daughter time. My XW was happy. Finally her mom was acting like a mom.

Little did I know their alone time became talks about my XW youth and why her mother left her father.
My XW would come home crying. Saying she hates her father , never wants to see him again.

Her mom bashed the guy. Told my XW that he beat my XW mom. Threatened her and cheated. He was controlling and manipulative. He was a horrible man. She never should of married him.

XMIL left her husband and kids and went out with multiple guys and ending up dating the worst guy in town. A sleaze ( XSIL confirmed it) she was having a MLC that lasted 3 years . She came out of it but xFIL had his own depression and moved on. XMIL came out of her MLC a narcissistic woman. My XSIL confirmed she was not the same woman she was before MLC

BD1 was a month after that. Her moms stories of her dads character became my XW story about me.

Only I know the truth, walk with my head up, give my daughters love and helping them get the tools they need to not have this happen to them .

It is my only goal here.

Irish

[Vapo]

Irish, it is truly astounding how much all of our stories have in common...

You are obviously a great dad and at the right time as your daughters will go through a transition of their own (puberty). I too have a daughter, albeit half the age of your youngest, so I am hoping to stave off puberty for a little while longer.

Stay strong brother, you are trul doing gret...