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SH,

I am reconnecting with friends. It has been a little difficult though. All my friends are married now and it makes me sad to be around them.

I went to the hospital yesterday to see my BIL because he had a rare virus that paralyzed him from the neck down. He has been there for a week and this was the second visit I had with him. Doctor's diagnosed him with GBS. He is recovering quickly and will be ok. Will take him a few weeks of PT to get back to his old self again. While there my sister and another friend were talking about random family activities their kids were doing and I nearly broke down crying again, had to walk out, could not listen to the conversation any more and a buddy of mine that was there came with me for a walk.

I talk to people on the phone a lot. I have been working out at least 2 times per week, working on getting to 3 or 4 times per week.

Still trying to quit smoking, going to IC when I feel I need it. I go for walks a couple of times a week with or without the boys.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Posts: 1,732
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JK,

Might I suggest you meet a bit more regularly with your IC, and maybe even check in with an MD about some AD's?

Your postings of frequent tears and anger suggest possible depression and anxiety.

If your efforts to heal emotionally include meeting with people that discuss things that trigger your sadness that seems equivalent to the alcoholic that is trying to sober up hanging out at a bar.

JK, I strongly encourage you to enhance your healing efforts and focus on those efforts as you have been stuck in this dark place for sometime now.

Have you tried meditating, praying, reading and reviewing material about emotional well being?
Do you have daily goals and plans of action centered on getting out of the mental/emotional funk you are experiencing?

One of the biggest lessons that I have learned in my sitch is that we can control only one one thing in this universe and that is ourself. That includes what we think and what we feel. But just like it takes great effort and determination to make our physical bodies healthy and strong, so does it take the great effort and determination to be strong emotionally and mentally.

I have shared some great Ted Talks over on my thread that provide insight on these things. I encourage you to stop by and pick them up for your viewing and learning of some powerful messages.

I hope you can find some peace and calm my friend. You deserve it. Your youngs sons deserve it.

Big Man hug for you brother (((JimKao)))
Please buckle down and put in some heavy lifting and get to a place of calm.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SH,

I have 2 safe friends who have been very supportive and given me a ton of 2x4s and been very supportive when I express my feelings and actions. They don't judge and keep me grounded. I have also leaned on a lot of other friends who have been supportive in letting me talk about my sitch and just hanging out to pass time.

I have always been critical of myself my entire life. I know I am not perfect and forgive myself for my actions and things that I did. I know I am a good person.

I had a great workout this morning. Channeled all my energy into lifting weights for about 15-20 minutes and went for a brisk walk for about an hour while listening to music. During my walk I burst into tears a couple of times. Not because of the words in a song but because I think of my kids and feel sad for them. I will always hurt for them due to her actions.

I try to get STBX out of my head but I can't. No matter what, she will be with me my entire life. I am trying to figure out how to make the best of it. I can't even get into friend mode with her at this time.

I am not a cold person. I do not want to live the rest of my life with hatred, regret, anger towards STBX and just have things be business but I know I have to at this time and maybe the rest of my life with her. This is what I struggle with the most.

I have read books on emotional healing and use IC when needed. IC is very accommodating even when I call last minute to set up a session.

I do meditate a bit, I pray every night.

I know the reality is that STBX will never come back. She has too much resentment and hatred towards me, but I have to continue to take action and do what is best for my family. I will move after the D is done but on my terms. Yes this will be too little too late for my M, it will be for my boys.

It is just a shame that all STBX wanted was a few things from me and it turned into this disaster of a situation. At least that is what she stated, I am sure there is more to it than that but I need to be true to myself and ensure that I have exhausted all actions that I can take to save my family even after the D and I will continue to do so. Whether STBX wants to be a part of it or not will be up to her.

I am not done DBing. I have a long way to go. I may be a slow learner from that perspective but will continue to try. Life is full of surprises so who knows. I have to take some chances and risks and not let fear control me.

I think Zues126 had the mindset of only having one M in his lifetime. I personally agree with him which is why I am making the choice to continue to fight for my M even after the D. The only way I will stop is if STBX gets remarried.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 563
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JimKao: You are a rock star of DB'ers. I would be a utter mess if I had to deal with the things you are handing i.e. 5 young kids, long distances, A, health issues, etc.

The steps you are taking are awesome. I know you can plot a steady course to step up your game and leave the pain, hurts, etc behind.

It's absolutely awesome that you are trying to quit smoking in a time of crushing stress.

Great suggestion from SH to try and see your IC more often. Perhaps mix it up a little. I have really benefited from talking to a variety of professionals including: IC, Pastor, DB coach, a life coach, etc. All with a different outlooks and approaches. In the end you will need to take the different advice and find the right mix for you and your boys.

Try and find a new hobby or think of activities you can do with your boys. I know you treasure the time with them so mix it up a little - the payoff will be incredible. Have a costume night at dinner, or do a scavenger hunt in the house. Go to a thrift shop and give each boy $2 or $5 and get them to find the most fun, unique, interesting thing they can for their budget, maybe read a Bible story every night to the boys (using a children's bible). Perhaps you can act out Noah and the ark or Joseph and his dream coat. Breaking up the routine can really give you some happiness and a sense of accomplishment.

Stay the course - the future for you and your boys is bright - no matter who is in it with you.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 276
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Hey JK, I too have taken a long time to fully embrace the DB mindset. I am one hard headed MFer. I made many mistakes throughout this past year and continue to make them. I once read an old Turkish proverb that says "No matter how far down the wrong road you are, you can always turn back." Every day we wake up is a new opportunity to make better, different decisions. It sounds corny but it is a clean slate of which we can make whatever we want. With that being said I agree with both SH and Biz, if you have been feeling this way for a while then meds can definitely help break the downward spiral and talking to many different supports helps bring perspective to situations. Personally I have taken the road of exercise, talking to supports (including Christ) and watching motivational videos on YouTube-Leslie Brown, Borate Picasso, Tony Robbins have all been very helpful to me. This fight is far from over JK. Just shift the focus from your W to yourself. We are here for you brother. Stay strong.


M:37 W:38
D:11,S:7,S:4
T:8, M:5
S:6/1/15 different beds
Physical Seperation 7/5/16
Startof NC 7/22/16
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Hey,

A long time ago, I was in favour of you moving to Toronto to co parrent the kids as it was the origonal goal you and your W had. All plans were movong that way till the MR fractured.

Then I see you pulled back, to protect yourself. Sort of like putting on the oxygen mask on you first before you could help anyone else.

I think you are on the right path, its a self less path and purely for your kids sake. You will find I think its best for the kids, and I bet your STBX will have very little influence on your life when you get settled there.

My W lives walking distance to my house and all that does is saves on travel time. Other than that she might as well be in another country as far as us doing stuff together. We basically have seperate lives now eccept for soccer games, or school events.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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bigy,

Thanks for the suggestions. I will attempt to living things up some more with the boys and make things more fun.

Melo,

Thank you for the you tube suggestions. I do feel like I can turn back and take the right road. I just need to ensure that I don't have any expectations that my STBX will come back and ensure that I am strong enough to handle it.

Vise,

You summed up my sitch very well. I feel had I continued down that original path I would have been financially crippled by STBX. Now she is the one that is starting to worry and realizing the consequences of her actions. I have about another month to go before the D goes to trial. Just need to ride this train a little longer.

STBX has literally no influence any more on my life. She has checked out months ago and there is nothing I can do about that. The only thing we discuss is the kids and that is it. There is no M anymore for her.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Ok everyone, so here is the rollercoaster ride for today even though I was hoping I would not have one.

Went to see psychologist at 4:30 pm to discuss custody. I will spare everyone the details. In a nutshell she stated this is a difficult decision for her to make because of the distance. She stated that the S not awarded custody would have minimal overnights with the boys, meaning only school holidays and long weekends. She did state that the S with custody would have to drive the boys to their visit with the other parent. I asked the psychologist a hypothetical, if both parents lived in the same city then what would she recommend and she stated 50/50 with a 2/2/5 schedule.

I did not feel good coming out of this meeting and called my L to discuss. L says that the psychologist should be recommending a custody arrangement based on the boys living in Michigan and not consider change of domicile, that should be the judges decision. L said she was going to discuss with psychologist.

Here comes the good stuff. STBX and I are supposed to meet at 5:30 pm to do the exchange with the boys.

The following texts occur:


[7/18/16 3:34 PM] STBX: Jim, we are stuck at the border, you will have to come to us.

[7/18/16 3:34 PM] STBX: Sitting on the 402 for the last 40 mins

[7/18/16 3:35 PM] STBX: Traveling at these times just doesn't work

[7/18/16 3:36 PM] Me: STBX. I will come towards you. I have a meeting until 5. I will leave right after.

[7/18/16 3:36 PM] Me: We can discuss an alternate time.

[7/18/16 3:37 PM] STBX: You're kidding me

[7/18/16 3:37 PM] STBX: So maybe 6:30 then

[7/18/16 3:38 PM] STBX: Assuming I even cross

[7/18/16 3:39 PM] Me: I will come to you as quickly as I can.

[7/18/16 3:40 PM] STBX: This is not working

[7/18/16 3:40 PM] STBX: We have to fix this because I can't be travelling 14+hrs in the car every Monday that

[7/18/16 3:40 PM] STBX: That's insane

[7/18/16 3:43 PM] Me: I can sense this is really frustrating travelling so many hours and how difficult it is for you.

[7/18/16 3:43 PM] STBX: Is that a joke?

[7/18/16 3:44 PM] STBX: I would never have made you drive round trips every week to see the kids

[7/18/16 3:44 PM] STBX: I would've met you halfway

[7/18/16 3:44 PM] Me: No joke.

[7/18/16 3:44 PM] STBX: Like a normal and decent person

[7/18/16 3:47 PM] STBX: The fact that you have us traveling to fit your schedule just shows what a selfish person you are...I'm not the only one suffering. This is going to be a 7 HR car ride for the kids...

[7/18/16 3:48 PM] Me: I realize it is tough on the boys.

[7/18/16 3:50 PM] STBX: Oh do you now? Then why wouldn't you find a way to make it better for them

[7/18/16 3:50 PM] STBX: Instead of insisting on it being convenient only for you

[7/18/16 3:51 PM] Me: Do you really think things are convenient for either of us?

[7/18/16 3:52 PM] STBX: Oh they're convenient for you and you only. Everything revolves around your schedule

[7/18/16 3:53 PM] STBX: I can't wait till this report comes out and we can finish this divorce already

[7/18/16 5:26 PM] Me: Hi just checking to see where you are

5:30 pm STBX calls my cell, asks where I am and I said meeting ran late and I am on my way. Mind you that technically she is supposed to be driving an additional hour to come drop the boys off and I am going to meet her. She is upset that she has to wait. Any alternatives I give her do not work for her.

[7/18/16 5:33 PM] STBX: Exit 266

[7/18/16 5:33 PM] STBX: At the McDonald's

[7/18/16 5:33 PM] STBX: Was stuck for 2 1/2 hrs trying to cross the border

[7/18/16 6:27 PM] STBX: Jim it is now 6:30. Where are you? The boys have eaten and we're waiting in the car.

STBX calls three times at 6:30pm. I do not answer as I am on the phone with a friend.

7/18/16 6:31 PM] Me: I am at Exit 243 be there shortly

[7/18/16 6:32 PM] STBX: You're still 15 mins away

[7/18/16 6:32 PM] STBX: Unbelievable

[7/18/16 6:32 PM] Me: There was traffic

We do the exchange with the boys. We do not talk. I let her know that S2 has doctor appointment tomorrow and S7 next Monday. She did not seem to care.

[7/18/16 7:04 PM] STBX: R u for real!!! The car has no gas

STBX calls 5 minutes after I do not respond to text and starts to spew anger and calls me nasty names. Says there are no gas stations on the highway. I asked where she was and she stated crossing the border. I suggested an exit right after she crosses and she continues to spew anger, stating she always gives me the car full of gas, I apologized and told her today was a busy day and I did not have time. She does not accept that answer and continues to spew. I politely tell her I am hanging up and do so.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Jim, our wives give us ample reasons to continue loving them, don't they? smile


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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This might be a stupid question, but why on earth are you guys exchanging during the work week instead of on Sunday?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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