Focus on Me and my Boys 5

[mvgfwd2]

And what's wrong with informing her you are recording? Maybe she will behave better knowing.

[J5K]

Every time I have she gets upset and stops. So yes, it is one effective tactic to stop the spew.

[Painter]

So she knows she's not behaving well since she stops? Maybe just let her know that you will record all conversations from now on to try to prevent hostility. Does it help you stay more in control?

[Painter]

Jim - I believe voice recording is perfectly legal. Please consult your lawyer on this, you need to start protecting yourself.

There are state laws and they are easy to research. If the conversation is across state lines, both state laws should be considered.

[SH_]

How is Jim doing?

I hope all is well and that ou are finding moments of peace and calm.

[J5K]

Hi SH,

Been busy with work the past couple of days. Had to get a presentation done for a hot project and a VP review.

Miss my boys. Today was rough. All I could do is think about them and STBX. My head has been spinning and I feel like I should have listened to her.

There are a lot of times I feel she was doing all she could to communicate with me and give me every chance to change a couple of things. Would this have changed my sitch, not sure but I had a hard time not thinking about this stuff today.

Ended up crying three times and tried to call the boys at 8 pm and STBX said they were sleeping as they were out in the sun all day. Next time she has them I need to set a time to call, either 7 or 7:30 so it is crystal clear on when I will be contacting them.

Not sure if I posted this earlier though but on Tuesday STBX sent pics of the boys and an email to the psychologist trying to show that I am neglecting the kids when they are in my care because they had scratches and bumps on them. She is starting to fight back a bit. My L thinks STBX is getting scared.

STBX somehow also found out about the letter the cleaning lady wrote to they psychologist. The letter basically stated that STBX left S2 in his high chair for 3 hours one morning. He fell asleep, cleaning lady went up and knocked on MBR and STBX did not come down until 15 minutes later and cleaned up S2 and put him to nap.

Worn out from the last few days! Sleep well everyone.

[Painter]

I'm sorry you had a rough day - and I know all about the second-guessing. But then I look at what H has chosen for himself now and why (according to him), and I know I could never be that person. I wasn't a perfect partner, but in order to fit his requirements, I would have had to almost eradicate myself and be someone I am not.

Bumps and scratches are normal for little kids, and unavoidable with all the boys you have. I wouldn't even worry about, especially if you know how they happened.

Leaving a 2 year old in a high chair for 3 hours - not so normal, I think, especially if it was unattended! But you guys have taken on a lot and can't even imagine handling so many children on a good day.

[J5K]

Thank you Painter,

There was one thing that happened with S7 where he chipped his tooth and I did not tell her. I should have. She has brought it up several times this week and tells me it is urgent to get it fixed. I told her I would schedule an appointment but she is upset that I did not get it done last week when they were with me. I agreed with her that I should have communicated the incident to her. She did not say anything but I could still hear disgust in her tone as she kept speaking to me.

She is also saying that S2 has eczema and it just happened to be at its worst last week, when this poor little guy has had it forever. I put lotion and hydrocortisone on the areas multiple times a day.

I called at 7 pm today to ensure I spoke with the boys since I was not able to speak with them yesterday when I called at 8. She did not answer her phone. Being it is Friday I figured maybe she was out to dinner maybe with the kids so I thought I would also try calling her parent's house line. Her dad answered and I was polite and he did not say anything to me. He gave the phone to the boys and I was able to speak with them.

When STBX took the phone she asked that I never call the house line. I said I would like to ensure that I speak with the boys and suggested we set a time for both of us to call. She became huffy and said "Is this how we are going to co-parent"? I did not respond. She then started to talk about the past and started to get angry about the mistakes I made. I said I did not want to discuss that and hung up again.

I get that her parent's are upset with me and that they don't have to speak with me. STBX says I am not respecting boundaries of contacting her family. I said I understand and that is why I suggested setting a set time.

STBX feels she is in limbo and so do I. Are families that resentful that they could hate someone so much? STBX makes it sound like I am some sort of cancer.

I followed up immediately with an email and will see if she ever responds. She complains that I do not respond to her emails (splitting assets and the original proposal from 6 months ago when she was trying to negotiate her raising the little ones so they would not be in daycare). Well she never honored that proposal even though I did give her S2 although it was weeks later after I found the DB book and had a couple of coaching sessions.

[Painter]

Jim, don't worry about her and what she does or says. Don't respond to her, just keep a steady course where you think about what's best for the children.

It is very normal to have a set access time to the children on non-custodial time. Since she has a history of not answering, putting them to bed early, etc., she is creating the situation of having to regulate it.

It's probably a good idea to make sure you communicate to her what happens to the kids. You can do it the day before takeover so it's not an ongoing thing.

Eczema can sometimes be a food allergy - often dairy. Coconut oil can be really helpful to take care of it, and no side effect.

[SH_]

JimKao,

What types of things are you doing to strengthen your emotional health and well being?