Focus on Me and my Boys 5

[J5K]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2689757&page=10

[J5K]

STBX finally called last night at 7:45pm to speak with the boys. We were at my friends house and the boys were playing with his son. All of them briefly spoke with mom except for S4. STBX could hear me asking S4 to take the phone but he refused. She said that is OK she would see them in a few days.

She also called tonight and left a voicemail. I tried to call back but it went to her voicemail so I left it at that.

SadSara,

Thank you for the compliment.

I think all of us on this board paint a negative picture of our S's. Those who read our sitches are also hurt and may read the posts as negative. I am not excusing the actions of a WAS/WW/WH. I just know that they are lost souls that need to find themselves. No one is perfect.

As much as I post and write my feelings on this forum I still love her with all her flaws. I don't know if I will ever get her back even after D but I have to try otherwise I could not live with myself. I know I am a stand up guy and I know what I have to work on.

Why do I still love my STBX, because she is a person who has been through a lot in her life and I admire and is an inspiration. She had ulcerative colitis and had 3 surgeries (2 of them emergency surgeries). She came back from a near death experience and is now a fit healthy woman. When she was released from the hospital she would put on her snowsuit in the middle of December and walk miles to a Starbucks just to get her strength back. She is no slouch, she just wanted some attention from me which was missing for a long time.

Yes agree her most recent actions do not reflect the person that she was and there is no excuse for that which is why I stopped my transfer and then low and behold she files D papers two weeks after we unfiled.

It has been push pull between the two of us for months now. Since she filed though, it is difficult for me to do any LRT to move up there. She has locked me into a position that I have to protect my financial half since we are going through the D. I know she felt guilt about being with OM when I had my transfer going and that she was making crazy comments about how things would be when we would all be in the same city but I think she really needed to see the physical move happen to trust me.

I definitely will have boundaries in place if I do move there after the D. I am not going to allow her to cake eat which is why I stopped my transfer. The boundaries have to be set after we see the results of the D.

Breaking news!

9:15 pm STBX calls and wants to talk to the boys. I told her unfortunately they are asleep. She was a bit upset. She asked when and where to do the exchange on Monday. We agreed on the same location as last week.

She asked if the current babysitter is going to watch the boys the rest of the summer and I said yes, the boys really like her. STBX had no comment to that. Then she wanted to discuss mediation and assets and stated that the car she is driving is making noises and why can't we finalize splitting assets. She said her L says my L is delaying this. I stated that I will find out if that is true. STBX said I can't buy another car because our money is tied up in escrow. I validated with I understand that is frustrating that you cannot move forward.

She then starts to spew about her getting a job and asks what my plan is long term with the boys and how unfair it is that we cannot both be in the same city and how she would not be able to take them during the summer and holidays if she has to work and why won't I let her raise her baby. She stated that she would have limited days with them based on the outcome of the psychological assessment. I said I agree that it will not be easy to see them since you will have to work.

She then made comments about how is this the best interest of the boys. I said it is not since you are the one asking for a D, the best is having both parents under the same roof living together. She then said that this will never happen as she can never forgive me for filing first.

Somewhere in between all of this was also talk about dating OMs and she made the comment that she doesn't care who I date. So as we started to swirl again I said I have to hang up now and ended the conversation.

SH,

Thank you for the 100 2 x 4s yesterday. I will respond in more detail to your post another time. At this point I guess the rollercoaster still exists a bit for me.

One of my bosses once said the reason they hired me was because there is a solution to every problem. I still have hope that there is. All I know is my 50% knows that but my STBX's 50% does not feel the same way.

[Phoebe]

I agree, JK. It is very easy to paint a person who is not part of the conversation in a very unflattering light. I try to keep it to a dull roar, too, because I also believe my H is lost and must have been desperately unhappy. Not that I don't think he was and is a fool for the choices he made, but they were his to make. I just try to do my best to handle the fallout.

You are doing your best, too. You are a good man.

((((((JimKao)))))

[Painter]

Jim wrote (in old thread):

"Journaling:

I wake up this morning. It is exchange day for the boys. I am on a conference call. STBX calls at 8:15 am asking if I can meet her closer to the border to do the exchange. She states she is not well and cannot continue to do this on a weekly basis. I said I understand it is tough. This is what was agreed upon. Told her I was on a conference call and would call her back.

Work call is done and she calls again asking where I am, told her I was still at home and getting the boys ready. She said she is waiting at the border and did not cross yet then started to spew on why can't we just get this D completed and split assets. Also asked when will psychologist be done with the custody evaluation. I stated I do not know.

Then she started in on well you can keep the kids, you win, I can't keep driving 10 hours every week and why won't you meet me halfway. I stated that I have to work and cannot meet until later or you can pick them up at the agreed time of 5:30 pm from the apartment. I stated that I thought I was being flexible by meeting you mid day so you don't have to drive at night.

STBX started more spewing then and of course I failed at DB this morning by bringing up the R. She continues to say she will never forgive and I pushed back and she pushed back and multiple issues.

I brought up OM and trip she went on back in March. She said well that is what I needed at that time. Then she said she is not seeing that OM anymore and now it is a different one.

In short, the same swirl for an hour. I get the boys ready and we meet at the mall at noon. I get out of the car and tried to mend fences a bit and said I understand why you needed the trip. She was like oh now you do. I said yes. Left it at that.

She goes to hug the boys and S2 does not even give her the time of day. STBX looks at me and says see you did this. It takes S2 two days before he warms up to me. I looked at her and said I don't know what to say.

S2 does not react that way with me. I am not happy that is the way her reacts to her, makes me sad but she put us in this situation now.

Both of us get a little worked up again and she says I hate you and am going to bring the boys back when I want next Monday. I said we have an agreement on a set time and she said it is not filed with the court. I said OK. She continues to say I am not flexible and I snapped back with a remark and she says I am having someone else drop off the kids next time and then says I may not bring them back at all. Then she says she is going to bring her boyfriend next time with her and she is going to have him kick my a$$. And of course I said just bring them all (not a good choice of words by me).

Then S7 makes a comment and tells me leave us alone and to go live with my parents. I caught part of it and asked him again to repeat what he said. STBX repeats what he said. I sternly told him to be careful on how he talks to me and asked him to give me the book I bought him this past weekend. STBX tries to stop me and so I go around to the passenger seat of the van and open the door and asked S7 who am I and he said dad. I sternly said you do not speak to your father that way and for your punishment you do not get to take the book with you.

I need to improve on ensuring I do not do this in front of the boys as she continues to lure me in to these situations. Not a very good day for any of us in my family."

-----------

It's a process. You are absolutely right that you have to practice techniques so you avoid doing this in front of the boys and don't take her bait.

Here's what I suggest: Practice a few sentences in addition to the validation you already do so well: "I'm sorry, but that won't work for me." "Let's talk about this when the kids aren't around." And just repeat and repeat. Practice ignoring her. Just keep saying goodbye to the kids and leave.

I think the problem is that right now you'd rather have negative interaction with her than no contact at all. Trust me, I can relate. But with kids, you have to put them first. And of course it doesn't work with WW, either.

In relation to her threats, I'd suggest to write an e-mail and say, 'In light of the threats you made to bring OM to 'kick my a**' when you drop off the kids next, I request that we meet in the parking lot of X police station. I have contacted them and received permission to do this.' (I'd do this first, of course.)

I'd also add 'I expect you to not keep the children as you also threatened, but be there at the agreed time.'

And I'd cc your L.

This way you get this documented and on record.

[Zues126]

100%.

Email/text.

Communication.

No sending without a 15 minute cooldown/review period and with the assumption that everything will be reviewed in a court of law which will determine custody rights.

This is way beyond DB rules. This is legally and physically protecting yourself and your children. Time to treat this as the emergency it is. You are in no spot to be verbally sparring with her and reacting to your emotional wounds. It is damage control time. If you don't have a L yet get one tomorrow. Before noon.

[mvgfwd2]

I hope you have started having a least a voice recorder at every interaction you have with her considering her past threats and behavior. If not, you need to for every interaction going forward.

[SH_]

Jim,

Please listen to the advice you are being given. You need to snap out of the thought process of hoping to be friends and having a happy co parenting situation with the WW for your boys at this point.
Her continual behavior indicates she wants none of that and the more you try to go down that path the more she will resist. This is not to say that things won't evolve towards that down the road, but for now you need to man up, take care of yourself and those boys.
Detach detach detach is the plan and goals you must focus on, and as Zues states, it is time to protect yourself legally and leave the DBing be until the legal aspects are in place.

I pray for you and your sons and I hope you can hear the folks calling to you as you continue to wander in the LBH fog. She is not the woman you love and you have to understand this. The last interaction you shared is unacceptable no matter how you spin it. Be accountable and protect yourself legally and if her threats have any speck of truth Painters advice is also good to protect yourself physically.

Be well my friend, and heed the advice from those that have or are living a version of your nightmare. I know the anger of an angry W that is marching to the d. I also know the freedom and strength that detaching can provide so I can make decisions with a clear head. Hopefully my experiences provide some street cred so that you may understand what I am trying to share and encourage you think about.

Be safe and have peace this evening.

[Painter]

Check your state laws re. voice recording, for both jurisdictions, before you consider that.

[J5K]

Thank you everyone.

I contacted the psychologist who is doing the custody evaluation and we have a follow up meeting next Monday.

I appreciate the tough love and support.

I cannot record any conversation without her knowing. Not legal.

I have acupuncture scheduled again this week and going to schedule IC. I need to start learning how to be more calm and let this anxiety and sadness flow through me.

I just miss being intimate with my STBX. I enjoyed being the giving person but I deserve better treatment than this.

[qt4x11]

Jim - I believe voice recording is perfectly legal. Please consult your lawyer on this, you need to start protecting yourself.