Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Heather - it's good to hear an update from you.

I just wanted to say that I think one of the very best things you are doing is differentiating yourself from your ex. It may take your older daughter a long time to understand and fully appreciate the different parenting style you are offering. However, I do believe one day she will compare what was "normal" at her dad's and what is "normal" with you.

Sometimes, I think it requires them to raise their own children to "get it." My step MIL used to smoke up with my h. He was in 3rd grade and she would get high with him and then light candles and let him take a bath stoned. When he first told me this, I was outraged at how she abused her power as an adult to be his friend. Never mind that he could have drowned! He saw it as "normal." Thankfully he went the athletic route in middle and high school and was never into drugs beyond that.

Many, many years ago, when my oldest was in 3rd grade (and I think h was already somewhere in MLC), out of the blue, he finally "got it," how wrong it was for her to do that with a child. He saw what a 3rd grader is and they are SO little and SO pure.

Keep going and kudos to you in stepping up to sponsor. I know you'll be great at it!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Ha, that's heart-breaking to hear about your MIL's drug use with your very young H. Wow. Ick and wow.

Taking a few days off from work for some R&R. Things are going well... Sorta feeling like the wrinkles in my life are flattening out.

D22 is doing well. She is working at the downtown YMCA, has already received a raise and they have her in mind for a promotion. I'm attending Al-anon again and working hard at allowing her to make her own life. I did tell her that I'm not comfortable with her using any drugs, while living with me. I see flashes of a grown woman, which is a HUGE relief. She is still very angry, but I see it lessening. Hoping she can be in her how place within the next few months.

Still loving the Blue Ridge Mountains. My job sorta [censored], but I'm paying my bills and getting to a good place where I can make some changes... planning to ease out of this company and work for myself. I've created a pretty solid support system with DA and the daily accountability is making a huge difference financially. Still have a ways to go to get where I want us to be, but, today, I'm feeling confident.

Opted out of a family vacay with my mom. Took a lot of prayer and support and feedback from friends, but I decided being with my mom and stepdad wasn't the best place for me right now. My mom has pretty much been absent from my life since I left Ohio. At times, when things were rough, I begged her to come just spend time with us and help me with Louisa. She didn't. Trying to forgive.

She planned this "family" vacation and put tons of pressure on me to come. She offered to rent a car and help financially... All of which felt like "Heather the victim" again. I was honest and told her how it felt about 50 times... all of which was ignored. Finally, I told her, if she really wanted to help, I explained how I was saving for a vehicle, which could make a huge difference in our lives and I needed to put wheels before vacations. I was clear that a car would help me maintain our livelihood, etc... After some condescending remarks about my past debting behavior and other mistakes, and jokes at my and D22's expense, she never came through with any gifts to help with the car. She did, however, tease with... "If I rent a car and you come to vacation, I can give you birthday money."

I decided against it. Just didn't feel right. Not to mention, I couldn't see myself being jovial with stepdad who abused us all so terribly and cheated on my mom twice. I'm sorry it hurt my mom. Getting some clarity on my relationship with my mom.

I've noticed that when I face, get honest about the neglect I experienced as a kid with two very selfish parents--I lose any interest in Matt. He becomes a non-issue. In fact, my life sorta makes more sense, when I look at it from the standpoint of what I learned very early.

Last interaction with Matt was about a month ago. There was this strange, front-page, national story about a vintage vehicle--only 47 in existence--found in an Ohio barn. When Matt and I were first married, he saw the vehicle when making a lumber delivery.

Anyway, I texted him the link to the story. He responded with a short question... I gave a one word reply. He asked about the girls. I gave him two sentences. Said D22's move to Asheville was a transition and D13 was doing OK. He said... "Well, good luck."

I know he is communicating with D22 about every 2 weeks. I don't ask questions though. She offers the info here-and-there. She said he is broke and will be paying off his atty for quite a few years.

I need to contact legal aid to see about revising the tax dependent part of our D settlement. He's going on three years since seeing Louisa. I want to see if I can get the dependency status switched to me annually, as opposed to every other year.

I'm more able to see how broken he is. Still have moments when I consider opening up communication in some way. Maybe out of pity? Sadness?? Longing to have a history with someone? Loneliness? It passes though and I don't. Then, will get hit with a wave of anger at how he's treated the girls in particular.

Life is good though. I wish it hadn't taken so long to face some of these issues, but it is what it is.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote:
I need to contact legal aid to see about revising the tax dependent part of our D settlement. He's going on three years since seeing Louisa. I want to see if I can get the dependency status switched to me annually, as opposed to every other year.


Is he paying child support? If so, I rather doubt you can change this without his consent, as it's really about the financial obligations not the social ones.

If, on the other hand, he's not paying his child support, you should have an excellent case.

Congrats too on sticking the the Debtors Anonymous stuff. Can you start putting some money away from side jobs to save up for a car? Did you ever look at the mrmoneymustache website?

As for your mom - best not to take anything more from her, the strings attached are too much. And although she whined, she will probably respect you more in the long run for making the right financial decision for you (or not - she's pretty toxic after all.) If she's really dying to see the girls she knows where you live.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Hi Ellie :-)

I've put some away. Mr. Moneymustache has some great tips. We are looking at an old Volvo this weekend, which would suit our purposes and I could avoid a car payment.

I'm feeling more confident about myself and my next move is to increase our income.

Yep. My mom is just who she is. I feel sad for missing the family thing, and don't. I have three days off without having to go anywhere, something I think I've really needed.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
So good to hear from you Heather. Sounds like you are really making some wonderful changes and getting stronger. Bravo my friend.

I completely understand your point about clarity and confronting things in your life. I wore my rose colored glasses for a long time and finally seeing things in a true light has been so difficult but much more authentic.

Glad your girls are busy and also refusing to wear rose colored glasses. It isn't easy but facing things now is going to be easier in the long run.

My H is still ghosting his D's and me. No surprised but H's treatment of our girls has been hard to forgive. Glad your girls see that you are a bada** and you have their back.

Hang in there and keep us updated. Much love and peace.
-123Gwen


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Matt thought Louisa was turning 15. She turns 14 Aug. 31. Her sister told her. I wish she hadn't. She was crying yesterday about that and other things... then, Cal grieved some. I guess it was good, we needed to feel some of the pain still. But, I'm tired of seeing my kids hurt. Things are leveling out, still the residual.

Texted Matt: Louisa will be 14, not 15.

I received a response... I know. And, you are turning 48. Smiley face.

Makes me feel nauseous.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
Understand. I quit texting - email only and only about something that is essential (i.e. money or health crisis).

No contact is much more peaceful and my girls have been disappointed but that is his issue with them. Yes it is sad to accept that you can't shield them from it but stepping away allows you to comfort them without enabling the dysfunctional parent child relationship.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Thanks Gwen,

How are YOU??

Yes. No contact is really peaceful.

It's hard in it's own way, but not a hard I can't handle--I still struggle with pushing thoughts of him away though. Some days are easier than others. When my parents divorced, it took me a good two decades, before I felt like I had actually healed. I suspect the same for my marriage. I'm just slow to grieve. It's easier when I'm on an even keel in my own life. Any transition or holiday brings the feelings back to the surface.

I'm relieved the girls don't have to deal with him.

My birthday is Monday. Louisa's is Wednesday. Matt's 50th is Sept. 8. I guess that's why some stuff is stirred up.

I'm experiencing now, in a very cool way, how these really terrible experiences have created a different me. I'm really proud of who I am today. Can't say it's been easy, but I prayed throughout my marriage for the life I'm leading now. That's pretty freakin weird. I prayed to be someone who was financially independent from Matt and good with money. The habits came to me in a really rough way, but it still happened. I'm beginning to see a fabulous life. I'm really proud of that.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Gwen,

I want to thank you for always posting and saying "Hi" on my thread. You are a sweet lady and I smile when I see you left a message. It was really kind of you to say, "Happy Mother's Day."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Heather,

I'm going to wish you and Louisa a Happy Birthday early. I do hope that you ladies have something special planned out for next week.

The grieving process is unique for each and every person. Some go through it quickly and others have a slower/longer period. Don't rush the process. You need to work through all of the emotions in order to heal properly.

The challenges we deal w/each and every day help to mold us into the people we are today. Sometimes those challenges help to open our eyes to what is around us, we become more compassionate and understanding of others, we learn patience, become better listeners and when it is all said and done, we become the mentors for the generations that are coming along and we can then provide sage advice and wisdom to those who are willing to listen.

You've had a lot of difficult challenges in the last couple of years. Some have set you back just a wee bit, but you are coming along nicely. You've grown, become more independent and are not afraid to face the world and voice your thoughts and opinions to others. You've come a long way and should be very proud of yourself and what you've accomplished. Never second guess yourself. Do not allow your family to make you feel little, for they are uncomfortable w/the amazing changes/progress you have made.

Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard