MLCs rewriting yesterday's history

[AJM]

Brubeck, if you haven't read that thread - read it! If you have, read it again. And read the threads Cadet posted earlier in your thread.

What you're experiencing is unfortunately not as uncommon as we'd like to think. I had a very similar experience to what you're posting as have several others here.

I can tell you that until YOU take responsibility for YOU, nobody else will. And you will get very tired and worn down as you burn that candle at both ends. I know from experience.

During my ride on the MLC train (I was a passenger - ex was the conductor) I was promoted from contractor to manager of a global IT group. I was also raising two (three if you count the MLCr) teens, was president of my church, was going to therapy and trying to have a life. And I realized I didn't have a social life or network to fall back on that I had been nurturing. I isolated myself as I contorted myself into the "perfect" husband and father.

Know what I figured out? I needed to better prioritize my life and where I spent my time. I needed to let it be ok to not do some things. To let them drop for the time being.

The first one I dropped was the outcome of my marriage. That was a huge relief and weight off my shoulders to say the least. I didn't realize how much I needed to detach, nor how long it would take to really do that.

My story is similar to the others - my ex made up all kinds of stories and the therapist was surprised I wasn't that horrible violent ogre she was led to believe I was. The lawyer was the same way as was her lawyer in the end

You cannot control the W's actions. You CAN control yours. You can carve out time for you in your life even if you have to let some things go. It's that important and will help you gain the perspective you need.

During this time you and you alone need to take better care of yourself. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Don't put that off, B. You are not alone, you have good friends that have given you good advice and perspective. Don't let this kill you or age you when you can't control the outcome.

The other item to consider - you really need to focus on acceptance of reality vs. what you think it should be. The judgements and other items won't help you. They are what they are. You'll see this more and more as time goes on and you talk to people that went through what you're going through. As they tell their stories, you'll see things differently and things will make a kind of sense even if you disagree with the choices.

Believe us when we tell you, you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. So stop thinking you alone can fix it and focus on the things you can. Start with a few minutes a day and work to increase that time each day. It'll soon add up.

AJ

[Esame]

I've searched the boards to see if this is covered elsewhere and I didn't find anything.

As part of her MLC, my W has already rewritten the entire history of our M in her mind. Now she is rewriting the history of things I did just the day before.

I continue to detach. When I'm at home I leave her alone, and deal exclusively with the kids while she's usually on the phone in our bedroom. I engage her only when needed and only about the kids or household needs. I never initiate any personal conversation or try to figure out what she wants. I don't do nice things for her proactively, I only respond in kind to her requests when she makes them.

When I make accommodations, she tells her MLC friends or OM that I did something in the opposite direction. If I make a mistake with some task, she tells them of it as something I did intentionally and something I did specifically just to hurt or bother her. She keeps quiet to me about it, but she rants often on the phone to her MLC friends and OM.

I should also mention that W periodically picks some random part of our M and tells OM her rewritten version. Does this keep her "rewriting skills" fresh and sharp?

Is this common for someone in MLC to rewrite the history of something that just freaking happened?

Here is a thread about it
The Rewriting of History

So the answer is yes it is common.

Glad Job merged these two threads.

Thank you for this Cadet

[Esame]

Brubeck I just wanted to say that I totally understand how frustrating it must be having your relationship's and life's history rewritten! My H has done that to the extend that he is even rewriting history on "chapters" that didn't include him! For example we were discussing my upcoming trip to my mum's with the kids and he advised me to take the kids swimming "this time". I said of course I would, last time we went daily, some times twice a day. And he said "how?", apparently he forgot I had access to a car, and was free to do as I pleased. He thought I was stuck at home with our kids and my niece and nephew. So strange. No advice really from me, I'm going to study that thread with great interest..

[Brubeck]

First of all, thanks to all of you for your feedback. Every bit of support helps. I am always worried that my friends are getting sick of hearing my rants. By now, it probably sounds cyclical to them.

I am still a newbie and still reading plenty of other threads. I am most grateful for posts from MLCers themselves. They explain a lot about the 'fog' in their head.

What I am not detaching from is my own ANGER, there are many moments in each day when I want my marriage to end! I want to tell her to pack all her stuff and LEAVE. Go move in with one of her MLC friends or the OM. She can't go a single day without talking or texting to these people. How about one of them pay ALL her bills for her! I am trying to shrink my own ego, because I know I'm going nowhere trying to rationalize my sitch right now. I am doing research on "giving up the need to be right" and how to accomplish such a thing. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's so HARD to bite my tongue sometimes. The restraint I need to have now is massive, but I am maintaining it. I know I will accomplish nothing if I open my mouth.

I just wanna scream at her "Go pack up all that new make-up and all your new shoes and your new clothes and go live your fabulous single life that you say you want so bad. Get out there! Go and create that amazing movie playing inside your head. No one is stopping you!"

The only thing that pulls me back each time are my sons. They don't deserve any setbacks in life because of her. They already know Dad is more attentive than Mom. They focus on fulfilling their needs with me whenever I am home. As corny as it sounds, I am following my heart, and what's in my heart are my sons and to a much smaller degree, her.

[AJM]

Does it surprise you that you're angry? Or seem wrong in some way?

Of course you're angry! Why wouldn't you be?!??

Kudos to you for keeping a sound mind and focus. You're right that your boys have no choice in this. You do and always will. Don't forget that you do. You are not powerless in this process.

I can't tell you what to do, my friend. I can tell you what I did however. Day three after the ILYBINILWY speech - I made a decision. I decided to protect the kids as best I could, try to help my (then) w as best I could, and give her a chance to reconnect. She was obviously having some sort of mental issue at the time (that's how I described it at the time.)

Prioritization was key for me. No matter what crazy came along, I had a priority list that I would not waiver from. Over time, I replaced that second priority with me and making sure I was ok. Self-care if you will. Or rather, I knew I was the only one who would, so I did

I also determined that I would remain faithful during that time. Believe me, that was not easy considering the anger and opportunity. It was a conscious decision though and one I maintained.

I don't regret those decisions and looking back, I realize how much stronger that made me. I wasn't weak, but I was confused and angry. I will say my ex tried to exploit that and tried to manipulate me for her purposes. It became fascinating and hard to look away from the slow moving train-wreck.

Would I do things differently if I had the chance? Nope. I did the best I could at the time and I'm satisfied with that.

Were there times I was angry as h*ll? Oh you bet.

When it comes to anger, it's not about feeling it per se. It's about what you do with it.

As a former poster mentioned, it can make you bitter or better. You have that choice. Each and ever day.

So what happened with me? I raised two teens who are both in college, I was promoted at work, I went back to school to finish my first degree and am working on my masters, I became more connected to my God (I always have been, but more so during those times), kept the house, and generally got on with my life. I also took up running to help relieve the stress. The stress was monumental to say the least for this and other actions at the time.

I think you'll find similar stories here.

Did my ex 'snap out of it'? No. She's gone out of her way to tell me how glad she is she cheated, how angry she is I kept the house and how angry she is the kids still have a relationship with me. Oh, and how she hates my father, but I think that was just for good measure She married the OM. He's a dirtbag of epic proportions, but ce la vie, no?

Anger? Sometimes, rarely over any of that. Briefly when I have to deal with her or OM which these days is pretty much never.

I've always loved life. I've had great adventures since and I see no signs of that slowing down.

Looking back, I do remember being glad when she left (she moved out on mothers day leaving the kids with me and taking the kitchen table.) We made the best of it and I've shown my kids how to deal with adversity and even laugh at it, without being disrespectful to the past she re-remembered.

How? One minute at a time at first. Until I could put an hour together or not thinking about her. Until I could put days together without thinking about her. Until it was months and now I'm heading for years. She is part of my history and it was a good one. I know, I was there. She has her path to walk, and I wish her the best. Him too. I don't talk to them, but that's because they still try to spread the venom. Why? I suppose because I'm a reminder of some sort.

And that's ok. So is your anger. What you do with it is the important thing, B. What you do with your time is important. How quickly you realize you are not the cause nor the solution of the problem is important. How quickly you release yourself o that responsibility and the responsibility of the outcome.

Focus on the kids. Focus on GAL. Focus on stress relief. Focus on the things you can control and release the rest. Over and over again until you make it stick. For me that was one item at a time. Sometimes for weeks until I could actually let it go.

Believe me, they say things to hurt you. They do things to hurt you. Mine even tried to get me to hit her (presumably so she could claim abuse - I refused and never have been that kind of guy).

You have far more stamina when it comes to the rational items and the kids than she does. Your kids are in good hands with you as their guide. And it'll be OK.

Peace,

AJ

[Brubeck]

Thanks to AJM for his 2 cents already. Bear with me, guys. I need your input and I am only 6 months into my W's MLC.

I had a first last night. It was tough. I feel weird, I feel bad, but I know I got something done.

W just scored a babysitting gig for 2 months. She lied about the amount she was making. She told me $80 a week, but laughed to her friends on the phone that it was really $120 (I let that slide). I told her I want to take her babysitting money and put it in savings. The reason because is I have had to move $600 out of our savings account THREE times to pay for health insurance. Our checking account is almost empty because of her overspending. Without the last transfer of $600, we would be overdrafted by $300. I'm sure my W could care less right now if our family lost their health insurance.

She argued to keep the money so she has spending cash. She already does; her debit card, which is attached to our checking account. Her debit card is also attached to our Amazon Prime account, which she buys from weekly. More often than not, I have kept my mouth shut about her massive spending since MLC kicked in. I was not budging on this. It's a double standard that the money I earn goes to our family and budget, but the money she earns is just for herself, while she ALSO spends part of my paycheck; dinners for MLC friends, clothes & shoes she's never worn, and money wasted in ways that I can't tell whether or not was meant to make me angry ($90 on Uber rides in one day). There have also been plenty of accessories bought, I presume all of them distractions. I haven't even tallied up the digital purchases off Amazon.

I got through one of W's rants without interrupting her. She stood there in the kitchen spewing her toxic anger and her venom at me for 5 minutes. Her voice was raised the entire time. Sometimes she screamed, sometimes she cried. I stood there and listened. I did not argue. I kept quiet. I maintained eye contact the entire time. I even made sure to relax my facial muscles so it looked like I was being receptive. I tried to validate when I could, but she was going on and on, so I would just say "OK" when she came to a pause. She thought my responses were akin to saying "yeah whatever", so she began to walk away. I said "I'm listening W". She turned back to me and went on and on for another 5 minutes.

(In this order, more or less...)
I am the biggest a**hole and "that's a fact".
All of her friends agree that I am a complete a**hole.
Her family likes me only because they don't know the real me.
I am only trying to be a father now because she is threatening to leave.
I was never a good father. I just bounced the kids on my knee for half an hour and did nothing more.
When I argue with her I am ruining our sons forever because I am teaching them how to disrespect women.
I am greedy for expecting to get 8 hours sleep a night.
I am arguing about money because that's all I care about.
I don't care at all about her or the kids.
I always put me first and I only care about myself.

She screamed at me "I am not a potted plant! I cannot sit in this house and wait for sunlight to reach me. If I want to go have something, I'M GONNA TAKE IT!" The potted plant line sounded just like that - a line. I am reminded again that, since her MLC hit, I have never seen her as angry as she's been in these past 6 months. Never.

It felt like an accomplishment, but it didn't feel good at all. This morning I still get a knot in my stomach when I think about it. I never liked fighting with my W, before or after her MLC. I hated confronting her about this money. I hated starting a conversation that I knew she would turn into an argument as quickly as possible, but I cannot continue with this. I am not draining our savings account to pay for things she doesn't use and for all her nights out with fake MLC friends (who agree or encourage her however she wants). I've been managing all the bills at her request. I took over these duties in autumn of 2003 when she said she didn't want to deal with opening bills anymore. She has not opened the mail ever since.

My question to you all - can I re-iterate to her that this is not a personal attack against her? This is about our financial situation and not being able to cover all the bills each month. That she hates me doesn't solve the problem or eliminate it. This problem with occur again in a month or two. This is a freaking math problem. At the end of her rant, I calmly invited her to join me in managing our finances. I said she can log into our bank accounts online and investigate the situation for herself. I told her there is an excel file named "Budget" on our computer that she can look at as well where I track bills, due dates, percentage rates, etc. I told her I will listen to any suggestions she has for improving our financial situation. She just said "I'll look into it" as she turned away.

*I am not, nor was I ever, the perfect husband. I am not, nor was I ever, the devil she wants to believe I am.

[LouR]

Hi Brubeck

I am so sorry you are having to face this. You handled the conversation/spewfest well, there was no way of knowing how she would react until you had it, so well done for staying calm and not biting back.

I am sure the wise vets here will be along soon to give you advice on how to deal with this money issue. My personal thought is to get yourself a new bank account that only you can access, have your wage paid into it and transfer all your payments to come out of that account, leaving your joint account that your w has access to with only an allowance for her (or none as she now has her own income). I would stop any overdraft facility so that when she tries to get money out of the account it won't give her any when it reaches $0.

As say, this is only my own thought on a possible solution to your problem, I am sure others here will have had the same issue and will be able to tell you what they did.

I was lucky as my h and I closed our joint bank account and started separate ones after he left as he did not want me to know about what he spent his money on .....it was his business and not mine apparently ....so when he racked up $$$$ of debt I am not responsible for any of it, which I am very thankful for.

[HaWho]

Hi Brubeck -MLCers cannot do math and they do not care about finances at all. And that bit about if there's something out there she is going to want, she'll have it? There's the enititlement of replay.

Nice job listening! As awful as it is to listen to the spew, it is very good for that anger to come out as it has a chance of burning its way out.

So, I am thinking a few steps forward. Can you really control her income? What are you going to do to get that money from her? Of course it's not fair that she takes from your income and hoards hers. Welcome to the selfishness that is MLC.

However, I think you've been given a gift! A HUGE gift. That $120 is probably way less than she is already spending on herself, right? My advice? Let her have it as you can't control it anyway. (Unless you plan on wrestling her for it.)

So I would let her have it. And then, protect yourself by limiting her access to the rest of the funds. Limit her debit card according to what she already earns babysitting. Leave her the money for groceries and whatever other things she is expected to cover. If she stops paying these, reduce the money there. Put her on a budget.

The tough part is the credit card. She needs access in case of an emergency. Maybe you get her one with a reduced limit and tell her it's for emergencies only (flat tire, pharmacy medication, etc.). Or maybe this goes on the debit card only?

Letting her keep her own money gives her a sense of control (you can't control her salary anyway) but you can set a budget and restrict her spending in all other forms. This is your chance to set a financial boundary.

Control the parts you can. Let go of the rest.

[HaWho]

One last thing: remember, if it's not worth it for her to work, she'll probably quit.

[Kyh]

Hi Bru, just caught up on your thread tonight. Sorry you are going through this, ive lived out some of the exact things you described and I've heard some of the things you mentioned almost verbatim and a couple things opposite but just as crazy. Remember not to believe what they say! You got some great advice from others that have helped me so much.

Just my 2 cents, but in regard to your last post, in my experience, there is no way to reason about finances. You're lucky your managing all your bills. Your w feels entitled and will do as she pleases, anything you do to try to involve her (as a responsible adult) adds more stress she can't handle and will likely cause you more stress as well. My w would use my income that went into our joint account for her personal expenses/outings and business expenses then take all her pay and put it in her personal account. She was taking trips, concerts etc without regard to anyone but herself because she "deserved it."

I agree with the others above, you should probably get an account of your own or limit her access somehow. I didn't get things under control until we had separate accounts and it took me a couple months because she wasn't paying anything (she always paid bills and this was wrong of me not to be involved). Also, if you have credit cards beware, my w maxed mine out on trips, makeup, etc. then wasn't paying on it.