MLCs rewriting yesterday's history

[job]

Carving out a bit of "me" time can be very simple. You could take a nice walk around the neighborhood or find a trail and walk it. If you have a bike, find a trail and take the bike for a spin. Take a drive or just go to the local coffee shop or café and sit and people watch. "Me" time doesn't necessarily mean you have to be out here playing sports, etc. It could very well be sitting and reading a book or doing a hobby that will help you to relax a bit.

I know you have a lot on your plate trying to juggle all of the balls in the air, but it is very important that you take some time out for yourself. If you don't you'll eventually burn yourself out and come to resent your w for what she's doing and the anger will build.

Feel those emotions, allow them to wash over you and then release them. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. I'm going to suggest that you visit HaWho's threads. Her postings may help give you some insight into detaching as well as help you see how she's coping w/her at home adult teenager. Don't be afraid to post and ask her questions. She's been doing an excellent of job w/her adult teen.

[Brubeck]

More thoughts...

During my last therapy session, I asked my therapist a question she couldn't answer. I asked why with regards to my M, I was bothered by how much I found great comfort in the following things:

1. None of my female friends find the OM attractive. They all saw his Facebook page and LinkedIn page and they ALL had the same confused look on their face. That's him?

2. My best friend EAD came over for Memorial Day. He spoke briefly with my W. We ate barbeque & played with my sons. As he was saying goodbye on my front steps, he switches the topic and casually says "Bro, this thing is aging her." I asked what he meant, and he said she just didn't look exhausted, but she looked older and stressed out. I couldn't tell, because I see W every day, but he hadn't seen her in 3 months.

3. Most days, W does not bother looking for a job. She tells her friends she has to find a way to support herself and "be independent". However, she has not worked a full time job in 11 years (her choice, not mine). She doesn't seem interested in finding one anytime soon.

4. She continues to limit her interactions with her longtime best friends to once or twice a week, while OM and her 2 MLC friends talk to her every day. She tries to make her MLC friends feel like best friends, but one of them is very lonely & very broke, and the other is also a SAHM who's very naive and looks up to my W as some sort of rebellious know-it-all.

5. The person I speak to the most about my M suggests that OM could be going through an MLC as well, or is likely just lonely and can't do any better for companionship than my W. It seems like 10% of their relationship that was PA is over and it's now an EA that exists over the phone. (OM was so wrecked from his own D that he lost 2 jobs and is still hung up on his XW.)

I felt bad for feeling these things. Why am I rooting against my W? It took a while to realize - I am rooting against her MLC, not her. Who she's become is a teenage girl who thinks only of her social life. I applaud every failure - every unfinished project, every scatterbrained idea never utilized, every impulse purchase that just sits there.

[Brubeck]

I can't stand her. I freaking hate her so much. She's oblivious to the stress she's causing around the house. She thinks she can make up for neglecting our kids with cookies and fast food. I get the boys settled into bed, they're finally getting quiet, and that's when she gets off the phone with the OM and comes into the kids room to start tickle fights and get them all riled up again so she can assuage the guilt of having ignored them all night. It's really hard to keep a PMA, I know I'm supposed to, but really only my sons bring it out of me.

She temperature checks me by undressing near the bedroom doorway, sleeping next to me in the bed on certain nights, or by looking me in the eye only when she's wearing make up. I am so angry. I know it's not good. I know I'm giving her more reasons to leave the M. Sometimes I want to end the M myself because I am still furious that she's having an A (90% EA). I want her to go out into the world as a single mom and fend for herself. Let's see how much energy she has to "see what's out there" after spending 11 years without a job and having your H pay for everything (including your social life) while making no demands aside from watching the kids while he's at work.

Right now, my sons are the reason I come home every day and do this all over again. She makes me so mad. She thinks if she just loses a bunch of weight and learns to walk in high heels again that her life will turn into the magical movie playing in her head.

After my close friend made his comment on Memorial day about how my W looked stressed and much older since her MLC started, I thanked him for his perspective. He shrugged it off, and said "Hey, when she gets around to dealing with you - that will be the easy part for her. Her biggest problem is that has to face herself first."

I try to remember this. I try to remember that she's not well - but all I see is someone trying to have a good time with my money. I hear her complain about her knees hurting from the exercise and I hope it gets worse. I want her to crash & burn. I want her to run out of steam. I want the consequences of her poor choices and impulsive behavior to smack her right in her face. I really hate her right now.

[CaliGuy]

More thoughts...

During my last therapy session, I asked my therapist a question she couldn't answer. I asked why with regards to my M, I was bothered by how much I found great comfort in the following things:

1. None of my female friends find the OM attractive. They all saw his Facebook page and LinkedIn page and they ALL had the same confused look on their face. That's him?

You find comfort in this because lets be honest .. her finding a OM is a shot to your ego right, to understand OM isnt all that and to be validated is an ego boost .... most MLCrs 'affair down' ... this helps their fragile ego aswell.

2. My best friend EAD came over for Memorial Day. He spoke briefly with my W. We ate barbeque & played with my sons. As he was saying goodbye on my front steps, he switches the topic and casually says "Bro, this thing is aging her." I asked what he meant, and he said she just didn't look exhausted, but she looked older and stressed out. I couldn't tell, because I see W every day, but he hadn't seen her in 3 months.

Again ... this is common, its the stress they have put on themselves ... lack of sleep either its wrestling with the demons in the tunnel, staying out late, drinking more .. just the added stress of a new lifestyle and not knowing internally wth is going on that ages them, I have seen it visibly during the crisis.

3. Most days, W does not bother looking for a job. She tells her friends she has to find a way to support herself and "be independent". However, she has not worked a full time job in 11 years (her choice, not mine). She doesn't seem interested in finding one anytime soon.

Well.... she has a plan in her head, its fantasy but something she will focus on making reality .... she lands a great job, kicks you out and lives happily ever after with OM, this is her strategy so keep that in mind as you go through this, at some point she will break free from you because you are the root cause for her unhappiness in her mind.

4. She continues to limit her interactions with her longtime best friends to once or twice a week, while OM and her 2 MLC friends talk to her every day. She tries to make her MLC friends feel like best friends, but one of them is very lonely & very broke, and the other is also a SAHM who's very naive and looks up to my W as some sort of rebellious know-it-all.

Again... script. They will break all ties, spouse first then one by one her old life and old friends will be cast aside .... will not be till much much later she reconnects in reverse order with those she eliminated ... spouse being last.

5. The person I speak to the most about my M suggests that OM could be going through an MLC as well, or is likely just lonely and can't do any better for companionship than my W. It seems like 10% of their relationship that was PA is over and it's now an EA that exists over the phone. (OM was so wrecked from his own D that he lost 2 jobs and is still hung up on his XW.)

Yes, again ... 'affair down' the OM is possible in crisis, in my case a total narcissist who was in the right place at the right time. 2 broken people who swore they are soul mates, the A will die on its own but may take time ... and possibly several breakups ... in my case I think it has been over 6 but I lost count/interest.

I felt bad for feeling these things. Why am I rooting against my W? It took a while to realize - I am rooting against her MLC, not her. Who she's become is a teenage girl who thinks only of her social life. I applaud every failure - every unfinished project, every scatterbrained idea never utilized, every impulse purchase that just sits there.

You are 'rooting' against her because her actions are not ones you agree with ... you want her to fail and fall flat on her face so she will wake the F up. She may or may not wake .. and if its a true MLC I am here to tell you its a long hard ride. This is why you have to detach, focus on you ... you did not break her and you sure as heck can not fix her, she has to do this on her own ... if you learn anything learn that ... focus and use this time for you ... you will need to be strong for yourself and your kids.

[CaliGuy]

I can't stand her. I freaking hate her so much. She's oblivious to the stress she's causing around the house. She thinks she can make up for neglecting our kids with cookies and fast food. I get the boys settled into bed, they're finally getting quiet, and that's when she gets off the phone with the OM and comes into the kids room to start tickle fights and get them all riled up again so she can assuage the guilt of having ignored them all night. It's really hard to keep a PMA, I know I'm supposed to, but really only my sons bring it out of me.

She temperature checks me by undressing near the bedroom doorway, sleeping next to me in the bed on certain nights, or by looking me in the eye only when she's wearing make up. I am so angry. I know it's not good. I know I'm giving her more reasons to leave the M. Sometimes I want to end the M myself because I am still furious that she's having an A (90% EA). I want her to go out into the world as a single mom and fend for herself. Let's see how much energy she has to "see what's out there" after spending 11 years without a job and having your H pay for everything (including your social life) while making no demands aside from watching the kids while he's at work.

Right now, my sons are the reason I come home every day and do this all over again. She makes me so mad. She thinks if she just loses a bunch of weight and learns to walk in high heels again that her life will turn into the magical movie playing in her head.

After my close friend made his comment on Memorial day about how my W looked stressed and much older since her MLC started, I thanked him for his perspective. He shrugged it off, and said "Hey, when she gets around to dealing with you - that will be the easy part for her. Her biggest problem is that has to face herself first."

I try to remember this. I try to remember that she's not well - but all I see is someone trying to have a good time with my money. I hear her complain about her knees hurting from the exercise and I hope it gets worse. I want her to crash & burn. I want her to run out of steam. I want the consequences of her poor choices and impulsive behavior to smack her right in her face. I really hate her right now.

Ok .. all that ^^^ .... if you were detached and doing your own thing it will not mess with you as much, its going to sting .. but over time it will sting less. You have no control over this .. over her ... so why get yourself worked up with things outside your control.

You also need to start laying down some serious boundaires ... she will test them, she will blow up and spew (buy a spew jacket) ./.. she will verbally assault you ... (Drink a STFU smoothie .. validate and truth dart)

Bottom line is ... she does not respect you, no woman will sleep with a man she does not respect. If she is having an A ... kick her out of YOUR bedroom, teach her that this behavior is not acceptable .. she doesn't like it she can leave, it will not be you leaving the house nor the kids.

This may be a hard lined approach but you have to start forming some boundaries because she at the moment is doing as she likes and rubbing your face in it. Detach, 180, GAL ... set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept.

[Brubeck]

CaliGuy - thanks for your feedback, brother. I am trying to detach, GAL, 180 - but I also have to deal with 3 little boys while my W lays in bed all day on the phone. There's only so much I can do.

You find comfort in this because lets be honest .. her finding a OM is a shot to your ego right, to understand OM isnt all that and to be validated is an ego boost .... most MLCrs 'affair down' ... this helps their fragile ego aswell.

I suppose. I just can't imagine my W dumping everything we've built over 19 years for a guy who may be too broke to support himself (last month she sent him a $60 wire transfer through her mother's bank account). I'm just curious about who this guy is and what his appeal is. The conversations they have border on childish. He's obviously desperate, but if she's enjoying the conversation then I guess she is too.

Well.... she has a plan in her head, its fantasy but something she will focus on making reality .... she lands a great job, kicks you out and lives happily ever after with OM, this is her strategy so keep that in mind as you go through this, at some point she will break free from you because you are the root cause for her unhappiness in her mind.

This is the part that everybody assures me will never happen but still kind of worries me. My W hasn't held a full time job in 11 years. Until her MLC, I would have called my W an angel...but she's the laziest angel ever. Even now in the tunnel, I can see her lack of ambition to do all the things she wants. Lazy lazy lazy. OM is not interested in settling down with a SAHM with 3 kids.

Yes, again ... 'affair down' the OM is possible in crisis, in my case a total narcissist who was in the right place at the right time. 2 broken people who swore they are soul mates, the A will die on its own but may take time ... and possibly several breakups ... in my case I think it has been over 6 but I lost count/interest.

Bingo. OM knew my W only in 4th grade and re-connected with her on Facebook group chats just as her MLC hit. He actually used romantic talk about her "walking in slow motion" down the school hallway, how "God blessed [her] with a gorgeous soul", and that her beauty "froze" him when he sat across from her. In her fragile state, I guess that's all it took.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy - thanks for your feedback, brother. I am trying to detach, GAL, 180 - but I also have to deal with 3 little boys while my W lays in bed all day on the phone. There's only so much I can do.

I suppose. I just can't imagine my W dumping everything we've built over 19 years for a guy who may be too broke to support himself (last month she sent him a $60 wire transfer through her mother's bank account). I'm just curious about who this guy is and what his appeal is. The conversations they have border on childish. He's obviously desperate, but if she's enjoying the conversation then I guess she is too.

Look at all the people on this site, I would wager not one thought this would happen to them. I never thought my W after 26 years would have moved out, had a 3 year on again off again affair ... .. file for D 3 times .. but here I am.
As far as the money transfer .. I am not up on your sitch but you realize you are funding her A right? Phones ... money transfers time locked up in YOUR bedroom sexting it up with another dude ... she is not thinking OMG this OM is a loser, she is in a deep fog and letting her FeelZ lead her actions and to what consequence?

This is the part that everybody assures me will never happen but still kind of worries me. My W hasn't held a full time job in 11 years. Until her MLC, I would have called my W an angel...but she's the laziest angel ever. Even now in the tunnel, I can see her lack of ambition to do all the things she wants. Lazy lazy lazy. OM is not interested in settling down with a SAHM with 3 kids.

Yeah ... everyone who is not MLC nuts ... protect yourself, your kids, and your assets you are not dealing with someone who is going to act logically. As far as OM, you are probably right ... he has no intention of settling down, he is just getting all the good stuff while you provide .... look up Cake eating and I suggest you also read up onb Boundaries afterwards.

Bingo. OM knew my W only in 4th grade and re-connected with her on Facebook group chats just as her MLC hit. He actually used romantic talk about her "walking in slow motion" down the school hallway, how "God blessed [her] with a gorgeous soul", and that her beauty "froze" him when he sat across from her. In her fragile state, I guess that's all it took.

Yup ... soul mates who missed a chance at love ... lets call in a Mulligan and fall in love like we were destined to do ... Just forget I have a husband and 3 kids. This is how normal people act. If it were not this OM , it would have been another, I would guess the lack of a working social life limits her exposure to men who would look for this type of opportunity. Mine was a work college from an old job, random email asking how she was and in a month lead to "I'm unhappy and leaving my wife" of course mine realized she was unhappy too and started the plan ... in some circles this is called an Exit Affair.

[Bee29]

Brubeck, I really like CuliGuy's replies to you. I read everywhere that once the couple separates - no longer lives under the same roof - it's usually a sure divorce soon after. I must say that me asking my husband to move out was the best thing I could do. For me & the kids. I was so unhappy & so unbalanced when he was home. Every time he was on his computer or on his phone I suspected he may be exchanging e-mails or texts with his "muse". Every time he was withdrawn or dreamy I suspected he'd rather be somewhere with her (even though it's the usual him - very much in his own world). It had an impact on my moods & also on the atmosphere in the family.
After he moved out it was soooo difficult for me. He was reproaching to me that I kicked him out at every opportunity, still does. I was well aware that I'm giving him opportunity to spend much more time with the OW than if he was home. I'm also taking care of the kids while he is doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants. But, it got me much closer with the kids (they are both teenagers so it's a little miracle they talk to me so much) & after a few weeks (or 3 months, to be exact) I feel much better. I'm much more balanced, much calmer, don't think about what he does when he's not with us.
I could never reach this state if he stayed home. I could never detach. My son said that though he'd like that his father comes back to me one day, he also got used to the peace & calm that is in our house now (my husband is very moody & nervous type and also quite loud when he gets excited - even if talking about his day at work).
I must admit I feel the same way. & though I do wish he comes back at some point, I think if it was tomorrow I'd say no, too soon...

[HaWho]

Hi Brubeck - the live-in MLCer is a living nightmare. And "raising" young kids with a live-in MLCer is for the LBS, to parent alone in a living nightmare.

As you consider your boundaries, in addition to thinking over the sleeping arrangement and your funding of everything, let me also ask you: does she cook meals, clean the house, pack lunches for the kids, etc.? Or does she truly just lay in bed all day long? Are you doing everything: working full time, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bathing kids, etc. and then waking up and doing it all over again?

Is your wife a complete foggy space cadet right now? If not, then, in my humble opinion, it is time to give her a few days notice and then tell her you are going away x night and will return y time. (More than 24 hours.) Say nothing more and go away by yourself.

If she is not reliable and too foggy to be trusted, do you have family or friends you can leave the kids with for a night? My VERY big suggestion is that you go away for a night by yourself, and very soon. The distance really helps rejuvenate you and gives you perspective. Don't say anything to her other than you are going away. If she asks where, be vague. When I told my h this, I told him I was going where the wind took me. And that's exactly what I did.

It is time for you to get a break, my friend. People who live with MLCers need to get away from it all to maintain sanity. How can you make this happen? You deserve a break and you need one.

[Brubeck]

My problem with going into unexplained absences is that she doesn't want to know if I disappear, although I've done it. Before her MLC, if I was getting ready to go out she would ask "where are you going?" Now in MLC she just verifies "Going out?" She doesn't want any explanation for when I leave the house, that way she can tell herself "he's with another woman".

I know my W, if I disappear, she will tell herself that I'm out cheating - it will justify her own A to her.

I just became the Ops. Manager at my company. I'm swamped these days. I've spent a couple of Sunday afternoons going into the office to catch up. My W makes a point to call me at the office EVERY TIME I go in. I bet it's to make sure I'm there.

Sunday from last week I left the office and went straight to a friend's house. I stayed there from 9 till midnight. She called my cell twice at 11 pm - which I bet was the exact time her friends left.

Yesterday I went to the office on a Sunday afternoon and she called me there TWICE. The second time she mentioned the boys were asking for Little Caesar's pizza. I'll bet anything this was her way of trying to get me to come home with pizza instead of going out. It was also probably her ploy to get me home so she could go to her MLC friend's house.

I do need to take a break. Many of my friends are telling me to do that, they're saying I'm beating myself up over the situation. My therapist has emphasized "being good to yourself". I don't mind spending all my evenings with my sons, I love 'em like crazy, and because my W is just laying around all the time, they're gravitating towards me more and more. Once I'm home from work, they ignore her completely. I am not saying I'm Super Dad, but I am definitely way more attentive to them than she is.