When I get home from work, My W is in the bedroom on the phone with OM. I go straight to be with the kids and leave her alone. When she comes into a room WITHOUT her cell phone I say hi. If I get home and she's in the kitchen and not on the phone I greet her and ask her about her day and ask about the kids. After that, I leave her alone - she is usually on her cell phone with OM or other girlfriends all night anyway. I am not shy about asking her anything regarding the kids or the house. I don't avoid her, but I don't engage her unless necessary. She's an awful actress and always tries to sound annoyed when she says hello.
My W spent months saying she doesn't love me anymore and wants a D. She wants to focus on her social life and dating other men and our entire relationship was crap except for the first year and she ignored all the red flags to leave me sooner. I am respecting her wishes to go focus on her new life. She only contacts me for stuff about the kids or the house. BUT, my W just told her friend* that I'm ignoring her. Do MLCers know they're talking out the side of their neck?
Also... I came home one Friday to find my W dressed up super sexy. I stopped complimenting her on her appearance last month, even though her MLC sent her into overdrive with make up and clothes. She did her Friday night dinner with her girlfriends, and came home kind of early and spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning walking around in panties. I presume she was temperature checking me since I didn't make notice of her appearance. I spent the rest of that Saturday being PMA with the kids and that evening she said she wanted to go out with her girlfriend and actually asked me if I wanted her to stay home???
(*friend is the type MLCers seek who doesn't know them as well as their closest friends and therefore more likely to believe anything they say.)
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
If something isn't working, try something else. You'll know from her reaction if what you are doing is working or not.
Yes, they do tend to talk out of both sides of their mouths. Their emotions rule their thoughts. One day what you are doing may annoy them and the next day they want you to lavish them w/attention, etc. Again, I would suggest that you try something different. For example, compliment her on how she's dressed if she's all dressed up. Look her in the eye and smile when you compliment her. If she's done something that is good around the home or w/the children, compliment her. I know it may not be anything super special, but she needs to know that you are noticing and appreciating what she's doing. No matter what she says about it's too little to late w/the compliments, keep doing it!
Also, have you read the detachment thread at the top of the forum? If not, please do so. It may help you better understand what detachment is. It takes a long time to get the hang of detachment and even longer to see results...but if you persist w/your detachment, it will eventually work. You just have to have patience. It won't work immediately...it takes time.
Again, if something isn't working, try something else. Dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't caught up with your situation and your other thread yet, I just wanted to say that it is really hard knowing what works and what doesn't. Are you also trying to GAL? Are you working on yourself? I'm guilty of this, as I try to work on the relationship but I don't think I have consciously made an effort to work on me yet. I hope you find something that works for you.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am trying to GAL. It's a bit hard to do with 3 boys ages 7 and under, but I'm trying.
When I first sought help for my W's MLC, I contacted friends and exes I haven't seen or spoken to in decades. EVERYBODY responded and I re-ignited friendships that I'm trying to nurture as best as I can (these friends have problems too and need someone to listen).
I joined a meditation group, I got into therapy (only 3 sessions so far), and I bought DB but I can't find time to read it because my W is home a lot.
I also joined a gym, but finding time for that is hard as well. I'll keep trying.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
This is very confusing. I am detaching as much as possible. I never call or text when I am out of the house. I greet W hello when I get home if she's about the house. Most of the time she's not, she's laying in bed on her cell phone with OM. I focus on being with the kids. I will engage her to discuss children or household matters. I will thank her for any recent housecleaning she's done.
She's telling one of her girlfriends that I spend all my time ignoring her. I don't! I focus on keeping the kids out of her way so she can goof off on the phone all night with OM or one of her girlfriends. The kids don't even bother engaging her once I get home.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
"Again, I would suggest that you try something different. For example, compliment her on how she's dressed if she's all dressed up. Look her in the eye and smile when you compliment her. If she's done something that is good around the home or w/the children, compliment her. I know it may not be anything super special, but she needs to know that you are noticing and appreciating what she's doing. No matter what she says about it's too little to late w/the compliments, keep doing it!"
Your wife craves attention and affirmation. She's 14 all over again and she needs to be recognized when she does something nice. Why not take the kids out for a quick dinner and ask if she would like to go along? If she says no, then you know not to ask her again.
Also, by her telling friends that you are ignoring her...maybe she wants to see you jump thru hoops to win her back.
Try something different and test the waters. It certainly won't hurt your current situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Trying to keep my posts short. I'm researching the hell out of this, but I still need feedback.
Job - thank you so much for your input. I'm sorry if I'm not listening. I am just trying to give W space, she prefers to spend all her time giggling on the phone with OM.
I am GALing and Detaching, but it's only been 4 months. She's trying like crazy to stay busy, but she can't keep focus. I mostly see a woman who's learning how to paint, exercising and having more wine nights with her girlfriends. We haven't fought in weeks. She even told her girlfriends that she's trying to cut back on the overspending.
She told one girlfriend I just gave her the best the best mother's day ever, but it made her feel guilty. I don't know why.
She STILL lies about the history of our M to her girlfriends in a very matter-of-fact way. She tells them she wants to get a job and support herself so she can take over the mortgage, file a separation and ask me to leave. She hasn't worked a full-time job in 11 years (her choice), and she's not looking very hard to find one now.
These days, her whole life is phone calls with the OM (someone from 4th grade), going on Facebook or texting. That's when she's most happy.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
You've been giving her space and yet she's also complaining to a friend that you are ignoring her. Maybe she needs a little wee bit of attention, i.e., if she's dressed nicely, say so, etc. You don't have to go over the top w/attention. It's the little things that make an impact on them.
Yes, they do attempt to stay busy so that their focus isn't on the internal issues. They need something to take their mind off of that pain. BTW, their attention space is that of a gnat! She'll try a lot of different things and each one will be put aside as she tries something else.
The Mother's Day gift made her feel guilty because she knows that she's not been acting properly towards you and the kids. Guilt and shame are two of the ingredient in MLC. At least she acknowledge the gift, if only to a friend.
Lying is all part of MLC and if their lips are moving, the lies will spill forth. Yeah, I guess she does want to get a job...she's dreaming about it, but probably hasn't put forth much effort to apply for jobs. She's living in a fantasy world, a world where you can't reach her right now.
Yep, that old phone sure does get a lot of use in MLC! It's actually attached to their hand constantly like a teenager. Facebook is another way for them to express themselves and also get a lot of attention.
I know you are GALing and taking care of your children...but be sure to carve out a bit of time for you to re-energize yourself along the way.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My therapist, 3 of my friends, and now Job have told me to create "me" time even if I am GALing. It must be obvious that I'm not looking after my own needs. I don't think I know how to.
What I am learning about myself is that I follow the work. I go where I am needed. The work of my home calls me. I think of my home as a boat navigating the ocean that is the world. There is W and the kids and the MIL and FIL and an uncle as well. I have to keep this boat going for everybody on board. MIL helps a bit, W helps a bit.
I leave W alone and stay occupied elsewhere, but I can't help but think about her. I see the overall confusion: the overspending, the self-delusion, the lack of focus and the regression to adolescence. Among her chaos that I witness, I have a moment or two of relief, because it's not me who's blowing up my marriage on an unattainable fantasy of being 18 again. I find no comfort in that, but I remind myself of that now & again. I am still very afraid of my marriage ending, but at the same time I am telling myself that if it does end that I am not largely at fault.
It's also very difficult because I have to remind myself of how much pain she is in and how hard she is now working to avoid acknowledging that pain. I am conscious that she is now dealing with a lot of verbal, physical and sexual abuse (all from her immediate family) boiling to the top after years of repression. However, all I see is an irresponsible woman giving me the middle finger as she plots out her fabulous single life while I am paying ALL the bills and raising the kids. It's hard to separate the two. Really hard. Incredibly hard.
For my every moment of sadness, there is one of anger. For my every moment of contentment, there is one of confusion. Last night I was laughing to myself at her most recent impulse purchase - it was so tacky. This morning I was in tears because my fear created another catastrophe that may never happen. I am still unraveling everything.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
