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It is very difficult to help someone in depression. A depressed person has to recognize that something is wrong with him/her. Do not blame yourself because of course he would have gone through a grieving process when his mother died. But his seeking the company of another woman while married is not your fault, rather, it demonstrates his poor coping skills.

And when I say OW is getting a "poorer version of your h," I didn't mean in financial terms! I meant a poorer man in emotional and moral terms. The money, to me, has nothing to do with him being a better version of himself.

If you do the reading on affairs, he feels so bad about himself/things that he turned to OW to make him feel better (a band-aid). Because he is so broken emotionally (plus he is married!) he can only attract a certain person. That pool of women is not good. That's why they all affair down.

I am also 41. So I understand how you feel. As for the dating, it's tricky. If we aren't fully healed we probably won't be attracting the best quality person. And if we do meet some wonderful person, we may not be ready as we ourselves are still healing.

The question is how do you begin to rebuild yourself in a healthy way?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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HaWho,

An excellent posting!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I STILL have a random "why" question every now and then. It's normal, don't beat yourself up over it.

This is what my H has said about his actions....
....everything was easy, I didn't have all the stress and responsibilities like I did when we were together. When I went to her kids baseball games it was because I wanted to be with her. She was always so happy and stress free, she never asked me to do anything or complained about anything I did or my family did. It was all good because it was new.

So basically they didn't have a "REAL" life, they lived an immature irresponsible fantasy life. My H doesn't have the coping skills to deal with real life. (He also has addiction issues, not drug or alcohol but 'love/lust/sex')

Your H and the OW are still living the fantasy life because there is no commitment and daily stress. I'm NOT saying to do this just IMAGINE... if he had full custody of the kids & he was responsible for mortgage/bills/household with OW like he was with you. That fantasy life would end REAL quick and then would either of them have the relationship skills to cope? I don't think so.

My H didn't go through a mid life crisis, he has other issues but I have been able to ask him things like "why did you treat her so much better than me?" Having some of these questions answered has helped but honestly it's still hard to accept.

Why don't you try setting some daily & weekly goals?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Thank you Twinmom, in what your H said it feels like it's word for word what my H feels.
Can't believe how much anger H has against me! Wouldn't want to be in his shoes because he has hatred towards the mother of his first child, and now towards me. It must be energy consuming for him. All this started because H asked if he was meant to see his kids tonight because he had them yesterday!

Honestly what kind of a father asked if he is meant to see his kids! I replied telling him that I would leave it to him to decide if he wants to see his children or not. Then he replied angrily saying that he didn't fancy driving all the way to see the kids if I had plans ( bear in mind that he leaves with OW, who is in the same town as me!).At that point I was laughing because it's a school night and for the last 18 months I don't have anything planned on Mondays because it's when he sees the kids. I replied that there is no need to be aggressive and that maybe he could chose his wording more carefully next time as it comes across as it is a chore for him to see his kids. I didn't have any expectations of him to turn up ( as when he has them on the Sunday, he never shows up the following Monday despite him asking to see his kids every Monday in the separation agreement!), but he did turn up.
I know it is all again centered on my H but I'm proud of myself because I gave him a truth dart (something I'd never have done before because I'd be watching what I was saying in case he'd want to come back) and I wasn't scared to do it! Each day (even with wobbles), I'm getting more confident in standing my ground with H. You could hear in his voice that he isn't happy. My kids were happy to see him because I didn't tell them that he was coming, so it was a good surprise for them.

On a positive note, my boss congratulate me for my exams results as my students have achieved a grade higher in my subject than all of their others subject. So despite my personal life being in turmoil I was still able to deliver more! I'm so proud of myself as it's a proof that I'm stronger than I think I am.

I know it's going to be a long road for me to heal as deep down I still want H back but I'm also discovering who I am and realising that I'm stronger than I think I was.
Twinmom, I think you are right and I need to set myself some daily and weekly goal. Thank you everyone for your support here.

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Had a laugh with my IC about H. I explained to her both incidents of him asking me to tell kids that he won't come and decide for him if he wants to come and see his kids. She made me understood that his anger towards me was because I was standing up to him, that I was making him responsible for his own choices, and that he no longer able to blame me for his actions.

We also carried on talking about how much progress I have made since I stated working with her nearly a year ago (despite having some relapses), and where I am now if H decides to come back. I told her that I'm still in working progress, whereas H hasn't even started to work on his own issues to become a better man. So I am ahead of him, and he looks like he will probably never catch up with me. She added that I sounded so much more positive, but mainly in my comments to her she could see that I have started to love myself. It was so nice to have her giving me such a great compliment.

IC said that H was treating OW differently than me but it doesn't necessarily means that he is happier. Also his actions of not introducing OW to our kids could be an indication that OW isn't that great nor the love of his life. If she was she'd have been in contact with my kids.

She also added that it was normal that I feel sad considering all that is happening to me at the moment. Today I feel at peace and happy.

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I am quite a lot annoyed with H, he is now playing the devoted dad whereas when we were together he would hardly spend some time with our kids. The kids came back saying that they like going to their dad's because they go to bed later than with me and he is backing cakes with them! I'm like WTF? He never did this when we were together!

I'm feeling it's not fair as he is becoming the dad I know he could be expect that it's without me! Also he turned up very late last night to pick up kids and I texted him asking next time to let me know when he would be late as I had plans, and when he turned up he was angrily asking the kids to hurry up to get their things as I had to go! To be fair I didn't appreciate being blamed that the kids had to rush because I wanted to go out, while he was in the first place running late.

I don't understand why I'm jealous! I know I see a glimpse of who he could really be but it will never be with me. This really s@#ks!

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Rouky,

He's a Disney dad and is trying to look good not only in the children's eyes, but everyone's. Trust me, this type of behavior will eventually go by the wayside. He knows that the children will come back and tell you about this and he also knows it will annoy you.

Others have experienced the same thing and eventually stopped. Wishing/hoping's posts came to mind when I read your posting today.

Don't allow the green eyed monster of jealousy get to you. It's not worth it. Just be glad he wants to be Betty Crocker for a bit. LOL!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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If he tries to blame you for something/make you look bad in front of the kids try this.....
Put your hand up like a stop sign, tell him word for word "STOP, we both know the truth and it's disrespectful to both of us to lie."


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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twinmom,

I love it! That's a very good idea and it will stop him in his tracks! No additional conversation necessary.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wow Twinmom that's great. I'm gonna use it.
I can see how affair start. A brother of one of my friend (married) has been becoming close to me and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Big Red Flag! So I told him that I respect his wife and will not talk to him anymore. He says that we weren't doing noting wrong as we have known each other for a long time. I said true but when you share private info there is a big problem.


I'm proud of myself because I listened to my guts, I am lonely at times and have enjoyed talking to him but not to his wife's expense. Maybe being cheated on made me more sensitive, but I have always says I ain't getting involved with a married man, and I'm sticking to my values. I am feeling relieved because I know I have done the right thing, and it also proves what strength I have. I could have easily got involved with a married man. Yes I'm lonely and like his attention, but I'm not betraying my values. This shows that if you are an healthy person you can make the right decision.

I make me feel better comparing to my H's OW as I'm better than her ( i know I shouldn't talk down about people), because if she was healthy mentally she would have realised that what she was doing with my H was wrong. I do briber that if you want you can stop an affair happening, she didn't. In fact it says a lot about her and her values. If H is happy to have a woman who has no values nor self-respect, than they are probably a match made in heaven.

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