Rouky, that's a great accomplishment! You should be very proud of yourself!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I agree! I'm very proud of you. What an accomplishment and see what happened when you wouldn't do his biding for him? He came over and even if he didn't stay long, he still was there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it normal to feel jealous? I found out ( and at times wish that people mind their own business) that H took OW to a festival and is bying her presents. That is why I'm jealous because even we were courting and dating he had never done anything like that, and it hurts because now he is involved with his kids more than when we were together ( and I always knew he could be a good dad), and he is paying more attention to OW than when I was with him!
I don't like that because he has become who I think he was all along but with OW and I don't think that is fair. I gave him my everything and she is getting all I have only wanted from him. I have to keep telling myself that if he does this is because with his kids, he has learnt his lessons with his first child, and I guess for OW he has to keep her happy or he will think that he has had another failed relationships again! Why couldn't he be like that with me instead of her? I'm so not impressed! I feel that this is so unfair because OW is getting the best version of H. I always knew he could be loving and caring but why not with me!
Don't allow the green eyed monster of jealousy ruin your weekend. Sure, he's going to give the OW presents and do things w/her because that's part of the wooing process of the crisis individual. He's doing everything to look like the good guy in her eyes, even if she was in the wings waiting for an affair w/your h. I do understand how you feel, I went thru something very similar, but then I stepped back and thought about it and just chuckled because she thought she got a winner of a guy. Just remember...leopards don't change their spots and the habits of the h you knew will eventually begin to show.
As for the children, well, he's trying to prove to everyone that he's a great dad and is spending a lot of time w/the kids. This may very well settle down in time.
Rouky, it's not about you. It's all about him and this new persona he's got going on and wanting to look like a great catch. Please don't give it a second thought. You were and still are the prize...he just doesn't realize it yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just having a why day today. I know it shouldn't be about H but I'm struggling with not having answers to my inner questions. This weekend is my weekend with kids but as I ask H if I could have the kids last weekend for a day he has them today. In a way I'm glad he has them, but I keep wondering why does he pretend to play the carrying dad while we are in this situation because of him? Why is he not behaving like he did with his first daughter? ( not seeing her much and not re-scheduled things). Maybe it's because he has learnt from his mistakes with his first daughter! Why did he ask to have the kids today when it is his child free weekend? Surely he would want to spend it with OW! He told the kids today that he was working yesterday, why would he work on his child free weekend? Why would he not want to spend the day with OW? When we were together at the beginning he would make a point of not working during the weekend (he was self employ!), now he is working for someone and earns a descent wage! So he doesn't really need to work at the weekend. Why can't he just enjoy life and appreciate what he already has: a good job, kids who love him and an OW who is in love with him?
My friend is saying that I should be grateful that OW isn't introduced to my kids, but in a way I want her to be so the kids can see why we are in this situation. I read a lot here about OW/OM being introduced but why my H doesn't do it? He has been dating her for nearly 4 years now, so surely she means something to him. So why won't he do it? He isn't showing any sign of wanting to come back to his family, so why not showning her to his kids and family? Also why won't he file for divorce? He doesn't want to be with me nor our kids, why not letting me go? I might sound selfish but why can't I be like him? Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why can't I lead a single life and only see kids part-time? Why can't I put things into boxes and shh my feelings? Why do I keep hoping that he will wake up? He hasn't shown any sign of coming back! And mainly why am I still focusing on him when he was never good to me. Could it be that I'm scared that I will be single for the rest of my life?
On the other hand I have arranged for a girly weekend next week. The sun is shining and I have been able to do loads of washing, and I'm getting ready to apply for a pay rise!
I hope that God has something good in store for me, but all the people I go out with are all older than me and have been single for more than 10 years and I have to admit that doesn't give me much hope. I'm on some dating websites but the people that I seem to attract aren't really nice ( not looking to be a friend with benefit!), or am I being too fussy?
Am jealous that H has been able to find OW in a natural way (kind of), while I have to resort to dating sites and I find this degrading ( sorry for those who are on them too!). Why aren't there any descent men out there who would want to fight to be with me. I'm going out and working on myself! At times I don't understand where my life is going and I'd love to have some guidance from the man above.
Rourky, I want to respond more in depth but I'm super busy with work but wanted to point one thing out.
OW is WORSE than the dating site guys. She IS a "friend with benefits" to your H. FOR FOUR YEARS! He has NO commitment to her, actually even a negative one as he has shown he won't divorce you or introduce her to family.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hey Rouky! So many questions! I get it; I get to that point, too. I'm glad you're having a girly weekend soon and feeling grateful for sunshine, laundry accomplishments, and a possible pay raise. These are all good things. Find more of those (lift a rock or two)!
As for the "whys"...
My dad used to say, "the whys make you wise if you use them wisely". Silly, but true in a way. I'm going to have to add to that, however (sorry, Dad) "as long as it has nothing to do with the thought process of an MLC spouse". That doesn't make you wiser...its like a dog chasing its own tail. Spins you round and round pointlessly and only biting your own self in the end if you catch something. I hurt myself every time I do it and, even though I think, "A-ha! I've diagnosed his problem!" or "I understand now why he behaves this way!", it really does nothing to help the situation or those in it. We're basically guessing and the emotions it brings to the surface can really set us back sometimes (anger, sadness, despair, anxiety). Let's just say, they take the path that seems to them to be the easiest way to get out of pain...and they are in enough pain that they aren't thinking it all through. Like being desperate enough to resort to chewing your leg off to free yourself from a trap rather than taking the time to try figuring out how to release the trap? They see us as the problem. When we're gone, if the problem still exists, they're going to have an interesting time trying to figure out what the source is ...they won't immediately realize what it is so it will cause all sorts of strange behavior. Hang on for a really wild ride!
As for the dating sites, I guess you just have to be patient. I'm not D yet, but I signed up for a trial just to look over the "prospects" (LOL) and try to get out of my 26 year mindset of not even looking at another guy. At first it was depressing, but there have been a few that made me stop and go back to take another look. If I were to that point, I could see myself actually giving them a chance.
We have a lot to get over. A lot to move past. We just need to be very gentle and patient with ourselves...there really is no need to rush into a relationship to fill the empty space that H left. We should try to fill that with ourselves first. Having a connection to another should just be icing on the cake. Be patient, be choosy, and don't resort to being desperate enough to get out of pain that YOU choose to "gnaw your leg off". You are worth way more than that.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
No matter how many festivals, presents are bought, etc. your h and OW have a story and it is not romantic. It's trashy. When people ask how they meet, just think about the answer! It is a "relationship" founded on lies and secrets. For FOUR years!!!
Look, I have a live-in MLCer. I see what this thing does to a person. I promise you, OW is not getting some great version of your h. She is getting a really, really bad version of your h--the opposite of who he was with you. And because he is so broken down, look what he's attracted! A woman willing to be with a married man. She has so little respect for herself that she accepts living her life in the shadows. No decent woman would involve herself in a situation like this. She is not worth one second of your time.
Sadly, in the state he's in right now, he's not worth your time right now either. Don't think about them. Focus on you and your kids. Look at the reality and realize you are the one who can hold your head up high, square your shoulders and be proud.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Rouky - I will confess that I'm not up to date on your sitch but just thought I'd drop off a few thoughts.
You are still very focused on your H and OW and their relationship. As I said I haven't read back to see if your H is currently engaging in other MLC madness or not so what I say might not be relevant. It would appear that you want your H back and are very jealous of OW and confused as to all of the "why" of this. I will admit to similar confusion in my own sitch. Some of the advise I've been given that I try hard to follow (and regularly fail at) is to let the MLCer take their own journey while you take yours. Someone else posted a comment for me if I remember correctly - "don't try to understand crazy".
For yourself, you seem to be wanting to enter into a new R yourself. Are you sure you're strong enough for that yet? I'm positive that you have a lot to offer because nobody who is here doesn't have a bunch of good qualities. As long as you're still attached to H, honestly are you ready for your own new journey?
Being a guy (I just checked ) and having practically no knowledge of dating sites you may want to do a "180" on that and think hard about what sort of guy you want to find and where they can be found. Are you looking for a guy who volunteers for good causes? Many mature single men do that. Are you looking for someone who loves sports and an active life? Life passes you buy if you sit still and trolling the internet for love, while it may work isn't the only way. My own daughter though met her H on the internet but it was through a chat group about a topic of mutual interest. They've just had their 4th wedding anniversary and are very much in love.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you very much Twinmom, Ciluzen, HaWho and AndrewP. The more I read everyone else sitch, the more I realise my H doesn't do any of these crazy things that MLC people do. All I know is that we lost his mum tragically 7 years ago, my H got depressed but never though professional help. Yes he told me he wasn't well, but would later told me he was fine and carried on being happy. When I finally made the appointment to the doctors, he never returned their call for a meeting. Then he blamed me because I should have gone with him! He didn't make the appointment with the counsellor. His sister did make an appointment for him and went with him for the first one but he dropped going there two months later. Yes I blame myself for not seeing how bad he was because he would say that he was fine and to be honest at the time I was dealing with a toddler and a newborn and was back at work full time. Yes I regret not helping him, but I also hate him as he never helped me and was going out a lot despite me asking me not too! One of our common friend told me (he has known H since he was a teenager) that H was always selfish!
As for the OW I don't think she has a bad version of H because he does a lot with her than he has ever done with me, but then again when we were together we were struggling financially, whereas now we both are better off financially!
AndrewP I think you are right I still love my H and I'm honest if he was to tell me that he has made a big mistake I'll take him back! This is what I don't understand and I think I'm in denial because he isn't showing any sign of wanting to come back. I haven't seen him physically for two weeks now as I feel if I don't see him I'll be better and if he doesn't see me, he can't blame me for anything. Honestly I don't know how to behave with him. I'm not consistent I have tried the friendly approach but it is hurting me a lot as I have hope, so I'm hoping going dark will help me move on.
For the dating, I have been to few dates but nothing serious as I don't think I'm ready, I just see it as an ego booster and yes I am worried to be single for the next 40 years of my life (I'm only 41!). AndrewP I can guarantee you that I will not jump into another relationship (although I have been single for 18 months now!). I had the opportunity but decline it. I'm hoping that going out will allow me to forget about H and that I will find someone who will help me to forget H and treats me better than H.
) and having practically no knowledge of dating sites you may want to do a "180" on that and think hard about what sort of guy you want to find and where they can be found. Are you looking for a guy who volunteers for good causes? Many mature single men do that. Are you looking for someone who loves sports and an active life? Life passes you buy if you sit still and trolling the internet for love, while it may work isn't the only way. My own daughter though met her H on the internet but it was through a chat group about a topic of mutual interest. They've just had their 4th wedding anniversary and are very much in love.