Thank you Esame. It's true that I'm proud of myself. I have come to realise that despite everything, I have carried on doing my job to the best of my ability knowing that it could have gone horribly wrong for me.
I can see how much growth I have achieved since my stitch started. Recently I got into an argument with a friend. Her H cheated on her and just got recently married to OW, I happened to meet him and her and we chat a bit and asked them how they were. My friend went ballistic because of that, she said that if she had seen my H she wouldn't have engaged with him. She was hurt that I ask a question about their wedding. I just did it out of courtesy as I would do for anyone who were getting married. I understand that she is hurt but I feel I have the right to talk to who I want. I'm feeling sad for her because she has so much anger against him, and limit his access to their kids. She is so bitter and at times she doesn't understand why I'm not behaving like her.
I have realised that being angry, checking every minute on FB and talking negatively about H is keeping me in the tunnel, the pain is excruciating and the only person that is hurting is me not H. For me not engaging in this behaviour means to let it go.
Despite what H has done to me I don't want to end up being bitter, unhappy and hurt for the rest of my life. I have been a very negative person and I'm doing my hardest to break that vicious circle of being negative and I think that being around this friend isn't helping me. Every time we met, we end up talking about XH/ H and I always feel down and bitter after meeting her.
I think people (who were betrayed) might not like what I'm going to say, but at the end of the day H did wrong, it did hurt like hell but if I carry on dwelling on the way past, being angry, limiting his access to kids (which I don't), and wishing him bad like my friend towards her XH, does it make me a better person than H?
Personally I don't think so. If I was to do all that, I'd have stooped to H's and OW's level, and anyhow I'd end up being the only person being hurt and bitter. H has moved on, I can't change what happened but I can become a better person. I do believe in karma, and I know H will one day reap what he sowed, and when this happens it'll not matter to me because I'd be living a fulfill life.
Does it make me doormat for not wanting revenge, for being friendly with H? No, this is making me a better person, more compassionate, and I'm loving the person I'm becoming and I'm really starting to enjoy life. I only wished I had learnt about it in a better way than through betrayal, but then again I don't think I'd have done all this work on me if it hadn't happened.
I don't know if what I'm writing is making sense but I haven't felt so hopeful, so grateful for my life and happy for a very long time.
No, it doesn't make you a doormat to not want revenge on your h for what he's done. If you can be friendly w/your h and keep your expectations at zero, then do so. You are the only one that can determine what kind of relationship that you develop w/him.
I enjoyed reading your posting and you are on the right track. You do not want to become a bitter old woman. You want to be that beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate woman that you already are. Being bitter closes you off from many wonderful experiences and relationships in life.
No, Rouky, you are not being a doormat at all. I think you are being the lighthouse in the storm w/her light shining very brightly.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much for your kind words Job as they do mean a lot to me. I might sound crazy but I do believe that things happen for a reason. In my case I was relying on H to make me happy, feel loved and help with my depression. With all this, I have now learnt that he couldn't fix me, i'm the only person that can do it! I'm not ready yet to forgive him and forget, but I'm starting to feel thankful for what has happened as I couldn't have carried on with the life I was leading! It wasn't healthy for us and the kids. I know that in time I'll thank him for what he has done as my back was against the wall and only such a chock could have forced me to look deep inside me.
I still love him, but I know we can't go back together, not because he doesn't care about me but because H hasn't done any soul searching to why he did what he did, and he hasn't started to work on him as he doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour. I'm hoping for his sake that OW will be able to provide him with what he is looking for.
H gave me two beautiful kids, we had some good times and at one point I know he loved me, unfortunately his issues ( as well as mine) got in the way of what could have been a good marriage. It wasn't meant to be. This taught me that I'm worthy, that I'm caring and loving.
I don't want to become like my friend, I have accepted my responsibility for the demise of my marriage, and I'm improving what needs to be changed. My friend and H don't see any wrong with them ( H blames me, she blames her XH), unfortunately I have learnt that in a relationship it's 50/50 for the end of it. Both aren't prepared to look introspectively. Their choice not mine.
Hi Rouky, I hear you on the friend front. I cringe when I hear of divorcee's speaking so ill of their ex's. It's true, they haven't done the work and cant see the big picture. It's very very sad actually. I think they are missing out on some of life's biggest lessons. I also cringe when I hear "happily" married people bicker and blame. They are missing some crucial elements about what they bring to the table. Uch... I just want to help them!
But enough about them.... You are amazing Rouky. I know you've been down a tough road and are coming out the other side. There's so much light there!
Have you read up on post traumatic growth? It's essentially what we're all dealing with here... But it's nice to have a little more insight into it.
Enjoy your day!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I feel I'm truly starting my journey and think I'm at the right place where I should be now. The last couple of days have been enlightening for me. Had a good conversation with a friend and what we talked about had me thinking. I do believe that if we had had that conversation a few months ago, I'd not have been so receptive about it. I see how my behaviour has pushed H away and understand why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Though it doesn't excuse his cheating! I also see what H did that forced me to withdraw from him and to put some walls around me. I wish I had known everything I know now as I'd have done things differently ( it will help me with my next relationship!).
Nothing new on H's side, I just hope he is happy. I went on OW's FB page (I know, I know) and saw a picture of her. I don't know what happened but I truly and genuinely felt sorry for her. The second I saw it, I thought she didn't look happy despite her putting up a nice pose. I felt compassion for her, and also I felt proud of myself for feeling this way. Normally people would rejoiced that OW seems unhappy but I wasn't.
I'm getting back to the Rouky I was when I first met H and it feels good. In a way I think H brought the worst out of me, so I could really look at myself and with on me.
I have decided to give dating a break as so far was meeting dodgy people, also because I have a little nagging feeling telling me that I'll carry meeting the wrong person until I have fully resolved my issues. I can't say why but I have this feeling that I'll be alright and that the right person will walk into my life when the time is right. May it be H or someone else, who knows but I know for sure that when I'll meet him I'll be happy, complete and will have a fulfilled life!
At the moment I'm content with more and happy moments popping in and there.
I can't carry on anymore. I'm not getting anywhere on the healing side. I have too many contacts with H ( 3 times a week), and I feel this is preventing from moving on because I still stupidly believe that because kids haven't met OW nor his family and no sign of D, there is still hope. Who am I kidding? His actions speak louder than words. I'm not worth fighting for nor keeping his family.
What triggered all that? I found out one of the kids has been unwell but he didn't tell me. When I challenged him he said he was expecting the kids to tell me, while saying that he walked away. I also found out that my kids during their holidays with their dad have been looked after by loads of people except him! Also found out he has taken some time off to take OW away for her 40th, but never done anything like that for me!
I know I emotionally reacted but I need closure and for me it's with D. I asked him to file because I felt he was being disrespectful by keeping me hoping. I told him that he clearly didn't want to fight for his kids nor his marriage, that he will never be sorry for what he has done, and that his OW is so disrespectful by putting things on FB about the two of them when we are stil legally married! He looked shock when I said about the last item! Does he really think I'm that stupid? Anyhow I know it wasn't DB, but I need to get out of this limbo. I need to built my life again and being married is preventing me. I go on dates but I feel guilty because I'm still married. I know myself well enough now to know that D will be the ultimate closure I need as the door will be closed and no more being friendly! I don't want to become bitter, but I'm still young! I need to move on with my life and enjoy every minute of it, not thinking about him and what I could have done to prevent it! It's not fair on me!
Hi Rouky, I think there's no harm in a bit of truth now and then. The only thing I would say my lovely is don't rely on him doing something to bring you closure. He may file and he may not. I have learned to decide on my path and then do what I need for myself.
Also, do remember that if you are dealing with a MLCer, it isn't like a 'normal' marital breakdown. Most MLCers are in such a spin, it's hard for them to manage things in a decent and reasonable way.
Keep moving forward Rouky, you're doing just fine Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Rouky I feel the same way as you about my H. I don't understand how the kids and I became so unappealing that he is willing to ruin everything. and I know I shouldn't put the kids in the same category as me, but what can I say about a man that is on holiday and has not bothered to call once? Madness in my opinion. However, we have no control over their actions. Like you, I am frustrated but all I'm trying to do is work on myself.
You will be ok darling, you will move on and you will be happy again (((hugs)))
PS-> I'm in the UK too
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
