I am so sorry you are having to deal w/this. They detach from us 18-24 months (possibly longer) from us and that's why they don't appear to be in as much turmoil as we are when the bomb is dropped. Now, please do not be fooled by his attitude too much. When he's alone, he's got a lot of time to think about things and the guilt does eat at him, especially when he's alone and it's night. Why? Because they don't have anything to keep their minds busy and distracted. When the world is quiet that is when he does a lot of thinking, etc.
If he comes by, are you planning to be there? I would suggest that you be there because there are times when they will take a few things that we don't even miss until we go to get them for our own use. Also, do not be surprised if he doesn't take a whole lot. Some of them just take a few things and leave a number of their "treasured items" behind.
Telling him he is depressed isn't helping him. Yes, it would if he were open to listening, but he's not. They don't think that there is anything wrong w/them. They don't want to hear it, but in time, he'll begin to feel aches and pains and may possible develop health issues that he didn't have previously.
You did the right thing by listening and validating. The comment he made about it not mattering to him if you forgive him...he doesn't care right now and he can't understand how you could...but I would suggest you give him plenty of space and time once he's gotten his things from the apartment.
For now, continue to detach and go on living your life to the fullest as if he may not return. Time will tell just how your situation will play out. Again, I am so sorry you are having to deal w/this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you again for responding Job. Its funny you mention him being sick and feeling aches and pains because the first thing he asked me when he walked in the door was "Have you been having back aches?", and mentioned he was sick a few days ago. And I actually have been extremely bad back aches lately, especially the last few days.
He didn't even take his mail, mail that he opened and asked me about. Didn't look around to see what he needed to take, nothing. He may just do what he did when he actually moved and come when I'm not around. I know, boundaries but I dont know if I can stomach being there when he does that. I'm just sick of this. God, I just want to fight for this. And all I can do is tap out because Im being forced to.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Hi Hope, I understand the feeling of how much you want to fight for it. I was the same. And I think, deep down, I still want to. But with so many things my h said I prefer not to. Sometimes I believe I would be better off w/o him, but sometimes I want my husband back. But I want my husband, i.e. not the person he's become during crisis. So, no matter how much we fight, we are not going to get what we want for now. As Job said, they detach from us for a long time. So if we are lucky, we can get them back but we need to give it time.
My h & I, we tried to make it work 2 years ago but here we are now, separated. Job explained to me that if the crisis are interrupted when not finished then the second time it's much worse. I can confirm! I wish I knew then, I would not insist on working on the marriage. Give it some time! I know it's hard but... Be strong!
Hey Hope! Job's advice is spot on. I know it seems like you should fight this, do something to show him how you feel and that you are being hurt, but right now nothing that you do will help him "see the light".
So, do nothing. At least, when it comes to him. Just let him alone. Do things for yourself to make you happy, or at least busy. Give yourself time. Let him miss you (even if it seems he won't).
But when you do see him, make darn sure you look great, have a smile, are pleasant with lots of eye contact (not necessarily flirty, because that is pressure, believe it or not) and interact in such a way that he leaves wondering why he didn't want to be with you anymore. Let him leave.
It will take strength and patience. Get on with your life. Its not giving up.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
