Hello. I've been posting for a some time now over in Newcomers and have stopped posting as frequently for whatever reason..not really sure why. But all the while, feeling like my H is having an early midlife crisis.
We're in our early 30s and his words and actions exhibit that of a man living in midlife crisis. Of course, I know that label is merely another way of stating the obvious and why we're all here but, it does provide some context to me. So my question, is there a such thing as an early midlife crisis? I feel like H was suffering from severe FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) b/c he even mentioned that right before he left. And now he says he's just as unhappy living in the "far country" as he was in our M.
Either way, I'm moving on but not giving up because his back and forth and confusion are killing me. I'm not perfect and I've been prayerful and hopeful and fighting being double-minded the entire time. It's all so hard, I get hopeful and then discouraged. I don't want to give up on my husband and our marriage. I just don't know what to do or not do anymore so my only option is to move on I guess. He needs a shock to his system and me speaking to him ain't gonna do it.
I had a major breakdown yesterday and just feel completely embarrassed about it bc I usually keep it to myself so I don't have to deal with anyone's negativity or scolding about it. But holidays and weekends, nights, mornings, they're all still hard...12 months later.
And thats the other thing that makes me think I just need to move on...it's been 12 months. DB coach says thats not long in the grand scheme of things but I just wonder when will he come around and allow himself to soften towards me...consistently? He's always nice and all that when we spend time together but then, he disappears into thin air. I know God is working on him it's just hard. I'm so conflicted but something keeps telling me to not give up.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Reading through alot of the other experience you all have had and are having with MLCers and I gotta say, all of this is exactly what's happening to us. The questions I ask myself, the confusion I go through on a daily basis. H's words vs his actions. How he interacts with people, not just me. This is everything we've been experiencing.
It scares me to know that these things can go on for years...and we're so young. And sometimes these things are never resolved. This is scary. I find myself on the seesaw of emotions. When he withdraws and disappears into thin air like this, makes me feel like he has moved on.
Makes me question everything. Do I wait? But I want to have kids...obviously with him. How long do I wait? I don't want to give up. So missing that companionship, his loving touches, him knowing me and me not having to put on a front, sharing my life with him, sharing our resources, etc.
Some people tell me I need to start dating or at least go on a few dates. Not sure what to do. Even though we're not through this journey, this entire experience has taught me so much already about myself, things I needed and still need to work on within myself, my husband, his needs, my role as his wife, his role as my husband and relationships with people in general. I can't even how naïve I've been up until this happened. Never in a million years would I have ever thought this kind of thing could penetrate our bond and the love we have for each other. I only hope H awakens from this fog soon and we can take steps to rebuild our marriage.
I'm wrestling with acting "as if" and actually moving on. H has been in withdrawal for about a 1.5 weeks after coming off some very lovely interactions. I feel crazy. I also think my H is smartening up to my patterns and how they work alongside his. So thats another reason I'm thinking its time to switch it up, even though all switching it up really means is moving on. Ugh, this is mind bending, devastating and hard.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Do I wait? But I want to have kids...obviously with him. How long do I wait? I don't want to give up.
I just want to say that standing is not waiting. Standing is not STILL.
You must continuously continue to move forward with your life.
Whether that involves dating or not is up to you. I suggest before you date to be divorced and fully healed and whole from this relationship. A new relationship does not mean all your old problems go away. You must still work on those and fix yourself.
Are you suggesting I d my husband in order to date? I don't want to d him. I would be "dating" or entertaining flirtatious things as a distraction from this craziness.
I realize that sounds stupid.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I would be "dating" or entertaining flirtatious things as a distraction from this craziness.
I realize that sounds stupid.
I think you may have answered your own question here.
Why is this different than what our MLC spouses are doing? Plus how fair is it to the person you are dating? Of course you are likely to end up with an MLC'er if you use this approach. I know that is not something I want to do.
Sounds like your h is experiencing a "quarter life crisis". We all go through something in the teens, early 20's, etc. However, if we don't navigate those quarter life transitions properly, many will have a midlife crisis later on in life.
A year isn't very long when it comes to life transitions. It could take a while before your h finally settles back down into his routine. I know it sounds like a long time to you, but it's only a blip on the radar screen for him, i.e., his clock is moving at a turtle's pace for him. So, while he's out there acting like a teen, you will need to work on you, change the things that you know need to be changed (only do them for you and you have to make them permanent or he'll know you only did it get him back), focus on your children and your life as it is right now. Do not try to force him out of his crisis...just leave him alone as much as possible, i.e., contact him only in an emergency or something to do w/the children.
Live your life to the fullest and continue moving forward. BTW, if you begin dating, you are sending him a clear signal that it's okay that he's out there doing his thing and possibly dating and/or having the ow live w/him and it also alleviates any guilt he may have for doing so. Also, you do not want to get involved w/another person because what happens if your h suddenly decides to return and your current "date" has some serious feelings for you and vice versa? It's best to leave dating alone for just a bit and focus on your healing and when the time is right, you'll be able to move forward and enjoy the company of another person. Right now, you are still spinning from what your h has done and you do not want to have that elephant in the room when you do start dating. Wait a bit...there's no hurry to "mirror" what he's doing out there right now. Learn to be comfortable w/your own company and enjoy exploring the new and improved you for a bit.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So H came over last night and apologized and said all of these nice things that I've been longing for him to say. Even said he thought and has been going back and forth on reconciling with me. Then said he can't see how that would happen. Then said we will be divorcing and that is final and he will not be changing his mind.
He will not go to see a counselor, pastor, talk to our family, nothing. He wants me to move on.
So, guess that's it.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
That's it for now. I would continue moving forward, work on yourself, keep the focus on you and your family. Do not raise the subject of divorce and don't bring up relationship talks for now. The more you do this, the more he'll push for a divorce just to keep the pressure off of himself. If he talks about the divorce, say "h, I'm sorry you feel that way and I won't stand in your way to file, but it's not how I feel about our situation". Leave it at that and go on about your business.
As for seeing a counselor, priest or talking to family...he's not going to do it. Don't bring it up again. Why? Because he doesn't think that there is anything wrong w/him and it's the marriage and relationship w/you. He don't want people trying to convince him otherwise...even though this is all about him and his unresolved childhood issues. It's not you...it's him that has the problem.
Keep moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thats the thing, I didn't even bring it up. He did. I poured him a glass of water and he didnt touch it. I let him talk and validated. Told me it doesn't matter if I forgive him.
I have to leave our apartment and told him a date to come get his stuff and he asked to come by this week. And this is what he tells me.
We don't have children so it's just me. Dealing with it all by myself, day after day. And he doesnt seem to have half as much inner turmoil as me. Doesn't seem to care. I got upset and told him he's depressed and needs to go see someone. He is being the worst to me. And all I can think of doing is just giving up as he has told me to do.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
