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Mia2003 #2703762 09/13/16 12:42 AM
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Hi Mia, I understand the anger, truly I do. However, I would love to see more of a balance in your postings. At the moment, they are 90% venting and very little about you taking responsibility for yourself and moving forwards, seeking happiness, peace and forgiveness.

There is a theme of HE did this and it MAKES me ..... Whether it's shorts, or dinners or whatever. And if we post to gently point that out, you seem to gloss over that with - yes I know I should....BUT he....

So, here's the thing - he doesn't make you do anything. You get to be responsible for you. I could sit here and post back - yeah, he's such a moron, I can't believe he forgot the shorts...and that bland dinner...yikes, what an idiot! What does that do for you if I post back in that vein? Really have a think about that.

You may be interested in the drama triangle - where we choose to sit on that triangle and what it does for us. I found that helped me a great deal.

When you're out having lunch with friends in two, five years time, what kind of convos do you want to be having? The - oh he's such a jerk, listen to what he did now - or - I did X and Y and he and I get along okay etc..

That journey starts with small steps now my friend. I know you might feel challenged and maybe cross by my posting - but if I didn't feel it was important I wouldn't say it.

Hope you have a better day and enjoy the September sunshine xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2703788 09/13/16 05:03 AM
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Mia,

I am sorry that you are feel so much anger towards your h. There's nothing you can do about him, but you can change the way you react to that situation. Take that anger and put it to good use. How to do that? Start walking/running, if you hate to clean house, then start cleaning it, get a pillow and beat it to death until you release that anger. You are allowing him and what he's doing to control the way you feel. Step away from it a bit. He's certainly not perfect and never was and to beat a dead horse to death every time he does something is not going to help you heal. You have to accept the fact that he's gone for now and he is living his life the way that he wants to. You, on the other hand, are now left w/being the sole adult/parent in your family. Your focus has to be on you and your children. Trust me, when I say this, your children are picking up on your stressful and angry vibes and they do not need to be subjected to this. Breathe!

Mia, please go back and re-read what Sotto has posted to you. She's right, you can only be in control of yourself, you are the only one responsible for you. Yes, you get frustrated w/your h and what he's doing...but guess what...he doesn't care what you think at the moment. Leave him out there and keep your expectations of him at zero.

Mia, turn your focus back on to you and your children. Leave him out there on that island of La La Land for a while. If it will help you, pretend he's off on a long trip around the world and won't be back for a long time. But, you've got to start moving forward and focusing on you and what you can do to make your life a bit happier for you. Let me ask you this, what would your life look like had he died? How would you have handled being a single parent? Well, basically the man you knew has died and been replaced w/a different model, same cover. The man you knew is gone and may or may not return for a long time. The marriage you had is now dead/gone. So, what would you do differently?

Mia, you've got to find a way to channel that anger and resentment. I don't want to see you get stuck and become a bitter person just because he's out there doing his own thing and not being responsible and accountable for his actions.

Breathe!

Sotto


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2703947 09/13/16 01:56 PM
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Mia, I'm talking to you like I would to my best friend, Job and Sotto are spot on, listen to them ( by the way it only took me 18 months to listen to them! I guess better later than never).

We cannot change the past and I know it really hurts but I know that at this moment (evening time in UK), my H is with OW and he isn't thinking about me, so why should I think about him! The only person that is hurting is you, not him. What we are dealing with isn't for the faint hearted, but could you anger be just because he is with OW and that you can't have what you want? I was for a long time like you, but losing my beloved pet put everything into perspective.

I have noticed that when I don't see H I'm much happier, and he doesn't deserve me. I have my fault in the breakdown of my marriage, but I was prepared to be unhappy for the rest of my life because I loved/love him. I can held my head high and say that I have values and morals. That is what makes you a kind and loving person.
You can't undo the past but the future is ahead of you and plenty of good things will happen to you if you were to let go of the anger.
I'm thinking of you, and it will honest get better but you need to let go of that anger and shift the focus on you.
Please take care of yourself x

Rouky #2704091 09/14/16 09:27 AM
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Hi all...I do hear you and am trying to let go the anger honest. I too find it harder if I see him or have to have anything to do with him or if his choices directly affect mine and the kids lives ( I know even something as small as leaving the school shoes behind) .

It's hard as it would have been our 14th wedding anniversary tomorrow....who'd have thought 14 years ago I'd be in this situation.

Mia2003 #2704170 09/14/16 01:22 PM
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Mia on the 10th wedding anniversary I was with one of my friends who was at my wedding and it rained on that day (like it did on my wedding day), I was so sad but the further I go on my journey, the more I'm starting to realise that my marriage couldn't have carried on like that. I became a nagging wife whereas he became a selfish man.

Now I'm finding myself again: a compassionate, caring and loving person that I on ew I was, but I was suppressed in a marriage as I was doing everything I could to please him (because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't do what he wanted)! I grew resentment towards him and pushed him away.

We can't undo the past, I'm learning from it and working hard not to do the same mistakes. We have a great future ahead of us, please believe that this happened for a reason. As I grow stronger every day I believe in it more and more.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you.
Take care xx

Rouky #2704275 09/14/16 11:41 PM
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Hi, I appreciate all points with regards that I can't do anything about h......I know. I am not angry always....more sad, particularly for the kids....but I am launching myself into work tbh.

The last year or so has been so bizarre......I was watching my wedding video yesterday.....nostalgia.....although late 20s at time we looked so young and so happy.....don't understand what happened....now h looks so old when I see him..even kids commented lol..and apparently I should grow my hair long again according to oldest son.

Mia2003 #2704327 09/15/16 08:22 AM
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Mia,
Aging is because of the stress from the depression in MLC. You will see all kinds of changes in him as he progresses through his crisis. What you are seeing is very typical and I certainly wouldn't change my looks unless I wanted to do so for myself.

Keep the focus on you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2704531 09/16/16 01:42 AM
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Hi all some advise....I knew this was coming.
My h has moved slightly nearer after living over an hour away with ow for the past year. He takes the kids out for McDonald's every Tuesday. Yesterday he said he would like to have them overnight on antuesday and he will drop them at school am.

I have said no to this. I feel it is extremely disruptive during the school week. The chances of him being stuck in traffic and the kids being late for school is extremely high and more imporatantly the kids have a routine during school term that they are used to. Am I being unreasonable.

I feel that h makes decisions about where to live etc and then just expects me to jump to his demands.

Mia2003 #2704551 09/16/16 05:43 AM
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Honestly?

I think it would be good to trial that. I know your anger towards him, but a father wanting to be with his kids is a good thing. This will be a change in their routine, but I honestly think the benefits out weigh the risks.

Give him a chance. It's not extremely disruptive as this is the routine of many many many divorced parents. My ex gets one night a week. he lives 25 minutes away from her school. His wife drives her to school. Heck, I tried to get him to take 2 more nights a month, but he finds it's too disruptive to his routine (insert eye roll).

I don't think he expects you to jump to his demands. Seems that way when you are angry with him. He said he would like to spend more time with his kids. And that benefits your kids. Try taking you out of the equation, and think about the benefits of your kids spending more time with their father and them not growing up thining he's the guy who takes them to mc Donald's on Tuesday night. You may think that's what HE deserves, which he very well might. But it's not what your kids deserve.

Try not to make it about YOU the best you can.

I say all of this from experience. I've been in your shoes, I've felt like you have and I realize the only person I was hurting was me and my D.

Ginger1 #2704556 09/16/16 06:14 AM
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Mia,

I agree w/Ginger. I would do a trial run w/his request and if you discover that the children aren't getting their homework done or not focusing in school, then suggest an alternative date for them to stay over, i.e., maybe a Friday or Saturday night.

He is their father and I don't see where his request is all that terrible right now. At least he wants to spend more time w/the kids and most of the crisis people don't want to do that.

Separate yourself from the scenario and step back a bit. This could be a good thing...but you need to try it out first and see how it goes. If it works, continue doing it, if it doesn't, well, suggest an alternate date.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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