Hi Mia, I think my SS being able to stay over with us made a big difference to his R with his dad. The R has worsened a lot now, which is a shame...
I can understand your concerns about school nights, but perhaps weekend or holiday might be an option? From what you post - though I appreciate the circumstances - it does sound as though your H is keen to be involved with them and that's a positive.
Glad to read that things have been more pleasant and I agree with Ginger's post. Best to note and not give it much headspace, but keep moving forward.
Xx
Please start a new thread.
Last edited by job; 09/27/1611:20 AM. Reason: Reminder to start a new thread
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, it really comes across to me as you wanting to punish/withhold the kids from your H for what he has done to you.
Maybe someone else has a little more tact & grace but I'm just going to be blunt. There doesn't appear to be any good reason to deny your H more time with the kids.
Don't use the kids like this. It isn't going to hurt them to spend an extra night with their Dad, actually it would be GOOD for them.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Solid advice from above .... And it will be new thread time for you aswell but I have been wanting to chime in a bit here as your latest "Kids spending the night with H" does hit a nerve/home with me.
I am a father, did not ask for this but I know for a fact that if my W tried to stop the kid(s) from spending time this would be a conflict waiting to happen ..... and with MLC if you read up the reconnecting phases work backwards. He will want to connect with the kids and you should not be the gate keeper in this.
A very wise woman on this board said "you can be right or you can be happy". Think about where this fear of allowing the kids to see their father is coming from and really ask yourself if this is good for the kids, you, and your H.
Hi Mia, I am just looking at this from other angles. Their father is asking for more time with his children. Someday, your children will most likely learn that their father was actively interested in spending more time with them but was not granted permission. There is a much bigger picture here. It's their time/their relationship with their father.
And although you may not agree with his choices, legally, isn't he entitled to even more time than what he is seeking?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Mia, I want you to know I was right where you stood. I could feel your emotions and they greatly echoed mine. You are angry, but want him to come back. You feel as if he doesn't deserve the time he wants with the kids. he chose to walk out, right? He shouldn't have much say at all, as it was his choice to leave his kids.
I had that mindset. My ex felt OW was more important and he left so he has say in nothing now. he doesn't deserve what he wants with his daughter. And if he had the kid's best interest in mind like you do, he wouldn't have left at all.But if he came back, he could have his family back.
It's just not a healthy or realistic way of thinking for the long run for our children.
To add to what hawho said. You don't want them finding out their dad wanted more time with them, but you wouldn't let him. That's bad for a few reasons. One, they might resent it. Two, you can retort well, "he left, it was his decision" but what they would take that personally like he left THEM. Of course you could always say you felt it was in their best interest, but was it really? I am not undermining your parenting. Maybe a two hour drive back and forth is not in their best interest. But he moved closer and while their routine will change with that one night a week, the pro definitely outweighs the con. A dad who wants to spend more time with his children.
You can stand by the argument of "well, if he really wanted to spend time with his children, he wouldn't have left" But the truth is you have to separate him leaving you from leaving his children. You don't want to have the children felt like they were the ones who were left.
I feel for you. I really really do. Separating the heartache of what they put us through, and the family through from the father-children relationship is so very difficult. Took me a while to figure it out how to put my anger aside and separate our relationships. But in the end, I asked "what is REALLY best for our daughter within what our situation is" not what I believe our situation should have been or who chose to make it what it was or who was wrong or who was right, but what the situation actually IS.
Right, thank you for your advise and comments to all but I do think that I need to put my point forward, particularly to twin mom.
I have never denied my h seeing the kids. He has them during the week during holidays, pretty much whenever he has asked. He is even having them to take them to his mothers 70th when it is my scheduled weekend.
I do not use the kids to punish him...I have to say I find that insulting.
However, where he is living, to get there is a notoriously bad road for traffic. H used to moan constantly about it so he is well aware it is completely unreliable and the chances of him being able to get the kids to school on time is unlikely most of the time unless he gets them up that crack of dawn.
Apart from anything else h has asked the kids about this and they have told him they don't want to stay over during the school week. This doesn't stop him seeing them on that evening....he does. There is just no benefit to the kids physically staying over during a week night.
I'll reiterate again I am not using my children....but am also not some pushover who is going to sacrifice the kids just so h might come back or to make him happy.
And also, legally he actually has more time than he is seeking. If he asked to see them more during the week even that I wouldn't refuse but he hasn't. I have bent over backwards to ensure the kids continue a relationship with his children...even agreeing to things that a solicitor has advised is quite intrusive.
So basically you're saying he must spend his parenting time in a public place (restaurant) or your home? I'm sorry Mia, but that's not fair to the kids. There is much to be gained for them to have a relaxing evening & bed time routine at their fathers. And if I remember correctly he has them every other weekend & one evening during the week? How in the world is that MORE time than the law allows? As long as either parent isn't damaging to the child EACH parent should be given equal time!
Mia, I get it. You're defensive, I'm blunt and it might not be the best combo. But I can assure you I have been there emotionally, I do understand your anger but I FINALLY learned it wasn't productive. It took me a while though.
Someone else repeated a quote from a VERY wise person (I wish I could remember who said it) "You can either be happy or you can be right" Oh how this was hard but it's so true.
Back to you, what 180's are you working on? What GAL activities are you doing? What goals do you have for yourself?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Twinmom he hasn't asked for equal time.....ever. And no he sees them of a weekend in the evening where he takes them to his now for tea then. Drops them back. it was his choice to take them to McDonald's not mine. I don't comment what he does when he has them.
Someone else repeated a quote from a VERY wise person (I wish I could remember who said it) "You can either be happy or you can be right" Oh how this was hard but it's so true.
25yearsmlc
She dropped that very line on me (as well as others) over 2 years ago and it has stuck in my brain ever since.
