I get the same response from my STBX when I try to validate. I guess the WSS/WS can pick up on those things since that is not how we normally talk.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
The thing I noticed was all the I'm sorry's you repeated. That's the last thing a WW wants to hear, in fact it makes them more angry. It seems like desperation to them, at least I think so.
Less is definitely more though. You don't have to respond to everything, and when you do try to keep it short and sweet.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
All, I definitely see your point on the multiple "I'm sorry's" in there. It's funny, getting your feedback, then taking a step back to look at the above, it does seem similar to the previous unsuccessful conversations I've had with her. Definition of insanity...
All of the above could have been done in a few direct sentences. Not really sure why I defaulted to that verbose approach. I'm realizing that validating for me may just be better as short and to the point. If you can't tell from my large posts, I tend to be the opposite....
I am truly worried that this beach trip will be a mess. Not for myself so much, more so for my D. She's been talking about this all since before school let out. It breaks my heart to think that after this my W wants to dump our S on her. I know I can only control how I react on the trip, but am worried that W drags the whole thing down. Will have to deal with that when we get there though.
After those texts, W did send me another text saying that her and D were still looking for a bike helmet but hadn't found one that fit yet. Been reminding her that D needed a new one but she hasn't gotten yet. Weird for that text to follow the others, but whatever. First time in days I've gotten any texts from her.
3 weeks ago, this sort of thing would be freaking me out that I'd really screwed up. At this point though, live and learn and fight another day. I do find myself wondering if W is worth fighting for at this point. I KNOW my D and my family are, but I THINK my W is. It would be so helpful to see some glimpse of the W I married, but it sounds like I shouldn't expect that anytime soon. W 2.0 is not the kind of woman I'd fight for. W thinks she's stronger and in a better place, but I think she's merely covering up a multitude of insecurities.
Enough of my ramblings. Doodler/JK/RSG/Hawk, I really appreciate yalls thoughts. Very helpful, as always, to help me refine my approach. Thank you!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Low key day today. W and D were sick. D and I hung out this am and did breakfast while W exercised. After that I went out for a few hours. (Gym and store).
Came back and hung out with D playing minecraft together on the ipad. W laid on couch and did Facebook. It stinks when D is sick. Hate seeing her not feeling well.
At 5 both were feeling well enough to go out to dinner, i.e. Awkward family time. Brought up the beach and offered that we buy the early check in option and leave here early to miss traffic. Such a simpler way to approach that than the texting fiasco the other day. Same dinner situation. W wouldn't talk to me directly so all conversation through D.
came home, snuggled with D while watching a movie. W on facebook on her phone. Unsure how that much stuff can be going on on Facebook. The only thing that's bothering me now is how all of the Ws social life is Facebook. For her sake, that can't possibly be good. again not something I can control, but it does worry me that she doesn't have a balance there. Put D to bed, brushed teeth and getting ready to crash.
I find myself wondering if I should start finding GAL activities on Saturday evenings to remove myself from the awkward family time. Or if I should tell my wife that we should take turns every other Saturday with taking her to dinner. It's tough still being in the same house and living as though nothing is going on from a family perspective. I honestly think W believes this is how things will be when we move out, with her having the option to say yay or nay when she wants. How can she possibly think this? Wondering if I need to do something now to remove that thought.
I'm finding that my D is more clingy the past few weeks towards me. Wondering if that's being driven by this. I sure hope not. Need to get her and I away from this situation more than I have been. Need to go fishing.
Saturday's have been the worst as of late. Love hanging out with D but it's very different when W is around. If this is the norm then this [censored]. We will see. Tomorrow is a new day.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Ugghhhh. D just got out of bed and told us she couldn't sleep and she doesn't know why. Somewhat upset too. She never has done that before and has done it a couple times now in the past week.
Really hoping this isn't because of what's going on. Such a stupid situation. Poor kid
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Good day with D. Got up early and hung out before breakfast. D still not feeling great so played some board games after breakfast with her. Got my butt kicked in Jenga, but what else is new! Invited W to play but turned down.
Around noon I'd been planning on going to the gym. W told D they'd play monopoly while I was gone but when I got back they hadn't left the couch. iPad and Facebook time apparently.
Ate lunch then vacuumed the areas I consider my off limits living space (guest room and bonus room with bathroom). D and I had discussed going bowling to stay out of the heat so after chores I grab her and we start to head out. Tell wife that we will be back around 6 (30 mins before dinner) and she immediately has an issue. D wants to dye part of her hair blue like a friend and W tells D she can't do it today if we get back at 6. D says that's ok, we can do it tomorrow but W keeps coming up with excuses why she can't. Finally W says it'll be middle of week and D and I leave.
2.5 hours of bowling, grabbing slurpees, and capturing Pokemon at the bowling alley and target are a blast with D. She acts so different without W around. She's very thoughtful and open when it's just the two of us. When W is around it's like this part of her shuts off. Trying to fix that.
Made a joke when we were hot out in the parking lot of target. Told her that mommy wouldn't be happy if D let me melt out there. D said that she didn't think mommy would care but D would miss me. I asked her if mommy melted did she think I'd be sad and she said yes. That was just downright depressing.
Very concerned that her perceptions of the situation are making her uneasy/sad. I did ask her today why she couldn't sleep last night and her answer was "I don't know" which is her default when she doesn't want to discuss something. I'm not willing to press her yet though. I'm just hyper worried about when W and I tell her about S and how it works. It's awful how much she will be put through and I can't help feeling anger towards W since she's driving it and is convinced D will be fine.
Anyways, about 5pm I get a text from W saying if we are home by 6 she can dye my Ds hair tonight. Just respond with ok and go back to enjoying D. Unsure why this "big" issue with timing is all of a sudden not one. Chalking it up to W wanting to control everything.
Got home, W and D do bath and dye and I go out and do yard duty to get outside and away from the situation for a bit. Come in, shower, then join them for the latter half of dinner. W says that upstairs AC not working. Check it and say it is working, it's probably having trouble keeping up with heat. W fires back that attic fan is probably not working. I checked it yesterday and let her know that it was fine. She obviously has an issue with this so I go into mbr bathroom (her bathroom now) and can hear it humming in attic. I tell her that and then tell her how she can check it and she doesn't seem pleased.
I feel like I'm doing more than my share of stuff now. Am not happy that W feels the need to try to boss me around still. Later in the evening, I check the filters, which is her job to clean, and they are dirty. Tell her that's probably part of the issue and it may help to clean them. She starts into a rant about how she's keeping up with cleaning them, etc and I just say fine and goodnight. Too tired to do battle because I know I'd lose my cool this late.
The controlling behavior just doesn't stop, even as I push back. Makes it so I don't want to be around her. Trying to figure out how to be with D and without W while we are in the same house. Maybe it's scheduling time where either of us is not in the same room while we are with D. W just doesn't go anywhere except to run or to the store. Again, all friends are on Facebook. Very frustrating and feeling like I'm stuck in a horrible weekly loop. Unsure how to break it.
Gym in the am, tennis lesson Tuesday, dinner with friends Thursday. Should be a good week.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Hmm. This is all strange to me, but you're living together so I don't really know how to attack that.
A couple things I can think of though: Your D seems to really enjoy being with you, but she's scared to show you any (or much) affection at home as W has scared her.
If I were you, I'd refuse some of these little tasks W is trying to give you. Doesn't matter what you do, or how right you are. She's going to blame you for something.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I wish I could say it is strange or unusual behavior for a WW, but it isn't. When I went completely wayward, I could not bear to be in the same room as my H. It made me angry just to see him pull into the driveway. He could do no right in my eyes. The problem was not him. The problem was me.
The H of a WW cannot fall into trying to please her highness all the time, b/c it is impossible. He is her target for every bad thought and feeling she ever had (whether he actually caused it, or not), so it's a no win situation. How many H's have reported how their WW would admit she noticed all his changes, but it didn't cause her to change her feelings?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
RSG, I agree with you on D. My Ws mood seems to dictate things more than mine does in the house. I think I need to work on being ultra upbeat and see if bringing some better vibes in doesn't help. Looking back at the attic fan thing, I think I hinted to her that she should check it, but I probably need to be more straightforward with that type of stuff. Have to stop beating around the bush I think.
Sandi, I see what you're saying about WWs not changing their feelings in so many of the posts around here. My W has said previously that she see's my changes, but she's not convinced they are permanent. I'm starting to think this is something of a stall tactic to keep me around and let her enjoy the benefits of my changes while not having to commit to me. (i.e. cake eating) WW still acts just as you described above (angry just to see me and be in the same room).
It's taken a little bit, but I'm realizing that DB'ing isn't really about saving the M. The results of successful DB'ing give reconciliation a better chance, but it's not really the primary goal of all this. My primary goal is bettering the situation for D and myself and letting the W figure herself out. I'm just finding it hard not to get sucked into her vortex with us occupying the same living space.
Not something I'll figure out overnight, but everyone's advice has been extremely helpful to aid me in finding myself again. Really want you all to know that your help has been massively appreciated.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
