A WW?

[RSG]

Read the validation cheat sheet and rehearse until you can spout the responses without sounding rehearsed. I've read that cheat sheet at least 20 times and still go back to remind myself. My WH is coming around now but it's been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have changed fundamental things about how I think and react to EVERYONE, not just WH and I am better for it. The trickiest part for me has been knowing when to STFU and really listen and validate. I suspect your WW is still deep in her affair fog and right now views you through an extremely distorted lens. My WH did the same thing and still relapses even though the affair has been over for a few months. These are our WS's poor coping skills and they will lean on them like a crutch when they feel cornered. So back away, detach and become mysterious. Don't talk about your feelings or thoughts anymore, don't pursue her and try to know her thoughts. Be receptive if she begins a convo but if she becomes hostile or insulting then draw your boundary and calmly inform her you will chat with her when she is in a better spot mentally. YOU end the convos, not her. Be calm, confident and strong, women hunger for that. More importantly, what were you like before WW? What drew her to you? Change back to the positive aspects of yourself but do it for you. A WW can smell desperation and it sends them scurrying. Good luck, brother, you can do this!

This info is Sandi-like! My WW is slowly coming around. By slowly I mean baby steps lol. She is starting to soften up towards me, has said she enjoyed spending time with me and that she's trying to re-cultivate a relationship with me. The only reason I believe any of that at all is because her attitude towards me is softer than it's been in months. I've started to stand up for myself like I haven't in a long time. I've started to make more of the decisions, and take back the pants from her. I go out, wear cologne, am confident in my looks, work to be the best Daddy for my S and make myself a man that can be happy without her....all this has started to look intriguing her.

LT0402, don't believe what she says, especially while she's in the affair fog! My WW was so ugly, hurtful and genuinely crazy while she left S and I alone at home to play single woman. When she moved out, she said there was no hope, she hated me, the sight of me made her sick, etc etc etc. It's been 7 weeks for me, and while she hasn't exactly turned back into the woman I know (or WANT!), in the figurative sense she's turned around to see what I'm doing/noticed my changes. She's said she's trying to "find herself" again, and I see the real her returning slowly. This is where the comment about desperation comes in. If she thinks you're just trying to tug at her for attention, she'll shun you. Work for you as much as possible.

Much of the time, they say things to get a reaction. She wants to see it as in reinforces her decision. Yeah, it's hard to do this. I'm doing well in many areas, but my WW still throws daggers sometimes (even though the A fog seems to be breaking). And although I stand up for myself, I get too angry and fight back instead of what I should do which is tell her I won't be spoken to that way and shutting down. You can make mistakes, it won't send them straight to a L. You just learn, stop doing what doesn't work, and go to something else.

Read self help books. Read Sandi's posts. Over and over and over again. Don't be a doormat (that's pretty hard in the beginning). Do your best to treat her like you would a casual acquaintance at work or something. It's harder with kids I know. WW and I pretty much separate talking about S and talking about "us." We just agreed today to stop all talk about "us" until we've figured out S preschool. Don't worry about the time things take, just move one day at a time. Try to get out with your friends as much as possible. Care about your appearance. Try to look your best as much as possible. And work to be #1 Daddy.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you and your D. More of the vets here will show up to help you.

[lt0402]

IC this am. That helped a lot. Discussed the sitch from Sunday nights conversation. IC thinks she has a fair amount of internal conflict going on and the best thing I can do is be appropriately assertive and let go. sounds very similar to the feedback from all of you here. Also discussed L options with IC which gives me a better feel for the path there. Left there feeling a lot better about the sitch and a little more accepting that it may or may not work out. Think it helps that I swam before work today. Felt physically in a better place all day.

Went to the gym after work too. Got there a little late so I was about 10 mins later than usual getting home. W was obviously annoyed bc I delayed her being able to go out and run but acted like I didn't notice. D and I played and had a good time. W came home and started doing meds with D, even though I told her I'd like to do them. She said she hadn't heard me and she'd already started. Told her that was fine and I'll do them the next few nights to lock down the routine. W quickly and abrasively fired back that I should already have it locked down. Told her I'm working on it, but I'm realizing I need to be better prepared to quickly shut that type of stuff down. Not sure why my brain locks up at that point. I'm going to tell her that for Ds sake I need to take care of all meds and food for the full weekend. That was the only interaction with her tonight.

W seems to have a fantasy land idea in her head of what our living sitch will be in the future. She laid it out as part of our Sunday talk. Wants to keep status quo (not working, living in house together, etc) until spring and then think about selling the house. At that point we are supposed to get town homes in the same community so that we can easily go back and forth. She even went so far as to tell me that she may let me have 1.5 hrs every evening when she had D (which she thinks is every weekday) so we could hang out. I think this is supposed to mimic our current sitch, and it makes me a glorified babysitter so she can exercise every evening. Pissed me off too. W also thinks 2 town homes is cheaper than our current house. I'm unsure how she thinks any of this is 1) realistic or 2) financially beneficial. Have added that to the list of things she'll wake up to as we check our finances. Need to make sure she doesn't think I'll support her to not work.

SadSara, she's extremely angry and I'm realizing she has been highly controlling of D and myself. I'm trying to find the balance bt manly and giant jerk but haven't found it yet. Typically come off more aggressive than I've meant too. Everyone has helped me realize the biggest 180 for me is to stop being her doormat and stand up for what is right. IC has also helped highlight I need to call her Out on things bc she is accountable to D and myself as well.

I'm done with me bringing up feelings and MR. Deciding I need to call her out when necessary, but I'll only discuss going forward when she brings up, if she does. Let the detachment begin.

Also, Sadsara, you're thoughts around how to approach routine and meds are precisely what I needed. Thank you! That's a perfect roadmap to lock down the care of my D part of things. Think it helps with W sitch too, but that's secondary.

Before the MR I was calm, confident, strong and spontaneous. To tell you the truth in my everyday life, outside of my MR, I'm still that way. Trying to bring that me into this thing to address all of the disrespectful attitudes/behaviors just having a difficult time being prepared for her shooting barbs at me. Feel like I need to be on guard at all times and it's very tiring. Getting there though! I really appreciate your thipoughts and support and am glad you are making progress with your WS! Thank you!!!

RSG, that's great news on your sitch! I'd be ecstatic if my W would even show a minimal sign of softening. Right now she is so cold that I can't get anything out of her but back handed comments and eye rolls. It feels like I'm preparing to do battle every night on the way home. Have you found its easier to effectively stand up to her the more you do it? I'm finding it's extremely awkward at first.

Ramping up my outings to a couple times a week and not sharing details, just that I'll be home later. Been wanting to get a couple tattoos for years and am going for that on Thursday. Exercising as much as possible bc it really does help a lot. Getting some new clothes and already grabbed some cologne. I do feel more confident in my life, but need to ramp up that confidence inside the house. I know I need to shift focus to me and D and today (combined with both of your messages) has helped me get back to neutral. I truly appreciate yalls help!

Off to bed, keep grinding through this thing tomorrow. Thanks again!

[lt0402]

Also Sadsara, I'm realizing how horrible I am at validation. I going to read, reread, and practice ALOT over the next week. Not a natural skill for me at all.

[lt0402]

Another day in the books. Quality Time with the D tonight. Made sure I got home about 30 minutes earlier than usual so I could catch the last half of dinner with her and then we spent the evening horsing around and doing iPad. Really feel like any deficiencies I had with focus on my D the past few months are rapidly disappearing.

Made it a point to have Ds meds ready and out when it was time. Told W that I would do it and didn't want her to have the opportunity to do what she did last night. I've actually been practicing how I'll respond when she chooses to poke at me. Never would have imagined that's something I'd need to practice. Life is definitely not boring.

W has a bit of OCD with organization and cleanliness. Ever since we've been married, eating food in bed has been a big no with her. Past two nights she's made it known that she's eating a snack in bed while waiting for D to brush her teeth. It's almost like she's challenging me. Not taking the bait bc I'm in the guest bed as of two weeks ago and I know her response back would be something around it being her bed. Seems childish.

I'm in a better place right now. Haven't engaged W in R talk since Sunday nights convo. She said at that convo that we should reconvene in a few days. I'll be interested to see if she approaches me this weekend on it. I'm doubting it bc she still refuses to talk to me on anything except D and house. I'm choosing not to initiate conversation either bc of her bad attitude, but am wondering if that's the right thing to do. I'm energetic and happy around my D, but unsure how to do anything like that around W without actually talking to reach other.

Anyways, getting a couple tattoos tomorrow. Something I've wanted to do for a decade. Getting my Ds name and also an American flag. something different that I'm really looking forward to. Dinner plans with a friend Friday as well. Working on my GAL plan. Still have the emotional swings at times, but the magnitude of them have been muted the last couple days. Need to update my goals, but that'll be tomorrow.

I did get a tennis lesson with the guy who teaches my D for next Tuesday. Haven't told D, but I think if I can learn her sport it'll be something we can play together for a long time. Never thought I'd be taking up tennis though! Also, I've been reading Pinns thread and seeing how all this GAL stuff builds on itself. Next week I'm going to push my GAL plan harder and see where it goes. Very encouraging seeing everything from everyone on here. So appreciative for all of you.

[lt0402]

A good day. Took a half day and had those tattoos done. Felt good to get something accomplished that wasn't directly involved with my situation.

Got home early again. W still not speaking to me on anything but D and house stuff. All good. Nailed Ds meds this evening. Getting good to go with those. I'm a hands on learner so I need repetition. W has never understood that.

D was exhausted from the pool today with a friend. W let her get sunburned which never happens under her watch, was strange. D and I spent the evening, post dinner and during my Ws run joking and watching YouTube videos. It was a great time with my D.

Besides that, not a lot to say. Still thinking back to when W said on Sunday that the most screwed up thing with our sitch now is that we are S in the same house but it's like nothing has changed. Maybe I'm focusing on that too much, but I feel like I'm missing something.

Wondering if it means our communication still [censored]? Hello, I can't get you to talk to me. Or if my GAL activities aren't showing any changes. Or if my D and I hanging out in the evenings make her feel like she's being ignored. I know, no mind reading, but I can't help but feel that I'm stuck in mud with her and can't get out.

W is definitely cake eating. Already has plans for the 3 of us to do family dinner out on Saturday. Every evening when I get home she leaves to go for her run. Starting to feel like her babysitter but I'm enjoying the time with my D.

Doing dinner with a friend from work tomorrow evening who's in town. Sent W a message on wed saying "I'm going out after work on Fri. Won't be home until around her bedtime". Re-read that today and realized it was kind of rude and assuming. Needless to say she didn't respond. So I sent another this afternoon saying "do you have plans on Friday evening? If not I'm going to go out to dinner tomorrow night. Thanks!"

Got back a response saying "you already told me you weren't coming home Friday". I'm starting to realize that my communication skills need some work as I've been sending messages like the first one for some time now.

I think the key for me to break the "sitch hasn't changed" mold is getting my D out more with just me and continuing to stick up for myself. Going to repost my goals after this message.

Does anyone else feel like progress is completely at a standstill at times and your WW is never going to give you an opening?

[lt0402]

Updated Goals:
1) I'd like to become closer to my D. I'm doing this by focusing on quality of time together and not quantity. I'd like to have a "daddy and daughter" breakfast/brunch/dinner at least once every 2 weeks

2) I'd like to learn tennis. It's my D's favorite sport and i have lessons with her coach on Tuesday evenings now

3) I'd like for W and I to have a conversation at least twice a week that's not centered on D or house/financial stuff. Not a lot to ask, but sure feels like a lot right now. **a guy can dream can't he?**

4) I'd like to find something to fill my Saturday or Sunday mornings. Be it golf, hiking, etc, but i'd like it to be with friends or new people I meet.

5) I'm going to go out with friends/coworkers at least once a week.

6) I'd like to exercise at least 5 days a week. I'd really like to find a group of people to exercise with to meet some new folks.

[RSG]

D was exhausted from the pool today with a friend. W let her get sunburned which never happens under her watch, was strange.

Funny you say this. My WW was Supermom around this time last year. I felt she had deteriorated to just your average Mom while engaged in all her wrongdoing during 2016. About 2 weeks after she left, she took S to the lake. He came back to me with a back looking like a lobster. NEVER happened on her watch before. She used to get onto ME about not putting enough sunblock on him or myself. That said, over the last month I've seen a steady improvement in her Mom skills. She's also started showing me more respect, talking TO or WITH me rather than at me. And has gone from I'M DONE WITH YOU to I don't know. Baby steps.

That's how you'll know the fog is clearing. It sounds like your WW is still fogged up and in super selfish mode. Enjoy the time with your D. When WW left the house all through the first 6 mos of this year, my bond w/S went from good to amazing. I'll just tell you: Enjoy those moments with your child, and read read read Sandi's posts on WWs.


BTW Thought about getting a tattoo of S name myself. Where is yours?

[lt0402]

RSG, what you're describing w/ the suntan lotion is spot on w/ my Ws previous behavior. Old W never would have let that happen and would have been mortified if it did. Good news on the fog clearing on your end though bud! Good to see progress being made.

I noticed that the one day D and I were alone together we bonded big time. Moreso than we had in quite a while. We're all still in same house and W doesn't currently want to move, so I'm going to need to find ways to get more alone time w/ D to help build those bonds. The dynamic is different w/ W around and really works against that.

Got the tattoo of my Ds name on the upper left side of my chest. D and I love fishing together so the "y" in her name is a fishing hook and the "I" in her name is dotted w/ a bobber. Best thing I've done in awhile that was just for me. Added bonus is every time I look in the mirror in the morning I'm reminded not to lose focus on what's important. Highly recommended if you're thinking about it.

Appreciate the thoughts, hoping that I can get to a point where the fog appears to be lifting but working to put all my focus on my D and I. thanks RSG!

[RSG]

I've thought about getting S initials and birthdate on my fingers, but I think mine are too thin lol. Possibly my wrists? I don't have any tats so I have no gauge on what that would look like for a man ha. I'm thinking about it for the reasons you state though....

Re fog, it's just a waiting game which stinks. I got called ugly names for seemingly no reason for months, and had no idea why. Read Sandi's posts. Boom, like she was watching W every day.

Maybe you can take D to a park, or since she enjoys fishing go out on the lake or something. If she likes to run around like a lunatic (and what kid doesn't!?!) try one of those places full of inflatables. Not only will you have fun, but you can put all the crap with W aside as well. I was scared about being a potential single Dad, but now I'm A OK with it. It's not easy, but it is fun and it's very rewarding!

[lt0402]

Yep, these two tattoos are my first as well. The guy who did them was awesome about helping me with the designs and where to place them. Definitely worth it.

D and I go fishing every couple of weeks w/o W for a cpl hours on the river near us. It's been mega hot here, but I'm thinking we go this weekend after dinner. I'd love to find some more indoor stuff to do, and the inflatable stuff sounds like a good one. We have one about 10 minutes from the house. Really want to get out of the "hanging around the house" mode that W, D, and I have been in the past few months. Seems to suck the energy out of us all.

It does worry me for my D to be going back and forth b/t my W and myself in the future, but working through that. I think I just need to keep building Ds and my R to make it as smooth as possible. Thanks RSG!