I'm writing because I'm at a loss of how to handle myself around my WW. We've been M for 11yrs and together for 13yrs. We have a D9 who is both of our worlds. We've always had communication issues, going back to when we first moved in together. The issues have been especially bad the past 3 yrs or so, and in the past year we've done a fairly good job of avoiding each other in the house, except when our D is around. I know I haven't always been the most attentive H, so I absolutely deserve a chunk of blame in this. I work long hours which [censored] a lot of my focus, and she's a stay at home mom, which makes our D the center of her life. She also can be very cold when angry, which hasn't worked well with my need for affection from her. She tends to shut herself down from others when she gets this way.
The BD happened on May 31, 2016 when she asked me to talk before bed. She told me that she wanted to separate and I needed to come up w/ a plan for how to do it. Like the dumb H I am, I obliged and put a fully laid out plan in front of her 2 days later. When I did that, she got angry and said that a plan to S was not what she'd asked for, she wanted a plan to fix things. Next day I had the "fix-it" plan in hand and she told me that no, we were going to S and a D was inevitable. I kept trying to push MC but she kept putting it off, delaying it 3 times over the course of the next 2 weeks. She also seemed genuinely shocked that I was surprised she was asking for a S and D.
I spent the next two weeks doing everything under the sun to show her that I cared. I have not always been the most attentive H when it came to chores/responsibilities so that's were I focused all my efforts. I'm learning now that this is the absolute wrong way to go.
I had a weak moment and snooped on her Facebook account about 2 weeks into the separation talk and came across messages bt her and an OM who she dated in college. The messages started about 1 month before the S talk and were a very intense EA from the very start. About 2 weeks into the messages they were discussing meeting up for a PA. 2 weeks after that she approaches me w/ the S talk.
About that time, I decided I was going to meet w/ the IC I had setup for us to go to for MC. I found it extremely helpful to hash out all of the thoughts going through my brain. I discussed the EA above and worked out that I would confront her with it in a very logical, unemotional way.
So, last Thursday (5 days ago) I apologized for my role in the deterioration of our marriage and I told her I'd been working hard to fix my issues. I told her if she stayed, I'd continue to become a better man and H. I also told her if she went I'd become a better man and a strong co-parent with her. Then I confronted her with the news about the OM and the fact I knew she was planning to see him 2 days from now for a PA.
What followed was an hour long conversation that went from I never wanted to M you anyway, to I just stayed around this long for our D, to our M has been broken for 5yrs, to I've been telling you this was going to happen for the past year. She seemed to feel guilty about her EA with the OM and how it must look to me, but by the end she was spending all her time trying to convince me that the EA had nothing to do with the S and she'd made her mind up on the S 2 weeks before the EA started. She seemed to desperately need my assurance that I understood this. She said bc she had decided 2 weeks before the EA that we were done, she did not feel guilty about the EA or discussing meeting up for the PA.
Anyways, she was supposed to see the OM on Saturday, but cancelled that so we could do 4th of July early bc we were supposed to get rain on the 4th. I got excited that maybe I'd gotten through to her and we could work out some of these issues in a constructive way. Well, Saturday evening she informed me that she was leaving Sunday morning to meet with the OM and would be back midday Monday. I merely nodded and went to bed.
Needless to say, my heart felt like it was ripped from my chest. The next morning, as I ate breakfast w/ my D, I watched my wife take her bag and walk out the door to meet with this OM. I kept telling myself that surely she must be testing me, but of course we know that's not the case. I got a text from her when she got there, to let me know she'd made it ok and she asked how our D was doing. I succinctly told her our D was ok. My D and I spent the day out and about, but the whole time it felt like my insides were being torn apart.
Sunday night I got a text from my W asking me to tell my D that she loves her and would see her in the morning. After putting my D to bed, I spent 2 hours moving all of my stuff from our bedroom into the guest room and guest bath. I typed up a plan for us to push the S forward. I included the fact that i'd moved out of our room and that she needed to have a job in place by September so she could prove to me she could provide a stable home for our daughter.
She came back today and acted like nothing had changed. She wanted to do something together as a family, but I told her I had plans and went to the gym. When I got home and the day passed, I found myself getting sucked into the family routine and I started to freak out. I'm worried that after she's had this PA with the OM, I'm merely here to be her "family time" person. She's been treating me coldly the past few months and she's continuing that tact now that my D is in bed.
Right now I don't even know how to handle things now that she's gone through with the PA. I think I'm supposed to leave but the thought of leaving my D is crushing me. I'm not even sure if she's a WW (bc the S and EA/PA happened so close together) so I'm at a loss on how to even handle her. I Love my wife and am in disbelief that the honest woman I married would ever do something this horrific and devastating to me. Is it even worthwhile at this point to try to reconcile things or is this so disrespectful to me that there's no chance?
Before having the conversation about the OM with her, I'd told myself I'd do everything I could to keep our family together. Now that she's done this though, I feel lost and I can't think straight or even begin to know how to address it. I did recently find DR and had started reading it last week, but it fell to the wayside as I tried to get ready to address the OM situation before she left to meet him.
I'm hurt, sad, and lost. Part of me wants my wife back. Another part wants to tell her good luck in the world and leave. But all of me says I don't want my family ripped apart and I don't want my D to grow up w/o a stable 2 parent home.
She had asked me multiple times before she left to meet the OM why I would possibly want to stay in our M w/ the avoidance we've had. I told her that I Loved Her and that I now knew our problems were fixable if we just got help. No reason to blow up our family, let's just work on our issues w/ an MC. She said there's no way she'd go to an MC and I told her w/o that we may as well move towards S.
I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm just unsure where to go from here. Today I tried to follow Sandi's advice and treat her as a WW, but I think i'm coming off as an ahole. So now i'm wondering if she should be considered a WW or not bc of the proximity of time b/t the EA and the S. I'm trying to finish DR as quickly as I can as well, but I feel like everything is slipping away from me in the meantime. Her having the PA, even though she knew that I knew what she was doing, leaves me at a loss for words or how to push forward.
I meet with my IC on Wednesday AM. Just trying to get some insight from anyone prior to that on how to handle her tomorrow. Thank you for any and all thoughts around this. Truly feeling like I'm in a dark hole here.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Darknes and cadet, I appreciate your responses. I moved my stuff bc I think my D is more comfortable with my W in that room as they spend a lot of time together in there every day.
Maybe it was the wrong call. I just couldn't bring myself to do something to hurt my D at all. quickest response was to remove myself from the room.
Her actions seemed so directly hateful and spiteful I'm unsure of what to do. Before I went to bed I did hear her open a bottle of wine, which she never does on a weekday. Wondering if there's some guilt and acknowledgement that what she did was wrong. Who know though.
Off to exercise before work. Really appreciate it cadet and darknes.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I wouldn't waste to much time worrying about what she is ... But she is ww. My sitch is similar to yours as it took about a month to find this site and start db'ing. So I had a hole to climb out of from tearful talks to doing everything under the sun to show my love. .. Well you know how that works out..
your wife is still married to you and is openly having an affair. You may not be able to control that but you can control your next action , move or thought. It's been said before a marriage only works when two people are in it - you have 3. Pull on some of that anger , get pissed off - not at her physically or in confrontation. But I've read too numerous posts where this is going on and the "nice guys " are like ... Ok she's having an affair , maybe she'll stop .., oh god I hope she'll stop, I love her so much , looking for every twitch of their W that points to signs of R. Stop being a doormat - I know I was one- She is going to leave not much you can do to stop her Be there for D now more than ever Continue IC not mc Drop the rope as many on here say... Easy to say hard to do - especially this early Remember to take care of yourself Sounds cliche but gal
Sorry I can't give more advice than that , and take my comments for what they are worth - just comments. Other veterans will probably have better actions to follow so listen to them..:it will be to your advantage.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Tofbrks, I completely get what you are saying. I find myself swinging back and forth b/t pissed off and "understanding nice guy". Funny thing is that I know I need to let go and look after my D, but I'm having trouble balancing the family responsibility vs. M issues when we are together w/ our D.
When I had my D alone all day Sunday/Monday while she was with the OM, my D and I had an awesome time. It was really the first time my W has let the two of us have two days alone w/o her (my D has had serious allergy issues and my W trusted no one alone w/ her most of the time, hence she never went out for a weekend away). But it was amazing how much bonding my D and I did.
Fast forward to when she got home and it was like a black cloud hung over all 3 of us for the day. Not a lot of talking and I found my W wanted to take charge again of everything w/ regards to our D. I pushed back on her which led to a small confrontation in the kitchen over cutting up pizza for our D.
I then get this message today from my W via text:
"I know you're mad about a lot of things, but please, please try and remember that D and I have been doing things ourselves a certain way for 9 years. I am very happy for her sake that you are trying to spend a lot of time w/ her and learn how to do all her stuff (i.e. meds, etc), but you can't just decide after all this time that you're taking over and start barking orders and deciding to change her routine. it's very disruptive for a child and I think it's starting to affect her a little. not asking you to stop learning stuff but please think about her regular routine and not yours, ok? that's all I'm asking"
My natural response to this text would be that I'm sorry for stepping in the way, but I want to be more involved in the routine. But I find it so offensive in the context of what my W is doing. If she truly cared about my D so much, she would have waited to pursue the OM until after we'd extricated ourselves from the current living situation. On the other side, I truly know how much she cares for my D, so I'm having trouble piecing the two together. She's created this "sh%tshow", as she's called it, but wants to act like everything is normal with our family.
One thing I did leave out is that she's characterized this OM as a one time thing and that he's worse than me when it comes to R stuff (comforting...). When I confronted her she said that, like it was ok that she wasn't looking for an R with the OM.
I'm not sure how I should be acting around her or what I should be doing family wise when we're together. I think if I found a balance there it would help me get back on the path I was on before the PA occurred and I went back into the hole yesterday. We were avoiding each other pre S/PA, so it feels like avoiding her is just a continuation of that. Guessing that may not be a bad thing.
Regardless, I'm continuing IC tomorrow AM, I'm exercising every day (swimming, rucking, weight lifting) and feel better physically, and I realize I've been a doormat for many years. I think my key may be figuring out the family/M balance to get back on a good footing. I won't let her take any of my self respect away from me anymore. I just need to find the balance bt taking care of my D and dealing w/ her sh%tshow...
thank you all for your help and support. you have no idea how appreciated it is.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Arguing over cutting pizza and txt saying your doing everything wrong...control/doormat... My way or no way...unless it involves matters of life/death it makes no difference how you slice a pizza or anything for that matter... She lost that control when she decided to leave! Do it your way tell D it's daddy's new way! Whole new world of new daddy ways of doing things... Maybe she needs to gal? It's hard to get out of nice guy mode cause u feel like an azs. But if your going to gain back any respect it has to be done. I'm following your sitch close cause it's spot on with mine. Although after my D 13 found some info this Saturday on her Mac about W , right now I am done.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
