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#2689034 07/04/16 07:51 AM
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New thread .. Can someone please link when able ...


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Set your relationship priorities. What is your main goal? Does this new information change your main goal? If so, then what is the new goal?

What do you want to accomplish by exposing this evidence to your in-laws? Most LBH'S think their in-laws will influence the WW to end her affair. What if she ends the A, but still refuses to work on the M? What if exposure doesn't "work", or she finds a new OM? What are your plans after exposure?

It seems more mistakes are made when a desperate spouse is grasping at straws, trying this & that......but has no plan. You need to know what you want to accomplish by doing any type of action.

Whatever you decide, I think it's high time she (and your children) sees your b@lls firmly attached.......which, IMO, means you would start taking charge, instead of hoping someone else can do something effectively, while you sit and wait. Your D14 certainly needs a stable parent in charge at this time in her life.

Is this latest information a deal breaker for you?


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Set your relationship priorities. What is your main goal? Does this new information change your main goal? If so, then what is the new goal?

What do you want to accomplish by exposing this evidence to your in-laws? Most LBH'S think their in-laws will influence the WW to end her affair. What if she ends the A, but still refuses to work on the M? What if exposure doesn't "work", or she finds a new OM? What are your plans after exposure?

It seems more mistakes are made when a desperate spouse is grasping at straws, trying this & that......but has no plan. You need to know what you want to accomplish by doing any type of action.

Whatever you decide, I think it's high time she (and your children) sees your b@lls firmly attached.......which, IMO, means you would start taking charge, instead of hoping someone else can do something effectively, while you sit and wait. Your D14 certainly needs a stable parent in charge at this time in her life.

Is this latest information a deal breaker for you?



Sandi2 yes this info is a deal breaker for me . The disclosure is for me , to show people around my wife the true "her". For all those around me that thought I was insane for ever being so suspicious. Right now I'm still gathering , cause in past I've been too quick to act s this time I'm waiting Learning and evaluating. I still wish to have more to bolster my case for when it gets nasty.

Not really looking for inlaws to pressure her , just want them to know that the custom made story she's fed them is not reality. Same goes for several other friends that get differing stories suited to keep her reputation squeaky.

Is it selfish of me to want carnage? I know it would be difficult to contain with just her and that's what I'm debating.

Don't want her back cause I don't know who this woman is...


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Previous Thread:

My little slice of Life


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Okay. No, I don't see it as an act of selfishness. I do suggest you contact your lawyer, ASAP, and see if this information could impact the court's decision in alimony, child custody, etc. And, your lawyer can advise about keeping this information under wraps or not. However, with D14 knowing, I doubt that's going to happen.

The lawyer can direct you, legally. Ethically, I believe you have to make the decision.


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Okay. No, I don't see it as an act of selfishness. I do suggest you contact your lawyer, ASAP, and see if this information could impact the court's decision in alimony, child custody, etc. And, your lawyer can advise about keeping this information under wraps or not. However, with D14 knowing, I doubt that's going to happen.

The lawyer can direct you, legally. Ethically, I believe you have to make the decision.



Sandi2 I just hate she had to find it. Not that I would shield my W actions , I would have preferred that had kids stay innocent of all this mess. But she discovered on her own , without instruction from me.
I am going to schedule a meeting with lawyer assp , may have to wait. I do not look forward to W coming home as the full court press for separating will continue. But with my new held info my decision is made easier. All I have to do is remember the words in those txt to strengthen me. Fog or no fog I'm done.


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Truly, I wouldn't bother contacting the in-laws. I know it might feel tempting, but with time the truth will seep out anyway and you won't be the 'bad guy' for letting others know what was happening.

My XH didn't tell his parents for ages and they were pretty cold with me. In the end I told him - Please can you tell your parents what has happened here. I don't expect do feel censure from them in this situation. And he did then tell them.

You could always take that kind of approach. Just be sure when acting that you are doing things from your 'higher self' and taking a long term view. If we act in haste and in hurt we can come to regret things in the longer term.

I'm glad to see Sandi posting on your thread - she is a wise woman indeed.

Take care my friend smile


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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Truly, I wouldn't bother contacting the in-laws. I know it might feel tempting, but with time the truth will seep out anyway and you won't be the 'bad guy' for letting others know what was happening.

My XH didn't tell his parents for ages and they were pretty cold with me. In the end I told him - Please can you tell your parents what has happened here. I don't expect do feel censure from them in this situation. And he did then tell them.

You could always take that kind of approach. Just be sure when acting that you are doing things from your 'higher self' and taking a long term view. If we act in haste and in hurt we can come to regret things in the longer term.

I'm glad to see Sandi posting on your thread - she is a wise woman indeed.

Take care my friend smile


Thanks sotto... Those are the choices I'm weighing right now... perhaps to hasten the decent and turnaround not to R but to heal and able to trust again -as a co- parent not a wife. But I'm afraid the bad choices and spiral downward is accelerating and nothing I can do about it. Nobody see this but me.... For now...


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I think it is important to let go of your need to control things - to hasten the descent and turnaround - as you say. The important thing is that's her journey not yours.

From your own point of view I would focus on critical areas like - what do I need to do to look after myself emotionally in this situation. How will I ensure the financial security of my family and myself. How will I look after the family in these situation.

These are the areas to focus on I think as through her actions she has become the enemy of your security and wellbeing and that of your family too. As for who knows and what they think, I would step back and leave that to unfold. If anyone from her family asks you, you can let them know they would need to ask her that.


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Originally Posted By: Sotto
I think it is important to let go of your need to control things - to hasten the descent and turnaround - as you say. The important thing is that's her journey not yours.

From your own point of view I would focus on critical areas like - what do I need to do to look after myself emotionally in this situation. How will I ensure the financial security of my family and myself. How will I look after the family in these situation.

These are the areas to focus on I think as through her actions she has become the enemy of your security and wellbeing and that of your family too. As for who knows and what they think, I would step back and leave that to unfold. If anyone from her family asks you, you can let them know they would need to ask her that.



But sotto I want carnage !!!


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I can understand your anger of course. The big thing to remember is you don't get to choose what she is doing. However (crucially) you do get to choose how you respond. And you (and she) will live the paths that you choose.

They say that the best revenge is a life lived well and that's what I would strive for. If you do anything right now, make a choice about how your living arrangements are going to work, given what has happened.

If you want to pack up all of her stuff and put it in the spare room or garage or whatever, that's fine and make sure you are on a reasonable legal footing. But always try to act from a protective (rather than vengeful) motivation.

Believe you me, she is making some poor choices and I think carnage ultimately unfolds from those, whatever you may do. Best to remove yourself from that drama I would say.

smile


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Keep strong Tofbrks. Sounds like both of us are in similar situations. No doubts we can grind through them and get to the other side.


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
Keep strong Tofbrks. Sounds like both of us are in similar situations. No doubts we can grind through them and get to the other side.


Well the proof of the A , seals the deal for me. Have meeting with lawyer tomorrow to evaluate my new found info. Unfortunately the Mac/ iMessage hasn't provided any more info.
I am however enjoying somewhat quiet week with W a the beach.. Do miss the D's but get a FaceTime every night.


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yep, technology appears to be both a blessing and a curse. Very sorry to hear about the details around the proof. I'm thinking I'm at a point where I need to see a lawyer as well to make sure I'm protected in all this. Keep us posted on how it goes tomorrow and keep chugging bud


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Well met with lawyer yesterday morning and went over a few issues. My W had given me a separation agreement she found on web and filled in things to make it ours. Lawyer read over it and made several changes. But the it got real , holidays , birthdays , pick up times.. Ect.. Coming to the realization that this will be the new norm f'n blows ... So mad this is being forced on me.butvtrying to accept my new reality. W did not ask for any support for herself, so L said If she signed that was gone for good. As far as my info that I obtained over the weekend - L now has this , said that also would nix support if it where going to court.


Here is where I am now
I want her out asap... Can't have W living in our house after learning about feelings and actions for om
She has nowhere to go... and house kids
This will stir things up and it shouldn't bother me - not my circus but it does where will kids be ? Safe?
Some stupid part of me still holds out hope but it is small and getting smaller
Then I go back a read the txt's (my new info) and it brings me back to reality
Since D 13 dated the om's son and potentially my W could move in there how would my D ever feel comfortable ?
Sometimes I can't see the weirdness of that total sitch and how things will be looked upon once it gets out ...don't think W has given it a thought either..
The om is a drinker ... Are my kids safe ?
She wanted this nesting agreement where we rotated in and out of our house leaving kids in , I don't think I can stomach that for the year that she wants ... Heck don't think I can do that for more than s month with new info. I was willing to compromise when it appeared that this S was organic but it appears it is of her doing. To me that changes things.


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Any helpful advice view points on above? Gather - evaluate- make best choice to go forward for me and my D's


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Tofbrks,

You could ask her to leave and see what happens, but probably the best advice is to see a lawyer before you do anything.

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Originally Posted By: doodler
Tofbrks,

You could ask her to leave and see what happens, but probably the best advice is to see a lawyer before you do anything.



I have doodler , the only problem is she has no where to go that she can take kids as far as I know other than om house. Which would expose A rumors and tarnish her rep .
I know I shouldn't worry about her it's the D's that I worry about.
The lawyer prepared agreement will take at least a week then she'll have to review it sing it ect...
I could ask her to leave as start of our sep. but don't know if she'll go... This has been s problem for me ... Not wanting to upset the apple cart and keep everyone happy..
The L asked ... Well what do you want to happen? ... I said I want her out NOW


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Tofbrks,

Can you keep your daughters 100% of the time prior to the divorce?

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Originally Posted By: doodler
Tofbrks,

Can you keep your daughters 100% of the time prior to the divorce?



No way she'll agree to that ... She's ww not waw ... But I think the only reason she wants kids as she feels guilty and it makes her look like a sh:tty parent of she doesn't... All about her image and what people think rather than what's right and sound for kids welfare.


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Tofbrks,

I'm just doodler and I don't really know anything, but if you want her out, I suspect you could boot her out (assuming there are no laws against that). All the constraints regarding her image and children are her constraints, not yours, but you're using that as an excuse to not do anything.

You can always tell her that the children can split their time between the two of you as soon as she finds an acceptable place to live (someplace you approve of).

It's not fun or easy, but I think it's your choice (again, assuming you're not breaking any laws).

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Doodler... Not using that as excuse just weigh options before pulling cord on anything.. Image aside, I still have to think about their welfare, no excuse on my part ... I can only control my actions and reactions... My actions will trigger reactions and I need to be prepared for that.
I can not force her to leave the marital house.. Says L...
I don't care one rat turd about her image... So no constraint there, was just stating her motivation behind D's
People talk about boundaries , well when we first married we had (I guess a very common talk) discussed infidelity. Deal breaker for both of us ...so she new the boundary and broke it.


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Tofbrks,

I see. And the law says you can't force her out. So, I guess you've arrived at status quo or politely ushering her out.

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Yes doodler... Sorry I did mention the apple cart thing do I guess I do use or weigh that when decision making... Accept my apology


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Why are you assuming the kids will go with her? Why can't they stay with you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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They could Sandi but I feel as though they would choose her over me , and the younger D already said she did not want to be separated from her sister... Something I could not do. As I think the D13 would stay with me..but then that makes a D 8 choose something she shouldn't have to choose..

Well this would be until we could work out a schedule.. Which I will have what I would like before she gets back from beach on Saturday.


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Tofbrks

My WW asked me to split the kids up and she never brought them back so the boys can have time together. It is your choice on whether you want to let them stay with your W but IMO I would never split them up. No matter how old they are.


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Tofbrks,

Do you feel like you would be a competent dad to both of your daughters if you had 100% custody and your wife was no longer living with you?

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Originally Posted By: doodler
Tofbrks,

Do you feel like you would be a competent dad to both of your daughters if you had 100% custody and your wife was no longer living with you?



Yes without a doubt


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Tofbrks,

It sounds like there's nothing preventing you from politely asking her to leave.

My situation was a little different, but I asked my wife to leave and she did. I've forgotten what I said to her. She says that I never said "get the f*ck out" but that's what I implied. I'll go with her version because I honestly don't recall. I did giver her a date to be moved out. She did push back a little; she said it'd take a while to schedule the movers. I told her that wasn't true (or something to that effect). She missed her move out day by one day.

It can be done, but again, our situations are little different.

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Thanks doodler ...I read these posts of guys hanging on and waiting or not doing a da#m thing while their wife is having A's... Drives me nuts..till it happens to you..the swings of emotion are extreme. In worry about tepurcutions of my actions but W did little worry when she BD me and all other actions she taken. So why should I extend they courtesy to her? I'm I scared .. I guess s little , but more over the realization that my family unit is no more ... Not about my W per se
But truly for my sanity she needs to go. Returning from beach after s week of nc with om Im sure the path leads there upon return... Which I will not tolerate while she's living in our house.No separation agreement has been signed , my lawyer has it and has changed a few things.


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Tofbrks,

I understand, I've been there and know what you're going through. It's tough and I never want to go through it again. Hang in there; it will get better.

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Hang in there brother. Keep your focus on the kids and grinding forward.


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Thanks guys...don't look at my indecision as weakness , more like trying to cover all bases as far as blow back on my kids...if it where just me and W she'd been on curb with a trash bag full of clothes and a call to uber to pick her up...weeks ago..


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Not mistaking it for weakness at all bud. You seem to be way ahead of where I am and it's heartening to see you've been able to take back some control by following your plan.


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Man lt we share some things in sitch... Mine is in overdrive... Haven't read all of yours but with WW you might as well consider them gone...even I they are in same house (cake eatin)or getting the boot like mine ... Their mind is already made up ...so the faster you can come to grips with that the more sanely you can progress with or without her. I think of it this way .. Just cause she's your wife entitles her to no more than any other woman you've dated or been married , engaged ect too... Just cause she wears a ring doesn't allow her to show disrespect and deceive you. Yes I did let some of this occur and that I take resp. for. But d@mn there is only so much damage that can be done before you just have to ask is it worth it? ... In my case no .. Not for her now...


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Originally Posted By: Tofbrks
Their mind is already made up ...so the faster you can come to grips with that the more sanely you can progress with or without her.


Tofbrks,

I agree with that. It seems like once the switch flips, the WW is on a mission. Meanwhile the LBH is still scratching his head wondering what happened.

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Mine went from church sun & ss and wed night bible study ... Reading Iam second books to as Sandi likes to say "girls gone wild" well wild for a 43 yo woman with kids ...in a span of like 2yrs.. Seems like a long time but it's not.

The om is affair down imho... Must be 280 at least ... Just someone that said the right things at he tight time.... drinker, loud, car salesman ... Jeez this sounds pathetic..

She is on the church board... Pastor has been counseling me the entire time and he's aware of my new info... Needless to say she'll be removed from that... Let the gossip begin!!


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I guess this is BD day for me. Going to confront wife with txt's my d13 found on her Mac/iMessage account. With confrontations in the past , when I was still thinking recon, I easily let W turn table a from a focus on her to anger towards me. Not wanting to upset her and possibly ending the M for good. Well what I can't get through my thick head is its already over. This is easier said than done.
I want to run or feed off my anger but I've had a week to digest and it's lost it's edge. Reading back over my posts helps , showing just how accommodating I was while all this was happening under my nose. There I'm gettin a little mad now...


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Tofbrks what is the current situation with your WW? Is she still in MBR or home? Does she work? Have you secured your finances?

It may help you to get some advice before you call her out. My WW's turnaround happened upon A being outed, I immediately kicked her out of MBR and shortly after gave an ultimatum, her last contact with OM was the day after I found texts and immediately confronted her.


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Originally Posted By: Coconut
Tofbrks what is the current situation with your WW? Is she still in MBR or home? Does she work? Have you secured your finances?

It may help you to get some advice before you call her out. My WW's turnaround happened upon A being outed, I immediately kicked her out of MBR and shortly after gave an ultimatum, her last contact with OM was the day after I found texts and immediately confronted her.


We haven't slept in same bed in 7 yrs... D8 is a co- sleeper.. Dont ask long story... And I never slept that well with or her with me .. Restless and different sleep habits
Think I covered most of my bases , L said txt's would wipe out support for her.
She has already stated she wants out and given me separation agreement.. One that had many holes. My L has it working on it. So she is serious and wants out with that agreement giving the ok to act like a wh@re...so who am I to stand in the way...


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Well, if your L said its ok to let her know you have evidence of the A and that's what you want to do, then do it.

I would stay calm, no need to be mean, but I would be firm. I would tell her that the marital bedroom is for those in the M, you will be moving into it and she lost the right to sleep in it when she started seeing someone else.

Did your L say agreeing to a dating clause would effect your having to pay support at all, or does it matter since your agreeing to it after she started seeing someone?

I am really sorry to hear what you are dealing with, it is the worst thing a S can do. Be strong for you and your D.


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Well I dropped my own bomb on her yesterday. At first she tried to simply explain it away as a simple misunderstanding or the it was harmless. The txt's I have are a conversation between best friend of om and my W. They discuss how if I F with om this guy would kill me , myW responds om would or she would. Then friend says the body would be easily desposed of. W says is it bad she wouldn't care. Then they go on to talk about how happy om is with her and how happy she is with him. Now I know people say or txt stuff with " killing" people jokingly often... To me it's the underlying hate and the fact that this A has been going on for sometime. The other txt I have is sil and W. Sil is aware of relationship .. To what degree I don't know. Sil a tells W not to date so soon ... Not to go to lake where om is .... Eluding to the fact that the realitonship is crossing from ea to pa.

I also told W I have seen lawyer and that she has her agreement and is tweeking it. I also told her the nesting thing to leave kids in house would not work. I cannot have her in my house with my D's knowing she is with om. It to me would still be like I condone or accept her behaviors. She keeps spouting off about just do it for girls.. It's what's best for them...well if I can't deal with it or it causes conflict within me , I feel as though that would be felt by D's.

Several I'm sorry's and never meant to hurt you and she never would harm me or wish harm on me. The discussion continued late last night with me clarifying my position of proceeding with Divorce. The main point she was trying to convey .. " you know I haven't crossed they line" about bein in pa. She kept at this for several comments ... Saying you know I would never do that or you know I'm not in a full fledged affair...this is the same woman who was scared to death I was going to hire a pi. To me if this relationship is what she says it is a friendship then why defend it so strongly? The txt's don't lie and paint a more complicated picture.
On top of our struggles the fact that my D found these on her Mac was not a big concern for her . She said if we don't make it a big deal then she won't. Well she sees the same txt I did. She can see the lying and the threats.. But that's not important? W has been really hard on D lately about lying and some behavior that doesn't really match with what we'd want to see... Then she sees W doing the similar things... Talk about being confused.

Well that's all I've got and waiting for this new day of drama and what it brings...


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Well my exposing the txt's I found had fizzled and had not had the impact that I wanted them too. I did not expect them to 180 my sitch not at all. I very disappointed in mil that she is ok with her granddaughter finding these and with what they said in them. Where is the concern ? The outrage? Seems like I'm the only one who is concerned with the kids wellbeing...I spoke with D 13 at great lengths following this. She is very upset that her mom is in a relationship with a dad of a recent lt bf. ... How will her peers view make fun tease her about this? And on top of that peers also say OM is a drunk and gets drunk... Which he is.

I know I can't control who W goes onto after D or while Sep... But geez this looser? And she says she puts kids first? Really? What about D 13 ? And by the way W selected om boy for her to date and helicoptered over the R like it was her own...

I have been contacted by om future x and she is not happy... Said she had suspicions but no proof.. She is at beach now but wishes to talk in person when she gets back. Perhaps be able to put a few more pieces together .

Currently wife is acting like nothing is wrong... This kinda limbo ..the one a few weeks ago could not take any longer and had to get away...had to sign separation

Don't know exactly what is going on there... But I did tell her I can't legally make her leave the house.. Which I can't.. So here we sit in this limbo... Getting all financial stuff to L to proceed with D ... Guess she waiting for me to do everything..


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Right there w/ you on the limbo feeling tofbrks. Going through similar right now w/ W and I both in the same house. One thing I've found that helps is to get your focus off the OM. Easier said than done, but for me that's helped take out some of the day to day swings.

It is a shame that your W can't see how she's hurting your D. Be the best dad you can to your D right now. Stick to your plan and keep moving forward brother. Here to support you!


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Quote:
I know I can't control who W goes onto after D or while Sep... But geez this looser?


I think the WW usually affairs "down".

Quote:
Don't know exactly what is going on there... But I did tell her I can't legally make her leave the house.. Which I can't.. So here we sit in this limbo..


You've already showed her your hand. I'm not suggesting you break any laws, but I do think you need to drink a STFU shake. smile


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Sandi it's over ... Drawing up separation papers and signing them getting away from this train wreck as fast as I can.


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Separation doesn't mean it is over, unless you want it to be over.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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You are totally right Sandi, and some small part of me still wishes to R but knows it can't happen right now or anytime in the near future.
My sister took the txt's that my daughter found and posted them to my mil fb page. They were up for about 15min before my wife was alerted an they took them off. I was not really planning on telling mil FIL , at least not now or in that way. My sis also posted to her fb at friended the om wife. She saw and cntacted me. The om and wife had already sep and had signed. The more we compared dates and times the more upset she became. This was in the works far before she had imagined. I let with her on Tuesday and we discussed things for 3hrs ... At om/wife house .. Which was weird in itself

After speaking with her some conclusions
My W used my D13 and her relationship with om son to have access to om -unknowingly
She maintained this relationship with control thru my D13 - instructing her
Om / wife and I at some point where concerned about the level of this relationship
W always had contact with om son through snapchat txt and phone
When daughter decided to break it off of her own choice W got very upset
W engineered plan to get D13 and om son back together - succeeded
This allowed W access to om - under the relationship umbrella
Om /wife marriage at this point was shaky and don't know if it was actually talked about
Om and my W say they started "talking" in early March

Into current day when new info came out. I knew my W and om were friends in hs come to find out my W had sex with this looser in hs. She left this part out when suggesting that our D13 go out with his son. Knowing we would have to interact with them. Something I would have said no to if I had known.

Other comments have surfaced from the meeting of m wife and I. Seems my W was jealous of om/w lifestyle and she told his w so.

So just my conclusions here ... Don't know if it started out with this intent but it is highly likely. She used the son to gain access to om. Redevelop friendship
Once she saw weakness in their marriage she capitalized on it.. Not sure if he may have disclosed this fact way before om wife disclosed to my W as they were also friends.
The BD for me and sep date for them align...collusion
She saw a way out of our marriage on to someone who could give her all the material things she ever wanted. No more struggling and being broke. She already had control over om and they were planning on all living together in om house. During this time my W as given me a canned sep agreement but asking for no support. This was strange because she offered to share some bills while we shared house to keep kids in one place. Claiming to use this year of sep to get $ straight so she could live on her own. She could barely pay before , now taking on more ... Where is the "in order " coming from?
Well she didn't need to worry about $ ... She was moving on to om with $

The om wife , after reading those txt , rescinded her offer to leave om their house. And added her children where to go no where near my W. She is now asking for support were before she had not.

So it's a royal f'n mess .. Finding out my wife manipulated so many people - even her own D13 to get to this point... is very dishsrtening ... All for objects

My wife has since moved out and my lawyer has her agreement is changing several things to make it work. We share kids week / week.

So I think my wife had engineered this plan and was hoping to just transition into this new life and make it all look like if naturally occurred. Well I threw a monkey wrench into that whole sitch. Om friends even say she's in it for the $ . The guy doesn't believe in God hates church and thinks my bil is an a$$hole , drinks heavily , over weight , my mil hates him ... But they are in luv.. And they make each other happy...wtf

Would like to see this crash and burn for obvious reasons ... What do you guys think?
I don't see how I could ever go back myself knowing what I know now.


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That is a lot for the family to deal with, and I am sorry for how it has splintered and touched so many. I think your WW will have to see this OM for what he is, .........and if he has enough money, she may stay in that lifestyle. It could have been more of the lifestyle OM provided, instead of her feelings for him.

Anyway, your W will probably have to crash and burn, before she will let go of her insane fantasy and take a long look at what she has done to her family. How long this may take.....nobody knows.


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
That is a lot for the family to deal with, and I am sorry for how it has splintered and touched so many. I think your WW will have to see this OM for what he is, .........and if he has enough money, she may stay in that lifestyle. It could have been more of the lifestyle OM provided, instead of her feelings for him.

Anyway, your W will probably have to crash and burn, before she will let go of her insane fantasy and take a long look at what she has done to her family. How long this may take.....nobody knows.



This I have accepted Sandi and have tried to protect my girls from collateral damage. This whole situation saddens me and taints my view of future relationships... As I thought this was for life and how someone could harm me this way.

Common sense would tell you that this relationship she has created built on lies and deception will end and end badly.


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Anybody else in similar sitch have any advice ?


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Tofbrks, I'm sorry to hear about all of the recent updates man. Definitely not something you deserve.

As sandi has said, things get worse before they get better. Just got to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Hang in there brother, here to support you bud.


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
Tofbrks, I'm sorry to hear about all of the recent updates man. Definitely not something you deserve.

As sandi has said, things get worse before they get better. Just got to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Hang in there brother, here to support you bud.


Thanks LT ...I left here for a while as the sitch got the best of me and W and I were having nc. The more I look back on the whole marriage and my W ... I think some mental issues that remained under the surface but have reared their head now. Not to simplify metal issues but bipolar runs in her family and the more I read on narcissitic behavior (covert) the more it sounds familiar. The manipulation in this sitch I couldn't see being so close has now become more evident.maybe this is just my way of explaining a sitch I don't like and want to deal with or as an excuse or reason why it happened ... Don't really know for sure.


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W txt me pictures of my D13 room at my mil house. For some reason it got me down. Then I met up with a meetup group for divorce and separation, was ok.
Then on the ride back home my car blew up.. So when it rains it pours. Maybe I am getting all my bad luck sync dead wood all out at one time.


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Tofbrks - I just read your story. You asked if anyone had other advice. I am not much for advice in the M department right now, but I saw a few things in this thread about you being killed. That sounds like something to be taken seriously. I'm not sure if I overlooked anything about law enforcement or not, but please keep you and you D's safe man.
I will say that after all of what you have written you still seemed slightly open to R in the future. As they say, "ain't love a B" You seem like you have a good heart sir, I wish it peace.


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Tofbrks,

It's amazing how the bad events tend to cascade into a downward spiral. I lost my wallet the day my wife was moving out of the house. I had to go back to the house to look for it while the movers and the in-laws were there. I never found my wallet. After that it seemed like there was one calamity after another. It got so bad that it was hilarious; unfortunately it was my life and not something I was watching on tv.

What I did discover that day was that I was resilient and I was able to somehow survive and I was actually able to turn some of the bad stuff into opportunities. That sounds like self-help psychobabble bullsh*t but sometimes your attitude makes all the difference.

I hope you're doing better and I hope you can look back at all of the bad events and at least get a chuckle from it. On the bright side, if it weren't for bad luck you wouldn't have any luck at all.

Hang in there...

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Thanks guys .. The support means a lot. Even now I come here and read some peoples first post ... And think oh sh!t... Your in for a ride... I guess in a way I have come some distance but not of my choosing but have to adapt to survive...

CT ... I will always have a soft spot for my family unit.. The R with wife o don't think could ever work , too much has come out about past that she purposely hid.
But any R I would have to weigh because time will change us both.

Doodler... I will have to tell you about the txt's I've received from om wife! Interesting to say the least...strange times indeed.


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Ok this is where it begins to $uck .. A lot. Have D's for the first night. House clean, groceries and snacks to eat. Went to wm to get stuff for church camp later on the week with d8. She picked out her little shampoo and conditioner ect ect... Then it's back home with face buried in iPad watching videos. Bed time it hits... Crying about missing mommy, and when will mommy be home? We went through his I wasn't there last week while she was at nana's with W . D13 got home from movies and that seemed to help... Just now getting to bed and she seems now.
I can't help but feel immense anger twords W .. No matter what breakdown she's going through or problems or feelings she's facing this is effecting our daughters lives FOR EVER...selfish B/tch...and all I ever hear her say is about how much she cares for kids and her f'n happiness..not in that order


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Hey tofbrks, been a few days. How are you doing brother?


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
Hey tofbrks, been a few days. How are you doing brother?


Not much has changed.. D13 did long onto W iTunes account or linked against her wishes.. Intercepted a days worth of txt's between w and om. I don't know exactly why she did this ... She said mom said don't and I wanted to see why.. Well I wish I had never read them... Painful. Felt I needed to read since D13 had read...
These msgs sent me back a lot.
Went off on wife cause this guy was referring to my D's as his girls... Wtf?
Looks as like my wife left me for om cause of $$$$
What does Sandi say about this?


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You having a chance to GAL and get away from all this lately bud? Some tough times here as of late and it seems like that'd help a bunch.

Sorry you're having to go through all this crap again brother, but hang in there and we're here to support you. Be strong for you and your Ds. I know how much seeing those messages [censored].


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
You having a chance to GAL and get away from all this lately bud? Some tough times here as of late and it seems like that'd help a bunch.

Sorry you're having to go through all this crap again brother, but hang in there and we're here to support you. Be strong for you and your Ds. I know how much seeing those messages [censored].


Going to lawyer in morning to finalize sep agreement...only way I know to move forward is this... Have my moments .. Would love for some bad karma to come her way...although I am moving on , would still be nice to see! A relationship buil on a eons else's happiness could never be successful


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Originally Posted By: Tofbrks
Would love for some bad karma to come her way...although I am moving on ....


Regarding karma for WWs, I think there are few things worse for someone than the slow realization that they've gotten what they thought they wanted and yet they're still miserable... and facing the reality that the one common denominator in their miserable situations and hollow relationships has been themselves!

laugh

Also, losing the LBS just as they are getting out of their funk and truly coming into their own has gotta suck for the still-flailing Wayward.


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Originally Posted By: EDF
Originally Posted By: Tofbrks
Would love for some bad karma to come her way...although I am moving on ....


Regarding karma for WWs, I think there are few things worse for someone than the slow realization that they've gotten what they thought they wanted and yet they're still miserable... and facing the reality that the one common denominator in their miserable situations and hollow relationships has been themselves!

laugh

Also, losing the LBS just as they are getting out of their funk and truly coming into their own has gotta suck for the still-flailing Wayward.


This would be what others have told me to be patient and will happen.. Like I said before not dwelling on this but would be nice "payback"...


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Originally Posted By: Tofbrks
This would be what others have told me to be patient and will happen.. Like I said before not dwelling on this but would be nice "payback"...

It may be just the people that I talk to but I hear far more stories about the LBS doing well than a WW getting a "happily ever after". And the people who tell the stories all do so with a smug smile on their faces.


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Well the separation agreement will be finished on the 19th...have put in no overnight clause in unless married to limit the exposure of D's to other people by md and W both. The lawyer thought is common but W feelings I'm sure will be different, as she already has OM. All this is hitting home now... So many changes all at once it's hard to adjust. Think my struggle is with the family has been my purpose , although it's still there somewhat ... It's different. Being in a smallish town and not able to get very far from her and om doesn't help either. The kids are having some difficulties. Since W is off for summer (job allows) it's been hard to compete with her ease of doing things and me having to work. The D's are home with my which they aren't as close to as mil. Still just some adjusting is neede , just hope it all works out.


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Hey Tofbrks,

Missed your messages last week, but glad to see you back around. Sorry that it's so tough right now. Our WWs sure have a way of making it painful on a daily basis for us. Just have to grind through all the crap as it comes at us.

I'm going to put a similar clause into my S agreement about no overnight visitors for either of us as well so I definitely think that's a good idea for the kid's sake.

Keep strong for you and your Ds brother. Let us know what we can do to help. Here to support you!


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Just checking in on you bud. How're things going?


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Tofbrks, any updates? Hope you're doing well brother.


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
Tofbrks, any updates? Hope you're doing well brother.


Thanks for asking... Discovered her EA that was more than likely a PA too. She's out of the house as of mid July...working over separation agreement now..so divorce is inevitable. Still many unanswered questions...may never know..
Was looking for Sandi's input on a WW that left for $ reasons..she's just cold and selfish.
Kids are a mess , don't want to switch house per week..really hard forcing time on kids...


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I hear you bud. Sorry it's been such a mess. My W is pushing to get the S agreement started as well.

How're you feeling about the MR now? Still willing to work to R it, or are you actively pushing it to be done? What kind of timeshare are you looking at with the kids? W and I are at odds on ours.

It's easy to get lost in all this. Make sure your focus is still on you and the kids. Got to be a rock for them in all this. Glad you stopped back in brother, had been worried about you man.


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Originally Posted By: lt0402
I hear you bud. Sorry it's been such a mess. My W is pushing to get the S agreement started as well.

How're you feeling about the MR now? Still willing to work to R it, or are you actively pushing it to be done? What kind of timeshare are you looking at with the kids? W and I are at odds on ours.

It's easy to get lost in all this. Make sure your focus is still on you and the kids. Got to be a rock for them in all this. Glad you stopped back in brother, had been worried about you man.


Thanks for the concern ..it's going full speed to D ..not much I can do to change her mind and for my mental health had to put those thoughts aside. Hard to be there for kids when your a basket case. Have moved on somewhat and have been tangled up with a woman.. No future but a good boost to self esteem. When around her don't even think about W .. Focused on the one I'm around , so don't know how that reflects on my recovery. OM wife has become friends with me and wants to introduce me to someone.. Don't know if I'm ready for that one... it would be more public and closer to home , so crash and burn would be known to circle of friends....but we'll see the possibilities are interesting.

1 week on and off for kids .. That's the toughest part of the whole thing.. Will take a lot of work...

How's it going your way ? Any changes?


Me:47 XW 43
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Was looking for input from vets or anyone with a similar situation to mine the time frame and thought process for moving on. My W has shown me no signs of breaking with om during our separation. I did however meet with the pastor that we first went to for counseling. We have remained friends as his daughter and mine do things together. During our breakfast convo he stated that she said she had "messed up bad".. Now this is in reference to my D13 sudden reoccurance of panic issues and fainting spells. Don't know how to treat this , glad she's becoming aware that her actions have long reaching effects. And it's strange I really have no feelings of longing for her just our " family" if that makes any sense. To the people who have gone or are going through similar.. when did you turn the corner ? Did you cycle often? From what people tell me stable ( both financially and mentally ) stable are highly desirable... Not to put the cart before the horse but to me the promise of a future make going through this a bit more liveable.
And what to do if she comes back ? For me too much has been said and done to ever go forward right now with her... It would take a lot of work on her part I don't think she is mature enough to do.


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There is no guaranteed timeline. Your W has to go through everything she needs to. More importantly, what are you doing during this time?


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: MrBond
There is no guaranteed timeline. Your W has to go through everything she needs to. More importantly, what are you doing during this time?


Moving forward the best I can.. Taking care of my D's ...journeying to acceptance..


Me:47 XW 43
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Divorce final October 2016
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Tofbrks! Great to see you again brother. I apologize as I missed your last response to me. I hope you and the Ds are doing well.

My situation is about the same as it was, just a few more roller coastery things having happened over the past couple months. Believe we are getting close to starting a custody and S agreement so that'll give this thing some definition. Other than that I'm still fighting for my M but am in a much better place than when you first responded to my first thread.

You have been through a lot my friend and I hope you are finding some peace with things. Please don't hesitate if there's anything I can help on. MrBond has a good question though, how're you filling your time nowadays? Still working on yourself?


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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