and to add on that a little. she's even talked to me about her IC, and even at times, I was her IC (living room IC), but she knows that she holds on to anger, holds on to grudges, never lets go of the past, never lets things live down, and never forgives... she still has walls built up and grudges held from things that were so long ago, and seem so menial when looking in from the outside.
Not being able to forgive others, or yourself, puts you in a bad position of living your life in captive of past events... never get a solid change to live in the "now"... too much worry all the time, etc.
W: I'm sure you've heard, but if you haven't, I met your new girl. She seems really sweet. W: She did say you message her a lot and that you need to maybe tone it back a little. Just letting you know so you don't push her away. Play it cool."
betterm,
You know those people that only read (or listen) to part of what you're saying and then they jump to a conclusion without listening to the whole story? Well, that would be me. Although, after jumping to my conclusion, I reread what you wrote and decided that I was wrong.
I read the texts that your wife sent (the quote above) about meeting your new girl. It sounds just like something someone with dissociative identity disorder (DID) would say. DID is multiple personalities. A person with DID will have internal conversations with the alternative personalities (alters) as if they are a completely separate person (for someone with DID each alter is a different person). So, the text messages your wife sent sound very much like two "insiders" are at work. The alter you had the deep conversation with the other day would have been telling the alter that sent you the texts that you should "tone-down" your approach.
However, after rereading you post, I understood that there was confusion between the waitress and the two groups (your wife's group and your brother's group). Oh well, I thought I had her pegged as DID, but alas...
Doodler, that's great input, and interesting you put it that way. My IC says she will try not to focus on my W too much, but it's important to understand that there are probably other factors at play in my sitch. While she "disclaimered" it with "I'm not a licensed Psy.M.D, it sounds very much like, given the familial genetics, and the behavior of my W, she is very much teetering on the edge of an issue with BPD or DID.
While I'm certain there was a "mixup" between the groups, when I spoke to W over text about it, and informed her she was talking about one of my brother's friends, and not me, she replied "bullsh1t, she said she talked to "<myname>", not <hisname>, I think she would know the name of the person she's texting"... (she's got a good point... but this makes me think that if there is multiple minds going on in there, one would be hearing "she's texting someone in my brother's group", and the other would feed it the manipulative value of "i heard her say <myname>"... so while the comments could be partially true, it only takes half of what she needs to hear, to feed the other half of what she "thinks" in completing her validity.
Also, one of her friend's could have said "are you talking about <myname>?", and she just wasn't paying attention and said "yeah, his brother" or something like that... who knows. but it's funny you bring up BPD and/or DID within hours of my IC bringing it up.
Yep, I put my disclaimer in there so you wouldn't read too much into what I was saying, but d@mn it sounds like DID. Of course, if that's what it is (and certainly don't take my word for it), then she doesn't know about the insiders. She might have some clues, she may feel like she's crazy, but she doesn't really know about the insiders.
People with DID generally start "falling apart" as they near the age of 30 because they've arrived at a place mentally where they can start handling some of the repressed memories. Unfortunately, the repressed memories can be very disruptive.
Also, be aware that communication channels seem to make a difference. Your wife's alter that is "out" the predominate amount of the time may be talking to you one minute, and then, a different alter may text you something the next minute. I don't know why, but different alters can come out while using different modes of communication.
There are some things you can try when you talk to her that will elicit other alters, but once the applecart is upset, expect things to get worse before they get better (and I'm not talking about divorce stuff).
People with DID need lots of tender loving care and attention. They've had a hard life and it literally takes many years to work through the various issues.
I don't have a place to diagnose anyone, and I know my W wouldn't want to hear anything of that sorts from me... even if I was qualified. but there's always been a part of me that knew I was relied on to "keep her together." Even thinking back of past situations, her "trust" issues for instance: when i'd bring up how she shouldn't have to feel like she needs to go through my phone, look at the bills/logs, verify with my friends/family that I'm doing what I actually told her I'm doing, she always has the response similar to, "when things are good, I don't need to do any of those things, but when things are worrying, something takes over and I just need to do that to make myself feel better about it"...
I realize some of this is just normal human behavior, but I still feel there should be limits, and someone who is in control of themselves would learn over time, that these kinds of things are not normal and need to be dealt with in a professional environment, or with lots and lots of self-study, reflection, and transformation.
I'm not really dwelling on this, for me. Part of me just really feels bad that this happened right when things were "getting better" and "more friendly" between us, and then again - right before she leaves to have some peace and quiet by herself away from this town. I truly feel bad for her right now, and I want her to get better: mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. I know that's not my job to do this though, she needs to come to these terms herself, and she has to be the one to realize, and make the changes in herself to find her way.
I shared the story because WTF. While my outlook on the M and the D has changed dramatically, I was enjoying the "friendship" it felt like we were rekindling, but I know there is still a lot of inner battles going on within her. Likely, there will be a lot of "one minute this, next minute that" for a long time to come. I'm on a good path, I'm taking pretty good care of what I consider important to me right now, if there is one spot I'm not doing that, it's taking care of her, but unfortunately that's the one thing I just can't do at this time until she's ready for it... if and/or when she's ever ready for it.
On a slightly different side of things... before the weird "I talked to your new girl, she's sweet, play it cool, I'm happy for you but really I hate you" conversations started, I could see a big change in direction on how my W was approaching this situation. The anger has faded quite a bit, but I think I mentioned this in a previous post. Whenever we interact lately, text, talk, or face-to-face, she seems somewhat thoughtful. Like she's not just in a constant state of reaction and she doesn't seem near as aggressive in her approaches to pretty much anything.
Several of the talks we had led her to saying things like she doesn't see how there's any way we could ever get this finalized in the next 3 weeks, and that she see's our D carrying on for quite some more time. and even if we could, why should we rush things? ie, lets just take things slow and let them happen naturally, blah blah. it seems I'm now the one with the consistency in what's going on and what should come next. I'm still not entirely sure what's going on in her mind, but she's definitely "slowed her role" quite a bit. The whole texting about finding out about "my new girl," was not something I'd ever receive from my W... She's overly jealous, aggressive, etc, and even though it was text, it seemed 'calm.' I'm not sure if that's a change, or just depression take a hold on her.
I'm going to have to go meet this "new girl" in my life, as I don't know who she is, but my W is giving me dating advice on how to handle my rate of contact with her before I blow it. Haha. (jk, I'm not doing this).
My W that was around last week, actually made me miss her a little bit when she wasn't around. It actually got me thinking about "what if", not that I want this, nor do I expect it. But it was a good feeling for me to have... bittersweet. I want that friendship back that we had, but there are way too many variables involved right now and definitely not the time to be thinking about it too much. Plus, she's still lying to me... she's a master of manipulation, but a horrible liar.
Oh yeah, I'm going through boxes and saw something reminded me of something else she said 3-4 days ago... in one of those "good" conversations we were sarcastically joking and laughing about how the cost of our wedding and how looking back it probably wasn't the best thing for us, or our families...
but we were just hanging out, and smiling together and I said "it was a pretty kicka$$ wedding though, totally worth it, I just can't believe we paid $X for the videographer and then never had him put a song to the video... (it was not cheap, at all...) The wedding was flat out awesome, but it's a shame we never even got that completed for the people to see before this.
She said "yeah... we should pick out a song and have them finalize it for us... you never know what's going to happen in the future, we might get back together and it'll be something we have shared and look back on... or even if we don't, it's still good memories of our friends and families"... I'm so glad I'm not judging every action and word she says anymore or I'd be an absolute mess...
That's so bittersweet. And it sounds like now that the D is getting closer and everything you guys have been through she is relaxing a little around you and the old friendship is able to come through again. Sounds like she is open to reconciliation somewhere down the line to even joke about it.
You guys seem like you could be one of those ex couples that go on to be the best of friends post breakup. And then who knows what happens in the future?
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I don't have much time to respond so this will be short...
First, she trusts you, at least on some level. She created an alter just for you. Don't expect much from the new alter, she's probably there for the short term.
Second, she probably has a construct in her head, like a castle or a cave or a big house where all the alters live. If she can give you a clue of where she goes when she's not "out" then you'll have something that's a little more tangible (in her world) to begin helping her realize she's not alone.
Lastly, DID is a protective mechanism; it allowed the child to survive. Unfortunately, people who have suffered childhood abuse often have poor barriers and they often perceive the good guys as bad guys and the bad guys as good guys. Be very wary of the EA partner. Google "grooming" in the context of childhood sexual abuse.
That's so bittersweet. And it sounds like now that the D is getting closer and everything you guys have been through she is relaxing a little around you and the old friendship is able to come through again. Sounds like she is open to reconciliation somewhere down the line to even joke about it.
You guys seem like you could be one of those ex couples that go on to be the best of friends post breakup. And then who knows what happens in the future?
Funny, two Saturdays ago I went to a Daddy Diaper Party while she was at the Mommy's Baby Shower party for the same mutual friend couple. I talked on here about how I was hesitant to go, but went and had a good time. During this party, I spoke to a married mutual friend for some extended period of time about how his mother and father got divorced some 15 years ago, and they reconciled shortly after (less than 1 year), but never remarried. They've been happy together ever since, without the formalization of having "been remarried."
Oddly, she told me she had a conversation with the man I was talking to's wife, about the exact same thing. She almost seemed excited while she was talking about it, but I know that's not what I should be focusing on, and I'm not. I do have hopes that one day my W and I can have the best marriage in the cosmos, but that just won't happen if we both don't just continue to figure out ourselves on a deeper level.
When we were talking about this conversation, when it ended moreso, there was this long silent pause, where we just gazed into each other eyes. It was one of those moments stuck in time kind of thing (for me anyways, seemed that way for her too, but no way to know as I didn't ask questions), there was a connection there, like we both knew there could be something better, and we didn't have to be without each other to achieve it.
I do hope for this, but with the current state of "us." Lots of work needs to be done, and we'll just have to see how that goes before I see anything changing as far as committing back to "us" for the future. I think the vision is there, the thoughts have re-emerged, but strength to carry on will be the key. I have things I know I need to do, and she has to do the same... and if we both take care of this, we'll both be happy in the future, "with or without."
