Still dealing with this horrible situation. This is the first time I've deviated from my own GAL and personal plans, to accommodate my W's needs. She's still grieving the loss of the cat, and having a hard time dealing with the fact that our dogs are responsible for it. Since we've been together, we've always visited her family (about 2 hours away) for a big July 4th party. She originally said she didn't want to go because she just wasn't in the mood to "socialize" or anything like that. Also said she didn't want to deal with all the "hey, where's <my name>?", "how's <my name>?"
I can understand that, but I talked to her earlier and she was in really bad shape, didn't want to be at her parents because that's where it happened. Didn't want to come home because she didn't want to see the dogs responsible. And our dogs can't be alone for the night with all the fireworks going off, cuz they'll freak out and I'll come home to urine and poo everywhere. I suggested I would cancel my plans to go to the lake, and she can go to the party at her family's for the night so she can get out of the atmosphere that's driving her crazy right now.
So, I'm home alone with the dogs tonight, supposed to be partying at the lake with a bunch of new faces, but I'm okay with it. I know my W is grieving, and I really feel for her during this time. She texted me and said she appreciated everything I'm doing, and that she'd be back tomorrow to watch the dogs if I wanted to at least go spend SUN-MON at the lake, I told her I'd think about it...
I finished it up with a text stating I know W has a lot of friends/family up there, but if she needs to "get away" and/or talk to "someone else", I'm here for her. And I truly just feel that way. As much as I've removed myself from fixing the M, or reconciling, I love her and just want to be here for a support outlet if she needs it. Pursuing or not, doesn't really matter to me, because my communications to her have been all over the damn place lately, from "where's my money, B?" to "should we schedule our remarriage date?" to "I'm gonna shove my D in your M the next time you open it"... yeah, I know. and for all the newbies out there, this is not "proper DB'ing". But if you know my story/history, you might (somewhat) understand. HAHA.
On maybe a stranger note, The single mom down the street randomly stopped by to talk when I was in the garage, it was strange, but she mentioned that she realized my W's been gone a lot lately. I felt kinda unconfortable talking about it... this is the woman that my W has always had jealous behavior towards... She said "Maybe we'll meet later if you're still around the neighborhood"... I was like, uhhh okay....
Anywho... I'll be here, invited a few friends, and brother, over, but most had plans already as it's big night for july 4th parties... probably no one coming over, but Ill be here, drinking some good beers, chillin with the doggies, and hopping on and offline the forums... and cautiously hoping that neighbor doesn't come back over here. That kinda scared me. haha. Hope everyone is having a good Independence Day weekend! boom boom boom, go blow some stuff up!
Long-weekend is almost over, and W is probably about back to the house, or her parents, not sure. She said she'd be coming home to our house at some point tonight, but I'm not there so dunno. W is still in shock and didn't want to be around the dogs because of what happened. Her and her mom went up to visit family a few hours away for their annual 4th Party. I didn't mind staying home, allowing my W to escape the horrible nature and environment of what happened with the family cat. I still feel horrible about it all. I bought her mom a card and small book that I'm going to take over and just drop off to her sometime tomorrow.
I stayed home most the weekend, my bro cancelled is plans on Sat and came by to hang out for a bit, because he's frickin awesome and continues to be throughout this change in my life. The weekend consisted mostly of thunderstorms, red wine, some movies, reading/studying, and cleaning the house up a bit, mostly all taking place in my pajamas... I did walk down 4-5 houses one night and hung out for a 4th party with some neighbors, luckily they were all heavily intoxicated, as I wasn't feeling all that social and might've come off a little strange if not. it was fun, and met some neighbors that I'd never spoke to before, so that was nice. I'm trying to be a more friendly neighbor nowadays, and I'm actually liking the results.
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On another interesting note, the money situation is still out of control. My W calls me aggressively saying I need to pay the majority of the bills (BTW, I had already planned on this due to income differences), but specifically now, since she's in the middle of summer break with her job, she is only making about $400 a month with her side job. I told her I don't mind carrying the load on any existing bills, and any joint bills, but she'd be responsible for bills solely related to her. And I also said that if she continues to spend money so wastefully then I would not feel comfortable paying all the bills/expenses that I agreed to. (this conversation was on Friday). She had spent about $500 on bars, restaurants, clothing and jewelry. She got very defensive and then calmed down and said she's trying to be more responsible with her spending habits, as she knows this is going to be hard for us financially until she starts her normal job back up. I told her that I'm not going out to eat, drinking out, etc, because I'm aware things are going to be tight with me paying most the bills, and her not making much at all... There was a semi-agreement, so I deposited a $400 check in the account to pay for the majority of a $550 car repair bill on her car.
Low and Behold... what do you think happens while W and mom are on the way home from family member's. I checked the joint account, and sure enough, SOMEONE found an outlet mall on the way home, and dumped about $500 on "whatever". Doesn't really matter, but I know it's necessary, and I just can't help but laugh at how she can knowingly choose to make her life more difficult on herself right now. Anyway... I'm not mad, I really just am inching closer and closer to apathetic about the whole thing and it's getting kind of oddly repetitive.
I meet with my lawyer tomorrow to go over a list of 7 things I sent her I need greater clarification on. and I sent over an "addon" question on what I can do about this financial situation. --- So, to close up, things are going good with me. I'm still moving forward and very happy with the changes I've been making. I'm now trying to "slow down" a bit, and by that, I'm deciding which of my GAL and 180s I like/appreciate the most and I'm going to try to focus down on a few while keeping the others around for fillers. I also scheduled some professional training where I'll be traveling to Las Vegas for a training conference in my field... yep, Las Vegas was just a coincidence. I promise I didn't purposely go looking for conferences in LV.. HAHAHAHA riiiiight!
Hope you all are enjoying a great Independence Day Weekend!
Talked to W for a minute... No mention of shopping spree. She just yelled at me a llittle bit for leaving the dogs home by themselves for a few hours just before the fireworks started to get crazy. NO mention of thanks or gratitude for canceling all my plans and spending the entire holiday weekend here... Just anger and yelling. Gee, I sure do miss my W, or... The woman that used to be my wife anyways HHA
I believe one distinct difference in a WAW and the wayward is that the WW is not interested and won't cooperate in reconciling the MR........no matter what the LBH tries to do to IMPROVE HIMSELF. The WAW is usually hurt and leaves the M due to specific circumstances.
I was reading Surfer's post and saw this from sandi. I am in a much different phase of my sitch than he, but I do still think about this from time to time. I came here with the idea that I had a WAW, and then discovered the EA, to which W has still not admitted to ("just a friend")... My view changed from a WAW to a WW after discovering and confronting the EA...
I have been doing a lot of studying lately in various topics/cultures, and try not to take much of a "causal" approach to things (cause and effect), as I'm learning more and more about how wrong it is to view things that way and act that way in life, it's part of what I'm seeing wrong with the vision of "human nature." I do kind of think that my W was losing touch, and "planning" a WAW mentality, and in the process, found this great friend that could encourage her to find strength to pull the trigger, and evolving into a WW nature.
Do you all think it's common for WAW-in-the-making can lead to Waywardness in the process? This doesn't really change anything in my life and my plan right now, it's just something I was kind of thinking about with the way conversations are going with my W in the last few weeks. She "seems" like she does care, and she drops lines/verbiage that leans toward her being willing to work on things at some point in the future, but just "not now"...
Regardless, just something that I pondered as I read the post over on Surfer's thread. Nothing really changes, just curious on others thoughts.
I have been doing a lot of studying lately in various topics/cultures, and try not to take much of a "causal" approach to things (cause and effect), as I'm learning more and more about how wrong it is to view things that way and act that way in life, it's part of what I'm seeing wrong with the vision of "human nature." I do kind of think that my W was losing touch, and "planning" a WAW mentality, and in the process, found this great friend that could encourage her to find strength to pull the trigger, and evolving into a WW nature. Do you all think it's common for WAW-in-the-making can lead to Waywardness in the process? This doesn't really change anything in my life and my plan right now, it's just something I was kind of thinking about with the way conversations are going with my W in the last few weeks. She "seems" like she does care, and she drops lines/verbiage that leans toward her being willing to work on things at some point in the future, but just "not now"...
Sounds alot like my W. I believe when my W was still WAW she was trying to see if she can re-connect with me. Unfortunately at that time she had pushed me away for months and i was hurt and angry and emotionally just shut down.
Not long after that i believe her EA started and then her attitude changed to one of not caring, not caring about our M, our Son by saying things like hey other kids survive divorce etc.
anecdotally i would be in agreement with you betterm
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Do you all think it's common for WAW-in-the-making can lead to Waywardness in the process?
betterm,
My short answer to your question is yes. But, I think my longer answer is better along with the disclaimer that my opinion is based on observation of my wife and from reading posts from members of this forum (i.e. it's anecdotal).
I think the driving force behind a WW is probably comprised of a number of forces. There's family background, preexisting psychological issues, current psychological issues (depression, self esteem), abuse issues, midlife crisis, hormonal changes, and a number of other things that contribute to the WW behavior. I think an affair (EA/PA) is the catalyst and that seems to be the thing that brings the pieces of the puzzle together and serves to cause a break from reality.
I think some women and men are much more susceptible than others. For example, my wife was sexually abused at a young age. Because of that abuse she doesn't have good boundaries. One thing leads to another and soon there's a downward spiral that's difficult to stop. Much like someone with a chemical dependency (or maybe it's exactly like that).
That doesn't really codify all of my thoughts, but it's a start and maybe it'll prompt some additional discussion. I know that Cadet has studied the underlying causes of WAW/WW and can probably provide invaluable input.
All I know is, if you have a fever, the prescription is more cowbell. If you have a WS, the prescription is boxes and tape.
Do you all think it's common for WAW-in-the-making can lead to Waywardness in the process?
Originally Posted By: Natus
anecdotally i would be in agreement with you betterm
Thanks for your input, Natus. I don't think it really matters much at this point, as I've taken steps to be the best me regardless of what she's doing/thinking/etc. But still just something I was thinking about. I think her depression, feelings of not be valued, desired, etc, lead to a WAW mentality, which could've been lingering for months, then when OM was found it became something different.
BTW, I did find out recently that OM is ALSO going through a divorce himself... W told me this of all people when he came up in conversation about "our future." I calmly asked if she still talks to him, and she said "he is a friend and he is helping me get through some "lawyer" things... he is also going through a divorce i think so its nothing more than friendly help"... HAHA, MmmmHmmmmm! I told her I was glad she had someone that is familiar with the process to help her out.
Originally Posted By: doodler
I think the driving force behind a WW is probably comprised of a number of forces. There's family background, preexisting psychological issues, current psychological issues (depression, self esteem), abuse issues, midlife crisis, hormonal changes, and a number of other things that contribute to the WW behavior.
I know that Cadet has studied the underlying causes of WAW/WW and can probably provide invaluable input.
All I know is, if you have a fever, the prescription is more cowbell. If you have a WS, the prescription is boxes and tape.
It's interesting... I've thought about this before and sometimes I just forget "root cause." I come to remember that ball-busting D coach I hired near the beginning, the session with me IC, and my DB-coach, where we talked my W's historical patterns and cultural childhood development that has probably lead my W to "medicate with the easiest route she can find at that time." To "throw away was she really cares for in her life, for something that seems important at that specific time." It's a real problem, and I know this, sometimes slips my mind. And yes, Cadet's detailed posts on WAW/WW I have found to be very informative.
My W was not sexually abused in childhood, but grew up under a wings of an un-medicated manic/bi-polar mother (among other mental issues), so the impulsive swings and "what do i need right now and where can I find it" mentality was deeply engraved in early years. Also, to mention the doormat dad (bless his heart, great man, but now I see how he enabled this behavior), who just allowed it all to happen to avoid the storms...
Just got off the phone with my L and it looks like we are going to be filing some provisional applications to take care of my W's financial irresponsibility. I told my W that I didn't mind taking care of the bulk of the "joint" bills until we get this finalized, and she's taking full advantage of that by treating herself to plenty of expenses in the categories of: new clothes/jewelry/perfume, entertainment/events, dining out, and drinking alcohol out at bars. My W has spent over $1,800 (compared to my $250) in these four categories alone, all of which are definitely not "normal spending habits for our lifestyle," which was outlined in the TRO for assets/finances. - W was complaining to me over the weekend about how I make more money and I should take care of most of the bills, and I told her I would be happy to do this, as long as she quits her wasteful spending (which she, of course - in her eyes, had justified reasons for every transaction). She was complaining about how my lawyer is now sending her documents she's required to fill out and said she doesn't think she needs to because "she has nothing to hide." - I asked my L about what they've sent, and apparently our two L's got into an argument about how many subpoenas, disclosures, discoveries they've already filed on me and my income, and her L apparently said they would be filing for maintenance (we don't have alimony in my state, but maintenance is similar. My L said to him that we wouldn't have filed anything but since they keep sending stuff to her client, she's not just going to sit back and let them walk all over me, and she will continue to file more and more as long as they expect me to cooperate with their "unreasonable requests." - My L asked me "What has she done to create more income since she's off in the summer months?" and I thought, good flipping question! I was trying to play the nice guy when it comes to the bills/finances because she doesn't make much, but it appears that's not going to be the case much longer. - Oh boy, this might be the start to something interesting.
Betterm I definitely think there is a difference between how you treat a WW vs WAW. I think there is a difference between the two. In my first situation I had a WW. This time around I have a WAW and can totally tell the difference. My W is looking at houses, talking about future stuff, makes future plans, etc My WW the first time around had no interest in reconciling at all as long as there was OM around and in sight. She could care less what I did when he was in the picture. Now she says she sees the change in me, but is still skeptical. I understand that it's going to take time I do however worry that my WAW can become WW because she is certainly vulnerable. And I think that is possible in every relationship were a void exist
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
