Progress is slow but does happen!

[Si_07]

Hi PacLove, I understand the feeling of wanting to try something different. My W's languages would be Quality time and words of Affirmation. First one is a little harder to do and definitely anti DBing right now. My W certainly seems to be attention seeking, I get all sorts of information about what she has done for the kids, almost like, look at me and how well I'm doing as a single mom....

Within DBing, I think it's ok to experiment a little and see what happens. So for me, I will start with an occasional measured words of affirmation and see what transpires. Maybe you can start the same, small, measured and occasional.

[Si_07]

Just had some other thoughts, it took the loss of our family unit, the loss of our best friend and partner to 'wake' us up. To explore ourselves, to turn and open our own Pandora's box. I understand more about what Sandi says about losses cracking through the fog, it is how it got through to us.

Like I said before, I don't think we can't experiment but we have to remember not to put any hope on seeing some dramatic effect. If we do, we can have no expectations or it will only hurt us. For me the experiments would be the odd reminder of the friendship we used to have, the connection we used to have but then to pull back again and observe. My W has made it known to friends that she wants to be friends, that she doesn't understand why I'm not. It could be a sign of her feeling that loss or it could still be just trying to have the best of both worlds. That's why I feel it's important for me to keep looking at this from outside the fish bowl.

[PacLove]

So W and D leave for 2 week vacation today, this was planned before 2nd BD/S but now that we are S and D and I have grown so close in the last 3 months I'm not overly excited about it.

It will be good to have some isolation and will be good for them to spend some time together. It will also isolate her from OM to some degree.

Planning lots of fun stuff over the next 2 weeks to keep me busy!

[PacLove]

Enjoying the mountains today! lots of time to ponder things.

Question for you all - how many of your WAS are trying to work with you amicably through your DB'ing. Mine seems to want to stay friends, work on things that are mutually beneficial (Kids, investments, real estate) but is totally ignoring the elephant in the room (The A and the separation).

It does make for a more peaceful separation, especially around D and ensuring things are well taken care of but at the same time I don't know if it hurts or helps the situation.

[coffee_]

That is exactly what has been happening in my house. They don't want to talk about it. In reality they feel like crap for what they have done. Ignoring the A and the separation is just the easy way out.

[RSG]

That is exactly what has been happening in my house. They don't want to talk about it. In reality they feel like crap for what they have done. Ignoring the A and the separation is just the easy way out.

Hmm. Mine gets angry if I mention anything, and I'm trying to stop caring. I'm trying to do right, if she wants to continue to do wrong that's on her. She's mentioned D a couple times, in about 40 days. I think it was more as threats to try to get what she wants though.

Everything they do, once the A starts, is the easy/cowardly way out....

[PacLove]

So good weekend overall, and a highlight I thought worth sharing.

A friend of mine shared a story of a couple they knew that were separated for 2 years and then just recently got back together.

Similar situation with the wife walking out to "find herself", she didn't think there was any A but did say she dated some during the 2 year separation... their Daughter started developing behavior issues which was ultimately the catalyst for them getting back together.

He never took is ring off, followed her (and kid) across country (but lived separately). They are now back together and piecing.

Strange conversation with W over the weekend, she started talking about living different places and even suggested that maybe "we" take a flip out to some of them to check them out and even suggested me to check out jobs there. I kind of chalk this up as her forgetting in the moment we are separated.

[PacLove]

So a lot of DB theology is around GAL and making yourself "look" attractive to our spouses so they will want to come back.

How have others on here handled the potentially unattractive necessary conversations? For example, I need to bring up to W that she owes some money on the shared expenses which I know will be a love buster... so I've been hesitating.

I'm very detailed around finances and while I know she appreciates this quality in me for our investments, she'll also see it as me monitoring her and watching her spending when I confront her on this. It definitely wont be putting any deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.

[betterm]

This is tough. I've actually had conversations about this with my W, and how we need to handle it, and nothing has worked. She knows that she lets her emotions get involved and loses control of herself, leading to raised voice, anger, yelling, and then usually, an eventual door slamming as she storms out of the room/house. I always remain calm and try to listen/hear my wife out on her side of things, but she's just too angry to hear anything other than "negative, negative, negative" and falls apart cause she can't keep control... I know it's not the best way, or the answer you might want to hear, but we've resorted to emails and texts for anything dealing with "business matters."

[PacLove]

Yeah I was trying a "weekly" business email highlighting things around the house/kids/finances but I don't know as if she liked that too much. I also dropped a hint today without implying that she needs to pay.