Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2688689 07/01/16 09:11 AM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
I think I'm over 100 posts on my thread, so moving to a new one. Here's the link to the first:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2674615&an=

As some of the other members have done, here is a summary of my situation. Some details may be new for the group.

Been married for almost 21 years. After my wife got pregnant with twins in year 5 we started to drift apart, the focus was no longer on each other or the marriage. I began tring to push intimacy that was no longer there. When that didn't work, I developed an addiction to porn and to combine that with what I now realize were unrealistic expectations for what a marriage should be really started to ruin the trust my wife had for me. My actions continued off and on for the next 15 years, pushing here further and further away.

In January of this year, after taking some time away from a job she got burned out on, she took a part time job at a retirement home in our community, working 2 days a week. This is where she met the OM. In late March, early April, I began to suspect something was wrong/going on as my wife would leave our bed and go downstairs after she thought I was asleep. After a week of this happening every night, I snooped on April 5 and accessed her phone to find text messages that at that point turned my life upside down.

I confronted my wife about it and that is when I received the ILYBNILWY speach. She asked for some time to work through her feelings that she didn't know what the relationship with the OM was. She told me that at that point it had been texting and phone calls, but that there had also been a kiss or two, but nothing more.

As the next couple of months unfolded, she started going to the OMs house as it's not far from where we live, and that's where it turned into a full PA.

I realize now that I have been a doormat for the past couple of months, letting her do what she wants without consequences in hopes that she would wake up and realize what she is giving up. While she's gone back and forth several times, realizing she needs to end it, that there is no future with the OM, she continues to let him back in.

During this time, I have established some goals for myself and worked on GAL activities, spending more time with my kids, changing the way I dress, how I'm groomed, exercising a lot more and finding my faith again.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself and am working on identifying the boundries and consequences that I now know I need to start implementing and enforcing.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
as you move forward too, do you think it would be possible to list any goals you are working towards, your current GAL activites and any 180's that you have been implementing?

it will be easier for us to get a better to understand where YOU are at if you do.

doesn't have to be right now, because I am sure you are busy planing your Holiday weekend activites right now for you to enjoy!!!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
Goals:
Get out at least 1 time a week with a friend or co-worker
Spend more quality time with my kids
Exercise 3-4 times per week
Lose weight (down 23 pounds since BD)
Rediscover my faith.

GAL activities:
Get out of the apartment with the kids to see a movie, see a baseball game, etc.
For exercise go somewhere other than the gym to run
Attend work events that I used to skip (professional groups, networking events, etc.)
Go to church once a week.

I've also been reading - the Divorce Remedy, Love Must Be Tough, and am currently reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Not to mention reading as much as I can hear, trying to learn as much as I can from other members and seeing what I can apply to my situation.

As far as weekend activities, will probably be pretty quiet. I am taking my 3 youngest daughters to the College Home Run Derby in Omaha on Sunday. It's a fun event we go to every year and they have a huge fireworks show after the event. Don't know yet what we might do on the 4th itself, may play that one more by ear.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
lfm,

It sounds like you're going to be a busy guy. Have fun!

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Mine started off a bit rocky. Found myself venting about everything to my WW on Friday night. I know this pushed her away, and I feel like I'm back at square one in terms of how she views me as I think in her mind it wiped away the changes she had seen in me, making her feel like it was just temporary.

I was able to recover a bit on Saturday, went to see a movie with my W on Saturday - she asked, I was definitely not pursuing it. On Sunday took my 4 daughters to the College Home Run Derby, while my wife was at work. Girls had a lot of fun, and suprisingly, my W went home after work and was in bed asleep when I got home. We spent most of the day together as a family on the 4th.

I need to continue doing my thing, GAL, work on goals and continue to learn to shut up and walk away when I get frustrated or feel I need to vent.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
Originally Posted By: lfm
Mine started off a bit rocky. Found myself venting about everything to my WW on Friday night.
It happens, no one is perfect and it's all about being able to live in the present, and recognize when you're heading down the wrong tracks, and then stop the train immediately before it derails completely. I used to obsess about my "mistakes" and have come to realize there is no "one particular moment" that is going to make or break the sitch. Transformation takes time.

I need to continue doing my thing, GAL, work on goals and continue to learn to shut up and walk away when I get frustrated or feel I need to vent.

Learning to shut and walk away was one of the things I had a hard time with in the beginning too. The more you detach, the more easier it is, and often times - leads to other discoveries you weren't even looking for.

Sounds like you had a good 4th weekend.
So, what are those goals and GAL's that you're working on?


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
L
lfm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 153
Reposting goals and GAL's from up above:
Goals:
Get out at least 1 time a week with a friend or co-worker
Spend more quality time with my kids
Exercise 3-4 times per week
Lose weight (down 23 pounds since BD)
Rediscover my faith.

GAL activities:
Get out of the apartment with the kids to see a movie, see a baseball game, etc.
For exercise go somewhere other than the gym to run
Attend work events that I used to skip (professional groups, networking events, etc.)
Go to church once a week.


_____________________
Me:44
W:44
Together 22
Married 21
S 19
D 17, 15, 15. 7
EA/PA suspected 3/30/2016
EA/PA confirmed 4/5/2016
ILYBINILWY 4/5/2016
WW asked for Divorce 5/8/2016 (WW has backtracked)
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted By: betterm
It happens, no one is perfect and it's all about being able to live in the present, and recognize when you're heading down the wrong tracks, and then stop the train immediately before it derails completely. I used to obsess about my "mistakes" and have come to realize there is no "one particular moment" that is going to make or break the sitch. Transformation takes time.


I completely agree with betterm. In fact, a 180 for most of us would be to purposely bungle-up everything. We should all have a bungle-up day that pushes the WW into such a rage that she can't function.

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
My bungle up day will be after I am D and move to the same city she lives.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
Originally Posted By: JimKao
My bungle up day will be after I am D and move to the same city she lives.

"Honey, I'm home!" smile


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard