I think we are DB twins, lol. For my WW, there's no chance that she will get together with her XBF, he's on another continent and he told her "I can't leave my family obligations here." (I was able to "hear" their conversations). I think it's the same as your WW, they're weak to others but they want to "show" us how strong they are, for their pride and the imaginary "abuse" they took from us during the marriage. My exposure of her EA blew that to shreds. She couldn't use her story about us not being compatible, she was miserable, etc. when I showed people she reconnected with OM 9 years ago! Her arguments didn't have a leg to stand on. But now she persists in her actions because she has to show people that our M was so bad she has to leave. Nevermind blowing up everything I've worked for for 20 years and making both me and my S miserable. (And I'm sure herself too!) It's so unnecessary but I don't see a way out of it. I wish I have a time machine so I can just fast forward to see the ending first. We are stuck in this purgatory while our WW figure out what they want to do in life. This part is what I really hate. It is very unfair that I am the faithful spouse yet she can spew all this venom and hate on me and my son and destroy our family. With seemingly little repercussion.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I think we are ! Isn't it mind blowing how the same things occur like they do ! How is your WW treating you now ? Mine is friendly ish but we only communicate strictly kids only. She won't say hello or look at me when I pick up and drop off, but I always make sure I look my best and am all smiles and positives. I have nothing to do with any of her supporters and she has no family so she is isolated in her own little world. I have thought about her dating today, It has bothered me a little but not as much as I thought. I am thinking about it myself. Its been almost 2 years since I had any intimacy but if I did date, that would kill any chance of R, but I don't want a R with her any more, I don't like her at all. I wanted my old wife back..which is never gonna happen in my lifetime (!), so why am I bothered ? Why can't I date ? I gave my all to save my M and it wasn't enough..is that me trying to justify myself ? How long do I give it ? Till Decree absolute is through? I just don't know. Man it is confusing !
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Isn't amazing that the WAS's sometimes do and say the same things?! My H told me that he and the OW realize that "relationships that start like theirs have a low rate of success". Yet, two families and marriages were destroyed when they got together even though it is very unlikely they will end up together! So, I agree with CWOL, my H has to follow through on the divorce to prove our marriage was a mess even without the affair. I think it is a matter of "saving face" or credibility.
I am also feeling a little like Keefa today - why in the world do I want this man back? After 25 years together, he had an affair, lied to me and the kids about it, got caught and wasn't remorseful and still wants a D. He isn't the same person either. I am hopeful this is the start of really detaching, but it is such an emotional roller coaster I am afraid I'll be back the other way in an hour.
Keefa - I am glad you are taking the high road during all your interactions with W especially in front of the kids. Your kids will remember that someday. And, you can always look yourself in the eye and say you tried to take the high road and save your marriage. You did your best, especially with it being two years!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
So, I agree with CWOL, my H has to follow through on the divorce to prove our marriage was a mess even without the affair. I think it is a matter of "saving face" or credibility.
That's why I exposed her affair after holding tight for three weeks. I know DB discourages exposure, but I had to get it out there so she can't "save face." She now refuses to talk to any of the people I told about her affair now, as she knew she can't spin the story since I got the facts out BEFORE she had a chance to claim our marriage was a mess. Those who have tried to talk to her said, yes, but really, for nine years (the first contact that I uncovered between her and OM)? They all know me and said whatever my behavior was, it can't amount to enough for her to wreck the marriage and have an affair. So she lost credibility on that.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I exposed the PA to many of our friends where we lived for 19 years before we moved here. They pretty much sided with me and he cut off contact with all of them. I don't think he is being honest with the remainder of his friends or family (my guess is he is telling them the PA started after I "kicked him out" in October). Regardless, I think that is why he has to follow through with the D…..he wants to show everyone that we were on the path to divorce even without the A (or, so that is what he is telling himself and anyone he thinks will believe him). Unfortunately, no one will call him on his BS. But, I don't think they believe him anyway.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I think we are ! Isn't it mind blowing how the same things occur like they do ! How is your WW treating you now ? Mine is friendly ish but we only communicate strictly kids only. She won't say hello or look at me when I pick up and drop off, but I always make sure I look my best and am all smiles and positives.
Lol, my WW is your WW's clone! She does the same thing. She doesn't even answer "Good morning!" back to me in the morning, and does not wave goodbye to me. I make a point to do both and greet her and be all smiles and positive. We are pleasant enough together as a family.
To be honest, I do not hate her at this point. I think when she moves out she will discover her unhappiness is not because of me.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
today I am feeling guilty. My house is now looking fab, new furniture, new TV. I am running 4 times a week. The sun is out, it is a beautiful day, Rugby this weekend and I have my boys, I had a date of sorts last night, I am liking myself and am liking my life at the moment. Shouldn't I be wallowing in the grief of my M and 15 years made worthless? Nope. I choose how I feel, no one else and today I am choosing to feel strong, healthy and positive. [censored] storm on the horizon but will deal with it if it comes my way. I feel guilty because I feel like I am moving pretty rapidly into my new life, there has been absolutely nothing to suggest there is anything for me in my old life. I read this a few days ago... 'if only everything would fall into place, I would find peace' But what it should be is... 'Find peace, and everything will fall into place' Just wanted to share my feelings today with those who are in a dark place or who are struggling. I loved my wife. I mean die for her do anything for her loved her with out condition or agenda. I still do. But she has gone, and I'm moving forward.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Hi everyone. Been a while since I posted so thought I would check in. I have been reading an awful lot on here over the last few months and I find it heartbreaking reading individual stories.
As for me, well it is a year today since I got ILYBINILWY.
My Divorce is progressing past the first court hearing (UK) and it looks likely to be messy. I am still GAL'ing. I am polite and professional to my ex and only let my boys see me happy and content. I am still fighting to see them more (currently just under 4 days in 30) and am fighting to keep a roof over my head. Solicitors bills have put me massively in debt but there are assets so what will be will be.
Emotionally, well, it is incredibly hard still. I have times at work when I cannot stop tears. I sit alone at night and am baffled how it got to this. I still do not understand. I miss my boys every day. Ex is hostile, vindictive, accuses me of everything and anything to vindicate her affair. I still do not sleep well. GAL'ing is the hardest thing I have ever done. The ONLY time I feel happy is when I am with my boys. The absolute best moment in the month is Sunday morning on 'my' weekend, all snuggled up watching a movie and playing silly games. I have accepted the loss of my wife. There is no way back from this even if a miracle happened and she wanted to talk. I am struggling to accept the loss of my family, my dreams, my trust, my wanting to be close to someone. Everyone tells me it will all come good, it will change. I don't think so. I can't make it not have happened. I can't get back the times I have missed with my children. All we ever do is scar over and become harder to what hurt us. Some of us become bitter. This is so sad. I often have nightmares about the police knocking at my door telling me there has been an accident involving her and my boys. I miss the person I knew. I want her to understand the pain. I want her to at least be friendly for the sake of the boys. Everyone tells me the boys will work it out one day. Of this I have no doubt but how will I get my fatherhood back ? How will I get back the hundred missed story times, light sabre fights before bed, sharing tv programs, making models on a rainy Sunday. The list goes on. I get told that to move on I must forgive. I will never forgive her. Never. Healthy or not, I will never consider her with anything other than utter contempt. The good times in our have been blacked out by what she has done. 15 years wasted. Each week I try to do something for me, dog walk, treat for dinner and so on. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other and I hope something inside changes soon.
Good luck to you all.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
keefa, I'm not completely up to date on your sitch but that last few posts break my heart. I know the pain that you express. I hope you can avoid being bitter over the long term, but I understand 1 year is still a short time and the pain is still raw. I am merely 6 months into it since the bd. Check out the Ted talk about emotional first aid by Guy Winch. It can give you some words to the wise to chew on and ideas to begin some healing.
I hope you can look forward to the creation of some great memories more than looking back at the loss of others.
Be well my friend as I know first hand the pain you are expressing, but I desire to get past it and share this with you in hopes that you may as well.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The ONLY time I feel happy is when I am with my boys.
Keefa - I sympathize for your struggles. I know how hard this can all bad.
That said, the part I highlighted is a problem. It is not your children's responsibility to make you happy. That is your responsibility, and yours alone. No matter what relationship you are in in the future, if you cant be happy on your own, it is doomed to fail.
I urge you to WORK on this. Have you watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor on the Happiness Advantage? I urge you to.
This is your only shot at life. You deserve to be happy for it. Don't let that responsibility fall to W and your kids.
