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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Yes, I see what you're saying. I'm a nice guy - that's why it just seems cold. Decided kids need me more. Don't think I'll visit.


It also [censored]. We all agree on that much but what you gonna do?


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
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I would be upset if the other parent went in for surgery with the kids in her care, especially with a special needs child, without alerting the one they share custody with. It's inappropriate and puts the 20 year old in a very difficult situation.

I would let her know that you were alerted that she went in for surgery (and this is not minor) and has taken the children into your care. I would also be very clear once she has recovered that she cannot put the children in a situation like this again. What was SD supposed to do if something went wrong with the surgery? It's careless and irresponsible. That would be my major upset. Where do the younger ones think she is?

How she feels about herself and what she chooses to do with her body and life I would leave completely off the table. Just address the wellbeing of the children. It's not just a safety issue, it's about their and the 20 year old's wellbeing. It's not like she didn't have a choice to have you take care of them.

Do you have a right of first refusal in your custody agreement?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Huddy Offline OP
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Thanks NDY/Painter

Quite right, what would have happened if I'd been out of the country and something had gone wrong? It's just so irresponsible. Well, I have no separation agreement, so it looks like I am going to have to challenge her about that, but I will leave the 'looks' thing alone.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Problem for us here mate is we don't know where your S is on the spectrum. And even if we did we lack the medical knowledge to understand just how serious this situation is. You're clearly annoyed about this, and that's fair enough. We also don't know how capable your SD is at looking after your S. But I wonder, and go with me on this. If it were just the hernia, minus the tummy tuck would you still be so annoyed?

I'm trying to play devil's advocate here because I still sense that underlying issue with your STBXW's MLC. It's still playing on your mind IMO or you wouldn't have mentioned it. All I'm saying is that if it is bothering you then this is the right place and the right time to let it out. Discuss it here.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Huddy Offline OP
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Annoyed with the lying. If she was having a operation, why not just say that and she shouldn't care if I agree with her choice or not. I can't stop her having cosmetic surgery, we all understand that, I just don't get the irresponsible lying and lack of forethought for the children. Yeah, they're with SD (soon to be here), but I did have a GAL activity planned which I've had to scrap (not a problem), but I could have been out of the country on business today. Good job I didn't have to go in the end.

My SD has just texted to say W called her, told her she was sore and didn't want a visit. I'd decided not to go anyway.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Hi Huddy, I agree with others that it is inappropriate for her to go in for surgery and not advise you or leave the kids with you. I think the reason for the surgery is immaterial and I wouldn't even go there.

However, If you fee concerned about SD being left in charge, let her know that you will keep your kids with you until your W is fit to care for them.

Incidentally, H's XW1 had cosmetic surgery soonish after I met him. They had been S for a while but not D. I can recall her not really telling him about it and he only realised when he went to drop SS off. She was still way of 100% and he was concerned about leaving him. I guess many people don't want to share these things with their separated spouse and I can understand that.

When she is a little better, perhaps you could just let her know that you kept the kids because you weren't comfortable with the arrangement that SD look after them. You could also let her know that you would expect she calls on you first for their care if it is needed.

All JMHO of course Huddy & hope this helps my friend smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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There's also the issue about having kids lie to the other parent, or lying by withholding information. That's not cool and puts them in the middle.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Huddy Offline OP
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Thanks all. I thought I'd seen all the selfish behaviour, but this really takes the biscuit.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Sep 2014
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Hi Huddy. How you doing today ?

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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Thanks all. I thought I'd seen all the selfish behaviour, but this really takes the biscuit.


Be prepared for more, and for it to escalate.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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