WAW,still angry, am I indifferent or detached now?

[rich4j]

SH

Nice job..deep breath. I think our WAW are related...I will be officially divorced probably by Oct but have the custody stuff starting in August and will be in the same sitch

Anger...spewing...that is what she is doing. I think this is where DB'ing is really helpful in not getting into the fray, reacting, interacting, or doing anything to validate her wanting to engage with yuo. It is her way of trying again to control and knock you down.

Push on. Document the incident if needed for future custody stuff and move on.

[J5K]

SH,

Did you read "The Rationale Male"? I highly suggest you do. Brought me out of my fog of being and LBS. There are a lot of good things in there that will bring your confidence back as a male.

My STBX still spews and continues to get angry and wants to control my time with the boys. She still doesn't get that she doesn't have that right anymore. I say nothing or just say I understand and that completely sets her off even more. There is no winning with them unless you do exactly as they say. Get off the ride and just hang up next time. Just sending some tough love your way.

[Phoebe]

Hi, SH. I'm sorry that you are still having to deal with so much anger from your WAW. Temper tantrums in grown adults are hard to tolerate and leave nothing to admire. That you are feeling angry yourself right now is s sign that you are healing, not that you aren't handling yourself well. Anger is a very important part of reclaiming your own life and identity and creating emotional distance from those that have harmed us. Don't fight it, just try not to act on it too much. If you can harness it in some way, then so much the better.

And I completely agree, total honesty is the only way to go.

Thinking if you today, and very glad to see you here and doing s bit of journaling again. Let that anger out here. Everyone is right, reflecting anger back at WAW simply gives her more ammunition and gives you reason to doubt yourself, which is exactly what she wants. Let her burn herself out without any extra fuel from you.

(((((((((Savvy Hawk)))))))))

[SH_]

roist, thank you for the vote of confidence in how I handled the recent blow up. You are correct that I need to avoid the lies/white lies. They do not benefit in any way. After thinking on this and why it came out that way, I have deduced that not only I do it, but d17 does as well with her. It is because of the eggshells we walk on. I know for me it is a damned if I do damned if I don't scenario. I simply do not want to discuss nor debate with her. In our MR I would avoid talks for as long as possible because of her reactions. And now I have continued in spite of my best intentions to not do so. My response to her that evening was not one I was proud of, it simply came out and I regretted it before it even left my mouth. But , this will be of great focus for me as I do not need to explain myself nor avoid her reactions as they will come regardless and I am dealing with it. I say I am dealing with it, as I slept well that night and have had several good days since.

Sara, I agree with you, she no longer has a say in my decisions. And I am learning to make them with confidence and soon without repercussion from her.

JKsd, I am working on that sexy thing. I am feeling more confident at work and feedback from peers, my boss and the team I manage is adding to that. I am all over my jogging and exercising again and feeling better and looking as good as I have physically since before I got married. I have some fun things planned this week that will enhance my confidence so I am aiming down the right path for that I hope. That is the goal at the very least. I have seen your chatter about a pole......I may have to add that to the mix.

Rich hang in there my friend. I am actually looking forward to the final d now. I had expected it to be done by now, but not sure what the hold up is. Somewhere on her side, as my L has reached out several times with no follow up. For me it will finalize in my mind this portion of the roller coaster so I can move forward.

Jk I will check out the read you mention. My list of reads is getting longer but I think you mentioned it on audio. I get plenty of drive time during the week that I may try that out. The more I can learn about how to return to being the confident sexy knowledgable male that I can be will benefit right?

Phoebe, I am hatching a plan this weekend for more consistent journaling. I want to do it so I can look forward to goals, monitor my progress, get out my insecurities, look back on the lessons I learn and get some great support and advice from so many that are pushing forward on their own challenging path.

Honesty really is the best and it is what I stand for. I just have to get over what I now realize has been a bad habit of mine, which is tip toeing around her poor behavior. I had no idea I did it so habitually. But now I know, and I also know that her explosions are not affecting me because I see them for what they are. Irrational and they come from the place of a very immature emotional state. I can work on fixing me, but she is going to have to identify, and realize her own circus of monkeys, clowns, bearded women, acrobats, and 3 ring acts, and seek the help she desperately needs.

I just had a great day with my d's. We went mini golfing with a pirate theme and black lights so everything was a glow. We went swimming and played candyland. D5 seems to win every time. We watched the Incredibles which is one of my favorite Pixar movies.
Then WAW picked up d5 and we won't see her for 2 weeks. Bitter sweet. No d5, but no WAW. I should start useing STBX. That is more fitting now. I want to forget the memories of any WAW in my history.

Well, I will share more updates tomorrow and a plan with goals. Sleep tight and have a wonderful holiday weekend for those of you in the US.

"Your struggle is your strength. If you can resist becoming negative, bitter or hopeless, in time, your struggles will give you everything."
— Bryant McGill

[Phoebe]

SH, I am so glad to hear that you had such a lovely time with your Ds, though sorry that it will be two weeks until you see D5 again. That's a very long time. Candyland used to be a favorite of mine when I was little. I love hearing that you play it with your own little one.

I'm also glad to see you here, doing a bit of journaling. Maybe it's just me, but I think it helps me clarify my thinking. I could use a whole lot of that clarity lately.

I hope that you get a good night's sleep. I'll check in on you often.

[Vanilla]

SH

Firstly you did really well. OK.

You can record these rants if you want to. It may help.

Sad to say expect this.

It is the pattern for your W, this is what she does. As surely as a dog barks or a lion chases prey.

To expect reasonable is whistling for the moon.

The rules can change unexpectedly.

What you do on your days is none of her affair unless it's against an agreement.

What a brave D17 you have. Since you mention eggshells I assume you have read the book of the same name on BPD. I don't like to label people as you know , I prefer to call their behaviour.

This behaviour I hate you please don't leave me is of a certain style.

It's going to be ok.

V

[PsySara]

Happy 4th, SH! Hope you have a wonderful holiday and soak up the warmth and sunshine.

[Phoebe]

Hey there, Sparrow Homme!

(Sorry. I just like to goof around with names for you, as you have so many.)

I'm just stopping by this morning to say hello and to wish you a happy July 5th. I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your family.

[SH_]

Hi all.

Phoebe and Sara thank you for checking in on me and for the well wishes for the Independence holiday. I had a good time. D17 and I spent the day with my friend and his family. We went swimming and had a BBQ. We then all drove out and enjoyed the celebratory fireworks. We enjoyed the time in spite of missing d5.

V, thank you for the wise and kind words around the behavior that I continue to experience with STBXW. I know you speak the truth and I am seeing the pattern. I believe in part this is why it is not rattling me as it did in the early days. I feel bad for her as I know it is taking a bigger toll on her than me at this point. I just find the behavior to be convincing me that being apart is better for me at this point in my life. I see hope and feel positive energy as I look forward, where for many years it was fear and worry. I am not saying it is all her fault, but there were many dysfunctional challenges between the 2 of us that led us to this point. I know in my heart I was aware of the challenges and have been working to overcome them. I know there is still much to work out for my own personal issues, but I see things in a very different manner than I did several months ago.
Hopefully soon, the legal aspect of the d can be wrapped up and then legal boundaries will be set and I can go about my way with out as much debate around every little thing she finds un satisfying.
I will learn the way of being a single divorced father, and I will do it as well if not better than I did as a married father in what seems to have been a much more unhappy MR than I would have ever thought.

It has been 3 days since not seeing d5 and there is still a week and half to go. It is difficult as I miss her so. D17 is also feeling the absence of her sister. But we will be strong and stay busy and the time will pass promptly enough until we get to spend time with her again.

Some quick journaling to catch up.....
After the little explosion, I had several good days. Friday was the STBX's birthday and my D's spent the day with their mother. I expected d17 back in the evening, but not d5 as part of the co parenting agreement is that d5 will spend the day with either parent on their birthday. After the little explosion from STBX around time with our d5, I was surprised when I received a text from STBX that both girls were on their way back to my home. I did not ask, I just enjoyed the opportunity to have more time with d5.
D17 shared that she basically convinced her mother to let her sister come back with her so that she did not have to come over early in the morning and then again the same night to pick her up.

So now several days that d5 is with her mother out of state for a 2 week "vacation" at her parents home. D5 called this morning real early, but I could hear her mother directing her what to say to me and d17 stated she could hear the same when she spoke with her sister. It sounded like STBX was using d5 to probe us for information of what we have been doing. She is also sending odd texts to d17 from d5 in the same manner. Very bizarre, but again, her circus, monkeys, clowns, clown cars, bearded ladies and angry jungle felines.

So I have a busy week of GAL and vacation fun activities with friends and d17.
Tomorrow we are going paint balling. We've never done so, but found a groupon and a great indoor place so we can stay out of the heatwave.
Thursday d17 will be out with friends all day, and I am going out with a friend from work. Then in the evening we all are going to an escape room. Also a first for us. D17 had given me this as a Christmas present so I look forward to it.
Friday, d17 has work, I will get the grocery shopping and chores down and then we are looking to go to a movie. Saturday we are going indoor skydiving. This will cap our fun filled week and we are looking forward to it all.

I am also hammering out plans to keep things moving as well as for my future. This has been something that I have avoided as a future that I had been working on for so long had been shattered, I avoided looking forward as it just seemed to have pain and uncertainty in it. Now I feel hope and optimism and want to create a new dream that gets me out of bed and moving forward with excitement and joy. Lots of work to do, but that is what life is all about right?!


You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis

[Phoebe]

"Angry jungle felines"?!?! SH, you made my evening with those words. Wonderful.

It's late so I can't write much more, but I just wanted you to know that I am proud of you, and that I I loved reading you post. There are so many good things in what you say, and so much positive change and progress. You're a SuperHawk!

((((((SH))))) I hope you sleep well, my friend.